Amazing Race: What’s the Worst Thing That Could Happen?

Hey everyone – in order to play catch up I’m posting last Sunday’s first and then I’ll do a fun photo-essay of the Sunday before that. Thanks for being patient! Just think, now that you’ve had ample time to digest what’s happened, these recaps will be like a blast from the past! Seriously. Riiiiight?!

On last week’s episode, Dan and Andrew ended up in the poorhouse (and with an “almost elimination”) since they had to replace their lost shoes. And it didn’t help that they wasted time looking for the right lifts for Dan. Meanwhile Dallas and Starr are getting more hot and heavy than Marissa Jaret Winokur on Dancing with the Stars. But this ain’t no dancin’ show for chubbies – it’s travelin’ for dummies – it’s AMAZING RACE!

Here we are in Moscow, Russia and the race is getting heated! Dallas and Toni are the first to leave thanks to their glorious first place win last week! I only hope they keep it up!

Their first stop is a Russian sub and their contact is a guy that was in “Hunt for Red October”. WHAT?! First of all, that movie didn’t do so well to the Russians. What’s next? “Meet Ralph Fiennes from Schindler’s List in Berlin!” And secondly, this show has won how many Emmy’s?!? You think they could do a better cameo than this guy:

“Hello Mr. Connery? Yeah it’s me… your little “Babushka”. Just wondering about that sequel you promised…”

Toni tells us she totally wants Dallas to be happy in life. I was so hoping she’d add, “Just not with that whore Moon or Sun or whatever the hell her name is.”

Ken and Tina are close behind and Tina is already bitching that Ken doesn’t put their relationship in the front of his mind enough. Yeah – I’m guessing that helps him sleep better – less screaming and night-sweats that way.

Once in a cab, Tina tries to explain that they need to find a submarine – she even draws a picture of one:

Cabbie: “Why is there turd floating in water? Ahhh.. she need make poop. We go to the toilets now!”

Next off – the once great Nick and Starr. Starr says it’s time to get serious and take the lead again.

Unfortunately this means walking straight into oncoming traffic. Seriously – it missed her by an inch. I like how Nick let her go in front of him for the first time ever though. Sweet guy.

Last team to leave – the fat frats! Let’s seem them fiddle-fuck their way to last place again! Everyone arrives to the sub at the same time to look for “Red October” guy.

And of course Nick just happens to find the hottie sub-guy first before commenting, “He’s too young to be in “Red October”. Mmm hmm… But not to young to —

And now for today’s “What the FUCK happened to my career?!!?” moment:

And who the fuck could he possibly be on the phone to still?! Clearly not his agent.

Teams all get their clue from the guy (in perhaps the easiest clue-finding challenge yet) and head off to their next point: Park Iskusstv – the graveyard of fallen monuments. Oohhh… I hope they have the Statue of Liberty from “Planet of the Apes” there.

Everyone hops in a cab and Ken and Tina are lucky enough to get a guy with GPS. Amazingly he finds it quickly with the GPS. Mine would have found the 16 closest Starbucks before bringing up that park. It hates me.

Back at the sub – I completely forgot about the Fat Frats! I bet they’re like 3 days behind. They’re so far behind It’s probably live footage when we’re watching them. Luckily “Red October” guy is still there and still on the phone. I hope he has rollover minutes.

Tina starts bitching that their cabbie is smoking and asks Ken to tell him to stop. Why is it some teams insist on pissing off the one person who has their fate in his hands? Thankfully Ken tells her to zip it.

Nick and Starr are the first to the park and find the clue – a ROADBLOCK. In this roadblock, teams must count the number of Lenin and Stalin statues in the park, combine the number, tell it to a nearby bookstore owner, get a book and look on that page number for a clue for their next destination. SWEET. I like this roadblock – infinite fuck-up possibilities!

Nick takes the challenge and starts while Dallas and Toni arrive. Dallas takes the challenge. BAD MOVE. This is the guy (although sweet…and hot) who knows diddly-shit about anything and he now has to do one of the most mentally challenging Roadblocks?! I have this odd feeling he’ll just start bench pressing all of the statues.

Luckily he’ll have plenty of time to fuck up – the Fat Frats arrive at the park – but it’s THE WRONG PARK. HAHAHAHA. I swear. These two are headed to “worst players” hall of fame.

At least they’re clearly enjoying themselves.

Nick’s doing a good job identifying the statues while Dallas is still trying to figure out who Stalin and Lenin are. I’m guessing he thinks they’re the two grumpy men who sit in the balcony of the Muppet Show.

Ken and Tina arrive and while Tina whines that she needs the right rain jacket, Nick sneaks by and steals their cab for the next clue stop.

He’s really broken up about screwing them though.

Tina then decides MBM (Major Bitch Mode) is the best way to deal with Ken as he tries to say good bye to her. Seriously Tina? Isn’t it exhausting to be that bitchy all the time!? And I love how when Ken meets up with the other 2 waiting (Starr & Toni), they say “We figured it’d be you!” Aww – even they know he’s been castrated from doing anything useful.

I love “straight-talkin” Toni: “I paid alot of money for Dallas’ education but I’m not sure he’ll know who Stalin and Lenin are.” It’s funny because it’s true.

Nick has made his way to the bookstore, gets the number right (6+2=62), finds the right page, and is off to the next clue stop. Looks like Nick and Starr are back on track to take the lead.

Dallas comes up with an extra Lenin and heads to the bookstore to turn it in. Best part – he reverses the numbers as well – “3+6″. He’s pretty much screwing them out of first place. Damn it Dallas! Bang those 2 brain cells of yours together and make it work! He goes back in, “46″. DOH.

Nick is now off to “Sokol’niky Park”. Once there, they’ll need to find:

A camouflage-wearing Russian lesbian with a Shetland pony. Talk about a needle in a haystack!

We’re almost halfway through the episode and the Fat Frats have finally arrived at the first roadblock. Stellar job guys! Although, Tina has now arrived at the bookstore with the wrong number (52) so maybe the Fat Frats have a chance!

Nick and Starr almost lose their way when Starr thinks a Shetland pony might refer to a pony tail. Wow – her and Dallas are a match made in Special Ed Heaven. Nick, of course, knows exactly what a pony is. He asked for one every Christmas…

And was only mildly amused when he got this instead.

Once they find the pony, they’re given the next clue – a DETOUR! In this detour, they must choose a form of transportation in Moscow – Ride the Rails (Metro) or Ride the Lines (Buses). At first I thought, “How easy!” and then Phil filled us in on all the friggin’ things they have to do for each one. There’s a lot. Most importantly the “Ride the Rails” one includes picking up a pastry (YEAH!) but then giving it to a Babushka (boo!). I’d totally buy 2 so I could eat one. Although if Babushka was senile enough I’d convince her to let me eat hers too. I’m just saying… sugar’s bad for the elderly.

Nick and Starr head for the rails while Andrew’s just beginning to look for the statues. If the Fat Frats pull this one out – there is seriously a Greek Frat God looking out for them. Back at the bookstore – Tina and Dallas work together to finally get to the right number. Tina gets it first (62) and lets Dallas know. She adds (as she always does!), “You OWE ME!” One day, years from now, Dallas and Starr will have their first child – and then Tina will come crashing in, yank the baby away and scream, “YOU OWE ME!” She will then eat the baby.

Although the Fat Frats receive help from their cabbie (who must have felt a bit guilty about the whole “wrong park 40 miles out of the way” thing), they still miss one of the statues. Dallas finally gets the number right and hugs the shop lady in celebration. She totally got lady wood.

And I love how she checks Dallas’ package out after she pulls away. “Strong like bull, no?!”

Nick and Starr are at the metro and seem to know what they’re doing with the map, however it looks like quite the maze. Back at the last clue stop – Tina arrives, meets up with Ken and tells Toni, “I helped your son!” Toni’s face completely says, “Shit. There goes my first born.”

And it turns out Ken isn’t so happy with that. Looks like Tina’s lookin’ to turn ye olde cheater table on him! Now she just needs to have a sex change and heavily sedate Dallas.

After Andrew stops heaving and gasping for air (he ran from the sidewalk into the store) the book store lady gives him the bad news – wrong number! Andrew is shocked and the cabbie…

“Sooo… no tip then?”

NOOOOO!!! And now – the end of what I’m sure is Dallas and Toni’s time on this show! After Dallas arrives at the clue stop to meet Mom – he LEAVES HIS BAG WITH PASSPORT, MONEY AND CLUE IN THE CAB. WHAT??! Fuuuuuuck. The best part – he starts to open the next clue as he tells his mother “We have no money, no clue and I have no passport.” And yet he keeps going like “Oh well – let’s just keep going. I’m sure we can get another passport at the next post office or something.”

Toni and Dallas quickly realize just exactly how FUCKED they are. I have to give Toni credit. There’s a good chance I would’ve gutted my partner had they done this. Dan adds that even if he had money, he wouldn’t give it to them. What a dick. This episode would’ve been the best ever if HE had lost all of his shit.

Back on the metro, Nick is wisely following the map:

But dear God I hope this isn’t his finger they keep showing. It’s like an 80 year old midget’s finger who’s suffering from eczema.

Ken and Tina are now headed to the pony park while Tina complains that Ken isn’t giving her enough positive support. Are you kidding me??! I seriously can’t stand this woman. RUN KEN! Grab Sarah away from Terence at the finale and RUUUUNNNN!!!

Dallas and Toni start begging from Russian teenagers and it works! The kids give them cash and sweet Toni gives them a hug. Woulda been great if they said, “No hug – sex now ok.” Dan tells Andrew what happened to Toni and Dallas and his reaction is pretty similar to a kid on Christmas morning. Dallas and Toni head off to the subway in order to save money. Like I said, fuuuucked.

Nick and Starr get their samsa treat and the wrapper with the clue on it. They must ride the metro to another famous statue.

Mmm… delicious clue. Must… not… eat.

Dallas and Toni arrive at the pony stop but find that they can’t get the clue because their last clue says they have to take a taxi. OHHHH SNAP. That SUCKS. Although they seriously should’ve concentrated on getting the bag back first. Did they think the final destinations were all going to be inside the Russian border?

The good news – the Fat Frats arrive as well but must perform a Speed Bump. And their task?! RUSSIAN DANCING!!! OMG – the producers TOTALLY crafted this task just for Dan after watching him try to march!

And apparently Dan thinks dancing requires little more than an MC Hammer impression and knee slaps. No really. First attempt – FAIL.

Dallas and Toni continue to beg for money which is the sweetest, most heartbreaking thing. Toni offers kisses but Dallas never offers a thing. Can you imagine if they came across a Russian sorority? Cash money! However, if I had been with him I would’ve said, “YOU lost the bag – we’re going to the nearest gay bar, you’ll be dancing on it and that should give us plenty of rubles. Now take off your shirt and let’s go.”

Ken and Tina seem to be making their way on the trolley… until they find out THEY’RE NOT ON A TROLLEY. DETAILS PEOPLE! It’s like none of you have ever seen “Meet Me in St. Louis”.

Back at the Babushka – Nick and Starr drop the cold and dirty samsa off.

“Hello darling… oh is this strawberry-filled? I ASKED FOR A FUCKING APPLE-FILLED SAMSA YOU CHERUB-FACED FUCK-STICK!!! COMRADES! ATTACK!!!”

Team Cheater/Soul-Sucking-Fun-Buster are back in a cab and off to start over again. Meanwhile Dan and Andrew finally awkwardly kick dance their way through the speed bump and choose the “trolley” detour.

Dallas and Toni go back to the last clue box to get a taxi. How wonderful would that have been if the cab that rolled up had Dallas’ bag?! Ahhh – if only life imitated Lifetime movies.

Ken and Tina finally get a trolley bus but as they cross the street Tina almost gets creamed by traffic. You can tell Ken can almost taste the freedom at that moment – but she makes it out alive. Andrew and Dan also make their way to the trolley as Andrew comments, “We got past the speed bump – not bad for a white Jewish kid.” WHAT? Why do they keep saying that like it’s an odd thing! Ladies and gentlemen… PROOF THAT THERE ARE WHITE JEWISH DANCERS:

Barbara Streisand

Harvey Fierstein

Ok – not white but definitely Jewish.

So there Andrew. Get your stereotyping right.

Nick and Starr – clearly WAY in the lead, use their final clue from the Babushka to head towards Vdnkh Park. Also known has “Hardest Name of Park to Guess on Wheel of Fortune Ever”. Nick and Starr arrive at the mat – and are number one of course.

This is the guy that greets them. It’s nice to know there’s also a Russian “Dunkin’ Donuts” guy. (Shout out to my east coasters!)

It would’ve been great if they won a box of Russian Dunkin’ Donuts, called “Dknpts”, but instead they win yet another amazing trip.

Sidenote:

There are several things that are very wrong with this ad.

Ken and Tina are next up and find the key maker that they get the key from for the locker which holds their next clue. While at the key maker…

I think it would’ve been the perfect time for Ken to joke, “While I’m here, could you make me a duplicate of my girlfriend’s apartment key?”

The Fat Frats are close behind – grab the key – and jump back on the trolley bus. Ken and Tina arrive at the station where the locker is and Ken says, “Lockers are right over here.” to which Tina replies, “Calm down!” WHAT THE FUCK TINA?! He’s not 8! And it’s not like he was pissing himself and slamming his head into a locker! Oh my God. I’d serious lose it if I was Ken. LOSE IT.

They soon find the locker and the clue inside. The Fat Frats find it as well and all head to the trolley. Although I think they’re making it look like these 2 teams are much closer than they are.

Dallas and Toni finally make it to the pony clue stop (via taxi) and are excited to take EVEN MORE public transit for the detour! These poor bastards. Maybe they’ll run into the cabbie who now has a new bag, lots of cash, and goes by the name of Dallas.

Ken and Tina get lost. How you might ask? Beats the shit out of me since the post card clue has a picture of the next clue stop on it. And they’re standing about 20 yards away from that point. And yet they won’t go near it. So I guess just substitute “lost” for “COMPLETELY BRAINLESS” on this one.

The Fat Frats find the clue box and run for the pit stop while Ken and Tina see them and blindly follow – without getting that last clue. Best part of this episode?! Watching the joy on Tina’s face as they celebrate with the Fat Frats on the mat KNOWING that Phil’s gonna send her ass back to get the other clue!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOINKS!

There’s literally a 3 second gap between these 2 photos. Guess what Phil says in those three seconds! LOVE IT!

Ken and Tina then frantically look for the clue box – and although the producers use suspenseful music and cut back and forth between them and Dallas and Toni – there’s NO friggin’ way Dallas and Toni are going to catch up.

After finally finding the clue box, Ken and Tina check in as team #3 – the last team to be in the finals. They then rehash that their relationship has problems for the 83rd time this season.

Then we cut to our sad lil’ mom and son team, wandering the streets of Moscow, as Phil randomly comes out of a building to say “Uhhh – everyone else is already checked in soooo… we don’t really want to wait around for you two to unfuck your way out of this disaster. Just want to let you know – you’re out – and good luck getting home. Byeeee!”

AWWW!!! I feel so bad for them! And of course Phil has to say, “Dallas – how do you feel?” Dick. Fortunately Toni says how much she loves Dallas and that it’s been the best experience of her life. No matter how much her son’s stupidity fucked her out of early retirement and a condo in Florida.

So that’s it – can you believe the Fat Frats made it to the final three?!?! That Ken and Tina haven’t divorced yet?! And that Nick and Starr will most likely win this thing 3 days in advance of everyone else?! DISH IT!