Amazing Race: WWJD? Push Her!!

Welcome back everyone! Last week we learned that Team Master Race is earning its namesake and Team Masshole… well, they also earned their namesake. Apparently it doesn’t pay to destroy, tear apart and kick shit all around the world. Even if it seems to turn Phil on. WHY?! Because this is… AMAZING RACE!

We begin where we left in Dubai – the Disneyland of the Middle East. Team Master Race chooses a mystery brief case and starts out for the Dubai Golf and Yacht Club to search for the next clue. Meghan carries the case and says she feels like a “businessman”. Oh – so you have to be a business “MAN”?! SEXIST! You are SO on Team Master Race!

Team Master Race rides in a cab and comments that the weather is so hot that this must be when “THEY get their tans in the winter time”.

They don’t seem to happy with that remark. I believe they’re about to hear the Arabian cabbie equivalent of “Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?! Dis broad just called me TAN! EH OH!”

Team Master Race arrives at the roadblock (there still has been no footage of the other teams – crap – how far ahead ARE these two!?) and find that they must row a boat out to a yacht to receive a watch from a sheik. Following an Arab custom of “Hospitality”.

Hospitality?! Whatever happened to a baked good or a casserole?! You say “hospitality”, I say “Bribery”. I think Amazing Race just got us involved in another trade agreement.

Back at the docks, teams must figure out that the time of the watch is the code to open the suit case. I love how they’re making the Arabian portion of the race all “James Bond” themed.

Because “James Bond” has always been fantastic with portraying the Middle East.

The next team finally leaves – it’s Team Oreo! I think they’re probably the only team left to give Team Master Race a run for their money. Next off, Team Trotters. Meanwhile…

Cheynne rows and sings, “Row, row, row your boat, gently through Dubai…”

And soon meets his chorus…

“Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily… the infidel MUST DIE!”

Team Farm boys takes off and Matt admits he brought hair dye to re-dye his hair. Seriously?! Yeah – because with your pastey white ass and camera crews following you, you really run the risk of blending into the mainstream here. And since they’re only allowed a carry-on on flights – he can’t have more than 3oz. So how much longer will this last until he has to buy the local shit?

Team Master Race cracks the case open quickly and the clue tells them to head to the water taxi station. Meanwhile, Team Oreo arrives at the rowing challenge and Brian flails around in the raft. These things are inflatable btw. If someone pops it and sinks I’ll die laughing. Why can’t Lance still be in the race?!?

Team BroMos heads off next and says they’re happy to stick with Team Pokerface because they’ll be easy to crush in the end. Awww…. Besties Forev’s!

Team Trotters gets dropped off to the WRONG yacht club by their taxi driver. HOW MANY yacht clubs are there in Dubai?!

Brian hurries back and while they crack open the briefcase he complains that his hands are bleeding from the rowing. I SO wanted Ms. America to say, “OH… are da babies fingers bleeding?! TRY GETTING A BIKINI WAX AND THEN PARADE AROUND IN A TIGHT SWIMSUIT AND HEELS ALL DAY! BOO YA!”

Team Trotters has decided that if they get thirsty they’ll just drink their sweat. SICK. Everyone knows you’re supposed to drink your urine. Right? Hello? I’ve said too much.

Team Farm Boys arrives at Matt sticks his 105 year old dad in the row boat. Good call. Speaking of calls.. I’d get ready to call whatever 911 is in Dubai. I’m guessing they have the world’s biggest ambulance.

Team Master Race then reaches the detour, GOLD or GLASS! In “Gold”, teams must weigh the exact amount of gold to reach $500K.

What an awesome challenge to watch during a recession! SCREW YOU PEOPLE!!! What’s next?! Showing an eating challenge to a bunch of chubbers at a fat camp?!

In the other detour, Glass, teams must go to a spice market and assemble 12 hookahs correctly. I have an odd feeling Matt is going to BLOW right through this challenge!

While Team Master Race enjoys the views of beautiful Dubai…

Yikes. There are SO many things wrong with that sentence. Talk about bitching to the wrong guy.

Team Bible Beaters, now in last place, head off and Mika starts by saying she’s not good at anything. You gotta love her for being honest. (GET TO THE PART WHERE CANAAN THROWS HER DOWN THE SLIDE ALREADY!!!)

Team Trotters attempts to row their boat but Big Flight isn’t having an Easy Time. Apparently they can’t row because the “Mississippi’s too thick”. Something’s too thick, alright.

Up ahead, Team Master Race reaches their box of hookahs…

Meghan: “Wow! You could totally fit like 8 to 10 Jews and/or minorities in here… I’m just saying.”

Meghan immediately starts feaking out that she can’t figure out how to put the hookas together. Apparently her sorority never had any fun with the fraternities.

Team Oreo reaches the water taxi (via Ms. America’s window shopping) while Easy Flight uses his giant man hands to paddle his boat. Team BroMos arrive and Dan decides to take the plunge… and use his hands as well. SERIOUSLY?!

Big Flight yells, “Do it for the hood!” to Easy Time while Sam yells to Dan, “Do it for the suburbs!” That was awesome. It’s true, the suburbs just never win enough.

There’s more “in the hood” jokes that follow but I grow tired of them now. Keep the material fresh fellas!

Team Pokerface is completely entertained that they’re carrying a briefcase and it looks like they’re “going to work!” Imagine that! A REAL JOB!!! CRAZY HUH?!! Bitches.

Back at the docks, Team BroMos crack their briefcase open quickly while the Trotters can’t figure out how. The terms “big hand” and “little hand” start to get thrown around – it’s at this point you know they’re in trouble.

Team Bible Beaters arrive and Mika makes Canaan row because she’s “pretty scared of water.” ADD IT TO THE FUCKING LIST HONEY!

“I’m also scared of heights, snakes, midgets, the color magenta, people who don’t wear “WWJD” bracelets, people who say they pray but just close their eyes and pretend while they think about how hungry they are (bBitz) and designer pillows. Oh and Skittles. EEK!”

Team Pokerface then crack THEIR briefcase open while Team Trotters STILL can’t figure out their code!!! OMG! COME ON! When someone asks you the time do you really say, “It’s 8 and 7?!?!” Or do you just say, “I don’t know but my watch is making a crooked sad face.”

Over at ye ol’ gold store, Team Oreo is having problems…

You should totally use that answer for everything at the next pageant!

Back at the docks, Team Bible Beaters opens THEIR case now! WTF BIG FLIGHT?!?! You know who has the most patience in this whole race?! THE FRIGGIN CAMERAMAN! I would’ve thrown the camera down and shaken the crap out of him, screaming, “IT’S 8:35 YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!”

At least he’s staying calm. Lance would’ve ripped that thing open with his ape paws by now. AND FINALLY, he gets it and they’re off. Yikes. Not their best moment.

Team Oreo is still working hard to figure out the weight of $500K. I so wanted her to slam her ass on the scale and be like “BAM! This right here’s worth half a mil! Done and done!” Ahhh – a man can dream.

Back at the docks, Team Farm Boys decides which detour to take and Matt explains to his Dad what a hookah is – in the most “I’ve never heard of such a thing!” of a way as possible! Only to have Dad say, “Oh! We used to call it something else.” AWESOME!

This week’s winner for most randomly placed subtitle.

Over at the Gold challege, Ms. America jokes that, although Brian has “a heart of gold – too bad he doesn’t know how to count it!” ZING!!!! NICE ONE!

Moments later her head was floating in the tank behind them.

They finally give up and head over to the Hookah challenge! Should be fun – Team Master Race is about to lose it. Someone’s going to pulling a hookah out of their colon in about 5 minutes.

But wait! They finally get it assembled (thanks to Meghan – shocker!) and are off to their next task: Find the Atlantis Hotel and go down the “Leap of Faith” slide! Which is a 6 story plunge through a shark tank! OK – first of all – I’ve been down worse (“Summit Plummet”! Hollah!) AND it’s not like they’re going INTO a shark tank – which would be SO much more interesting to watch!

While Team Oreo tries their hand at putting hookahs together (not going so well), Team Pokerface and their lovahs, Team BroMos, head off to the gold challenge.

Team BroMos arrives at the gold challenge with… A CALCULATOR!!! Now THAT is something to bring instead of, oh I don’t know, HAIR DYE. Now they just need to figure out the right calculations. Which is really easy but I can understand the pressure making it hard. Sometimes I panic at the grocery store when I try to get fancy with change at the check out. Then I confuse the lady at the register and we both start panic shitting while everyone behind us glares. It’s not pretty. The debit card usually gets taken out.

Team Pokerface arrives on the scene to find Team BroMos crying over their calculator. “Why won’t it give us the answer?!?” So Maria snatches it from them and DOES HER THING!

This was like one of those scenes in a movie where it’s all slo-mo and someone throws the sword to the master swordsman so he can slay the dragon. Except in this case, someone throws the calculator to the Asian to calculate their enemy to death! Let’s watch as the calculator dies and someone throws an abacus at her.

However, things then break into chaos as the number on the screen keeps changing. Gold’s flying, fingers are flying over the calculator – it’s a regular suspense movie for jewelers!

Team Bible Beaters arrives at the hookahs and Canaan tells us he’s ready to beat Team Oreo because “he just hates to win.” REALLY? That’s like the stupidest phrase ever. Who the fuck ever says, “I’m really cool with giving up and losing.” I mean, except for O-Town. But aside from them – who says that?!

Back at the gold exchange, the boys and girls all play nice and… SUCCEED! Wow! Didn’t not see that coming. I thought for sure it would end with the girls grabbing fistfuls of gold and making a run for it.

Up ahead (by about 3 weeks at this point) Team Master Race get to the slide and both take the plunge! Although Meghan seems to be shitting bricks about the sharks.

If only.

They get their final clue which is to search for “Dolphin Bay Beach” where the pit stop is! Ugh – they’re gonna win AGAIN!!!

“I have a haht on. What? Why’s everyone laugh when I say I have a “haht-on”?! I HAVE A GIANT HAHT-ON!”

“Team Master Race… you’re team number one! But Cheynne… sadly it turns out your body is only like a 7. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!”

They both win a watercraft. I would’ve hoped they’d win a Bow-Flex home gym. But that’s just me.

Team Oreo still can’t figure out the hookahs when Team Trotters arrive. They are then greeted by the lovely, Ms. America!

OH. HELL. NO.

Team Oreo is about to split wide open when they finally catch a break and connect the right hoses with the right hookahs. They’re done!

Back at the “Leap of Faith”…

I haven’t seen a zebra get mangled like that since I went on safari!

Team Pokerface splashes through before the boys arrive and take the plummet.

I’d give ‘em an 8 and an 8.5. Just saying.

Team Pokerface checks in as team number 2 with the BroMos right behind them. Maria and Tiffany then gush about how “fine” the boys looked. Are they still that clueless?! And then…

I pray whatever happens in Dubai… stays in Dubai. Good thing Dubai has all that gold. They’ll need to spend it all to disinfect this entire bay.

Team Trotters gets to the gold challenge and take the words RIGHT out of my mouth – THEY CAN’T TELL TIME BUT THEY’RE DOING THIS?! They love a challenge. Good for them! Next up, winning the Kentucky derby.

Team Oreo gets to the slide and although timid, they jump right in. Ms. America is cracking up afterwards. She’s really growing on me.

While the Farm Boys finish up, Team Trotters is still calculating gold. It looks like it’s gonna be between them and Team Bible Beaters. But wait – Team Bible Beaters is off… to what (thanks to previews) we know is the big moment – the slide!!! THROW HER DOWN!

In the taxi, on the way to the slide, the producers treat us to clips of Mika saying how much she hates water and heights. Ugh. It’s a slide. It’d be much more entertaining if it was a bungee jump over a pool of sharks.

A 2 and a 4. Matt looks like Pink, Slash and Mama Cass had a threeway.

Team Farm Boys checks in and we finally arrive to Team Bible Beaters at the top of the slide! LOVE IT!

EPIC WATER WING MESS OF A FAIL!!! Come on Mika! WWJD?!!? WALK ON WATER!

Team Trotters finally finishes the gold challenge and is on their way to catching up with Team Bible Beaters. Oh I hope they do!!!

Canaan is now resorting to trying to throw Mika down the slide!!!

I’m sure they’ll look back on this and laugh. Or divorce and sue. Either one. I just wish gays could learn from their loving example.

Mika then shares her deepest thoughts on the subject…

“It’s stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!” I believe Forrest Gump had some wise words for you.

He does. And HE’S laughing his ass off and thanking Himself that he Tivo’d “Amazing Race”.

Mika continues crying that she “hates her life” and asks Canaan “Why do you hate me?!” HAHAHAHA!!! IT’S A SLIDE!!! I’d love for an 8 year old to come up and shoot down it in front of her.

BUT INSTEAD, Team Trotters arrives with inspiration to share…

HAHAHA I’d totally say the same thing! Her little head’s gonna spin and split open!

Sure enough Canaan gives the slide over and Team Trotters plunge away while Canaan calls them “a piece of crap”!!! OH SNAP! Someone is gonna be in the confessional for quite some time this week!

At least he’ll have plenty of time at elimination station to pick that wedgie out. FEET CROSSED CANAAN!

Canaan waits at the bottom STEAMING while Mika decides to give up and walk down!!! OMG!!! SHE JUST THREW THE “AMAZING RACE” OVER A WATER SLIDE!!!!!!! I COULD DIE!!!!!!

They then check in last and are ELIMINATED!!!! WHAT?!?! Crazy!

Canaan then tells us that he forgives her because there’s “freedom in forgiveness”. Is there the same amount of freedom in trying to hurl her ass down the slide?! I’d imagine so. FUH-AIL!

That’s it!!! Was this the most insanely ridiculously elimination or what?! I’ve never seen it done over something so simple! What’s everyone’s thoughts on this and the whole race so far??! DISH IT!!!