Horsing Around

It’s only been two episodes, but I’m pretty sure we have an awesome season of The Amazing Race on our hands. I know, I know — let’s not get too excited. Let’s everyone stay calm and collected. But dammit if last night’s show wasn’t great for the second week in a row. Granted, there wasn’t any intense foot race to the mat, but the amount of haywire twists and turns was super high, and let’s not overlook the sheer joy of watching one whiny bitch getting clotheslined by a branch and another girl being dragged around by a tiny horse on a rampage. This is what the race is about!This week’s episode began at the Great Wall of China, one of two man-made objects visible from space and inspiration to countless Chinese take-out restaurants across America. Anyway, first out of the gate this week were our favorite junkie models, Tyler and James, who learned they’d have to travel by bus and train to exotic Outer Mongolia. Once there, they’d have to go to a temple, observe a ceremony, and receive a clue. Sounds junkie-tastic!

“Don’t mind us an our oddly bulging biceps.”

The two guys zipped off to the bus station, telling us about the joys of sobriety all the way, and following them were Lauren and Duke, the latter of which commented, “I can accept gays and lesbians, but when it’s your daughter, you think of it a little differently.” He then sobbed for fifteen minutes and threw himself over the Great Wall.

Speaking of gay, Tom and Terry were quite excited about learning their next destination. “AMAZING!” they said, an imaginary disco ball lighting up over their heads. As for my favorite team, David and Mary, they came raring out of the Pit Stop, dressed in all green. They kind of looked like the bizarre love child of Gumby and some hillbillies. It made me love them even more. Mary then explained all the eye-opening aspects of the race. “I never known an Asian person in my life!” she said. And even crazier, she then revealed, “We never been around gay people… but I like ‘em!” And with that, the imaginary disco ball lit up over Mary too, and she and Tom and Terry boogied on down to “It’s Raining Men!” Hallelujah!

Anyway, at the bus station, there were two buses for teams to take: one leaving at 12 AM and one leaving at 2 AM. The junkie models, Duke & Lauren, Sarah & Peter, the Miss Americas, and Kimberob all made it onto the first bus while everyone else was stuck with departure time #2. But don’t think that the second group was upset about their later bus. No, they took the setback in stride as they danced up a storm at the depot. Sadly, they were not all taken to a Chinese re-programming camp and never heard from again.

Well, the buses eventually headed off into the night, and when they reached their transfer point, everyone wound up on the same train. So much for those staggered departure times. The Miss Americas tried to shake things up by finding a faster train, but the junkie models sniffed them out so fast, you’d think the girls had five kilos of cocaine in their hair.

Ultimately, the beauty queen scheming resulted in nothing but raised suspicions. Everyone was stuck on that train whether they liked it or not. While they waited for their locomotive to arrive, Sarah attracted a crowd of onlookers who were quite fascinated by her artificial leg. In an effort to appease both their curiosity about prosthetics and their joy for dancing, Sarah broke into a one-legged jig that elicited applause from the locals. Afterwards, however, Peter tried to shake them all down for cash, insisting that they get no more of the well-received Sarah Show if they didn’t pay up. Needless to say, Peter wound up empty-handed. Methinks these locals have seen their share of one-legged wonders. But alas, Sarah could not fathom why no one would pay money to see her shake her bon (I know it’s bon-bon, but I employ a stern “bon-to-leg” ratio). “They pay money at the zoo though!” Sarah complained, happily equating herself to a caged baboon.

Anyhoo, the gang boarded the train and traveled through the Gobi Desert, the perfect locale for Tyler to wax philosophical about his spiritual journey from junkie to dreamy. This of course meant we got to hear about his lowest point, which happened to be when he was arrested (for a third time). The charge? Five counts of being BEAUTIFUL! He’s a model!

Well, the train eventually arrived in outer mongolia, which meant everyone had to hop in a cab and race towards the temple. Kimberly braved an intense health crisis as a few drops of water managed to splash through the window, landing on her face. She immediately became concerned that she might catch a disease from the dreaded Mongolian Rain, but luckily, she rallied to courage to press onwards, thus foregoing the need for a Hazmat intervention.

Aside from Kimberly, everyone seemed to absolutely love their cabbies, with each team seemingly boasting about how THEY had the best driver of all. The duos soon arrived at the temple where a ceremony was occurring every ten minutes or so. After observing the rituals, teams then had to take an old, Russian military jeep to a town called Terelj — or as I like to call it, the cultural hub of the Asian continent. Anyway, once there, teams then had to don furry helmets, choose a pair of horses, and then travel 2.5 miles, following a Mongolian nomad all along the way.

Of course, now that the teams had to drive themselves for the first time in Asia, we knew we’d be in store for some good times. Sure enough, everyone was baffled by the road signs, and soon the bickering that we love so much reared its ugly (yet beautiful) head. Queen Bicker Bee Kimberly kicked things off by scoffing at Rob’s driving skills. “I love how you’re grinding,” she said sarcastically.

“Babe, it’s not me. It’s the car,” Rob replied. This of course had me wondering whether Kimberly thought that Rob was actually grinding — as if there were some gears inside him that needed to be lubed up. Oh Kimberly. We’re gonna have a fun season together.

Unsurprisingly, the cheerleaders — who had once claimed that they could carry a conversation with a doorknob — were completely lost right out of the gate. “This is way confusing!” said one of them, but to be fair, that’s also what she says when she opens a jar of pickles.

Meanwhile, the junkie models managed to fall way behind when their cabbie took them to the wrong temple. Man, that’s frustrating. It’s enough to make you want to hit the bottle! And then sashay down the runway. Junkie Models! (I don’t know why I feel the need to say that, but I do. Sometimes, I say it at random times too — like when I open the fridge. Try it. It’s surprisingly fun! Junkie models!)

Elsewhere in Mongolia, David and Mary made the wise move of picking up a local and using him as their guide (smart move) while Rob decided that he suddenly knew exactly where to go and pulled off on a dirt road that he insisted was a shortcut, despite not being familiar with the Mongolian interstate system whatsoever (dumb move).

As for the models, they had finally arrived at the proper temple and observed the ceremony. “That dance was really far out!” gushed Tyler, adding, “I haven’t seen anything like that since that time I put three tabs of LSD in my club sandwich and thought I saw Liza Minelli speed-skating in my bathroom.”

Somehow, team Lyn/Lyn (the single moms) managed to find a white dude who knew exactly where to go, but for whatever reason, they dropped him off at the side of the road and pushed onwards without him. And guess what? No sooner had they traveled five feet from him than Karlyn and Lyn were completely lost. That’s okay, everyone was completely lost too. Terry and Tom tried to ask for directions by pantomiming riding a horse, but they merely looked like they were acting out their typical Saturday night (rimshot!). As for Kimberob, here’s a shocker: turns out that Rob’s little shortcut had led them in the wrong direction. Who would have thought randomly driving down a dirt road in Mongolia would lead to nowhere? Rob immediately apologized to his girlfriend/demon passenger, and surprisingly, she didn’t bark back at him with tears and frustration. Perhaps she was distracted with fear that another Mongolian raindrop might land on her bodice.

Meanwhile, after their setback, the junkie models were optimistic that they could get back into the fray. They couldn’t help but appreciate their surroundings, with one of them noting, “I feel like I’m on a different planet right now.” He then added, “Wait… wait… okay… yeah, I’m just high on heroin again. Never mind.”

Unfortunately for Tyler and James, their tires lacked a certain Blue Steel fortitude. They wound up with a flat, and even worse, their car jack was all screwed up (either that, or the guys were just too dumb to know how to operate it correctly. Probably that. Junkie models!). Soon, team after team passed the models, but none of them stopped to help out. “Peace out!” said Lyn/Lyn as they zipped by. If it was any consolation to the models, they weren’t the only ones facing car troubles. The cheerleaders suddenly stalled out on the road, and they too struggled to get their car back into fighting form. As we went to commercial, we wondered if either of these photogenic teams would be able to overcome their vehicular setbacks in Mongolia. Dunh dunh DUNH!

Well, great news for cheerleaders and models! They were saved! Some random local helped the models (he was clearly won over by their general dreaminess, mixed with the faint odor of crack in the air). As for the cheerleaders, the girls also brought their car back to life, and soon, all the teams were en route to the horses once again!

First to arrive at the route marker were Sarah and Peter, and of course, they were in top annoying form. “C’mon, Sarah! Let’s go! Let’s go!” Peter said in his typically condescending way of cheering her on. Even worse, he then said, “C’mon, sister!” Lesson one of being a good boyfriend: don’t call your girlfriend “sister.” Might make things weird during sex (not to mention the one-legged thing, but that’s nobody’s fault really). Of course, this all assumes that these two even have sex, and to be honest, I’m getting a distinct Sam Champion vibe off of Peter. Just sayin’.

The Miss Americas arrived at the horses soon after, and as they put on their indigenous helmets, one of the girls noted, “I’m a Mongolian right now. Bring me some barbecue, baby!” Oh, silly Miss Americas and their… wait… wait… okay, it’s official. I’m now craving Mongolian BBQ. DAMMIT. If I don’t get some soon, I’ll get the shakes, and I guarantee that it’ll be worse than any sort of detox period Tyler and James ever had.

Meanwhile, David and Mary, who had been doing so well, decided to off-road a little bit and wound up engorged deep in mud. Funny thing about mud: if you drive in it, you’ll get stuck! I guess that’s just another exciting lesson for the coalminer and his wife!

Kimberob soon arrived at the route marker, and guess who was scared to ride the horsies? That’s right: Kimberly. After her harrowing battle with the waters of Mongolia, she probably didn’t think this leg of the race could get any worse, but lo! She now had to face down her biggest fear: riding a small horse for two miles! “Can horses smell fear?” she asked.

“No, those are bees and dogs,” said Rob, zoologist extraordinaire.

Well, horses may not smell fear, but they certainly can tell when there’s a whiny bitch on their backs. Kimberly’s horse happily trotted under a tree branch, and even though they weren’t going particularly fast, she still managed to get completely knocked off the horse, thus making for one of the funniest moments of the night. As she bawled like a baby, an aghast Rob said, “This is crazy, dude!” Yeah! Nothing crazier than falling off a three-foot-high horse! INSANE!

At least Kimberly didn’t get to experience the joy of being dragged around a meadow like a worthless piece of detritus. Yes, one of the Miss America’s managed to fall off her horse too, but unlike Kimberly, she still had her foot in the saddle. Her horse decided to bolt away, which meant this poor girl was tugged along mercilessly in what looked to be not such a pain-free experience. Amazingly, the girl was okay, which was great for her. I kind of wished it had happened to Kimberly, just to see what sort of hysterics she’d devolve into.

Anyway, once the horses reached a field, teams reached this leg’s Detour: “Take it down” or “Fill It Up.” Incidentally, those are the same two options Phil gives his wife during fellatio. Oh I keeed! It was just too easy. Sorry, Phil!

For “Take It Down,” teams had to take down the canvas walls and roof of a nomadic shelter, fold it all up properly, and place it on a camel. In “Fill It Up,” teams had to lead a cart and ox-type beast (called a Heiny or something like that) five hundred yards away to a river, fill up four buckets, travel back, and use the buckets to fill up a basin. As Phil mentioned, this wasn’t a particularly demanding task, but it all came down to taming that beast.

Well, the Miss Americas got to work on the water jugs while Peter and Sarah attempted the nomadic shelter, at her suggestion. Oh, and by the way, a new jeep had come for David and Mary, who were still languishing in the mud, having now fallen to ninth place. Anyhoo, Peter and Sarah immediately had trouble with their Detour, and he wasn’t afraid to voice his displeasure. “This was a horrible task to pick!” Peter complained. Translation: I hope you realize what you’ve done, you peg-legged BITCH!

As Sarah began to tear up, Peter whined, “Sarah, I’m not going to be able to match that knot system. I’m just not going to be able to.” Get it? He’s knot going to be able to! Nevertheless, Peter then insisted that they change Detours, and when Sarah sniffled that she hated to quit, he clapped his hands together and patronizingly said in his best dog-owner voice, “Sarah! Let’s go! C’mon c’mon!!!” He then showed her a tennis ball, threw it thirty feet away, and said, “Go get it, girl! C’mon, you can do it!”

Anyway, the two switched over to the “Fill It Up” task, which led to the always welcome “jug” reference. “Sarah, you gotta hold those jugs!” Peter yelled. Snickering by me ensued. However, I soon let out hearty guffaws when it became obvious that even the mammals hauling the water carts couldn’t stand Peter. At the slightest prompting, the beast would just run away, probably sick of Peter saying things like “C’mon! You can do it! Way to go, sister beast!”

As for Sarah, the frustration was getting to her, and she began to cry. Peter then refused to do anything until she composed herself, but Sarah insisted, “I’m just getting teary.” Yes, it’s just a case of some pesky tears! Never mind her shoulders undulating with each powerful sob. But hey, at least that infernal beast was finally calming down. Oops! Spoke too soon. Once again, the animal charged off to the Mongolian horizon, clearly hoping to never deal with these two annoying jerks ever again. Ah, sweet emancipation!

“I refuse to work with these people! What am I? An animal? Oh wait…”

Realizing that they were unable to tame the beasts of Mongolia, Peter and Sarah returned to their original Detour: emulating the complex knot system of the nomads. However, their ineffectualness with “Fill It Up” didn’t deter Team Lyn/Lyn, who decided to give up on “Take It Down” and try their hand at fetching water. Needless to say, the animals were much more receptive to them.

Down at the river, the Miss Americas needed to fill up only one or two more jugs before they could move on. As they left to make their trek back to the main water basin, one of the girls realized that her furry helmet was missing, but she decided to move on anyway. We knew this would lead to bad things because the producers suddenly did the ominous Slow Motion of Doom on her. Clearly, she was about to fall off the cart and split her head open. Silly beauty queen.

And speaking of those carts, it turned out that riding them wasn’t always the most comfortable endeavor. Case in point: Kimberob. While Kimberly led the animal from the river, Rob rode in the back, his body over the jugs to make sure they wouldn’t fall over. Apparently the bumpy terrain was not to his pleasing because he whined/shouted, “OWWWWW!!!! GOD!!!!” To which Kimberly snapped back, “SHUT UP!!!” And ever the wordsmith, Rob countered with the clever response, “YOU SHUT UP!!!” Gotta love the generic folk from Los Angeles. Here’s to hoping another branch knocks them over.

Well, first to complete this arduous Detour were the Miss Americas, who were hoping to be the first girl-girl team to win the entire race. Up until this point, they looked like they were well on the way to success. But then it was time for the next clue: drive to the Hotel Mongolia (okay, not so bad). Teams must ride horses back to their cars (okay) and wear all the same safety gear (DOH!). Yes, turns out that pesky helmet was now integral to the Miss Americas. They could not move on without it. Yeah, they were screwed. But then again, how exactly do you lose sight of a giant, furry helmet?

With Dustin and Kandice searching for their headgear, Duke and Lauren pulled into the lead as they properly completed the “Take It Down” challenge. Peter and Sarah, meanwhile, still toiled away, with Peter saying to his girlfriend, “Tight. Really tight. Show your strength, Sarah!” Seriously, dude needs to shut up. If I hear another pseudo-Starting Over form of encouragement, I’m gonna set my TV on fire.

Hey, remember Team Win/Win? You know, the Asian guys Erwin and Godwin? Well, Godwin couldn’t find his hat either. Great. While they poked around the forests of Terelj, Kimberob continued to enjoy a team meltdown as Kimberly came to a halt and bawled at Rob, “PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME! I CAN’T DO THIS!” Yes, the stress of walking slowly with an animal WAS JUST TOO MUCH!!! STOP IT!!!

As for the cheerleaders, turns out their stalled car from way before was stalled a loooong time because they were just arriving. They saw Dustin and Kandice standing around (their Mongolian helper was out searching for the hat), and thought the girls were done with everything — just chilling out now. Yes, people don’t often chill out after their Detours. And they especially don’t chill out with tears streaming down their faces.

Well, the cheerleaders got to work unpacking the nomadic shelter, and meanwhile, Kimberob finally finished the challenge and headed off to the Hotel Mongolia. With nerves calmed down, Rob explained, “I wasn’t yelling at you. I just didn’t know how else to say– you know what I mean, babe?” Yes, that clarifies everything. You see, he wasn’t yelling at you. He was just yelling towards you.

Back at the Detour, David and Mary finished up their water fetching (and they even gave an extra jug to the single-moms. Aww). The Miss Americas also finally got their helmet back, and soon enough, everyone was heading off to the next destination. Even the cheerleaders were somehow in the pack having made short work of the Detour. Ah, but just when everything seemed all fine and dandy, disaster struck thrice. Lyn/Lyn and the cheerleaders couldn’t get their cars started. Plus, Win/Win’s car broke down on the side of the road. Gotta love those old Russian military vehicles! Nothing says reliable like “old” and “Russian”!

Luckily for Win/Win, even though a bunch of teams passed them on the road, they managed to get some help from strangers and start the car Little Miss Sunshine style by running it down a hill and hopping inside. As for the cheerleaders, a random dude helped them rev their car back to life with a crank device, and soon they were on the road to glory. This left only the single-moms to languish in vehicular hell. One of the mothers tried to use the crank to similar effect, but alas, she was met with failure. As we went to the commercial break, we couldn’t help wondering if she’d ever get it started!

Of course, considering that the cheerleaders had been parked about twenty feet away from Lyn/Lyn, it was no surprise that the same guys who helped the girls would now help the mothers. Sure enough, disaster was averted as the single-moms and their new rejuvenated car hit the road in search of the Hotel Mongolia.

Up at the front of the pack, teams arrived at the aforementioned Hotel Mongolia where they were greeted with the Road Block. One member from each team had to take part in an ancient Mongolian archery exercise. They must hit a target 160 feet away with a flaming arrow. Once completed, they they would have to run to a nearby pavilion, which was the Pit Stop for this leg.

Well, teams started shooting the flaming arrows (how no one caught on fire is beyond me), and first to hit the target was Peter, which meant he and Sarah wound up taking first place for this leg. As a result, they won a nifty trip for two (the details of which seemed to be dubbed in after the fact), courtesy of Travelocity. Phil then asked, “Did you imagine that you’d be two legs into the race and be first?” He then added, “I mean, not literally two legs. One leg. But on the second leg of the race. I mean, part of the race. I mean… awwwwkward…”

Second to hit the target and show at Phil’s mat were Tyler and James. Junkie models! Meanwhile, the cheerleaders managed to get lost en route to Hotel Magnolia. They actually turned around, and as they drove on what they believed to be the correct route, they passed right by the single-moms. So who was heading in the right direction? Lyn/Lyn or the Kellie and Jamie? Only time would tell!

Back at the Roadblock, Lauren attempted to hit the target with her arrow, and I’m shocked Duke wasn’t already knee-deep in a pool of his own tears. She eventually succeeded, and the two checked in third place. Meanwhile, Tom happily lived up to gay stereotypes by nearly dropping the flaming arrow on his foot. That would have really taken the term “flamer” to new levels. However, he rebounded from this foppish error and managed to hit the target. He and Terry trekked up to Phil and said, “Tawk to us.” We were then treated to the very rare PhilAccent™ as he replied in a New Yawk accent, “I’ll tawk to you! Yaw team numbah fowr!” Wow! Phil with the dialect prowess! Is there anything he can’t do? (Aside from wearing loose fitting pants.)

We then watched a montage of Kimberly and David messing up, their partners peppering them with hostile support and criticism. At one point the Miss Americas hit their target (and as a result checked in fifth place), causing Rob to yell, “She just got it. YOU GO TO DO IT!” Hmmm… he’s been a real bitch this episode. Maybe he’s trying to reassert dominance? If trends continue, they might just become Robberly again.

At one point, Kimberly actually managed to his the wooden wall in front of her with her arrow, and I’m shocked that the whole thing didn’t go down in flames. Luckily, she did eventually manage to hit her target, causing Rob to yell happily, “GET OVER HERE!!!!” He will hug you with loving ANGER!!

David also hit his target, but as he and his wife ran to the Pit Stop, Mary managed to tweak her ankle. This could only mean bad things for them. Maybe not on this leg, but next week. Nevertheless, Kimberob checked in at 6th, followed by David and Mary at 7th, and Win/Win at 8th.

Back on the open road, both the single-moms and the cheerleaders looked like they were approaching the Hotel Mongolia, but as you may remember, they were each going in different directions. So which team wound up taking the correct route? Lyn/Lyn! That’s right, the single-moms arrived at the Roadblock while Kellie and Jamie drove around Outer Mongolia. “Today is our stupid day,” they said. To be fair, that’s usually what they say every day at around 3:17 PM.

Well, the single moms hit their target and checked in ninth place, which meant that unless this was a nonelimination round, the cheerleaders were toast. The girls eventually arrived at the Roadblock where they alternately cried and tried to hit the target. If it made them feel any better, even if they hadn’t gotten lost, they surely would have been eliminated anyway because they could not for the life of them hit that target. Day turned into night, and arrow after arrow after arrow fell short. Finally, they just gave up, and sure enough, they were eliminated. Sniff sniff.

“Jamie and Kelly: I’m sorry to tell you that… you smell horrendous. Have you been rolling in feces?”

“We have brought great shame to our ancestors.”

I was slightly sad to see them go, only because the potential for idiotic comments was so high. Plus, I really wanted to see what other cheers they and Tom and Terry might come up with. Alas, all good things come to an end, and since I pretty much love all the teams, I’ll be sad every week. Oh well.

What did you think about this episode? Sad to see the cheerleaders go? Or good riddance?