Last week, Jonathan Baker lit up the internet after he shoved his wife Victoria on national television. Websites such as this one were (and continue to be) full of angry viewers who wanted some sort of repercussion to this behavior, and we’re proud to say that on last night’s Amazing Race, the producers took Jonathan aside, gave him a stern talk, and then ultimately removed him from the competition. And by “stern talk” and “removed him”, I mean they quietly stood in the corner and whispered “Ratings gold mine!” to each other.
Yes, Jonathan and Victoria were back for another rousing episode of The Amazing Race with nary a reprimand nor a contemplative moment from the producers. Heck, we would have settled for a public service announcement from Tina Turner. But no. There was a race to be had, not a social issue to be discussed.Freddy and Kendra kicked off this leg of the race by sprinting to Checkpoint Charlie at the Berlin Wall. Kendra engaged in some casual whining, insisting that they return to the hotel for “research”. Unfortunately for Freddy, this was not some euphemism for sex.
Victoria meanwhile popped up to reacquaint us with her patented style of punchbag love. “I don’t like anyone screaming at me, but that’s just Jon,” she rationalized. She then added “I don’t like when people slap me upside the head with a glass tumbler, but hey, that’s just Jon too. And I’m powerless to leave the situation because I’ve been told that I am nothing without him. I just have to assume he’s correct! Tee-hee!” I personally don’t like douchebags, but hey, that’s just Jon too.
While Victoria convinced herself that everything was her fault, the much saner duo of Gus and Hera explained their philosophy: “Rushing for rushing’s sake never seems to do much,” Gus said. He and Hera then proceeded to perambulate slowly across the city, pausing to window shop, paint landscapes, and occasionally nap. Eventually the two arrived at Checkpoint Charlie where Gus launched into a history of the location. “You know, during the war…” Gus started. I don’t remember what else he said since I was already ASLEEP.
Meanwhile, gender bending team Rebecca and Adam bounded out of the gate, but after last week’s sexually charged sausage mission, things had changed for these two. “My opinion of Adam has changed,” Rebecca said. “He’s just stubborn and spoiled.” And GAY. Cut to Adam swishing across Germany, desperately hoping Checkpoint Charlie was a leather bar.
Teams learned that their next destination would be the Olympic Stadium in Berlin. “Triumph of the Will” reenactment anyone? Luckily that was not on the docket, but everyone goose stepped, er, ran to the stadium anyway. Hayden opted to lunge into traffic, nearly turning to roadkill in the process. Amazingly, Aaron did not let out one of his ColinLite rants by saying something like “watch where you’re walking. you’re so STUPID. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!”
Doing a less impressive job of rage control was Victoria, who felt the need to redirect Jonathan’s rage onto a hapless cabbie. “It’s a green light! Go!” she yelled as they sat at a, um, red light. When the driver mentioned that they were in fact not at a green light, Victoria slunk back into her seat with a defeated “Okay…” Who would have thought Victoria would be able to bend reality in order to justify her actions? Anyway, Jon and the cabbie both sucker punched Victoria and moved on.
Freddie and Kendra were first to arrive at the stadium where they signed up for some activity on a board. Surprise, surprise â€” Kendra whined that they should go research somewhere. What did she want to research? Stuff? Just research in general? I half expected her to boast “I have a masters in research. It’s my lifeblood. Now let’s pick a random page out of an encyclopedia and research!” Unfortunately for her, she turned to the page on Senegal.
Teams eventually filtered into the stadium, with each one signing in. Jon was kind enough to scrawl only “Jonathan Baker” on the board in a delightfully self-absorbed moment. Now either he had replaced Victoria with a wayward baker, or he once again had designated her as his packhorse, not even worthy of a mention on the signup board. Well, the latter was true, and while the other teams quietly made fun of them and suggested counseling, Jon and Victoria had it out again in the back of a cab. “When are you going to carry your own weight?” he asked/screamed. He then added “Remember the last leg when you carried my bag and I carried nothing? Yeah, that was great.”
Anyway, all the teams eventually signed in on the wettest board ever (could they have put it under an overhang?) and the next morning were introduced to their next task: “Hot Rocket Bungee.” Upon hearing the name of this Roadblock, Adam immediately asked “Oh, is that where you like bend over, put tabasco sauce in your butt and then–” at which point everyone started yelling “La la la la la.” In his defense, Adam did say “What? I’ve never actually DONE that. I’ve only heard about it. And, you know, seen it in movies and magazines. And well, okay, there was this one time – or actually it was twice a week – Paul and I…” Earmuffs.
Turns out the Hot Rocket Bungee was simply a slingshot type bungee event, not anything vaguely sexual â€” at least not that I know of. All the girls jumped at the opportunity to do it. All the girls and Adam, that is. Rebecca wasn’t about to let that happen though as she quickly pulled rank: “You’re not doing this, pussy boy.” She then gave Adam a wedgie and, of course, a swirly.
Researcher extraordinaire Kendra was first up. She shot through the air at such fast speeds that she seemed on the verge of yelling “SENEGAL SUCKS!!!!” in excitement. Sadly for Kendra, she forgot to research the benefits of dramamine as she soon felt dizzy and sick, or as she said it “Baby, I feel dizzy and sick. Baby.” Of course we were all expecting this since this was the heavily hyped angle of all the CBS promos last week. What will happen to Kendra??
Uh, actually nothing. After a brief spell of nausea, she stood up and waltzed to the cab. Were they serious? Does brief nausea constitute a whole promo? CBS hyped it up so much, I half expected Kendra to throw up Osama Bin Laden.
Not long after Kendra’s Hot Rocket Bungee attempt, Victoria soon took the reigns. Jon tried to provide some support, yelling “Victoria, you’re a superhero!!!” He then added that her special power was receiving beatings. Nevertheless, she was flung into the air, and I think we could all empathize with Victoria as she probably squeaked “Freedom! Glorious freedom!” Actually, she didn’t say that, but the noises she did make had me wondering if they were that different from when she and Jonathan have sex.
Picking up the rear of the bungee beauties was Lori who praised her good fortune of having not gone for a larger boob job. Could have made the bungee a bit precarious, she claimed. Yeah, I don’t understand her logic either. Bolo meanwhile chatted with the crane operator, explaining to him how he’s not on steroids.
Eventually, the bungee madness gave way to our favorite Amazing Race pastime: airport shenanigans. Freddy, Kendra, Hayden, and Aaron all showed up at the airport first, snagging tickets on the first flight to Budapest, the next destination. Jon and Victoria were next to arrive at the airport, but while they waited in line, sneaky Gus and Hera made a bee line to the travel agents and booked the last tickets on the flight. I think everyone enjoyed watching Jon lose the tickets from right under his nose, but even better was the way he tried to verbally harangue the airport workers. Eventually, when it became clear that he wouldn’t be getting on the earliest flight, Jon tried some clunky PA on a lady at the ticket desk by saying “You made us lose the race. Thank you.” Part of me really wanted the lady to hold up a picture of Hitler and say “Do you really want to mess with us?” Anyway, Jon stormed off with a look that seemed to say “I have an appointment at the airport Cinnabuns!” Supplicant Victoria followed, hauling the luggage as usual. Damn her and her inability to carry her own weight.
Once in Hungary, teams met their next obstacle: the Trabant, a small clownish car known for breaking down and attracting mockery to Hungary. I guess they’re sort of like Yugos, except without all the refinery. The Trabant, however, should not be confused with the Trebek, a similar car which features useless trivia and patronizing over-pronunciation of ethnic words.
In an amazing feat of stomach sucking, Gus managed to stuff himself into the tiny car which of course led to the inevitable Chris Farley paraphrasing: “Fat guy in a little car.” Luckily Gus was a former aviator (he just barely lost out to Leonardo DiCaprio for Scorcese’s film) and was able to get his Trabant on the road in no time. He happily announced that the car wouldn’t be speeding and so they might as well enjoy the scenery. You know after the race Gus told all his friends “Oh, and then they gave us this car that was so slow. You couldn’t get above forty miles per hour on it. It was the best.”
Having worse luck with the vehicle were Aaron and Hayden who chose a car with a dead battery. In a moment of frustration, Aaron punched an innocent traffic pole and spilt his hand open. I for one would like to start a letter writing campaign to CBS. Pole abuse is a sickness and must be stopped, preferably by a piano-scored public service announcement. I personally won’t be satisfied until the cast of “Two and a Half Men” address this issue with suitable bowling shirt pinache.
Speaking of abuse, Jon was kind enough to shut the car trunk… on Victoria. Yes, the quintessential sign of enduring love: slamming a metal door on your wife. Once in the car, Jon crowed about his driving abilities. “I’m really good with cars. I know where the clutch it,” he said. He then rattled off his other accomplishments which included finding the steering wheel, knowing how to sit in the seats, being able to see through the windows, and similarly, being able to find the correct window to look out of (he calls this the “windshield” factor).
Less sure of her abilities was Hayden who took to the backseat with a map and an attitude. “I’m retarded with directions” she warned. Uh, just look at the map and figure out the route. Oh, but I make it sound so easy. I forget that Hayden really does have a difficulty with directions. Ever since she was a little kid, she’s had a chronic problem of either rolling maps into little balls and throwing them away, or simply eating them.
Back in Abusive Trabant #1, Victoria decided to try out some of her new comic material. She asked Jon to turn on the non-existent air conditioning (AC bits are always KILLER!), and when he inevitably snapped, Victoria responded with “I’m just teasing! God! Have a sense of humor!” Jon then punched Victoria in the face, adding “Where’s your sense of humor now, bitch?”
For those wondering, Victoria Fuller and her ventilation comedy will be playing the Primm Casino, NV from January 17 – 21.
While Jonathan and Victoria went at it for the umpteenth time, Freddy and Kendra were first to arrive at the Detour, which was a choice between hauling a big-ass cannon or flinging watermelons with a catapault. The models opted for the brawn-centric choice while Gus and Hera, who arrived shortly after, went immediately for the watermelon. I won’t even touch that one.
On the highway, Aaron and Hayden continued to have navigational issues. “Is this the exit?” Hayden asked as they glided past the proper exit. Maybe she should have asked the person who was holding the map. Oh wait. That was her. Okay, so maybe she’s not so great with directions. It’s not like she’s on a TV show where she has to “find” places and use “maps” and employ some sort of a “directional sense.”
Up at the Detour castle, the models were quick to finish their cannonball run, although not before Freddy urged Kendra to “Come on, Punky.” Just when these two couldn’t get any more annoying, they had to bust out the lame nicknames. We never did find out what Freddy’s pet name was, but I’ll just assume it was “Blandy”. Nevertheless, the two received their next clue which was to head back by train to Budapest and locate the Net Klub internet cafe. We weren’t sure what was in store for them there, but a preview shot showed an expectant Phil standing ominously in a webcam window. Oooh. Amazing Video Conferencing! Where could Phil be? A CBS reality host retreat? Julie Chen is SO greeting everyone at the door with dip. Probst is already on the couch, watching football, munching on Bugles.
The models may have been headed back to the big city, but some others hadn’t even reached the Detour. Rebecca and Adam appeared to be at wits end trying to get their Trabant to function. Maybe Adam should have stopped changing gears without pressing the clutch. Either way, they soon found themselves on the shoulder of the highway, peddling their feminine wares for a bit of roadside assistance. Sadly for Adam, no burly trucker in need of some man loving was available, but an old guy did come over to help. “Some nice guy pulls over and does some voodoo spell on the engine,” Rebecca explained as the Trabant purred back to life. Odds are that “voodoo spell” was called “releasing the emergency break”. The formerly dating couple were soon back on the road though, and with Rebecca now at the wheel, Adam was reduced to making a most telling statement: “She’s the king of the game.” I just don’t even know anymore with these two…
Lovebirds Jon and Victoria finally arrived at the Detour, and within seconds, not-carrying-her-own-weight Victoria was tugging the heavy part of the cannon up the hill. In a rare moment of defiance, she insisted that Jon be the man and take her more rigorous position, to which Jon responded that she be the woman and shut up. But even though Jon asked Victoria to be the woman, he couldn’t resist being the bitch as he pestered Gus with schoolyard complaints like “You took our seats!” Gus simply replied with a dismissive wave and the succinct put down “Little bastard.” Honestly, Jon should know better. You don’t mess with a fat man doing manual labor. Oh, but Jon was relentless. Even after Gus bared his man tits again in a universal gesture that seemed to say “Go away. I’m not afraid to use these things,” Jon still whined “That was MY flight!” I’m sorry, I forgot that every airline has two tickets reserved for Jonathan Baker on every flight. They really were his tickets. Gus should have been more thoughtful.
In the meantime though, while Jon bickered and yelled, we were able to take in yet another element of his mid-life crisis: the comb-over. We know Jon has a Ferrari (small dick, check) and a trophy pinup wife (small dick, double check) and an earring (miniscule dick bordering on fleshy thimble, check) and an undying need to boss everyone around (okay, it’s a micro pee pee), but for the first time I realized why he sports that longish homeless ‘do. He’s got male pattern baldness. I suppose it’s been there all this time, but I just noticed it this week. I’ll be sure to point it out generously from here on in.
Of course, it’s hard to focus on the hair when he’s doing jackass things like prancing shirtless around the Detour with a tarp wrapped around his neck. Yes, that’s exactly what Jon did in a display of “whimsy” and “humor.” Apparently tarp comedy is the hot trend in Encino these days. In other news, Victoria has been bumped from the Primm Casino schedule to make room for Jonathan Baker and his Tarp ventriloquism act.
Elsewhere in Hungary, Kris and Jon smiled eagerly as their car broke down in the middle of the street. But not even the angry curses of local commuters could ruin these kids’ spirits as they happily embraced their replacement car as if it were a Christmas present from Santa. Later, as they carried cannonballs, Kris chirped “Thank you for being so strong, baby.” I’m sorry, I just got an instant cavity from their sugary sweetness. Equally peppy were Freddy and Kendra who had taken seats on the train to Budapest. Kendra had a hopeful gleam in her eyes that seemed to say “Oh, I hope we can research!”
On a later train, Jonathan cornered Gus and boasted “we are flawless runners. If we had been on your plane, we’d be in first.” Shut up and put a shirt on.
Ambiguously gay duo Adam and Rebecca eventually showed up at the Detour, and without missing a beat, Adam had Rebecca bent over doggie style. “Be the Hungarian trucker. Be HIM!” he yelled. Actually, he didn’t say that at all. But once again, I couldn’t help wondering if their sex life sometimes sounded like this.
After a lovely commercial break, we returned to Lori and Bolo who not only got lost this episode, but suffered a vehicular meltdown. As the two waited patiently on the side of the road for their replacement car, CBS flashed a logo on screen which read “Kennedy Center Honors Next!” Well, that was an odd juxtaposition. Yes, nothing gets me more psyched for lifelong achievements in arts and humanities than watching two JV wrestlers squabble next to a clown car.
The episode eventually wound down with teams racing to the internet cafe. Even though Gus and Jon took the same train to Budapest, the ex-CIA man still made it to the Net Klub first. So much for that whole “flawless racer” thing, Jon, huh? Unsurprisingly, Jon’s flaw was his unbridled rage which again cost him preciouls time. Apparently those Eastern Europeans are still sensitive to tyrannical assholes because a cabbie actually kicked Jon and Victoria out of the car after the spa owner mouthed off one too many times. Applause all around the TVgasm offices.
With only a minute left in the program and Lori and Bolo trapped in the ‘burbs with a bad train schedule, it became apparent that this episode was going to have an unconventional ending. I mean, none of the teams had even checked in to the Pitstop. Heck, we didn’t even know where the Pitstop was! Sure enough, the words “TO BE CONTINUED” flashed across the screen as Lori and Bolo settled in for a comfy night of sleeping on a bench. To be continued? With my heart racing and no closure, I had nothing else to do except throw a lawn chair in the nearest pool. Actually, no, I didn’t do that. And wow, I just made myself sound like Mischa Barton without even realizing it. That usually means I’ve been watching too much TV. So I guess it’s time for a break. I’ll be back after New Years.