You know, a lot of people didn’t know what to do with themselves after Charla and Mirna were cut from The Amazing Race last week. How would we pass the hour without our lovable little person and her oddball sidekick? It seemed unfathomable. The season was all but over for many viewers. Who would have thought a dash of domestic abuse would fill the void oh so well? Colin and Christie took center stage tonight as their typical bickering escalated into a full scale battle with the police in Kilimanjaro. In only a matter of minutes, we learned not only why Americans are hated around the world but how severely Colin was abused as a child. This guy has issues.I guess life is hard for Colin. For some reason, he just can’t get any respect from strangers around him. Maybe they don’t realize that the angry scowl on his face means he’s happy. You know, the sort of happiness you feel when you only want to whip two people instead of ten. Nevertheless, it seems like some pesky foreigner who can’t speak English (idiot!) is always screwing things up for Colin and gosh darnit, these people seem to actually get angry when he talks down to them in hostile tones. Who do these jerks think they are? Human beings?
Tonight, Colin’s big beef was that a cabbie charged him $100 for a two hour ride to the airport. Colin felt entitled to a $50 rebate after the cab’s tire blew out and cost them their lead. His rationale: driving for two hours on a doughnut is unsafe at any speed. He’s right. The cabbie really should have taken the car to that famous twenty-four hour tire specialist in rural Tanzania. Wait, there is no service station open at 3 AM to fix a flat tire? Oh, that’s right. I guess that can be a tall order for the THIRD WORLD.
Well, even though all the other teams forked over $100 to their cabbies (including Linda and Karen whose cab broke down with an oil problem), Colin haggled rudely over the price. Eventually the driver found a police officer who brought Colin down to the station. There, the irate Texan treated the officers like children, going so far as to say Hakuna Mattata. In the midst of this, Christie pleaded for Colin to just pay the other $50 and get on with it. The altercation continued to escalate though, with Colin yelling at the officer in command. “I have a flight to catch!” he yelled, as if that would somehow justify all this chaos. The police chief was unimpressed. Only moments before being thrown in a rat infested cell (I don’t know if it was infested, but it adds drama to my recap), Colin finally tossed over the rest of the money and brusquely huffed out of the police department. Amazingly, he managed to blame it all on Christy. For a brief moment, she actually stood up for herself by judiciously noting that she, in fact, had done absolutely nothing. I mean, literally nothing. At this moment, I half expected Colin to find some pay phone, call up O.J., and ask for tips.
The saddest part of this entire saga was Christie who after a moment of defiance, eventually apologized to Colin and then told the camera later in the episode that she should never have questioned him. She then apologized for the time when Colin was six and his stepfather beat him with a wire hanger because somehow she was responsible for that too. Most deplorable about this situation was that after the taxi incident passed, Colin still managed to be verbally abusive to Christie in front of the other teams, haranguing her by saying “I’m just trying to tell the story! God!” Last time I checked, a Texas Gentleman believes in a thing called chivalry, not public displays of rudeness to your girlfriend.
The good news was that Colin and Christie weren’t the only team having some drama. Our hopelessly devoted Christian pals Brandon and Nicole had a battle of the whines in a lame argument about fiscal responsibility. I really don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of the fight because the more I think about it, the more I hear the two of them moaning “Baby…” to each other, but suffice it to say, Nicole was upset that Brandon was being so liberal with the money. So let’s just run down some of the do’s and don’ts of being a devout Christian, according to the dating/models. Drinking – bad. Lying and backstabbing – good. Giving money to the poor – bad. Wow, they really set a great example.
While Brandon and Nicole whined about their financial woes and Colin and Christie performed the pre-beating rituals, Chip and Kim simply smiled nervously as they realized their cash was running out. Unfortunately, Chip – apparently experiencing the best cab ride of his life – tipped a driver twenty dollars, a sum which placed a significant dent in their funds. That’s okay though. They have an unlimited amount of that special currency which is accepted throughout the world: the old goofy Chip smile. Don’t believe me? Chip and Kim managed to underpay a cabbie ten dollars, and instead of a shouting match at the local police station, they got away with a simple hug and a friend for life. Okay, maybe not that, but Chip’s strategy of not blaming the cabbie seemed to work amazingly well.
Elsewhere in the world of the Amazing Race, the twins started off the episode with a new outlook on life. Instead of reading clues without intellectually processing them, they’ve decided to actually think about their tasks at hands and not run off in any random direction. It makes a huge difference. But then again, these gals never saw a task they couldn’t screw up, so tonight’s Twins Moment came when they erred on the side of too much caution. The two arrived at the Detour’s skydiving destination, only to leave to make sure they hadn’t actually missed any other AR flags. This of course led to a major loss of time on the Twins’ part. It was unfortunate, but I was glad to see the Twins adopting some remote form of logic in this game for once.
The plus side to this blunder is that we got to see an insanely exciting race to the finish line which featured the ever chipper moms riding their camels to Phil while the twins literally fell from the sky above. After all of the moral drama of the episode, Colin and Christie wound up finishing first again – that’s one less welt for you, Christie! – while the twins reached Phil last. I would have been really unhappy to see any of the teams get eliminated before Colin or Brandon, so I was particularly pleased to learn that this episode was non-elimination. I do fear for the twins’ lives as they try to navigate Dubai without any money. This could be blunderfest 2004.