Ike and Tina Join Cast of Amazing Race. Oh Wait, It’s Colin and Christie.

Amazing Race

By B-Side | Wednesday, August 25, 2004 | 2:29 am | 19 Comments

colin_jailYou know, a lot of people didn’t know what to do with themselves after Charla and Mirna were cut from The Amazing Race last week. How would we pass the hour without our lovable little person and her oddball sidekick? It seemed unfathomable. The season was all but over for many viewers. Who would have thought a dash of domestic abuse would fill the void oh so well? Colin and Christie took center stage tonight as their typical bickering escalated into a full scale battle with the police in Kilimanjaro. In only a matter of minutes, we learned not only why Americans are hated around the world but how severely Colin was abused as a child. This guy has issues.I guess life is hard for Colin. For some reason, he just can’t get any respect from strangers around him. Maybe they don’t realize that the angry scowl on his face means he’s happy. You know, the sort of happiness you feel when you only want to whip two people instead of ten. Nevertheless, it seems like some pesky foreigner who can’t speak English (idiot!) is always screwing things up for Colin and gosh darnit, these people seem to actually get angry when he talks down to them in hostile tones. Who do these jerks think they are? Human beings?

Tonight, Colin’s big beef was that a cabbie charged him $100 for a two hour ride to the airport. Colin felt entitled to a $50 rebate after the cab’s tire blew out and cost them their lead. His rationale: driving for two hours on a doughnut is unsafe at any speed. He’s right. The cabbie really should have taken the car to that famous twenty-four hour tire specialist in rural Tanzania. Wait, there is no service station open at 3 AM to fix a flat tire? Oh, that’s right. I guess that can be a tall order for the THIRD WORLD.

Well, even though all the other teams forked over $100 to their cabbies (including Linda and Karen whose cab broke down with an oil problem), Colin haggled rudely over the price. Eventually the driver found a police officer who brought Colin down to the station. There, the irate Texan treated the officers like children, going so far as to say Hakuna Mattata. In the midst of this, Christie pleaded for Colin to just pay the other $50 and get on with it. The altercation continued to escalate though, with Colin yelling at the officer in command. “I have a flight to catch!” he yelled, as if that would somehow justify all this chaos. The police chief was unimpressed. Only moments before being thrown in a rat infested cell (I don’t know if it was infested, but it adds drama to my recap), Colin finally tossed over the rest of the money and brusquely huffed out of the police department. Amazingly, he managed to blame it all on Christy. For a brief moment, she actually stood up for herself by judiciously noting that she, in fact, had done absolutely nothing. I mean, literally nothing. At this moment, I half expected Colin to find some pay phone, call up O.J., and ask for tips.

The saddest part of this entire saga was Christie who after a moment of defiance, eventually apologized to Colin and then told the camera later in the episode that she should never have questioned him. She then apologized for the time when Colin was six and his stepfather beat him with a wire hanger because somehow she was responsible for that too. Most deplorable about this situation was that after the taxi incident passed, Colin still managed to be verbally abusive to Christie in front of the other teams, haranguing her by saying “I’m just trying to tell the story! God!” Last time I checked, a Texas Gentleman believes in a thing called chivalry, not public displays of rudeness to your girlfriend.

The good news was that Colin and Christie weren’t the only team having some drama. Our hopelessly devoted Christian pals Brandon and Nicole had a battle of the whines in a lame argument about fiscal responsibility. I really don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of the fight because the more I think about it, the more I hear the two of them moaning “Baby…” to each other, but suffice it to say, Nicole was upset that Brandon was being so liberal with the money. So let’s just run down some of the do’s and don’ts of being a devout Christian, according to the dating/models. Drinking – bad. Lying and backstabbing – good. Giving money to the poor – bad. Wow, they really set a great example.

While Brandon and Nicole whined about their financial woes and Colin and Christie performed the pre-beating rituals, Chip and Kim simply smiled nervously as they realized their cash was running out. Unfortunately, Chip – apparently experiencing the best cab ride of his life – tipped a driver twenty dollars, a sum which placed a significant dent in their funds. That’s okay though. They have an unlimited amount of that special currency which is accepted throughout the world: the old goofy Chip smile. Don’t believe me? Chip and Kim managed to underpay a cabbie ten dollars, and instead of a shouting match at the local police station, they got away with a simple hug and a friend for life. Okay, maybe not that, but Chip’s strategy of not blaming the cabbie seemed to work amazingly well.

Elsewhere in the world of the Amazing Race, the twins started off the episode with a new outlook on life. Instead of reading clues without intellectually processing them, they’ve decided to actually think about their tasks at hands and not run off in any random direction. It makes a huge difference. But then again, these gals never saw a task they couldn’t screw up, so tonight’s Twins Moment came when they erred on the side of too much caution. The two arrived at the Detour’s skydiving destination, only to leave to make sure they hadn’t actually missed any other AR flags. This of course led to a major loss of time on the Twins’ part. It was unfortunate, but I was glad to see the Twins adopting some remote form of logic in this game for once.

The plus side to this blunder is that we got to see an insanely exciting race to the finish line which featured the ever chipper moms riding their camels to Phil while the twins literally fell from the sky above. After all of the moral drama of the episode, Colin and Christie wound up finishing first again – that’s one less welt for you, Christie! – while the twins reached Phil last. I would have been really unhappy to see any of the teams get eliminated before Colin or Brandon, so I was particularly pleased to learn that this episode was non-elimination. I do fear for the twins’ lives as they try to navigate Dubai without any money. This could be blunderfest 2004.

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19 Comments

  1. 1
    Melis
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 9:31 am

    Call me Colin, but wouldn’t it have been really funny if Chip & Kim or Linda & Karen crashed into the twins as they fell from the sky?

  2. 2
    jack
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 10:10 am

    Well, well–it seems that, while all the boys on Big Brother 5 are dressing like wife-beaters, we’ve got the real thing going on over at the Amazing Race. This episode should be required viewing for women going through domestic abuse counseling. I kept waiting for Christie to say “He doesn’t want to hit me but he has to because I’m so stupid and unworthy.” Anyone who has ever been baffled when a woman they know refuses to leave a physically or psychologically abusive spouse or boyfriend should find this most recent Colin and Christie catastrophe familiar.

    The tragedy is that, in spite of being the quintessential ‘Ugly American’(you gotta love foreign relations Texas-style), Colin is probably the most focused and competent person left in the race. The other teams are going to have to tap into a bit of that psychotic, eye-bulging intensity now that the ranks are thinning.

    But there’s hope in two words: ostritch egg. Food comps are Colin and Christie’s kryptonite. Let’s hope the ever-dashing Phil K. (who once again broke from his Cyberdine Systems programming and accepted an embrace from lovable huggy-bear Chip at the pit stop) has found some bloody-turd Bedouin Delicacy to get Colin eliminated before his behavior swells Al Qaeda’s recruiting ranks any further.

  3. 3
    alan
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 10:54 am

    Another great recap. thanks again! Colin is such a baby, it’s amazing. The preview for next week when he shouts, “I’m PACKING!” is classic Colin. Is he referring to the gun he has stowed away that he brandishes to Christie whenever she’s bad, I wonder?

    They’ve already used up their Fast Forward, so I doubt they’re gonna stay at the top for long…

  4. 4
    b-side
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 10:55 am

    I don’t know where you came from Jack, but you are hilarious.

    As for Colin and Christie, what’s very sad about the whole situation is that we’re watching this abuse as entertainment when in fact it’s a very serious problem. I hope Christie opens her eyes after this show. But I tend to think she won’t.

  5. 5
    L
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 11:54 am

    I have to agree with b-side. This really isn’t entertainment. I cringed thru most of last nights show, positive that he was going to smack that girl at some point. Classic abusive relationship that she apologises to him after he acts like a jackass and a baby. We were sorely disappointed that he didn’t get arrested. He deserved to.

  6. 6
    jash
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 12:33 pm

    hmm i too at one point REALLY thought colin would reach out and strike christie!

    c3po is the love chile of julie chen and phil kehogan. sure phil has the affable personality, but the overpowering robotice of the chenbot would be all too powerful, rendering a droid like child.

  7. 7
    jack
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 2:11 pm

    thanks for the props, b-side. right back atcha.

  8. 8
    jack
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 2:23 pm

    P.S. – There’s no such thing as a ‘Texas gentleman.’ Texas was founded by Indian killers, escaped convicts, and dirt farmers who got rich Jed Clampett style. It’s like Australia, except the people aren’t particularly friendly and nobody calls you ‘mate.’

    By the way, AR’s resident bible-thumping hypocrites, Brandon and Nicky, are also from Texas. Nicky and Christie, strangely enough, are both ex-pageant girls.

  9. 9
    heather
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 2:46 pm

    um, i hate to even bring this up, but the pizza brothers are from texas too. as a native texan, i’m incredibly embarassed that this is the representation our state is getting. we’re not all like that! though, unfortunately, a large percentage of the state is. [sigh]

  10. 10
    b-side
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 2:51 pm

    Heather, if it makes you feel any better, the pizza brothers were originally from NY before moving to Texas. But everyone knows New Yorkers are supposed to be assholes.

    I can say that because I’m from NY too.

  11. 11
    jash
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 3:31 pm

    heather-its not the contestants on the amazing race i’d be so worried about giving texas a bad name so much as the president.

    oh wait, did this board get politicy? THE CHENBOT FOR SECRETARY OF FUNCTIONS AND MATH!

  12. 12
    heather
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 3:56 pm

    oh, yeah. i had blocked out that dubya is from texas. i try not to think about that. [shudder]

  13. 13
    njy
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 4:33 pm

    christie is so “battered wife.” i was really hoping she’d go all whitney on colin. maybe next week.

  14. 14
    nwokpeach
    Posted August 25, 2004 at 11:27 pm

    I just hope that girl opens her eyes when she sees what all of us are seeing. I too cinged through the whole episode, I so hoped he would get put in jail! When she apologized to him, I just almost came undone, then remembered that it was classic behavior for a woman in her position.I just have a fantasy of a cameraman whisking her away after their elimination!

  15. 15
    frobly
    Posted August 26, 2004 at 1:42 pm

    You know for a brief brief moment I thought (hoped) Christie was going to *really* stand up to Colin and not get on the charter flight with him until he apologized. Man that would have been awesome on so many levels. I wanted them on charter 3 so bad! Alas, it did not happen. Like others here, I hope Christie wises up after the race and leaves Colin’s jackassy ass in the dust. And so *help* me if he WINS. My brain will run screaming out of my skull.

  16. 16
    Rara Avis
    Posted August 27, 2004 at 1:58 am

    I just kept waiting for Christie to come on camera and say “He loves me, he really does. He just hits me because I deserve it.” For some reason, I kept getting the image of the Chen-Bot mechanically consouling her :\ .

  17. 17
    Genevieve
    Posted August 31, 2004 at 6:43 am

    I just finally got around to watching this episode. I was sitting there in awe when Colin was going crazy. Who the hell does he think he is? It’s a good thing the cameras were there or he would of had his ass kicked or been thrown in jail. And throwing that money at them, what an ass. Remember his girlfriend did that in an earlier episode?

    You know who would work good together, is Colin and that “Christian” girl. They’re both asses.

    In fact, that girl and Christie look identical.

    Ok, just ranting…..but seriously, that Colin really pissed me off.

  18. 18
    Petra
    Posted August 31, 2004 at 8:04 am

    Okay, now I’m by no means a Colin fan, but he’s getting slagged off as a wife beater and there’s one small problem: he’s hasn’t actually touched her, and if he had he’d be thrown off the program in a heart beat.
    Yes he’s emotionally abusive which is just as bad, but fair dues, Christie doesn’t seem afraid of him, just cowed.
    Also in previous weeks she’s handed out abuse to other teams and managed to get away with it.

  19. 19
    raisin
    Posted September 1, 2004 at 8:49 am

    hey ya peepz, agree with wat u guys said. in fact colin has make me realise that my bf is an “angel” haha tho my bf has his fair share of losing his temper, but its only when we are arguing. N whenever i demand he gives in, HE DOES!!!! (tho sometime he expect me too) NOT LIKE COLIN!! alwiz blaming christine for watever that goes wrong! at least if i do sulk n throw my tantrums, my bf gives in n says sorry n pamper me, listening to me nag n scolding him haha THANKS COLIN for making me realise this!

    Seriously wonders wat christine thinking?? OR OR haf we been trick by the camera and editing? coz ya noe that TV wld edit of certain things to distort the truth…… wat ya guys think??

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