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Thursday, October 13, 2005
2:02 am
73 Comments
Well, The Amazing Race: Family Edition has been fairly lackluster so far, but I have to admit, I did enjoy this past episode quite a bit (relative to this season, at least). First of all, the teams traveled farther than twenty miles, and secondly, the “Rah Rah Rah America!” vibe was toned down a notch. Not that there’s anything wrong with lovin’ this great big ol’ country of ours, but Family Edition has been getting excessive with its super patriotism. It’s almost like the producers hoped a fervent love for the U. S. of A. would somehow compensate for the lack of challenges associated with language barriers, culture clashes, and general foreign travel anxiety. Still, last night’s show delivered those great trademarks: inventive challenges (at least the Detour) and dozens of notable quotables. And sometimes, that’s all I’m looking for.
But still, CBS, never do Family Edition again…This week’s leg of the race began in Virginia with the Weavers heading out first. Their next mission: fly to Charleston, South Carolina. And yes, that was a trip of 500 miles. I know, crazy right? That’s like a one hour flight!!! But hey, at least it beats a fifteen-mile trek down the road. As the Weavers ran to their taxi, one of the daughters told us, “We’re not in it for any drama.” No, of course not. Meanwhile, these girls scream and cry if they find a bird sitting on a branch. Okay, okay. I’ll be nice to them. They are, after all, traumatized from the death of their father, and that’s not a joking matter. Let’s just hope no runaway buggies haunt this leg of the race.
The Linz family left next, and headed off to Washington/Dulles airport, or as Megan and her oddly Staten Island-y voice called it, “Washington/Dulls.” I’m a little hazy as to who headed off next — probably those wacky Godlewskis, owners of the worst midwestern accents EVER — but what I do remember is that the Schroeder stepmom, a.k.a. “Char,” came on screen and said with an air of self-delusion, “Even though the kids are my step-kids, I’m their friend.” Uh huh. I’m sure. She continued, “I’m happy that they think of me that way instead of, ‘Oooh! It’s a stepmom,’ and that negative connotation that typically comes along with that.” Yeah, isn’t this what every step-mom tells herself?
Later, in the car, Char’s stepson Hunter scoffed at Charleston, saying (or slurring, really), “It’s all historical. I don’t know my history.” Luckily, BFF Char was on the case, telling him to focus, to which Hunter replied with a massive rolling of the eyes. Yup, getting along like old college chums. You hit it on the nose, Char!
The Gaghans left the mat soon after, with little Billy saying, “Deep breaths. In and out. 1, 2, 3.” Surprisingly, that’s the same thing he says every night before his bedtime beatings. Oh — that was cruel. Actually, the Gaghans seem like pretty nice, wholesome people, and their kids, though scary and robotic and Dakota Fanning-ish, are fairly winning. As the fam headed off on the latest adventure, Tammy informed us that “Bill and I have tried to raise our children more like little adults on this race.” Really? We couldn’t tell. Bill Sr. then added, “If anyone thinks kids don’t belong in the Amazing Race, they’ve gotta check out these kids.” Okay, don’t try to sell us, Bertram Van Munster. We don’t like Family Edition. No matter how many times Bill Gaghan reminds us how wonderful his kids are, we’re never going to like having them around. Bill then added, “They are doing a top notch job.” Well, let’s see how Billy and Carissa fare in Bangladesh or Siam or Senegal. Kinda different than running around in Amish Country.
Let’s check in on the Linz family. They were regrettably stuck behind a wide load, causing the guys to joke, “I hate wide loads.” And, “Wide loads are the worst.” What juvenile, stupid humor. (Cut to me making the exact jokes every time I drive by a wide load.)
WalDER and the Bransens headed off next, and the mystery surrounding “Washington/Dulles” continued as one of the daughters pronounced it “Dullés.” Dulls, Dullés — I’m surprised no one’s called it “Dulleese” yet. For those of you wondering, it’s pronounced, “dull-is.” Yeah, that’s right. Dulles snobbery at its finest. I’m not even from DC.
So the race was going along just fine at this point, but I was just waiting for the Paolos to enter the fray because honestly, Marion is just too hilarious to be kept bottled up. Sure enough, the bickering was nearly instantaneous, with Marion barking, “Don’t argue with me now.” Crossing fingers for another great night of Marionisms.
“It’s Amazing Race — American Style!” she declared moments later. Oh, she’s gonna be en fuego tonight!
Well, the teams eventually arrived at Washington/Dullés where we finally tasted our first morsels of traditional airport drama. Who would get the fastest trip to Charleston? One plane would arrive at 10:04 AM and another would arrive at 10:06 AM. Clearly a hotbed for intrigue. Actually, my sarcasm was unwarranted because there was a tiny bit of scandal. You see, everyone had booked their flights, but the Weavers, in their undying quest to learn about airports, decided to ask some airline workers random questions — and, you know, thank the lord too while they were at it. Well, all the other racers assumed they were sneaking onto an earlier flight, and things quickly escalated to ugliness (yes!) when the Aiellos asked the Weavers if they’d found another flight. Shockingly, the Weavers ignored them and simply walked on… perhaps overwhelmed by the newfound closeness to Jesus an airplane afforded them. To be fair, the Weavers actually didn’t do anything wrong. You see, careful Tivo viewers will notice that the Aiello guy only asked about the flight when most of the family had already walked by, and plus, he asked in such a quiet, non-assertive way that it was clear the Weavers simply hadn’t heard or registered the question. So in the case of Aiello vs. Weaver, we side with the defendant. Might as well give them some support, especially since it’s clear that Jesus hates them (we won’t even talk about the previews for next week’s show).
Nevertheless, the Aiellos didn’t have a personal Tivo for their life, so they started up an anti-Weaver hate campaign, the centerpiece of which was them saying, “I hate them.” And soon the gossiping began. Did you hear? The Aiellos asked them a simple question and they walked right on by! That’s not very Christian!!! “They drive me up a wall!” exclaimed one of the Aiellos. Soon the Schroeders had caught the anti-Weaver bug, with Char noting, “I think they’re just playing mind games… They’re silent but deadly.” Did she just compare the Weavers to a fart? I think she did.
Well, the ban may have been on, but that didn’t stop Hunter Schroeder from becoming fast friends with the Weaver son, who according to the website is named… Rolly? The two had a festive game of “let’s slap each other on the knees” going on, and as I watched them bond amidst the craziness of the race, a certain warmth entered my heart — not seen since my cyber child on The Sims first played in the yard with her new friend (I don’t remember his name, but he was Bella Goth’s kid). Sad follow-up: my Sim child had failing grades and since I was too busy becoming an astronaut and trying to pick plates up off the floor, my child was sadly shipped off to military school, never to be seen again. Also, an unfortunate accident with a poorly placed barbecue and some hedges resulted in a fiery death for my wife. I tried to call the fire department, but dammit if my automatic compulsion to pick up plates didn’t stop me.
Hunter may have found a new friend in Rolly (a name that makes you want to go up to him and tussle his hair lovingly), but Char was not about to have it. She full-on platonically cockblocked Hunter, totally ruining that awesome knee game. Later, when she left, Hunter rolled his eyes again and muttered, “She’s a bitch.” But seriously, they see her more as a friend than a stepmom…
Anyway, the families all left on their planes. Well, everyone except the Paolos, who wound up on a third flight that wouldn’t arrive in Charleston until half an hour after the others. This was great for us because we then got to see more Paolo fun, especially when the older son complained of being tired. Marion immediately jumped on him, saying, “Hello! You should have gone to bed when you had to go do this. I don’t want to hear it from you…” I just really like that she employs the sarcastic, “Hello!” Note to self: make a Sims version of the Paolos.
After the commercial break, we saw the teams arriving in Charleston and what the hey? No airplane diagram? This is blasphemy! Anyway, teams went running to their new SUVs, and amidst the fray, one of the Aiellos called out to their father-in-law, “Tony, get your wheels on!” Hey, wait a second. That’s Carissa’s cue. That’s like telling Superman to get in the Batmobile.
The teams drove to the next clue located in a gazebo (or “Gazébo” as the Gaghan father called it) and found themselves facing the next Detour: Forest Gump or Muddy Waters. Oh so clever, you producers! In Forest Gump, teams had to de-head 200 lbs. of shrimp. In Muddy Waters, teams had to drive thirty-seven miles away (whoa! That’s like a whole leg of the race!) and drive through a mud run, facing the distinct possibility of getting stuck.
The Schroeders opted for the shrimp, which meant we got to hear mommy dearest Char complain, “Aw, shrimp juice in my socks, what’s up with that?” She then added, “Even though I’m pulling off their heads, the shrimp really see me more as a friend.” Meanwhile, over in the mud pits, the Weavers — renamed Team Fruit Loop by the Aiellos (in honor of Boston Rob? Bostonians LOVE the term “fruit loop”) — arrived, and before anything even happened, Linda had already uttered, “Thank you, Lord.” Well, the Lord thanked them back by immediately letting them get stuck in the mud. Weavers: figure it out. You + vehicles = bad news.
Meanwhile, their rivals, the Aiellos, showed up to tackle the mud run, and as they sped through the course, it looked like it would be a quick and simple victory. That is until the Weaver’s lord smote them too, causing their car to get stuck right before the finish line. “We were going great guns though,” said one of the guys. Not sure what it meant, but I’ll assume it was akin to “We were doing really well.”
Well, the great Weaver/Aiello Battle of the Mud continued as both teams attempted to power through again, but, well, that Weaver curse is hard to shake. They both wound up stuck again. Should have done shrimp instead. Not only was it easier and faster, but the chances for romance were out of this world. Yes, it looked like Tommy Linz had found love as he feigned making out with a shrimp. He cooed some inaudible, high-pitched sweet-nothings, and of course, to highlight the moment, the producers supplied us with that funky “Hey, we’re havin’ fun here on CBS!” race music. Needless to say, the entire scene was just splendid.
Tommy and a shrimp, sitting in a tree…
Over on the Godlewski’s boat (each team did the shrimp challenge on their own vessel), the sisters were breaking into a competition, but even more importantly, their accents continued to screech out of control. “Which side is going fayaster?” asked one sister. “I don’t know why you’d even ayask!” replied another. Oh my gaaaad! These girls are ganna drive me bayatty!
.
Back at the mud bogs from hell, the Gaghans showed up to try their hand at some South Carolina off-roading. “Let’s go 120 mph so we can just go on top of the mud!” said an eager Billy. For the record, Carissa could still run faster. WHEELS!! WHEELS!!! WHEELS!!!
This is exactly how the Gaghans look when they sing Jingle Bells.
Before the Gaghans could take their turn, however, they had to wait for one of the teams to finish. The Aiellos were on their sixth attempt, and the Weavers, well, they just gave up. “I don’t think it’s feasible,” Linda muttered. The lord HATES you!
Anyway, as teams finished up the shrimp challenge, they learned they’d then have to go to the Charleston Visitor Center and sign up for a charter bus traveling to a mystery destination. Of course, there were two buses — and early one and a late one; first come, first serve. Meanwhile, as the Paolos finally boarded their shrimp boat (they were a half hour behind, don’t forget), Marion immediately put up a warning. “I don’t want to stink!” Bad news: you’re gonna stink.
At the mud bogs, the Gaghans zipped through the challenge on their first attempt, further infuriating the Aiellos. Seriously, I think the Gaghans are robots. Lovable, but robots nonetheless.
Elsewhere on the streets of Charleston, the Bransens and the Linzes found themselves racing for the charter bus in the face of physical setbacks: WalDER was exhausted, and Megan, well, her heart was hurtin’. It was very Nashville Star. Ultimately, the Linz, Schroeder, Bransen, and Godlewski families wound up on the first bus. As they drove off, we then went back to the mud bogs — AGAIN — to watch the Aiellos try this challenge for the umpteenth time. This time, it was clear they were gonna make it. I mean, the momentum was with them. “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” yelled the Marine son, banging his head and going as nuts as anyone who’s made it through Marine hazing. But alas, it was not meant to be. The car sputtered to a halt, stuck in the mud once again. Could you even have imagined Marion at this task? She would have been a-freakin’ out. NOBODY EVER EVER LISTENS TO ME!!!
Speaking of Marion, she was actually already freaking out on the shrimp boat as she forced everyone to take a shrimp. “Here’s a shrimp! Here’s a shrimp!” she yelled. I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not, but I decided I didn’t care because I love every word that comes out of her mouth. “I’m full of shrimp? You’re all getting full of shrimp!!” she yelled at her family as more bickering ensued. “Full of shrimp” — I’m totally using that expression from now on. “You know what, Jeff Probst has to calm down. He’s getting full of shrimp!”
Meanwhile, bus #1 headed off to Alabama, to the rocket capitol of the world in Huntsville. There, teams received their next clue. They had to drive SUVs to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center and find a specific hangar. Okay, blah blah blah, they arrived and what do we have here? A Roadblock. But not just any Roadblock: a two-person Roadblock. Ah, a welcome addition to the Family Edition pantheon. Anyway, for this challenge, two people had to enter a centrifuge and experience 3 g’s. This, ladies and gentlemen, led to one of the best Phil moments of all time. We found our intrepid host strapped into the centrifuge with his body plastered against the wall and his face contorting in acceleration. Yes, it was Phil Keoghan at 3 g’s, and I’ll tell you something: you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Phil at 3 g’s. This was better than that time he stood on top of that skyscraper and had to be tethered down, lest he fall to his untimely PhilDeath™. Making this moment even more of an insta-classic was that Phil actually talked to us from inside the centrifuge, making one of his most hilarious understatements of all time: “If you haven’t noticed, gravity is currently pushing on me.” Funny, I hadn’t noticed! I thought he was only suffering from an incurable back injury.
GravityPhil™
Amazingly enough, the Bransens made it to the Roadblock in time and got to go first. Tommy Linz was ever so supportive as he yelled out, “Don’t puke!” Meanwhile, outside, the Godlewskis roamed around the complex, looking for the hangar. “A hangar is an airplane,” one of them declared. “No, a hanger is what an airplane is in,” corrected another. “Are you sure?” asked the first girl. Cut to me pulling my hair out. I can just imagine that Godlewski girl taking a seat in a hangar and waiting for the building to go airborne. “Oh my gaaash. Why aaaren’t we in the skayyyye?”
After the Bransens finished the Roadblock, they then had to run to “rocket park,” find the Saturn Five, and then a computer terminal featuring (trumpets, please) a huge product placement for AOL. Will this be a repeat of the internet café fiasco from season 6? Don’t know. In the meantime, the Linz brothers got in the centrifuge where Tommy, still basking in the afterglow of his shrimp hookup I’m sure, revealed some not so pleasant news. “Dude, I gotta fart!” he laughed as his brother grimaced. I wonder, do farts smell worse at 3 g’s? And would this emission be silent but deadly, much like the maligned strategy of the Weavers?
We then saw the Schroeders enjoying the centrifuge — “My arm is very heavy!” announced the dad with delight — and then we caught up with the Bransens who had arrived at their computer terminal. What delights would AOL have in store for our racers? Why, only the best delight ever: Phil! Yes, a little, unnecessary video of Phil popped up on the screen. “You are surrounded by the history of space exploration,” he announced. Gotta love SpacePhil. I bet he has a house on the moon. Anyway, Phil announced that teams then had to find the Space Shuttle Pathfinder where they’d find the next Pit Stop. Okay, it’s go time! By the way, Nick Linz wins the award of c-c-c-CRAZIEST AOL-watching eyes.
“Wait, internet porn’s been here all this time?”
Anyway, the Bransens arrived in first place, despite papa Walter’s physical setbacks, and even better yet, they won possibly the greatest prize of all: free gasoline for the rest of their life. Yes, you heard me correctly. FREE. GASOLINE. FOREVER. Courtesy of British Petroleum and Arco. That was such an amazing prize, I couldn’t help but raise my Phil KeoKeoghanghan eyebrow in shock.
Speaking of gas, Tommy Linz and his siblings arrived in second place, and then we moved back to the open road where bus #2 was trekking on to Alabama. Unfortunately for the passengers, the Weaver kids had begun complaining. “It’s wrong that we got three hours of sleep, and we tried to push a Jeep out of a mud bog,” moaned one of the girls. Why was that wrong? Luckily, Marion was there for the color commentary: “She nervous. She’s very nervous.” Marion should totally do Monday Night Football. “Oh, Al, I don’t like the looks of this play. He’s very intimidating, that player. Hello! He should have passed the ball. No one ever ever EVER listens to me!”
Meanwhile, the self-victimization of the Weavers continued as Linda complained, “I am a prisoner on a bus.” Listen, it’s not like you’re on a charter to hell. Lighten up. Enjoy yourself. Oh, poor Mrs. Weaver. She’s a bit nutty and over-religious for my tastes, but I do enjoy her resolve and determination to keep her family together. With that being said, seriously, be quiet and let these people get some sleep. “They’re absolute puddles,” sneered David Aiello. Wow, you talk to your mother with that mouth?
Later, the bus took a pit stop at a Waffle House, and the Weavers continued to lose their shit as they cried in the bathroom. Linda told her kids to buck up and just fake happiness, which meant we then watched the Weaver women dancing and acting goofy in the parking lot. I think it was supposed to be HILARious, but it was kind of dumb. Besides, once they hit the road again, they picked up where they left off: complaining about not knowing where they were headed to. And to make matters worse, they even began singing about the situation too. I’ll sing a song for them. I believe it’s called The Sound of SILENCE.
The official dance of short shorts.
We then went back to Alabama where the Godlewskis had just finished the Roadblock. “That was so cool you guys!” they yelled, except it sounded more like “gayuys!” Dammmit, I wish there were a better way to convey insane midwestern accents. Well, the Pink Ladies arrived in fourth place, behind the Schroeders, who nabbed third. Meanwhile, the second bus arrived, and as teams drove to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center, we saw Linda poring over a map, quietly imploring, “Dear Lord, please give us the wisdom.” At which point Jesus said, “Seriously, you have a map. What else can I give you?”
I guess the Weavers got some divine help because they managed to snag the next spot on the Roadblock queue while their arch-nemeses, the Aiellos, grabbed the last spot. I gotta say, as cool as it was to watch Phil in the centrifuge, this was sort of a lame Roadblock, especially since the mandatory ordering really dictated the final placements of the teams. Nevertheless, the Weavers made it through the challenge next and quickly found the AOL computer. “You’ve got mail!” announced the AOL guy, causing Linda to literally reply, “Oh, thank you lord.” Okay, c’mon. Do you need to thank god for receiving email too? I suppose a pious person will thank god for everything, but this was a bit much. Nevertheless, the Weavers snagged fifth place, and when they arrived, Phil basically asked them why they had been so grumpy before. Linda retracted her complaints, saying their spirits were up now that they were safe for another round. And you know what? They deserved to be happy. Seriously. With their luck, I’m surprised one of those rockets didn’t spontaneously fall over on top of them.
The Paolos finished the Roadblock next, but as usual, they managed to get lost almost immediately. The biggest shocker, however, was that the douchebag son actually gave Marion some positive reinforcement: “You’re doing good, Mom. You’re doing very good.” Looks like that centrifuge may have messed with their heads. Meanwhile, the Gaghans were also lost, but that didn’t mean they weren’t hustling. Poor Billy couldn’t keep up. Apparently he didn’t have WHEELS!! WHEELS!!! “Look at Carissa going!” his parents said, clearly forging a wonderful sibling rivalry. To be fair, even though Carissa had her WHEELS WHEELS WHEELS going at full speed, she wasn’t carrying any bags. Still, way to let down the fam, Billy.
At the computer, the Marion made a humble request: “Read it slow so we can understand it.” “Mom, it’s a video,” replied the son. Honestly, when I write that interaction, it doesn’t seem that remarkable. But on screen, it was like amazing. I’m totally buying my Sim Marion a nicer TV.
Well, as the show drew to a close, the producers tried to create some suspense as to who would be arriving last. To be fair, the Gaghans had caught up to the Paolos, but the Aiellos were still far behind, so either way, we knew both teams would be fine. The Paolos checked in sixth with an enjoyably botched routine that started with Marion declaring “Lift off!” and then the son echoing with a “Lift off, Phil!” You know they totally planned that all out, but Dad and the other son chickened out at the last second. That’s okay though because the dad made up for it by nearly tackling Phil to the ground yet again. And yes, Marion had yet another gem: “Don’t hug him, he’s full of shrimp!” No, YOU’RE full of shrimp! See? I used the new tagline from before. By the way, from now on, every time I write “YOU’RE full of shrimp!”, imagine a sitcom laugh track going nuts.
At first Phil doesn’t like the shrimp hug…
But then he LOVES it! Yay shrimp!
Unsurprisingly, the Gaghans took seventh place, which meant that yes, the Aiellos were eliminated. That’s okay though. They weren’t anything special. That David guy was cool, just because he hated things so much — especially the Weavers — but aside from Tony’s funky hats, I could take ‘em or leave ‘em. Good luck, Aiellos, and enjoy your new place amongst the Boston subset of reality stars.
What did you think about this episode? Is there hope for this season? Were you sad to see the Aiellos go? And what do you think about the Weavers? Am I nuts for loving Marion Paolo so much?
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73 Comments
Watching the episode, I knew exactly what you were going to make fun of, SBD, hysterical! I personally can’t stand the Paolo family, their Italian bickering drives me nuts. And that damn Godlewski accent, it hurts my ears. Such trauma the show puts the Weavers in next week, I feel an emotional breakdown coming on.
B-side, I am so glad that you recapped the GravityPhilâžÂ¢ moment for us all!! I haven’t laughed that hard since the last Chris Rock special! Phil is turning into a real comic tour-de-force in this series.
WTF is with those WackyWeaversâžÂ¢? I think its pretty obvious that they have not come to terms with their tragic loss. But, I guess its what Jesus wanted them to do. Why else would they have signed up for the race?
Does anyone else get the vibe that some of the kids on some of the teams (i.e. Hunter, Rolly, and maybe one or two others) don’t really want to be in the race? It’s kind of like they were told “It’s a family decision to race, and that’s final!”. Or maybe they’ve realized that this race edition sucks (kids have a knack for knowing what sucks and what’s cool).
I think that the free gas at BP (shameless plug) was probably the best prize ever given on reality TV.
One more thing, how many limo/car service/van drivers do you know that will turn over their cell phones like they did on the way to DullestâžÂ¢ Airport? I believe the correct response to “Driver, can I borrow your cell phone to make some calls” would be “NO”. And probably followed up with “get your own f*ckin phone, you loser”.
“Marion should totally do Monday Night Football.” I would totally watch that!!! Could you imagine her wiping those lines off the screen that that they use to show the plays that have been run. “Don’t write on the TV screen! I can’t see through all your graffiti!” She would be the best PA host ever!! We’ll mostly aggressive.
3G_Phil, actually the correct response would have been something yelled in another language. I have never once had a native english speaker driving to Dulles.
The one thing I did notice… that one family left from Middleburg VA to Dulles at like 2 something in the morning. The flights didn’t get in until 10am. in those 8 hours, you can probably drive to Charleston. In 8 hours time from Middleburg, I can get to NE Georgia.
I hate those race-equalizing moments in the game where other peoples’ leads are wiped out. Why not just let them sleep in a little longer? sheesh. Middleburg to Dulles is like a 25 minute drive. Oh yeah, TV Drama.
“But still, CBS, never do Family Edition again…”
I think this was my favorite quote from this week’s summary. Hopefully someone up there will listen (and I’m not talking about the Weaver’s up there either) and we will never have to suffer through this again.
The mud challenge was pretty neat, I finally realized the reason the Gaghans did so well is because their jeep was so much lighter than any of the other jeeps.
I’m sure the Godlewskis and the Paolos will linger on like a bad smell for far too long (I can do fart mentions too!) just to keep the ratings up because you know there will be so many viewers watching to make sure those awful Paolos or those loud Godlewskis are gone that week.
Is it Tuesday yet?
Wow, don’t look like I missed much. Sounds like it would have been more exciting if one of the Weavers were actually run over by the bus they were riding in.
GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!!!!
They didn’t show the plane diagram because the nose of the plane would be in Charleston while the tail was still at Dulles.
Call me crazy, but I like the Gaghans. Might be a Suburban Hartford pride thing, but I do.
Imagine the Weavers on a real TAR? They were flipping over an 8 hour comfortable bus trip through Georgia. I want to see them on one of those 20 hour trainrides from hell across Bangladesh – with all those non-Christians!
This whole game is fixed more than we ever thought. The SoHo parking, the DC parking, and this episode, the 2nd plane ticket taker told the Aiellos, “This is the 2nd plane.” Meaning, they were fully aware that the Independence plane would sell tix to only 4 teams and that it they knew the score. And you also know that CBS made sure the first plane landed first, etc.
TAR:FE sucks ass.
I was a bit bummed to see the Aiello’s go, I like the father-in-law, and at least they don’t shreik. And especially given the set-up of this race, following up one of those equalizing things with the roadblock that determined the order of finishing just in showing up (would’ve made a HELL of a lot more sense to have something like that before the equalizer).
And yeah, sg-dub, I was just about to say that. Someone put those whining Weavers on a very long, hot, crowded train ride in India.
hehehehehe, that screencap of Phil is AWESOME.
OK…help me here. Everybody left the pit stop around 2:00 in the morning. The flights from Dulles got in to Charleston around 10:00am. Then everybody ran around for what was no doubt a few hours doing the muddy shrimp detour. Then they all got on a bus and traveled 8 hours to Huntsville, AL. When they got there, it was dark. Factoring in the fact that this was taped in the summer, that means it was like 11:00 at night.
Is it just me or is Space Camp open 24 hours? I was fully expecting to have them all sleeping on the ground until the place reopened in the morning. but NOOOOOOOO…they had the place open especially for TAR:FE. Not fair!
I would love to see TAR:FE send the families to a couple of ghetto’s where they would have to do something for the poor people like they do in the regular TAR show.
I can imagine the conservative Linz family spewing racial slurs & christian Weavers bitching up a storm if they had to visit the projects of Detroit or backwood shacks of Mississippi.
I only hope they didn’t miss this great opportunity this season.
I kept thinking at the centrifuge that we’d have a breakdown. I bet the producers thought so, too. (Where’s Adam of Adam and Rebecca when you need him to freak out about a task?) I think what’s been lacking this season (with the Weaver buggy fiasco as the exception) is any genuine fear from the contestants. They get the clue, they do the task, they move on. Granted, finding a spy with a briefcase is not a fear-inducing roadblock, but the mud or the shrimp or the centrifuge all could have had more drama if the contestants themselves had brought any to the table.
Instead, we replace that drama with crying on the bus.
TAR is still my favorite show, but I wonder if the challenges will get any more challenging.
GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!!!
sg-dub, you are right…this show sucks ass BIG TIME…I quit watching because it made me want to rip my eyes out and my ears off, but I’ll still read the recaps cause I love you guys and I can find out if Phil does anything amazing like become “GravityPhil”.
It’s time to start campaigning for TAR All-Stars !!! CBS owes us after this debacle.
And can anyone explain why they need a chaffeur to drive them to Dullz [sic] aiport?! That’s bulls**t, man.
Hm, I still think the Weavers were being a bit sneaky in the airport though. I mean what is there to learn? Ah, reminds me of one of my favourite TAR moments. When Rob tried to mess with the other teams by dropping hints he found an earlier flight, which prompted them to actually find an earlier flight, *sigh* those were the days.
The Huntsville part of the show was too easy. Everything was determined by the number they got for the centrifuge, which means that the only part of the leg that mattered was which bus they were on followed by how quickly they drove just a few miles down I-565 to the Space Center.
nce they had their numbers for the centrifuge, all they had to do was walk to the rocket, then go in the museum, then walk to the shuttle. The rocket is on one side of the museum, and the shuttle is on the other. The rocket sticks up a few hundred feet, so finding it was not hard. The shuttle isn’t as tall, but they had to pass it to drive in, so they all should have remembered where it was. Basically, then, unless one team outran another between the rocket, the museum, and the shuttle, there was no chance of the order changing from the order in which they did the centrifuge. And given that even the slower teams didn’t get passed by another team, I am assuming that the centrifuge took just long enough to insure that everyone finished the leg in exactly the order in which they did the roadblock.
I officially hate “family edition” now, too. This episode was the boringest yet, even w/o the silly patriotic stuff.
I do love Marion Paolo, though. I kind of wish they would make a Furby version of her, that you have to feed and coddle, or else she explodes with outburts of typical Marionisms. I would totally buy one.
I’m seeing a glimmer of hope for this show now that the kids from different families are becoming friends and being obnoxious and teenaged at a higher level than they could if they just looked to brothers or sisters to join them in humiliating and irritating their parents.
Seriously, this is the most I’ve ever laughed out loud at a recap- and I’ve read hundreds. The photos and captions alone are still giving me the giggles.
I’m routing for the Linz family, I go for that juvenile humor. But I have to say, my faith in the integrity and fairness of this game was ruined after last season – Romber was robbed, plain and simple. That whole ‘plane coming back to the gate’ thing smelled fishy – or shrimpy, as it were.
Im from Charleston, and I gotta say they missed out on some Ghetto Drama. The easiest route to walk from the Harbor where the shrimp boats are to the visitors center goes through one NAS-TEE part of town. When they said tams had to walk that my husband and I were all “kickass! someones gonna mug the weavers!”. Imagine our dissapointment…
B-Side-
You had me cracking up with your Sims references–especially the comments about the obsessive plate stuff.
Great Recap B-Side. I’m now relying on you to let me know what happens on this show. I’ll keep reading the recaps, because they are funny and interesting, unlike this edition of TAR. This episode was it for me. I’d personally like to thank the good people at CBS for giving “My Name Is Earl” and “The Office” a fighting chance in the ratings. When I saw that these shows were up against TAR I figured they were doomed. Little did I know that the programming geniuses decided to take a multiple emmy winner and completely screw it up. It reminds me of the “Seinfeld” episode where Jason Alexander tells George Wendt from “Cheers” – “You should change the setting … enough with the bar already.” (or words to that effect)
I hope CBS gets bitch smacked in the ratings and learns their lesson. Ditch the kids, leave the country – Give us back The Amazing Race we enjoy.
Once again . . . Hey Amazing Race : Family Edition YOU SUCK!
Next season:
The Amazing Race All Stars: “The State Department Travel Warning Edition”
Past favorites of the Amazing Race travel to exciting destinations like: Pakistan, Albania, Iraq, Kosovo, etc. This would make up for this family crap.
And yes, Billy Gaghan is a robot
you realize that your compulsion to pick up plates also resulted in your wife cheating on you with sam from down the road.
wow, this show is REALLY BORING and i was sad i didnt even get a screen map on the IAD-CLT flight!
luckily your recaps are able to transform this DULLes show into gold, GOLD JERRY!
Next Time on TAR…
We send a family that lost their father at a Motor Speedway to another Motor Speedway!!
No matter how much I dislike the Weavers, that’s just not cool.
To Mama Weaver:
Get those kids out of the race and into some grief counseling! WWJD Mama?
thank you so much tomswift! i said the samething when mama weaver had her girls in the restroom telling them to hide their grief! please let these girls mourn their loss! and let your son have a male friend!! i am a girl and i know i won’t be able to travel all overt the place with those 3 women!
Did you check out the package on GravityPhilâžÂ¢? Full of shrimp indeed!
I don’t think mama weaver was telling them to hide their “grief” but rather stop whining so loudly about all the shit they went through that day. I gotta hand it to the Weavers though, they perform pretty well for all their Jesus love and short shorts. I’m a total fan of the crazy disorganized family that makes all the wrong choices and then still comes out ok.
Well it’s official for me now – this is a HORRIBLE season of TAR! This week the race was pretty much over when they got to the space station. They had to pick numbers for the g force thing – then CHECK THEIR E-MAIL (wow – what a challenge!) and then go on foot to the finish line. Gee – how exciting.
I know there are kids involved so they can’t make things AS nutty – but they could do more than they are doing.
I am only going to continue to watch because I’ve seen every Amazing Race episode since the very start and I don’t want to miss one but most of all because I enjoy watching and then reading these recaps. Thanks for doing such a good job with them. Or if you’re a Weaver thank you Jesus for doing such a good job with them.
Holy hating on the accents, Batman!
Okay, I’ve officially had my first TVgasm Proper.
“Sad follow-up: my Sim child had failing grades and since I was too busy becoming an astronaut and trying to pick plates up off the floor, my child was sadly shipped off to military school, never to be seen again. Also, an unfortunate accident with a poorly placed barbecue and some hedges resulted in a fiery death for my wife. I tried to call the fire department, but dammit if my automatic compulsion to pick up plates didn’t stop me.”
*tears in my eyes*
*snot rocketing from nose*
*pear chunks dribbling on chin*
*keyboard completely a mess*
OMG. My Sims demise is the goddamn plates, too! HA!!!
Someone needs to tell Mama Weaver and her disciples that Jesus did not complain when he took the hike to his death luggin’ a big ol’ cross, so they shouldn’t bitch about riding a cushy Trailways bus.
great recap! I know you didn’t want to mention the preview for next week, but that alone will have me tuning in. I bet Walder and the girls are REALLY enjoying that free gas prize now!
TAR season 1 will start tonight on GSN (9pm est)!! So, hopefully this should help us cope with dealing with this crap.
They air every night (7 days a week).
I know what your thinking and No, I don’t work for GSN.
Something has bothered me about the GravityPhilâžÂ¢ picture. If your under 3g’s, then why the seat belt?
I don’t get all the hating on the weavers. They are no more annoying than anyone else. damn did the Aiello boy hate them though. See all that negativity got him booted.
Too funny that only at NASA where a screw cost a million dollars can they have a closed circuit TV without a clear picture. Guess the government really is cutting back.
Seriously, best reality prize EVER..free gas for life.
I hated the roadblock. What is the point if no one can pass anyone else up? Plus I like the Aiello’s. The Paolo’s are completely useless, but at least they are entertaining.
Go Angels! (nice cheap win last night Chi-town)
I kept thinking that this HAD to be a nonelimination round, because there was no way they would rig it like that– The first bus automatically moves on and then the people on the second bus picked numbers. Some challenge!
It had all the excitement of going to the bakery, except for the fresh baked goods.
For cryin out loud “Best Friend/Step-Mama Schroder” allow Hunter to make a friend! Geez are you really that insecure that you blow a gasket because the kid’s making friends with the “enemy?” Rolly’s probably just as bored as Hunter; probably drug along for the ride, too.
I almost stopped watching my beloved TAR cos the FE sucked so much, but, reading your comments on the show keeps me watching now.
“HE’S FULL OF SHRIMP!”
I agree that sending the Weavers, annoying as they are, to Talladega is cruel. I don’t think the show should cow to each team’s particular sensitivities, but this family was cast as the “still grieving, still adjusting” family. Clearly the show wants drama and emotion, but they are doing it in a cheap way that is beneath TAR.
Finally glad to see TAR go somewhere we haven’t been. The first couple episodes were within an hour of our house in PA or our friends in VA, then they go to Charleston (been there, done the Battery), but finally got to Alabama. Never done that.
As the Weavers were breaking down in the Waffle House, Mom is telling them to be fake and lie. We were wondering – Is that WWJD?
My kids also hit on the theory that the Gaghans had less weight in the car and zoomed through the mud pit.
Also thought it was strange that Rocket Camp was open at 1AM.
Wonder if BP would have been as generous AFTER Katrina/Rita. This was all filmed before. That was one awesome prize.
I assume all the locations are picked before the families – I can’t believe they’d pick a family like the Weavers, knowing Talladega was in their future, unless the family OK’d it. There is enough other stuff rigged here, Bertram HAD to warn them about it…
Yeah, TAR-FE isn’t as good as the regular version, but it didn’t go as far as The Mole (My fave) when it went to the Celebrity version – that really bit the big one…
The free gas is better than winning the whole race. The final prize is 1 million, after taxes, around 500,000. Split it four ways, 125,000 each. The gas for life is more than that per person.
Gas for just one year if you fill up twice a week on average with a 16 gallon tank would be $5,574.40. ($3.35 a gallon, California prices, and if you are getting free gas, you will get the good stuff). Lets say on average it will be for 50 years, that is $278,720. Plus, because each year they are getting less than 10,000 in free money, they will not have to pay taxes. That is not even factoring in that the price will go up.
OMG – I miss the Mole! Thanks for the reminder Dave. Best lines so far – silent, but deadly (I really thought I missed something – like who farted?) and mom weaver telling her kids to lie and fake it. WWJDWT???? (What Will Jesus Do With Them) Hey – he’s sending them on an all expense paid trip to TALLADEGA! What a disappointment when the Gagging family made it to the pit stop – PLEASE – maybe those kids will get run …….. oh, never mind. And to my SECOND fav writer – sg-dub – yes, you are crazy (but still loved!)
The Gwreavers are going to a race track next TAR:FE?
I have to tune in for that. God is really trying to send them a message. Were they on the tracks and are there speeding cars?
GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!!
a win is a win. Angels sucks Sox’.
Worst…..TAR…..EVER!
Having watched the reruns of TAR 7 on GSN, I realized just how much this season of TAR sucks! After ten minutes, I was actually bored and flipped over to “My Name is Earl,” which in my book constitutes a mortal sin. Thanks B-Side for the only enjoyable thing about this season, spicy recaps.
Is anyone else getting the shakes from coming down of the crack high which was Big Brother???
Good numbers on the gas, Carol. However, I’m sure there are caveats to the deal.
Each person is probably limited to a certain reasonable amount of gas each week. (Say: $30/week). This would prevent them from buying for others.
So, eventually, with rising gas prices and inflation, that would be almost worthless in 50 years…
eDub (#47) You are probably right about capping how much gas they can purchase. BP makes $15 Billion in profits by NOT making careless mistakes.
Willintherace (#46) Watching TAR:FE is like going cold turkey.
Gagin jeep weighed about 480 lbs. (Dad~200; Mom~140; Billy~80; Dakota~60). And I am probably high.
Aiello Jeep weighed about 860 lbs. (assume each guy weighed 215 lbs.) And I am probably low balling it.
Plus, Mom and Dad were in the front seats, which centered the weight between the front/back wheels. The kids weight is negligible The Aiello jeep’s weight was centered over the rear wheel since two heavy guys were in the back seats. They never had a chance. And I bet they only finished it by redistributing the weight around when they changed drivers.
B-
From those of us TIVOing “Earl” and “Office” and not watching TAR:FE – thanks for your re-caps!! It’s like watching TV, only in my mind!
You’re full of shrimp!
I hate the Gag-me’s. Can’t you see they’re Stepford family. Obviously the little girl is BAGGAGE (with obvious high self esteem! I prefer the fear and loathing of the Paolis. They are the team I’m rooting for, should I keep watching. This is the worst TAR of all. TAR 8 makes make me miss Meredith and Gretchen.(Something I never thought I’d think). Leave the country for God’s sake. (sorry Weaver’s) TAR FE is the worst.
STOP with the Sims references B-side… please! You have me laughing so hard I think I might have broken a rib. (Must get more calcium in diet) I never liked that game after my grill burned the wife, and three neighbors up to.
This episode was tolerable. TAR stepped it up a smidge but .. still very lame.
Those Ghagging kids are too annoying. That robotic boy belts out “I am doing this challenge!” Before the parents can even get the clue read. Every time.
I was disapointed to see the Aiellos leave. They were by far my favorite team.
I did some looking on the net, the free gas for life is not as great as it appears. There was another company that did this a while back, they simply gave the family 250,000 (before taxes) because that is what they figured would cover the gas for the rest of their life. 250,000 is a large sum, but after taxes, 125,000. And you can only spend it on gas, but every year you get taxed for it without it earning interest. Another company did it so that you could only fill up once a week and only in your home state.
Congrats CBS! You’ve managed to knock TAR out of the top 20 in the Nielsen ratings. You managed to take an Emmy-winning, ratings juggernaut and knock into second in its timeslot with this FE master stroke. (My Name is Earl is now ranked 1st on Tuesday night and tied for 19th overall for the week) I know that the ninth season is going back to two person teams – applications ended in late July – but fire someone’s ass and take your medicine. Don’t make lame excuses like that umpire in last night Angels/White Sox game did. Admit you were wrong and never, ever try this family version again!
B-Side, I too LOOOOOOOVE MARION PAOLO!!! I don’t know what it is about the two of us, but you and me tend to love the same people from each season! Crazy isn’t it? P.S. All you loathers of this season, hang in there. After next week’s episode, they leave the country! (Sorry if that was a spoiler.)
Even though I swore off TAR FE… I watched enough to get a taste… Can’t believe no one else has mentioned how canned the final Mud Run for the Aiello’s was… suddenly they went from driving in 3 or 4 feet of mud, to driving on the side, in a shallow layer of mud… and yeah, the centrifuge thing was so completely LAME… no skill, no daring, no endurance, no brains, no strength… just take a ride, in turn, and go… STUPID!!! I’m sure the tasks and places were worked out before the woeful Weavers were chosen… just rotten luck… agreed they are racing fairly well… but that doesn’t mean they should have volunteered to be on a show like this, when grieving and serious counseling is what is called for… but yeah…would be fun to see them or any of these plastic middle Americans negotiating a foreign culture and train ride.
Let me guess…they go to Canada! Real challenging, eh?
Most boring TAR evar. What a snorefest. Your recap was much more fun.
And I can’t stand the Weavers. Every time they screw up, my husband does his Edward G. Robinson bit: “Where’s ya Messiah now, see?”
Which means he says it a LOT!
I sort of like the robot kids, though. It’s not their fault CBS decided to be such weenies in compromising what was once such an awesome show.
I’ve always thought that the editors of TAR could make anything exciting, but it looks like they’ve met their match in FE. What a snorefest (except for Marion)! I’m skipping the rest and reading the recaps for the remainder. Wake me next season.
No time to read the comments-sorry if it’s been posted but
1 love Strassi Weaver-she reminds me of Janelle of BB6
2 You can totally see Phil’s package in the 3g pic. You made my week, B-Side
Hey, did anybody think Phil was a tad pissy with those holier than thou Weavers when they arrived at the mat? It seemed like it was almost edited. And then having Mother Teresa, oops I mean Mamma Weaver say they were not perfect and if you don’t like us FUCK YOU!, which is freely translated from “We aren’t going to change for you.”
Or perhaps Phil was a tad testy after his package went through 3gs and he thought there might be some lasting damage….whaddaya think?
I didn’t think was quite pissy, but I think the fact that he brought up the whole prisoner remark was his little way of saying RESPECT.
LOVE that you quoted the “In case you hadn’t noticed…” line. I love Phil! I feel like they told him to talk about being pushed down and he thought it was so moronic that he came up with that line on his own.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving Marion….she’s seriously my new idol, I wanna be her when I’m older!
Can’t wait for the Weaver breakdown next week….seriously, who plans things these legs? Especially since I’m sure they knew who the contestants were and their backgrounds before the finalized plans.
I would love to win free gas for life. I calculated that for me assuming the $250/mo I currently spend for 50 years would cost me $150,000. A great prize! Better than splitting $20k four ways.
I am glad to see different teams getting first place and each one winning a prize (so unlike the days of Romber).
Pissy or not pissy, I was glad Mr. Phil told Mamma Weaver and clan their actions and remarks
SUCKED
Wade, nice blog – very funny. Love the “right purdy mouth” comment about the Weaver boy (?)….during the first episode I thought it was the Weaver ‘butch’ girl! But then, Jebus wouldn’t allow THAT!
B-side and the Blog gang (or as I like to refer to ya’ll as the ‘blo gang’). I watched the pilot episode of TAR season 1 last night and holy crap was it good! I knew that TAR:FE sucked, but god damned does it REALLY suck now. I highly recommend that you get to see TAR:1 (either on GSN or buy/rent the DVD set). It will help hold you over until the next race edition starts.
P.S. I already love Kevin and Drew (in a strictly non-gay way, not that there’s anything wrong with that though). Also loved the bungee Jump of DeathâžÂ¢ in South Africa. Best part of the show: No god references.
The brunette Weaver looks so much like Amy from Paradise Hotel.
Stassi is a Schroder, she annoys me. The Weavers are like Rebecca or Rachel or something.
I was sorry to see the Aiellos go. I liked them and I thought it was kind of cool that the FIL wanted to bond with his SILs.
The Paolos crack me up. I think Marion is entertaining-I love her little comments on everything. But I would love to give the older son a swift kick in the pants for talking to his mom the way he does most of the time. I was watching Seinfeld last night and realized that the Paolos remind me of the Castanzas The bickering, the comments, etc. I’m waiting for the Paolo dad to yell “Serenity now!”.
As for the Weavers, I go back and forth with them. I truly feel bad for them losing their dad/husband so tragically. I’m a pretty religious person, but the constant praying is getting on my nerves. I also thought that they recovered awfully quick from the meltdowns that they were having on the bus and at Waffle House. Just in time to jump right into a Roadblock, it just seemed a little fishy to me.
B-this is my first time to post, but you do awesome recaps. I find myself watching the episodes and thinking “I can’t wait to see what B-side writes about this!”
Oh man… Family Edition really pales in comparison to the regular seasons. There’s no action! Everyone is nice to each other, and the detours and roadblocks are played down. Whatever happened to the days of Rob and Amber? Teams would push and shove to get into a cab, and you would have challenges like jumping off bridges and scaling walls in Iceland, not building dollhouses in Amish country. People were manipulative and sneaky. But now that we’ve got children in the race, everything is just PG. It sucks, really. I wish someone would scratch someone’s eyes out or something! The only thing that’s saving this season is the Paolo family. They are absolutely my favourite team, along with the Linzs. The Paolos remind me so much of the Gottis (Growing Up Gotti, if you’ve ever seen it). I HATE the Gaghan family. Can’t wait till their out, I’m looking forward to Billy’s reaction. He’s just one of those kids who annoys the hell out of me.
I’m so excited for next week’s episode! And even more excited for the hilarious recap!
Wow, that leg was horribly planned. There was no chance for the teams to change position once they got on the bus. The gravity thing and the walk to the fucking pit stop took the same amount of everytime for everyone. If I recall, the order people got off the bus was basically the order they finished the race in.
What a retarded episoded. And I don’t even blame the fact that it’s family edition or that the setting is only the USA — the planning of that leg just sucked ass.
ROTFLMAO, volcat!! I loved your comparing the Paolos to the Costanzas especially the “Serenity Now” shouting! Now I’ll be watching for that–too funny! Mama Paolo IS a lot like Mrs. Costanza too, except she doesn’t have flaming orange hair. hee hee
My barbeque grill was too close to a hedge as well. What made mine worse was that I used the grill for my first-ever neighborhood party and my whole neighborhood died. I had to quit the game without saving it so that I would have some SIMS to keep playing
This was the most poorly planned leg of any TAR EVER.