It’s All About the Right Accent

Four teams left. By the end of this episode, it will be three. But before we get to the recap, anyone else think that Phil is getting some action on the Race?

The BQ’s are the first to leave at 2:15am. They’re looking freshly made up and styled, and I realize how unfair it is that they can make their hair and make up look better while nearing the end of The Race than I can while well-rested with an entire apartment of beauty products at my disposal. Unfair.
Their clue tells them to fly to the island of Guam, then drive themselves nine miles to a US Air Force Base. There they’ll pick a military escort to drive them to an air traffic control tower, which they’ll climb to find their next clue.

Way to make it hard for the All-Stars, Show. Send them from a British colony to a Portuguese colony to a US territory. Then send them, on that territory, to a US military base where they don’t even have to drive themselves. Chances of communication problems: Zero. Chances of getting lost: Zero. Chances of annoying me: 100%.

Before they take off to take the Turbo Jet to the airport, the BQ’s tell us: “This is kind of do or die for us – you win or go home. We’ve gone home before and we know what that feels like and we didn’t like it.”

This just in from the BQ’s: Winning is better than losing. Take a moment to think about that, because it’ll blow your mind.

The BQ’s get tickets to the ferry that leaves at 3am. Meanwhile, Mirna and Shmirna get their clue at 2:50am. They rush to get to the ferry, but the lines are long and they settle for the 4am ferry.

Eric and Danielle leave at 3:06am. They get tickets for the 4am ferry too. Then Eric wonders if the BQ’s are already at the airport getting their flights. Mirna says “I don’t know. Charla said they don’t know how to use the internet.” I nominate Mirna for Most Awesome Blonde Joke Ever. Take a cue from Mirna – laugh, laugh, laugh, even if your joke doesn’t have a punchline and doesn’t make sense!

Cha Cha Cha finally gets their clue at 4:37am. Which makes me mad. Remember last week, when they made it look like Cha Cha Cha was pulling up just as Eric and Dani’s thirty minute penalty was ending? And the show made it look like if Cha Cha Cha just ran fast enough, they’d check in before the end of the penalty. Yeah, well, that was a big lie, because there’s a big ol’ two hour time difference.

In your face, Show, I’m paying attention.

Oswald tells us that karma “was a bitch on the last leg of the Race, and we got slapped hard for it. But we’ve asked for forgiveness and we hope that things will go our way.” Reason Cha Cha Cha came in last: Karma. Totally unrelated reason: Wandering around Macau lost for two hours and sticking with a totally clueless taxi driver.

Team CrazyPants is in a taxi on the way to the airport, and we get some real insight into Mirna’s crazy accents. Mirna starts asking the driver if he has a cell phone, by saying in her most awesome accented English: “You have cell phone? Call airport. Information. How you say airport?” To which the driver responds “Airport.” You know, because they’re in Hong Kong, where they speak English.

But then Mirna repeats it back to him, in a weird robot voice, and as if “airport” is a totally confusing and foreign word to her. She then says “You have to try to do the right accent. It makes all the difference in the world.” Ah, that’s what makes all the difference in the word! Speaking to the locals in your native accent. And by native accent, I mean the dialect of The Kingdom of Coocoo.

The BQ’s get to the airport, while Mirna uses something called a “cell phone” to call a place called the “airport.” They both discover that there is a 9:05am flight through Tokyo that arrives in Guam at 9:50pm.

We end up with the BQ’s, Team CrazyPants and Eric and Danielle all in line at the airport. After a really weird exchange where the BQ’s tell Eric that he looks buff in his white shirt, everyone gets on the 9:05 flight.

Oh, and Eric really does look buff. In a “Hey, how much can you lift?” sort of way.

Cha Cha Cha finally arrives, with just five minutes to spare before the flight closes. They race through the airport while the other teams board the plane. But despite all the running, the flight is closed and Cha Cha Cha can’t get on. Damn that karma for keeping them off the flight! However, they’re able to book another flight that will still get them onto the connecting flight to Guam that lands with everyone else at 9:50. Yay, karma, for finding them another flight!

Cha Cha Cha manages to make their connection and get on the flight to Guam, much to the delight of all the other teams. Especially Eric and Dani, who talk about how much they hate Danny and Oswald and want them to get eliminated. Which seems like misplaced anger, when you consider that the BQ’s are really responsible for both of their yields.

Also, we should warn Eric and Dani that hating is bad for your karma. Any team that hates other teams is sure to have karma eliminate them. Fact: Karma hates hating.

The plane takes off with all four teams on it. They land in Guam and we have the typical Amazing Race race for the cars. Cha Cha Cha get to the car first and is the first to arrive at the base, where they discover that they must wait until the next morning to meet up with their escort.

At 7am, all the teams rush out to find their escort and hop into the cars and drive to the tower. The BQ’s are the first team to the top, where they find a Detour clue. The teams must choose between Care Package – filling up a box with 500 pounds of supplies and then boarding a cargo plane and experience “an official Air Force training exercise” – or Engine Care – scouring clean a B-52 bomber.

The BQ’s, Eric and Dani and Cha Cha Cha all decide to do Engine Care, while Team CrazyPants picks the Care Package. Shmirna explains that they chose it because they “like to help people who are in need.” Which would be nice, except that this is a training exercise. So what they’re really doing is helping no one, wasting goods that someone might actually need, and creating a carbon footprint the size of Bigfoot by using a huge cargo plane for no real purpose. Take that, Al Gore!

The three teams get started washing the planes, and it’s hard, hot, wet work. If they weren’t wearing protective gear, we could distract ourselves with images of BQ’s in wet t-shirts. But since everyone is wearing big yellow rain coats and whining about how hard the task is, it’s really no fun to watch.

But you know what is fun? Watching Mirna yell at Shmirna for not running fast enough. Everyone knows that Shmirna isn’t slower because she’s a little person with an actual physical disadvantage, she’s just slow to spite Mirna!

They get to the boxes and Mirna start throwing stuff willy nilly into the boxes. The military guy supervising asks them to “Put it in with some degree of love, okay?” (“That’s what she said!”), and then asks them not to throw stuff in like it’s garbage. Mirna agrees, and then continues to throw stuff in like it’s garbage.

And I’m not saying that they aren’t taking part in an important humanitarian mission (but they’re not), but if they were, are garden hoses really important humanitarian goods? Is the main problem of needy, isolated people poorly watered lawns?

The folks over at the planes are still cleaning and complaining that the military people are being too picky about getting the planes clean. And the BQ’s discover that their looks can’t help them everywhere – “He was all about business. We weren’t getting anywhere with a smile. We had to scrub.”

Note to TVgasm readers: Life is very different if you’re a beauty queen.

Mirna and Shmirna go up with their boxes. For some reason, they put the plane into a nose dive so the girls can experience zero gs.

You know, like they do in all relief missions. Think of how much faster we could be out of Iraq if only the pilots would stop doing tricks.

They drop the boxes, although they don’t show us where. I can’t help but wonder if those boxes ever land on someone’s head. And then the exercise is complete and they turn around to go back to the base. Mirna glances at her watch and tells the guys on the plane that they’re in a rush. Apparently the military and their stupid planes and stupid landings are totally messing up her schedule. How rude!

Meanwhile, the BQ’s are finally done with washing the plane and get their clue, which tells them to drive themselves to the Naval Base and meet up with a naval escort who will drive them to the next clue. Eric and Dani get their clue shortly after. And then Cha Cha Cha.

Everyone races to get to the next clue. Mirna stops to ask for directions, explaining that it’s a “matter of life and death.” Apparently confusing the definitely of “life and death”, with the definition for “something I really want.” Meanwhile, Cha Cha Cha has managed to get hopelessly lost – again. They find a taxi company and hire a guy to lead them to the base.

The BQ’s are the first to the naval base and the clue. It’s a Roadblock, where one team member must use a GPS devise to navigate through the jungle to find a military officer who will then reprogram the GPS. They’ll then find their way to a landing site where they must call a helicopter to pick them up.

Dustin gets geared up and out on the course. She says that the task is kind of like finding her Easter basket. Easters at Dustin’s house were very different than Easters at my house. Also, there will not be a chocolate bunny when she finds the pilot.

Eric and Dani are next to arrive. Dani has to do the task, because Eric has done all of his roadblocks. This is a bummer for Eric, because Dani doesn’t know how to read a compass.

Team CrazyPants is the next to arrive and Shmirna is put in charge of the roadblock. Mirna sends her off with a reminder not to press any buttons on the GPS. Shmirna tells her escort: “In this hot, beaming sun, it’s not that easy. You guys have a tough job. No wonder there’s all those military discounts.” Ah, yes, the hot sun is exactly why they get discounts, also enjoyed by lifeguards and Bedouins everywhere.

Dani gets really lost and wonders around in what appears to be circles. She gets close to the pilot but doesn’t see him sitting in the weeds. But at least she’s doing better than Shmirna. Shmirna’s escort tells her about 20 times that she shouldn’t touch the GPS buttons. And then she touches the buttons. And he tells her again. And she does it again.

Dustin finds her pilot and tells him “I’m here to save you.” He reprograms her GPS and she makes it to the landing zone with little drama, and calls the helicopter. The chopper comes, picks her up and brings her back to Kandace. The next clue tells them to drive eleven miles to Fort Soledad to the next Pit Stop.

Meanwhile, Dani is lost again. Shmirna’s escort is still telling her not to touch the buttons on her GPS. And Cha Cha Cha finally arrives. Oswald suits up and walks out with his GPS. And remember when the BQ was running with her GPS? Well, Oswald sort of strolls. Let’s all yell at the TV together, so perhaps I screams will bend the time-space continuum and get to Oswald: “It’s called A RACE because you’re supposed to be RACING!!! Run! Run! Run!!”

The BQ’s make it to the Pit Stop, apparently stopping to do their hair and make-up along the way (and why wouldn’t they?). Phil gives them his famous PhilBrow and checks them in as Team #1, the first team in the Final Three.

Back at the Roadblock, Dani is still whining, Shmirna is still lost, and Oswald is standing right in front of his pilot but can’t see him through all the vegetation. Shmirna sets off through the grass, hoping she doesn’t step on a landmine, apparently confusing Guam with Cambodia (it’s easy to do). She then climbs back out through the grass, now hoping that there is no poison ivy, apparently now confusing Guam with a suburban backyard. Then she complains that no one in Guam cuts their grass, apparently forgetting that they didn’t drop a lawnmower in their care package.

Shmirna makes to the solider and gets her clue. She sets off for the landing zone, but not before wiping out again.

Finally the soldier that Oswald is looking for stands up so Oz can find him. Which means that Oswald must have been looking for a really, really long time. Or that the soldier is kind of a jerk.

Because when he stands up, he sips from a water bottle and gives like a look like “Loser, how could you not have found me? !”

Dani finds the landing zone and calls for pick-up. Shmirna reaches the landing zone just before Oswald. And when Oswald sees Shmirna all geared up, he says “Oh my God, the teletubbies go to war.” Which is both funny and mean. But mainly funny.

Shmirna lands first and Team CrazyPants takes off. Oswald lands next, and in the car they worry that they’ll be the last team to check in. And here’s where the show starts to do their tricky editing. They try to make us think that both Eric and Dani and Team CrazyPants are lost. They want us to believe that there is hope for Cha Cha Cha

But Eric and Dani arrive and check in as Team #2. And then after a jaunty running camera, which is supposed to make us wonder who on earth could be checking in third, Team CrazyPants arrives at the mat.

And last, but not least in my heart, Cha Cha Cha arrives, and Phil eliminates them.

They say that they want Mirna and Shmirna to win the Race, because they’re a “class act.” And maybe in Cuba, a “class act” means something totally different than it does her.

They then have some sweet moments talking about their friendship. Danny says that “I will have Oswald in my life always. He’ll be pushing my wheelchair as I’m going into the home. The gay nursing home that I’m going to open up.” And it’s cute and sweet, and I love them.

And that’s the end of Cha Cha Cha. I miss them already. And it means that there is a two-thirds chance that I will be really angry this coming Sunday. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.