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Amazing Race

By B-Side | Saturday, November 26, 2005 | 5:07 pm | 63 Comments

everyonelikesusIt’s gettin’ down to the wire on The Amazing Race: Family Edition, and with only four teams left and something like thirty-four episode before the finale, it looks like we’ll be facing quite a few non-eliminations. Okay, to be fair, we only have three more weeks before this most regrettable of seasons wraps up, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the producers throw in one of those sneaky non non-elimination rounds. You know what I’m talking about: the teams show up at the mat only to discover THE LEG ISN’T OVER! To be continued! Oh well, no use trying to predict what may or may not happen. For now, we might as well look back on this week’s installment, which would have been quite good had the final outcome not been so predictable (or disappointing). The crazy Weaver family was in full hypocritical effect, which always makes things entertaining. As much as I hate them, without their cheery dunderheadedness, I don’t know what we’d do.The episode began with the Godlewskis racing out of the Pitstop first. Their destination: Monument Valley, Utah. Whoohooo! More America! Okay, okay, I’ll drop it. No use complaining over what’s already done. Anyway, the Godlewskis hopped into a little boat where Chrissy yelled, “C’mon!!! DIG IN!!!”

“Chrissy, relax!” replied an annoyed Michelle. Oh, don’t be such a hater, Meeshy. Why can’t you “dig in” when you lower yourself one foot into the boat. C’MON! DO IT!!!

Of course, any avid viewer of this team would know that Michelle and her sisters — especially Sharon — love to treat poor Christine like a mangy dog hunting for table scraps. “Going into the race, I thought we were all going to be able to like talk and discuss and get to know each other more personally,” said a naive Chrissy. “Was I maybe fooling myself? Possibly.” Face it, Christine. You only did the race for the free backpack.

Anyway, let’s hear what the evil stepsisters have to say about Cinderella. “Chris just talks everyday,” complained Sharon.

“I think she has a quota of words that have to come out of her mouth. It’s just like SHUT UP!” bemoaned Michelle. Wow, a goofy chatterbox named Chrissy? Why, I never!

chrissy

Well, the Linzes left the Pitstop second, but because they really didn’t have anything fascinating to say, we’ll just move onto team #3: God’s flavorite bunch of daffy devotees, the Weavers. Commence self-aggrandizing… NOW!

“The world we live in is obviously not loving and kind; so I think we’re just sticking out because we’re not as like crude,” explained eldest dimwit daughter Rebecca. So apparently throwing garbage at another team does not count as crude. (Maybe it’s more rude than crude.) Nevertheless, Linda reiterated her daughter’s point, saying, “It’s just so against our beliefs just to keep being treated so rudely.” I wonder, does anyone actually believe in being treated rudely? Well, as a family sensitive to the way they are received, I’m sure the Weavers will in turn act in a manner that represents their values and beliefs. The higher road, if you will. What’s that old Christian tenet? Love thy neighbor as thyself?

Next out the gate were the Bransens — the lovable, sweet, perky, yet boring Bransens. For this leg of the race, they informed us that they’d be more aggressive. Hmmm… for some reason, when I think of WalDER, “aggressive” isn’t the first word that jumps into my mind. He’s less Road Runner and more that dog that says “Oh Davey…”

Anyway, the top three teams eventually made their way to Monument Valley, and all three managed to zip right by the turn-off. Now, normally a U-Turn wouldn’t be that exciting, but for this leg of the race, the producers had attached giant campers to the SUVs, which meant the simple act of making a right turn took on a whole new level of chaos. But then again, if Paris Hilton could commandeer an Airstream trailer on The SImple Life 2, I’d like to think these families could handle their unwieldy campers. Nevertheless, the Weavers and Linzes turned their vehicles around with a minimal amount of drama (and praying to Jesus). The Godlewskis, on the other hand, had a good amount of difficulty, thanks to the fearless but inept leadership of Chrissy who managed to make our ears bleed all over again as she yelled, “Go SLOW! Crank it hard!! Okay, STAAAAAAPPPP!!!”

Well, this delay allowed for the Weavers to pass the Godlewskis, causing the Chrissy to yell, “OH! THEY’RE COMING, YOU GUYS!!!” Of course, mere text does not do justice to Chrissy’s nails-on-chalkboard voice, but let’s just say that three champagne glasses in the TVgasm offices simultaneously shattered. Meanwhile, as the Weavers passed by the opposition, Rolly sneered at Chrissy and derisively told him family, “See that little Desperate Housewife?” But seriously, they don’t believe in being rude.

Eventually, everyone arrived at the next cluebox which directed two members of each team to take a helicopter ride up to the top of a butte. However, only two teams could ride at a time, and therefore, families had to pick a number, first come first serve style. Well, even though they arrived second, the Linzes dawdled and wound up with the third number, which meant they’d have to wait for the Godlewskis and Weavers to go up and back. That’s okay. Nothing really important happened here anyway. The only significant thing to come out of this whole butte diversion was that the Godlewskis and Linzes reiterated that if there were a Yield ahead, whoever arrived first would use it on the Weavers.

Moving onwards and upwards, teams then had to race to Moab Utah and find Gemini Bridges, which were some more lovely rocky outcroppings. All these landscapes have been truly beautiful, but I have to say, this show is steadily turning into The Amazing Race: Canyon Edition. Nevertheless, the Weavers got to work backing their trailer out of the parking lot, and for a brief moment, a certain amount of dread befell me. After all, this was the Weavers we were talking about, a.k.a. the most unlucky family EVER when it comes to things with wheels (Carissa Gaghan excluded). Would the Weavers accidentally back into a tractor trailer? Or would they simply roll off into a canyon? Neither, actually. Jesus guided the family through the process, and the Weavers made it out of the parking lot alive and well.

As happy as the Weavers were to be on the road again, it was nothing compared to hyperactive Tommy Linz who began banging the side of the car and making unintelligible noises in excitement. “Bone, we’re gonna get you a helmet,” his brother said. I really don’t have anything funny to say about that. I just really like the Linzes.

tommybone
Tommy “Bone” Linz

Later, on the open road, the Weaver family displayed some of that loving, tolerant, and optimistic charm that’s made all their fellow Christians proud, I’m sure. “I am not digging Utah right now,” Rebecca complained. She was echoed by sister Rachel who noted, “Whoever says the world is getting overpopulated should come to Utah.” And now Rolly for the hat trick: “It’s like hundred of thousands of miles of nothing at all. God must have spent a little less time on this state.” Yes, it’s the trifecta of obnoxious ignorance! Yay!

Now, to be fair, everyone’s entitled to not like a state, even make barbs about it. And honestly, had the Linzes said the exact same thing, chances are we wouldn’t be making a stink about it. But when a family puts itself on a moral pedestal and says that they just don’t know why people are treating them so rudely — with the implication being that they never would act rudely to anyone else — then they’re gonna get a whole lotta shit from a whole lotta people.

Luckily, the Weavers spent so much time bashing Utah that they forgot to step on the gas, and so the Linzes overtook the “Weaver-butts,” and in a flurry of Wizard of Oz references, ultimately wished a house would fall on top of Linda. Well, if the house has wheels, it’s a very distinct possibility. Meanwhile, our old friends the Bransens pondered what would be in store for them next in Moab. The girls were crossing their fingers for something risky or adventurous. As for Wally, he’d probably be happiest if the task involved controlling a model train set or something. “I could go for something tranquil and, uh, boring,” he said. Really?? I never would have thought that! Oh WalDER!

Over in the Godlewski caravan, Chrissy piped up and asked, “Isn’t it easier navigating in the U.S.?” Yeah, and that’s why this season SUCKS!

Anyway, the teams arrived at Gemini Bridges where they found the Detour: drop down or ride down. Basically, it was a choice between rappelling down a cliff or trekking for six miles with a dirt bike. The Linzes opted to rappel, and as young Tommy scaled down the cliff, Nick told us, “If we lose a teammate, it’s gonna be him. We’ll turn around and do the bikes.” He then let out his hearty, maniacal laugh, which has become a welcome tradition in recent episodes of the race. The Linzes are the bestest.

Meanwhile, as the Weavers approached the Detour, we paused briefly to get a quick geography lesson. “I haven’t even heard one thing about Utah,” said an educationally impaired Rachel.

“I have. Mormons live here,” Linda pointed out, as if it were some big crazy secret.

“For real?” asked an incredulous Rachel.

“Utah is the Mormon state,” Linda reiterated.

“No wonder!” Rachel said. You learn something new every day! Or, well, I guess if you’re the Weavers, it’s more like every month. Two months maybe. Well, the fam arrived and opted to go biking, which meant a whole new set of whining complaints. “I don’t think Lance Armstrong could make it through this,” moaned one of the daughters. Yes, I’m sure Lance Armstrong could never tackle those six semi-rugged miles of flat terrain. I mean, he’s not a robot!

Arriving third at the Detour were the Bransens, and even though Wally wanted to go biking, his daughters were chomping at the bit for some hardcore rappelling action. “I have a fear of heights,” he explained, “but they really want the experience, and I want them to have the experience.” Awww. WalDER! Such a good dad.

The Linzes finished the task first and were told to hit up the Green River State Park for the night. The departure time the next morning would depend on the order they’d arrive. Meanwhile, down in the base of Gemini Bridges, the Weavers languished on their bicycles. “I HATE UTAH! I hate it with a passion!” screamed Rebecca. After all, it is the state’s fault that she can’t ride a bike.

“If anyone says ‘I’m from Utah,’ I’m gonna say, ‘I’m sooo sorry,’” Rachel added. Why, that’s not rude at all! In similar news, when I meet someone who’s a Weaver relative, I too will say “I’m sooo sorry.”

Showing up at the Detour last were the Godlewskis, and hey, weren’t they in second place? How did that happen? Suddenly we heard the booming, disembodied voice of Phil as he gravely announced, “Due to a production error involving the camera equipment, the Godlewski’s car battery was drained. A replacement vehicle was provided, but they have fallen into last place.” Way to go, CAMERA! Nevertheless, the Godlewskis attacked the Detour with sheer, ear-piercing determination, which meant we got to see Christine Godlewski fall on her ass as she attempted to rappel down the cliff. Oh wait! This is the moment that CBS has promo’d all week! What will happen? Will this be the end of the Godlewskis?

chrissy_cliff
Oh my Gaaadlewski!

Actually no. Sharon said some disparaging things about her sister and then the family completed the task without incident. Oh. You know, if there’s anything I’ve learned, almost every single Amazing Race commercial hypes up a big nothing. I think the only exception to the rule was when a) Greg and Brian’s jeep flipped over last season, and b) when the metal gate bonked Freddy on the head in season 6. God, that was amazing.

Later that night, while the Linzes played paddle ball outside their camper, the Weavers huddled inside and complained about how no one speaks to them. “We’re not gonna be rude,” Rachel reiterated, adding, “We’re just gonna keep saying disparaging things about other people and place and then victimize ourselves by blaming external factors, like the state of Utah.”

The next morning, the Linzes headed out of the park first and learned they’d have to go to Heber city and find “Bart.” Turns out Bart was a bear. That’s right, it was none other than the famous Bart the Bear — who I believe was the star of the film, uh, The Bear. Actually, scratch that. I just checked Bart’s IMDb page (yes, a bear has an IMDb page), and Bart was not only the star of The Bear, but also Legends of the Fall and The Edge. Sadly though, he died five years ago. Sorry Bart! Turns out this Bart that we now saw adorably toting a yellow clue in his mouth was actually Bart 2.0, whose film career has included the significantly less venerable Without a Paddle and Dr. Doolittle 2. You know, just change the bear’s name. No need to sully Bart The First’s rep with these crappy flicks. If you’re gonna replace Bart, just go drastically different. It’s like bringing in Cindy Snow when what you really need is Terri Alden. Sorry, I’m still on my Three’s Company kick.

jenileeharrisonpriscillabarnes

Anyway, I just spent far too much time seeking out those screenshots, so I’ll just move on. As the Linzes drove up to Heber City, they passed by a wondrous waterfall, causing all the siblings to stare in awe. As for the Weavers, well, let’s just say their appreciation for all of God’s creations seems to be limited strictly to hot pants. “That’s so ugly,” Rolly said, pointing at the landscape. “Looks like a little pimple in the mountains.” You’re a little pimple in the mountains! Hmm, I gotta work on my comebacks.

As teams approached Bart, we learned that they wouldn’t be able to run or yell on the property. I guess that means they’ll have to bind and gag Chrissy, lest she become the unfortunate victim of an ursine attack. Meanwhile, the Linzes managed to get lost, so they pulled over to ask directions from a lady, but as it turns out, “That’s a dude.” Well, they got back on track, met Bart, and then learned they’d be heading to Olympic Park in Park City. Oh, and one more thing: CAUTION! YIELD AHEAD!! Now, the whole episode, the producers had been really playing up the fact that the Linzes were prone to making stupid mistakes. With the Weavers right on their asses, would they be able to reach the Yield first? Or would some dumb snafu ruin the whole thing? For the first time in ages, this show suddenly became truly exciting. If the Weavers didn’t get Yielded, I didn’t know what I would do.

Speaking of the Weavers, they passed the Linzes on the road and in a HILARious move, all the girls ducked. You know, so the Linzes couldn’t see them. Because that would be super funny! So take THAT, Linzes! That’ll teach you not to… look over at their car… and, um, expect to see people in the back seat. YEAH! Actually, in the cruelest of ironies, the Linz family didn’t even notice. Like oh my god! The best gag was totally wasted! Thanks, JESUS!

Moments later, the Weavers arrived at the Bart house, and even though teams were not supposed to run or yell, that didn’t stop dumb Rebecca from honking her horn in the driveway. Luckily, Bart was having the best time ever carrying around that stupid clue; so he hardly seemed fazed by the blaring horn. That’s okay though. Even if he had attacked the Weavers, we knew the only way he could have done damage would have been if he were somehow turned into a bear-car.

bartbear

After receiving their clue, the Weavers then set off to Park City, but unlike the Linzes, they opted to take route 92 instead of 40. According to Rachel, it was a more direct route. Unfortunately, the Weavers didn’t seem to notice that the sign for 92 featured that quaint “Scenic Route” graphic, and before long, they were trapped on a long and winding road. That didn’t stop Rolly though from yelling at a random biker, “You wish you were Lance Armstrong!” Yes, like Rebecca said, they won’t be rude.

The good news was that the Weavers were screwed. The bad news was that the excitement was therefore dampened as the Linzes easily arrived at the Yield first. Sure enough, the Cincinnati wonderboys (featuring super sister Megan) Yielded the Weavers, and then it was time for the big Roadblock. Basically, someone on the team had to do a ski jump. Cool. Sort of. Hey, remember when Roadblocks used to require some basic level of skill? It’s really not as thrilling when a teammate just has to get up and do something, like ride in a centrifuge or a jet plane.

nicklinzwetsuit
For the ladies…

Well, this was a pretty easy Roadblock, but that didn’t stop Nick Linz from making a fool of himself as he tried to do a fancy flip off the jump, only to belly flop into the water. Afterwards, his team received the next clue, which was to find the Pit Stop atop a library in Salt Lake City.

bellyflop

faceplant

Meanwhile, the Bransens showed up next, and as cutie Lindsay perched atop the ski jump, one of the ski jumpers yelled out, “If you live, let’s go out!” Funny, I always use that line, and it never works!

Anyway, Lindsay did just fine and was followed by Chrissy Godlewski, who managed to go splat in the water. But as usual, her perky gung-ho attitude overpowered any burn her entire body may have been feeling. “Let’s hope it’s elimination,” one of the Godlewski sisters said as they headed off safely in third place. Of course, by virtue of her saying that, we all knew it most definitely would not be elimination. I mean, the producers only show an obvious last place team if there’s going to be a non-elimination round. Unless… maybe that’s what they want us to think! And maybe it will be elimination after all. But then again, if the final episode (which I imagine is two hours) airs on December 13th, there’s no way the producers are going to stretch out the final three teams over essentially four more episodes. Blast!

Of course, the Weavers didn’t have the benefit of a TVguide to help them deduce that they’d be safe; so instead they resorted to their old standby strategy: complaining. “This is so stupid… this is such a waste of time,” they moaned. You know, there are a lot of families that would have loved to have gone on this show, so enough with the defeatist attitude. SHUT UP!

And as if on cue, here came the martyrdom: “We’re already the last nice family, and then we’re gone,” said Rachel. And proving just how nice her family was, she then added, “The people who win will probably spend it on a new nose and bigger boobs.” Well, if the Weavers win, I just hope they put a portion of their winnings towards getting mom a decent haircut.

Eventually, Linda finally stepped up and told her kids to just relax and enjoy themselves, and later, after having procured ice cream and various value meals from McDonalds, everyone seemed to be in chipper moods (except McDonalds which probably wasn’t so thrilled to have this family be their new unintentional mascots). At the route marker, the Weavers discovered they’d been Yielded, causing Linda to snip, “Those idiots!” It wasn’t clear if she was referring to the other teams or just the nifty Weaver family portrait on the Yield sign. Probably the former though.

With nothing else to do, the clan sat down to nosh on their fast food, at which point Linda remarked, “I don’t get it. Most people like us. I’ve never been in a situation where we’ve been unliked [sic., of course] in my life!” Well, congratulations Linda. Now you know what it feels like to be “unliked”… by ALL OF AMERICA!

Over at the Pit Stop, the Linzes arrived first and were greeted not only by Phil, but by the one and only Miss Latin Utah. “Miss Latin Utah! Even better!” said one of the Linz boys, thus proving once again that Everybody Loves A Spicy Latina!

Well, Phil told the Linz family that they were team number one. He then slapped on his comedian hat and said, “No prizes. JUST KIDDING!” Oh, that Phil! Such a pistol! But he wasn’t done! After describing the trip the kids had won, Phil joked, “in addition to that Tommy, we’ve got a beautiful woman here for you.” Whoa. Did he just pimp out Miss Latin Utah? Maybe we should give him an all green suit with a little hat. PimpPhil!

pimpphil

Anyway, the Bransens showed up second and were followed by the Godlewskis, and of course, bringing up the rear were the Weavers who arrived in full whiny splendor. “I just want to be eliminated,” said one. “I do too,” said another. “I really do too,” said a third. Listen guys, we could not agree more.

Unsurprisingly, Phil announced that this was a non-elimination leg, causing the Weavers to celebrate with a blasé “Yay.” Sounds like it’s time for PimpPhil to go back to his PhilSchtick: “That is the most unenthusiastic reaction to a non-elimination in the history of The Amazing Race,” he joked. To be fair, Phil was really hoping for a top hat and can rat-a-tat-tat tap dance routine.

weaverslast

Well, it didn’t take long for the Weavers to move into victimization mode. “Nobody likes us anymore, Phil,” Rolly said. This was followed by Linda who commented, “We love the race, but I don’t know if I’m up for the personal stuff.” Oh, poor, delicate Linda. When those cruel barbarians attack her with mild insults (which are often the reaction to various Weaver insults and attacks), she just can’t go on! She just trying to lead an upright Christian life!

Not to fear, though. Dr. Phil gave them a pep talk, and as the hour came to a close, the Weavers had renewed strength and vigor. They could go all the way, they predicted. Lord help us all.

What did you think about this episode? And more importantly, what do you think about the Weavers?

About

63 Comments

  1. 1
    Lizardqueen
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 5:55 pm

    All I could think was “Could somebody please get Linda Weaver a fucking hairbrush?” That mop is out of control. And God, do I need to mention the unfortunate shorts again? What’s up with the yields in non-elimination rounds? It’s as dumb as the “produce the secret immunity idol BEFORE the voting” nonsense. Oh yeah, the Butthole family (let’s just be frank) will leave an hour later in dirty clothes, with bad breath. Big deal. These people are insane. Utah is so incredibly beautiful. I can’t imagine some moron looking out the window and complaining about the scenery. It boggles the mind. I like my Jesus freaks to be a little more nature oriented.
    Wally was hoping for something tranquil and boring. I thought he was going to ask for a dry martini with an onion, like my grandmother. The rapelling was definitely easier than the biking. Of course only ONE team chose the biking. I think it was the same brain donor team that chose scenic route 92.
    I loved that Nick Linz attempted the flip. I would expect nothing less. Love Tommy’s “special” screenshot, by the way. It’s so nice that he’s integrated into the mainstream.
    I would have loved to hear Phil tell them “Weaver family. You are the last team to arrive. But, this is a non-elimination round. However, why don’t you just pack it in. Give up now. Tomorrow will be much worse.” That’s my kinda pep talk.

  2. 2
    Lizardqueen
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 5:58 pm

    Egads! Did I write the word love enough for that mediocre episode?
    Note to self:proofread, no more pitchers of Grey Goose cosmos, increase sleep to greater than 3 hours a night

  3. 3
    go linz boyz
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 6:10 pm

    love your reviews b side I think u r awesome…the fat weaver daughter driving the car and saying she’d be really pissed if it wasn’t for her big mac…with those giant ”the biggest loser” qualifying legs that we sadly had to see first hand when riding those” bet lance armstrong couldn’t do this” bicycles… on this terrible season of amzing race…yield has simply meant non elimination…too bad the bear did not eat the weaver fat girls ala ”grizzly man” great movie..I will take any of the linz boys home for the holidays!!

  4. 4
    mountain girl
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 6:33 pm

    Thanks for the eye candy. Those Linz boys are yummy!

    Let’s hope that they continue making their way north and the Weavers have to travel Canada in hot pants and tank tops.

  5. 5
    Lisa
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 7:53 pm

    My thoughts on the Weaver family?
    Well.. hate isn’t a strong enough word.
    There is nothing worse than hypocrites and they’re about as bad as you can get.
    All they’ve done this entire time is bitch and moan and it’s making me sick.
    Why the hell did you sign up for the show you ungrateful pieces of shit if all you’re going to do is complain about every god damn thing!!!
    I can’t stand them and I really hope they go next episode.. if not I’m gonna be super PO’d.

  6. 6
    belinda
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 8:01 pm

    OMG Lizardqueen and Lisa and, of course B-Side – you are so funny! I was so sorry to see the Paolos – oh Marion, I miss ya – go and my extreme dislike for the Weavers grows every week. OK, it’s hate! LQ – why can’t someone get Linda a fucking hairbrush??? I can’t stop laughing. I am so hoping they DO NOT go any further……will…be…sick…..if…..they….do.

  7. 7
    J-Unit
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 8:17 pm

    The Weaver Family is perhaps the only reason why this season is worth watching. Their gross hypocrisy and the warped view that they see their own existence makes them the perfect enemies. Personally, I want to see them win because it might be the first time the other contestants boo the winners on the mat. Not even Freddy and Kendra had that distinction. Now those two really sucked.

  8. 8
    M
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 9:15 pm

    Note to self: no eating or drinking ANYTHING near the laptop when reading b-sides recaps of TAR. I don’t have $3k for a new Powerbook, and I keep spraying various beverages out my nose when I read the recaps because I’m laughing so hard.

    I’ve learned my lesson :) All the beverages are at a safe distance.

    I wish that when Phil heard the Weavers lackluster “Yay, we’re not elinimated”, he had just said ” You know what, 3 of the 4 of you want to go, so quit. See ya.” THAT would have been some good TV.

  9. 9
    cat-rod
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 9:24 pm

    This whole season really bores me…I just have the TV on for company and just don’t care that much. While I enjoy looking at the Linz guys, the family as a whole and especially the HATEFUL sister are particularly ugly people that I would not like to know. Give the Weavers a break – the dad is dead and they’re doing the best they can. Yeah, I can’t believe they were dissing the scenery in Utah either, but what do you expect? I just don’t like this season and that’s a shame.

  10. 10
    anon
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 9:42 pm

    one more thing that proves how idiotic the weavers are…they knew they were last and yet they didn’t ‘prepare’ for it to be a non-elimination round by putting on all their clothing. I too hope that they end up somewhere cold in their hot pants!

  11. 11
    Bart the Bear
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 9:58 pm

    When the Oh My Gad-lewskis got delayed due to CBS’s camera problems, why were they not given some sort of time allowance for CBS’s screw up?
    Gotta give the Linz boy props for not totally slamming the Weavers when he yielded them, instead stating politely why they were being yielded. Shows you who the geniune people are, in contrast to those that claim to be morally superior.
    How disappointing that the self righteous clan was not eliminated! Since they didn’t bother to put all their clothes on before the mat, we are now subjected to another week of those grotesque shorts. When Phil told them “Did you know that some racers have come all the way from last place to finish first?”, my immediate thought was “Did you also know we stopped a plane so Joyce and Uchenna could get on and not let Romber win the last Race?” If those fockers at CBS fix this so the Religous Right family wins, I will be entirely disgusted.

  12. 12
    shandez
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 10:04 pm

    You forgot when Linda said that ice cream “re-vigorates and in-juvinates you” when you are sad.

    Nuff said.

  13. 13
    B-Side
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 10:06 pm

    Shandez, I guess I spent so much time “unliking” her that I overlooked that.

  14. 14
    PDX Hobbit
    Posted November 26, 2005 at 11:08 pm

    As usual B-side you rock, and this time you caught each of the classic Weaverisms that make them so fun to hate. Calling them on their “you wish you were Lance Armstrong” comment – that’s just plain mean-spirited. Shame on them. Shame on Linda for not being a good mother and calling her kids on behavior like that.

    J-unit, I loved the image of the Weavers haveing everyone boo them as they cross the finish line – except the part about them crossing the finish line…

  15. 15
    joyfulchicken
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 12:19 am

    Was I just imagining things, or did one of the Weaver kids actually say “No wonder it’s so ugly!” after her mom told her that Utah is the Mormon state?

  16. 16
    TWilliams
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 12:28 am

    Something tells me that the Weaver clan wouldn’t act so “defeated” and “unliked” if they somehow finished in first place. Regardless of their placement, none of the remaining teams like them and they would still be “the only nice team left.” So this simply shows that not only are the Weavers hypocrites and self-righteous, they are sore losers as well.

    Oh how they disgust me. If the Weavers comeback and win this season – this season will suck even more. My time has already been wasted — so please don’t make that waste of time be even more wasted (if that makes any sense at all).

  17. 17
    Helenann
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 12:37 am

    My husband rarely gets into tv shows and doesn’t read this site (unless I forward a funny comment on to him). But when he saw the episode he told me about the whole Lance Armstrong thing… and he said,”I bet they cover that comment on tvgasm!”
    Love PhilPimp, and I totally wondered how long it took you to find those 2 Threes Company references, and laughed out loud when I scrolled past them and read your confession about taking too much time…GREAT RECAP

  18. 18
    Vinny
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 12:40 am

    I keep flashing back to all the nasty choice words they laid on the Paolo family (about them looking retarded, posing in front of a garbage truck, etc) and then Mom Weaver telling D that she was nice to them.

    Blech.

    Then the waterworks at both race tracks. I just can’t take them anymore. Period.

    Maybe the race will finish in Harlem and the winner will have to avoid getting shot.

    And they’ll lose.

  19. 19
    Double L
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 12:42 am

    #14 Bart The Bear: “Did you also know we stopped a plane so Joyce and Uchenna could get on and not let Romber win the last Race?”

    Uh, you do realize that Rob asked the American Airline clerk to *LIE* to Uchenna and Joyce about there being no flights at the time. When Uchenna and Joyce arrived at the gate, they met the same clerk and yelled at her for lying to them. She called the pilot to return and pick them up at the gate. Since American Airlines was a sponsor of the show, it wouldn’t be nice to show American Airlines as the airline that LIES to you. Secondly, Romber had a plane stop for them in Argentina…

    http://www.realitytvworld.com/index/articles/story.php?s=3519

  20. 20
    GregnNYC
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 7:06 am

    Did you ever compare the first shot you used of Linda Weaver’s face with the next shot of Crissy from 3′s Company?

    Also, I think Crazy Bitch Margaret from Trading Spouses should be on the next Amazing Race Edition: Journey to the Dorkside.

  21. 21
    TripleThreat
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 7:07 am

    No Joyful (#15) you weren’t imagining things, they said it. Wonderful Christian like thing to say eh, bagging on other people’s religion, ha!

    And you know… I thought the Weavers were fun to make fun of and laugh at until they dissed my state, now we mean business!

  22. 22
    holyterror
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 7:23 am

    Cat-Rod (#9): Having a dead father doesn’t make them any more bearable, and you earn kindness by giving kindness.

    Does anyone know what the “CRAVE” with the backwards “E” on Rolly’s shirt means? I hope it’s some heavy metal band that sacrifices bunnies onstage.

    I liked Linda telling the Linzes they had “wasted their yield.” I would have replied that it was worth it just to annoy her.

  23. 23
    holyterror
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 7:39 am

    P.S. B-Side: That’s “CHAMPING at the bit,” though I guess they may chomp it in the process.

  24. 24
    Coconutphone
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 7:51 am

    “Where the kisses are hers, and hers and his…” Thanks for geting that in my head B-Side :)

    Fantastic recap as always (especially the confession of spending too much time looking for the screencaps).

    I’m looking forward to the media tour the Weavers get to do after the show. Should be ALMOST as ugly as the reception the Friendhsip got after BB6. Merry Christmas to me :)

  25. 25
    mac
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 8:09 am

    Just when I thought I couldn’t hate the Weavers any more than I already did, they go to Monument Valley, Utah—someplace I’ve wanted to go my entire life. They take in all of God’s wonderful majesty and proclaim it “ugly”. This holier-than-God Himself MUST GO! ! NOWWWWWWWWWW! ! !

    I would love to know what the Weavers think now, now that they’re back home. Cause you know those Weaver girls are just conceited enough to google themselves to see how much support they have. I just hope they’re reading TVgasm on a regular basis. If they are, and if, GOD FORBID, they actually win this damned thing, I hope they take their winnings and all four of them go and get personality/brain transplants. Please Heavenly Father, Amen.

  26. 26
    Michelle
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 8:44 am

    Mother Weaver looks like she wakes up to a fifth of something on a regular basis. I was dumb enough to get excited about them leaving. I kept thinking, “They just had a non-elimination leg; they can’t possibly have another one so soon.” I’ll never learn. Maybe I should try some of that “Jesus Candy” myself. Excellent recap as usual! Even though I saw the episode, it’s much more entertaining reading your recap, but you knew that, didn’t you?

  27. 27
    jIM
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 9:59 am

    I wish Jeff Probst would have taken over for this episode so he could have verbally berated them,exposed them for the fucking vapid morons they are,and then told them to get out of his sight.He’s THAT testy this season so who knows? My favorite is the screen shot of the cliff and chrissy,luckily the arrow denotes where she might have fallen..and it made coffee come up through my nose.thanks for making this season watchable.

  28. 28
    Karen
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 10:36 am

    holyterror (#27) Rolly probably got the shirt free when he bought this game:

    http://www.cravegames.com/games/biblegame/index.html

  29. 29
    chick110
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 11:16 am

    THANK you for the gratuitous shot of yummy Nick Linz in the wet suit. That truly made my day!

    I’m sorry you had to write so many explanations about why you are Weaver-dissin’ in this recap, it is VERY obvious to me how ludicrous they are preaching their religion while badmouthing and throwing trash at their fellow racers.

    While this hasn’t been my favorite TAR, I’m still going to miss coming in here for the recaps once it’s over.

  30. 30
    chick110
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 11:19 am

    Oops!!! I forgot to mention how funny the pic of PimpPhil was!! Thankfully, no beverages were around that I could decorate my keyboard with…

  31. 31
    holyterror
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 12:00 pm

    Thanks, Karen — the game looks like a fucking drag, much like The Weavers. I love that they call it a “party game” and “hearty fun” — let’s invite all our sanctimonious friends over to reenact Bible stories!!! I’ll make some pitchers of margaritas!

  32. 32
    holyterror
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 12:02 pm

    If Linda told me that most people like her, I’d ask her to name two.

    (Crickets …)

  33. 33
    TinkerbellAPixie TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 2:11 pm

    Great recap – the ONLY thing missing was the trademark under the new PimpPhil.

  34. 34
    drew
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 3:21 pm

    Much like Family Trading Spaces, this season could easily ruin Amazing Race forever. This season is so boring, so uninteresting and so against everything this show is supposed to stand for (ugly Americans in foreign lands, old people showing they’ve still got ‘it’ and childless couples nearly coming to blows instead of just realizing that the ‘man’ in the relationship is clearly gay) that I’m not sure if I can ever get behind this show ever again…

  35. 35
    Kate
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 3:30 pm

    Hey, at least now the Weaver girls’ outfits will finally come in handy. Guys will be THROWING money at them! Though I’m sure it’ll mostly be singles….

  36. 36
    TinkerbellAPixie TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 3:36 pm

    Of course, they’ll be paying them to go away.. lol

  37. 37
    Bobbie
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 3:44 pm

    #31 holyterror–I think you’d better make that a pitcher of marymagdalenas–gotta keep the happy juice away from the blessed, ya know.

  38. 38
    Dana
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 4:06 pm

    Very funny recap B-side. Little Rolly did the best ski-jump though. I was pissed that this wasn’t an elimaination round, but the Weavers will not win this race. They bitch too much to get it together.

  39. 39
    anon
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 4:11 pm

    I think it would be so AWESOME if NO one would give the Weavers money to continue on and they got to sit on the side of the road crying and not be able to finish the leg of the race!

  40. 40
    Lizardqueen
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 5:39 pm

    I wondered what the scoop was on Rolly’s shirt. I won’t even get into the scoop on his name (“Well we should prolly name him Rolly.” WTF?) Linda’s shirt gave me pause as well. She was sporting a Jesus monogram all episode. I swore her shirt said “Christ” over the left bosom. I was not at all surprised and even thought some snarky little tidbits. It was too bad when I realized it actually said “Chris”. Whoops!
    Note to Linda: As a fellow white chick with an afro, I have one word for you- PONYTAIL

  41. 41
    ATCmurph
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 7:54 pm

    You just know that if those Weaver girls win the money they’re going straight for boob jobs, the little hypocrites.

  42. 42
    Sammy
    Posted November 27, 2005 at 9:37 pm

    Perhaps CBS will sponsor some sort of Dr. Phil help session for the Weavers. As much as I don’t like the Dr.or the Weavers, I think it would be the highlight of the season.

  43. 43
    holyterror
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 12:11 am

    Sammy, I’d rather see them on Judge Judy for throwing the garbage. She’d rip them all a new hole.

  44. 44
    megan
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 6:54 am

    Thank you kindly to BSide for the Nick Linz screen shots. I knew you wouldn’t let us ladies down.

    I see some more reality television in his future.

  45. 45
    RealityTV4Me
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 7:19 am

    I would like to think that Rolly got his shirt from here instead:

    http://www.webmistress.org/crave/

  46. 46
    LB
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 7:56 am

    Pimp Phil!
    You slay me!
    Great recap!
    The Weavers have got to GO!

  47. 47
    September
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 8:38 am

    B-Side- as always…BRILLIANT. I nearly wet my pants when I read: “…ultimately wished a house would fall on top of Linda. Well, if the house has wheels, it’s a very distinct possibility.” Where do you come up with it B-Side? Absolutely BRILLIANT! Also, THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH for the Nick Linz screen shot. Again, almost wet my pants (in a different way).

  48. 48
    ha!
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 9:57 am

    Loved the screen cap of Chrissy with her feeties in the air. Those almost look like high heeled sneakers she’s wearing. Yum-o!

    And that poor, late, great Bart the Bear the First: always getting typecast as ‘The Bear’. I’m surprised more Ursine Americans don’t protest.

    And speaking of ‘bear’ Americans – did you find any other screencaps of Jennilee and Priscilla? :)

    ha!

  49. 49
    Jack Tripper
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 9:57 am

    The Weaver Family = Dead dad =
    Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter = John Ritter = Three’s Company

    Scary connections!!!

  50. 50
    Peanut
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 11:54 am

    Wouldn’t it be most fabulous if the Weavers had to do a fast forward like Uchenna and Joyce’s from last season and SHAVE THEIR HEADS????? That would either fix all of Linda’s hair problems but make her whole head look even scarier. And those bratty little snots would never do it.

    Half naked Linz boys….yum yum.

  51. 51
    T
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 12:34 pm

    I’m surprised that no one noticed that when they were talking about the Wicked Witch of the west- they zoomed in on Ma Weaver…loved that!

  52. 52
    Pamsey
    Posted November 28, 2005 at 1:49 pm

    Excellent recap as usual, but the picture of Nick Linz was icing on the cake! Thank you!
    Could the Gaaaadlewski’s be any meaner to Chris?

  53. 53
    georgiababe
    Posted November 29, 2005 at 6:22 pm

    Forgive me for sounding like the Weavers, but OH MY LORD!! I was so happy that the Linz family (my fave team) were FINALLY in first AND that the Weavers were FINALLY going to be eliminated….or so I thought. When Phil said they weren’t my heart dropped and I said “You’ve got to be f’ing kidding me.” I would have paid big money to hear Phil tell them to go home. But yuck, they’re still here. Lousy hypocrites. I am so sick of them. In fact, I compiled “The Weaver Commandments” just especially for them. Here they are:
    1)Thou shalt not continue Jebus-pestering.
    2)Thou shalt not be so annoying.
    3)Thou shalt not be such lousy hypocrites.
    4)Thou shalt not whine about how rude and horrible the other teams are.
    5)Thou shalt not be so educationally-challenged.
    6)Thou shalt not continue to name thyself “the only remaining nice team.”
    7)Thou shalt NOT win TAR.
    8)(Linda) Thou shalt not boycott thy hairbrush.
    And finally, for the Weaver girls:
    9)Thou shalt not dye thy hair to resemble a skunk.
    AND MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!
    10)Thou shalt NEVER EVER wear spandex or short shorts AGAIN!!!

    Amen

  54. 54
    georgiababe
    Posted November 29, 2005 at 6:25 pm

    good idea mountain girl. Let’s hope the Weavers come to Canada, because right now it is winter here, and they will be forced to cover themselves up in REAL pants and long coats.

  55. 55
    valerie pascual
    Posted November 29, 2005 at 10:52 pm

    i really hate the godlewski and the lindz they are just insecure with the weavers.

    i LOVE the weaver because i think they are fun to be with…. YOU ROCK REBECCA

  56. 56
    LIZZIE MCGUIRE
    Posted November 29, 2005 at 11:11 pm

    why all of you really hates the weavers…?????? eventhough the daughters of linda is fat they really look good… they are still beautiful.. they are not bad… they just love to have fun… and rolly is so handsome… ang pogi at ang ganda ng weavers…. mahal ko weaver family.. can you understand what i’m talking about… no no no…. love you weaver family.. rebecca, rachel, rolly, and linda

  57. 57
    amunet999
    Posted December 1, 2005 at 12:52 am

    This is my first time on this site. I knew there just had to be a sanctuary for Weaver-haters out there somewhere. Thank you for your sarcastic, hilarious review as well as the comments from others. They read my mind about so many things. Don’t worry folks, the God I believe exists would never let the True Believer Weavers win, she’s just letting them continue on week after week so they can expose themselves as stupid fucking hypocrites to all of America. I’m sure Jesus and Dad are looking down in shame.

  58. 58
    3G_Phil
    Posted December 1, 2005 at 7:19 am

    Hi Weavers!! (posts 55 and 56).

    your grasp of proper grammer and sentence structure is just as I expected it would be.

    P.S. Nice people fade back into obscurity. Mean people are easily recognized, and hard to forget.

  59. 59
    Ashley
    Posted December 1, 2005 at 1:17 pm

    does any one else think rolly is kind of cute? Hey I’m 13 so give me a break.
    Anyways he seems like the only non-annoying one in the family. Thoughts?

  60. 60
    TinkerbellAPixie TinkerbellAPixie
    Posted December 1, 2005 at 3:37 pm

    Yes, Rolly is kinda cute, but he has said some pretty rude things. His taunting of the biker last week “you’re no Lance Armstrong” stands out as one of his finer moments. I realize he was raised by a shrew and two harpy sisters so it’s hard to think he’d be much better. Who knows – maybe there is hope for him. Maybe he’ll see himself on tv and see the light.

  61. 61
    Tiffany
    Posted December 1, 2005 at 8:14 pm

    Naw, i dont think Rolly’s cute. As far as i’m concerned, rudeness is not cute.

    Oh man, the thought of the Weavers seeing this website and knowing just how much America hates them puts the biggest smile on my face – that almost makes me sound as evil as the Weavers themselves… almost.

    Anywho, Go Linz team! I want them to win :)

  62. 62
    juddfan
    Posted December 2, 2005 at 2:35 pm

    Something tells me the Weaver’s would read these witty re-caps and comments and think that none of us are nice either . . . just hedonistic Linz worshipers.

    Can’t say I’m a fan of any of these teams. Feel sorry for Chrissy, though I’m sure she’d annoy most, so weird that those 4 are sisters!? The mail man maybe!?

    Walder is the closest thing to hot for me, and it’s not very close, but still, that team seems ok enough.

    Looking forward to the next re-cap, hope you’re having fun on the crack binge!!!! (see LQ’s comments on Survivor . . .)

  63. 63
    ANON
    Posted December 14, 2005 at 5:59 am

    DEAR WEAVER FAMILY,

    AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED YOU WON THE AMAZING RACE. YOUR DETERMINATION AND ATTITUDE AND YOUR FAITH GOT YOU TO THE END OF THE RACE. YOUR HAVE YOUR FAITH WHICH IS FAR BETTER THAN A MILLION DOLLARS.
    MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU. I WISH YOU FAMILY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND MANY BLESSING IN THE NEW YEAR.

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