My Ox Is Broken!

Amazing Race

By B-Side | | 1:50 am | 26 Comments

colin_plowI fear that I may do The Amazing Race a disservice. Tonight’s episode was fantastically exciting. It featured not only another stunning Colin/Christie meltdown, but also some unexpected drama from the gimmicky Yield feature which finally got some play. Alas, a torrent of work has overwhelmed little old me, so I won’t be able to summon my usual snarkiness, but I’ll try.I might as well get down to business. We’re down to the final four teams: Chip and Kim, Colin and Christy, Brandon and Nicole, and Linda and Karen. Nerves seem to be fraying. The typically upbeat Bowling Moms started off the show with a bickerfest revolving around the map. It was the first cartography meltdown since the golden days of Alison and Donny, and it made me realize that unlike previous seasons, there haven’t been too many driver/navigator clashes this time around.

Karen has been growing weary of Linda over the past few episodes, and tonight they were at each other’s throats momentarily. I don’t like seeing happy people argue. I wanted to crawl under a bed and make it go away, but that’s really only because the two of them sound like Beaker arguing with a squeaky windshield. They eventually got over their bickering, but I couldn’t help noticing throughout the rest of the episode how thinly veiled Karen’s contempt for her partner now is. Oh well. Moms are allowed to be cranky, especially if it nabs them the #2 spot at the Pitstop.

cookie_palace
“I will crush the Cookie Palace with my giant hand!”

The high placement surprised me a little. For sure I thought the Born Again models would have beaten the Moms to the Pitstop, but I guess they ran into problems when their cabbie almost drove them to the “Cookie Palace” instead of the “Coconut Palace”, where Phil was dutifully awaiting. Coconut Palace? Who named all the places in the Philippines after apartment complexes in Florida?

Chip and Kim landed that all important first place finish, which meant they won a lovely trip to Hawaii. The native Manilla greeter watched on quietly as Chip and Phil engaged in an awkward bit of fist bumping. Of course the Filipino sidekick was probably preoccupied with self-satisfied pride for resurrecting Tina Turner’s wardrobe from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.

Chip and Kim had run a great race to land first place. They finally stopped trying to be nice and put on their game faces, which incidentally also included giant smiles. Still, the two pulled the all important jerk move of forcing the Yield on Colin and Christie. This new addition to the Amazing Race lexicon has been vastly underused this season. Actually, it hasn’t been used at all. We were starting to doubt it’s relevance until tonight when the Yield raised its ugly head. Not only did the wait infuriate Colin (then again what doesn’t? He sees a nun and he’s ready to take a chainsaw to her), but it also sparked the taste for revenge.

“We’ve been stabbed in the back,” complained the abusive couple. “The only person I’m allowed to stab in the back is Christy. Literally. I want to take a knife to her,” commented Colin. Okay, I made that last part up, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the thought had crossed Colin’s mind, especially after last night’s embarrassing Detour which had teams guiding an ox and a plow through the mud to find the next clue. While all the other teams were savvy enough to have one person guiding the ox and another guiding the plow, Colin and Christie made it a one man job.

Now, in defense of Colin – and this rare that I ever start a sentence like this – but in defense of Colin, Christie was being fairly useless. Literally. She was standing around with arms firmly crossed, offering irritating advice such as “Is there any way possible that you cannot wander aimlessly?” What’s Colin supposed to say to that? “Yes, but I prefer to scamper around like a jackass.” Truthfully, Christie was amazingly annoying this week. First she adopted the new technique of reading clues as if she were auditioning for a Micro Machines commercial. Then she practically crawled into a bus driver’s lap and nagged him to push the pedal to the metal. By the time they reached the muddy Detour, I thought for sure we’d see our first piece of domestic violence/

Of course this silliness led to another fantastic Colin breakdown in the Third World. “My ox is broken!” he screamed with enough murderous rage that I thought he was going to drown Christie in the wet mud. Eventually, he broke down a little and moped to the ox, “I hate you.” Apparently the feeling was mutual.

The duo did eventually emerge from the muddy chaos and cross the finish line. After the last non-elimination leg kept Brandon and Nicole alive and kicking, viewers like me feared that a second sucky team would be spared. And sadly, our premonitions were right. Phil faked out the Texas lovers by acting all sad and glum, but we knew it was too good to be true and sure enough, it was a non-elimination round. After an episode full of glorious setbacks for Colin and Christie, including a squandered lead due to a botched flight connection (best airport delay EVER), the future poster children for domestic abuse managed to hang on for another week. Chances are they’ll burn Chip and Kim next week with a dose of their own medicine, and quite frankly, I’m not sure the peppy team will be able to take it. If only Charla and her whistle were still around…

About

26 Comments

  1. 1
    Genevieve
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 6:23 am

    “she adopted the new technique of reading clues as if she were auditioning for a Micro Machines commercial.” Hehehehhee, very good.

    Me & my girlfriend were on the edge of our seats watching the whole Christy/Colin thing, especially with the ox. That was great tv.

    He totally over-reacted like normal. But I must say, I would have felt hard pressed to slap Christy while she stood there and did nothing as well.

    And the Yield thing, I wish Chip & Kim would have let someone else use it. Everyone wanted to, and the couple that did was going to be targets. I want Chip & Kim to win, they deserve it. And it made perfect sense to use the Yield last night.

    Btw, did you see when Christy honked the drivers horn?!?! I would of told her to get out of the cab if I was the driver. And then she tells him to run over people. She was just as manic as Colin was.

  2. 2
    jack
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 7:39 am

    Normally, I find myself wishing Phil K. (the thinking man’s Jeff Probst) would pull Christie aside like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come and give her a glimpse into her future life hiding bruises with concealer and throwing up after every meal so Colin won’t beat her for getting fat.

    This time, I was thinking, ‘Colin, smack that bitch!’

    Chip & Kim did the right thing, and Colin & Christie really have no reason to be mad about it, since they’ve consistently pulled a Rupert and made it nakedly obvious that they are the only team that can’t be depended on to screw up royally on a regular basis. But you had to know the AR production staff wasn’t going to let the man we love to hate disappear before the finale.

    If Chip & Kim only knew the power of the DARK SIDE!

  3. 3
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 8:50 am

    Boy, Colin and Christie just feed off each other, don’t they? Christie was particularly bad this episode when she was telling the cab to run over the pedestrians.

    I swear I heard her say, “Just run them over. They’re only…” Only what? pedestrians? Old? Filipino? Colin cut her off before she could complete it but I think there was a pretty ugly thought in there somewhere.

    I’m worried that that they’re going to have one breakdown to cause them to come last and, seeing it was the non-elimination leg, next week they’ll be completely focused on winning and breeze past everyone to the finish line.

    Still, I can’t wait to see Colin “intensely” begging for cash in Manila.

  4. 4
    njy
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 9:19 am

    what an episode. i think it’s among the best ever in the history of AR.

    colin and christie are a producer’s dream. but why are they so bitchy about kim and chip using the yield? how is playing the game stabbing someone in the back? it’s not like the alliance factor plays in to amazing race.

    and the most disturbing scene to me was the cab ride when christie was almost in the driver’s lap, yelling at him, and urging him to kill pedestrians because “they’re only….” we should make this a game. what was she about to say? my guess: “they’re only brown people who don’t understand american…er, english.” you know it is bad when colin is telling christie to settle down.

    please god, let the last obstacle involve a new york cab. i would love christie to get some taxi cab justice, nyc style.

  5. 5
    Mike
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 9:44 am

    I’ve already started praying and chanting for another eating Roadblock. Take that Colin and Christy and Christians!

  6. 6
    Genevieve
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 10:41 am

    I forgot to mention. Did anyone else notice Phils’ man-boobs last night?

  7. 7
    mick
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 11:08 am

    I started a new drinking game last night wherein every time the holy rollers in hot rollers called each other “baby”, I would do a shot. Everytime they “thanked Jesus”, I broke a Commandment. After posting bail, I re-watched this episode. I love how Christie plopped herself next to the Filipino driver and started telling him about the yeild. Like he gave a shit. She was just standing clear of Colin’s inevidable uppercut. The editing at the check-in was great. Especially great was Phil’s new faux-hawk. (Exscuse my bad spelling, Thank you Jesus)

  8. 8
    Mike
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 11:48 am

    I noticed,too, that Phil needs to stick to fabrics that skim, not cling. And hit the weights….not to mention his hair was bad. Oh, how the mighty (hot) have fallen.

  9. 9
    Retroqueen
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 2:27 pm

    Next to the manic-eyed Christie last nite, Colin looked as harmless as a petulant school boy…

    I so wanted Colin to throw the hourglass at the yield and then Christie face down in the mud at the ox challenge….

    Baby oh Baby, forgive me lord for thinking such violent thoughts………..

    GO CHIP AND KIM!!!!

  10. 10
    gf13
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 4:40 pm

    BEST EPISODE EVER! Watching Colin getting flung around by a 1200 pound animal was priceless. Did anyone else notice his command of “give me a kiss” to Christie? I can only image what foreplay is like between them.

  11. 11
    Chrissie
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 5:19 pm

    Are you sure it was the Ox Colin was saying “I Hate you” to?

  12. 12
    Jenn
    Posted September 15, 2004 at 6:49 pm

    This had to be the best episode ever! My new favorite quote is “my ox is broken”. Doesn’t that sound like something Ralph from the Simpsons would say? And Phil’s moobs (man + Boobs= moobs) were soooo hot! yea right.

  13. 13
    raisin
    Posted September 16, 2004 at 7:39 am

    Hey hi cldnt agree more abt wat u guys have posted. THo so sadly i missed the part abt christie sitting next to the driver!! wasted! haha agree wat happne to Phil?? IT totally gross me out!!! he looks so like his body needs some toning haha.

    AND yah i wasnt sure if his “God, i hate you” was refering to the cow or the ger! haha n at first i tot he was saying ” My heart is broken” didnt realise it was ” ox”.

    N i really really cldnt understand why the C&Cs only use one man power to do the ox plough thingie?!! wats on earth were they thinking? it was not even a road block!! hahah or maybe christie didnt juz want to get dirty hahahhaa

    anyway great episode with great comments!! ;-)

  14. 14
    not you again
    Posted September 16, 2004 at 7:35 pm

    “my ox is broken!” fucking brilliant! but don’t hesitate to forget the prelude of “this is bullshit!” which hints at an unfairness through colin’s eyes? chechnyan rebels, a war in iraq, genocide in the sudan, four hurricanes a year and an ox scared of getting its ass beat. yeah…ranks right up there. he is not a healthy cat. and please, please, please you must all say “my ox is broken” out loud in ralphie’s voice. outstanding

  15. 15
    MisterKen
    Posted September 17, 2004 at 9:04 am

    I thought Christie crawling into the front seat to explain the Yield to the bewildered Filipino was just surreal. It was like we caught a glimpse into the private conversations of her mind. I expected the focus to go soft and spooky music to take over the soundtrack … I fear that she is as unstable as Colin, only drop dead gorgeous. Crazy lady. Pretty pretty crazy lady.

    As a classic abuser, Colin’s self focus is razor sharp. I especially loved the shocked surprise that they had been yielded. Like he would not have done the same given the chance.

    I hope Chip & Kim shine those pearly whites all the way to the million dollars. And that the camera catches Colin’s head exploding when they loose.

  16. 16
    ^shadow^
    Posted September 19, 2004 at 12:50 am

    i think that colin and christie should shut their mouth….brandon and nicole should win…they rock…..two thumbs up……so colin n christie, chip n kim, and the bowling moms, you must let the deserving team pass…i think brandon n nicole are the best EVER in the amazing race season 5….they r like flo n zach….

  17. 17
    hermes
    Posted September 19, 2004 at 12:54 am

    BRANDON N NICOLE ROCKSSSSSS…….. BRING HOME THE 1 MILLION BUCKS GUYSSS…….BEST EVER TEAM I’VE EVER SEEN…….FOLLOW THE STEPS OF FLO N ZACH…….GO GO GO GO GUYS…. U WIL WIN….

  18. 18
    B0LER0
    Posted September 19, 2004 at 11:16 am

    Hi guys! I’m from the Philippines, and I would like to correct some misconceptions. 90% of our population do understand and speak English. We don’t have that much to be proud of in terms of economic advances, but we are deeply grateful for being the most English-literate country in Asia. That being said, I am quite sure Christy and Collin’s jeepney driver understood Christy’s ramblings (except for the “yield” part, which is a new game mechanic this season). The Amazing Race is a big hit here in our country, and a great majority know the drill. In fact, if the contestants just said that they’re part of The Amazing Race, they could have been offered a ride for free, as well as a fine meal if their time permitted. The Filipina who greeted them at the pitstop is Luli Arroyo, our president’s dayghter. Her outfit, admittedly, may look horrendous by today’s fashion standard, but it is the national costume for Filipinas, so please forgive her adherance to custom and history. Trust me though, no one wears that outfit on a daily basis! I speak in behalf of all Filipinos in thanking God that you all enjoyed this week’s episode. We can’t wait until you guys see next week’s adventure, in the beautiful island of Palawan. Guaranteed, it would blow you away with its serene beauty. Too bad they have to rockclimb some 150 feet to drown what could be a pleasantly wonderful experience!

  19. 19
    Abby
    Posted September 19, 2004 at 8:38 pm

    Hey there, i am from manila philippines. Amazing race 5 has a big follower here(really a big hit).I never missed even one episode. My fave players(colin & christie) really turned me off when they were here in manila. How could they be so cruel, just to win this race, they don’t give a damn about the people(when they were riding in a taxi and christie told the driver to run over the pedestrians). How bad they were…I like chip and kim to win instead because of that…They are more human than those asslovers!

  20. 20
    careless_whisper
    Posted September 21, 2004 at 6:56 pm

    hey there! i’m from the philippines. i still like colin and christie. They’re very competitive. it’s just too bad they’re put in the situation they have no control of. Whatever comes out of their mouth is just a way to release the tension. Wonder what would happen, if they just shut their mouth, no doubt they’ll drop dead! And to everybody, stop ranting, if you were in their places, what would you do? If C/C wont make it, I hope its B/N. AMAZING RACE, YOU ROCK!!!

  21. 21
    mcinms
    Posted September 22, 2004 at 8:14 am

    My Favorite episode HAD to be Colin in the mud. We watched that part 2 or 3 times & laughed & laughed. Although I think both Colin & Christie, did & said some very “unpolitically correct” things during this race, especially at a times when American tourists are not #1 all over the world, I still like them for some reason. OK- I could NOT believe Colin’s behavior in the episode where he almost went to jail & ended up thorowing the taxi driver’s money on the ground. I did think it was very rude of Christie to instruct the taxi driver in Manilla to run over people. BUT did you see how they came back from 4th place with NO money? Did you see Colin’s drive & ambition as he passed the Bowling Mom’s in climbing? And one thing I would like to add is how proud I am of Christie for being a good role model for women (minus the comment about running over pedestrians). I was embarrassed by Nikki’s behavior on the bicycles, but Christie never demonstated that kind of weakness. I was very impressed by her. And I would also like to add that colin & Christie were very smart to call ahead & get that Town Car to pick them up at the airport. GREAT Amazing Race again.

  22. 22
    mcinms
    Posted September 22, 2004 at 8:15 am

    My Favorite episode HAD to be Colin in the mud. We watched that part 2 or 3 times & laughed & laughed. Although I think both Colin & Christie, did & said some very “unpolitically correct” things during this race, especially at a times when American tourists are not #1 all over the world, I still like them for some reason. OK- I could NOT believe Colin’s behavior in the episode where he almost went to jail & ended up thorowing the taxi driver’s money on the ground. I did think it was very rude of Christie to instruct the taxi driver in Manilla to run over people. BUT did you see how they came back from 4th place with NO money? Did you see Colin’s drive & ambition as he passed the Bowling Mom’s in climbing? And one thing I would like to add is how proud I am of Christie for being a good role model for women (minus the comment about running over pedestrians). I was embarrassed by Nikki’s behavior on the bicycles, but Christie never demonstated that kind of weakness. I was very impressed by her. And I would also like to add that colin & Christie were very smart to call ahead & get that Town Car to pick them up at the airport. GREAT Amazing Race again.

  23. 23
    mcinms
    Posted September 22, 2004 at 8:15 am

    My Favorite episode HAD to be Colin in the mud. We watched that part 2 or 3 times & laughed & laughed. Although I think both Colin & Christie, did & said some very “unpolitically correct” things during this race, especially at a times when American tourists are not #1 all over the world, I still like them for some reason. OK- I could NOT believe Colin’s behavior in the episode where he almost went to jail & ended up thorowing the taxi driver’s money on the ground. I did think it was very rude of Christie to instruct the taxi driver in Manilla to run over people. BUT did you see how they came back from 4th place with NO money? Did you see Colin’s drive & ambition as he passed the Bowling Mom’s in climbing? And one thing I would like to add is how proud I am of Christie for being a good role model for women (minus the comment about running over pedestrians). I was embarrassed by Nikki’s behavior on the bicycles, but Christie never demonstated that kind of weakness. I was very impressed by her. And I would also like to add that colin & Christie were very smart to call ahead & get that Town Car to pick them up at the airport. GREAT Amazing Race again.

  24. 24
    raisins
    Posted September 22, 2004 at 8:21 am

    Hey mcinms, i agree with ya!! atho some time i cant stand the “maniactic” behavior of C & C, BUT i haf to say that they are really the best team i haf seen both physcially and mentally. Look at their determination n drive!! GOD look at they way they catch up! COOL

    hahha i really do hope that they win, not coz of the pple that are, but oz of the way they win the game. The havent really lied of manipulate anyone. so i really guess they win, THO I CANT STAND NICOLE N BRANDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO SO FAKO PPLE! hahhaha tho brandon seems like a genuine nice meek guy hahaha

  25. 25
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 12:09 pm

    I love Brandon and Nicole! They’re just so calm.. but Nicole’s slowly turning into another Flo! But.. i don’t care i still love them!

  26. 26
    charmedcharmer
    Posted September 26, 2004 at 8:54 am

    For the one who wrote this article….
    “Filipino sidekick was probably preoccupied with self-satisfied pride for resurrecting Tina Turner’s wardrobe from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.”
    Those are Philippines’ national dress for women… just in case you dont know! Their like kimonos in Japan. So beware of what you say coz you dont know stuff in the world.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.