So Many Questions…

Amazing Race

By B-Side | Wednesday, February 9, 2005 | 1:23 pm | 56 Comments

Well, it’s over. The Amazing Race 6 has come to an appropriately exciting end, and while the series remains the best and most intense reality show on television, I think we’re all looking forward to putting this cast of underwhelming characters behind us. I mean, did we really need so many actors, models, and trainers? Hopefully the producers learned their lesson, but considering Survivor couple Rob and Amber will be back for season 7 of the Race, I’m slightly disconcerted. We can only hope their tenure will last as long as fellow reality whore and Big Brother 4 alum Alison Irwin, who bit the dust after episode two of AR5, paving the way for a fantastic season.

But enough editorializing. Let’s recap the Race!Tonight’s shenanigans began before anything had even happened. During the montage of previous episodes, Phil haughtily mocked “Adam’s fear of almost everything he encountered.” He then chugged a Fosters and added “Pussy.”

The four remaining teams were told to grab a train to Xi’an, China (or “Zen”, as Kendra called it). Jon, still frustrated from his Shanghaii taxi experiences, angrily ripped open his clue with a scowl that seemed to say “I’m only moderately rational and friendly today. Oh, who am I kidding? I love you, envelope!” Nevertheless, the two scuttled off to the train station where they learned their trip would be, ahem, 17 HOURS. I’m just hoping that everyone stocked up on deodorant and Air Wicks. Freddy and Kendra arrived at the train station and had immediate difficulties. “Where do we go in? Here?” asked Kendra as she stood in front of what was obviously NOT an entrance (it was a tall fence). The two models bickered annoyingly as Freddy zapped Kendra with his all powerful rays of blandness. Luckily, she deflected the attacks by summoning her ever potent whine shield. Man, these two are really lame. I hope they don’t win the whole thing.

Back at the hotel, Adam and Rebecker faced the daunting task of raising funds for this leg of the race. Turns out horny businessmen love throwing cash at pretty girls because in no time, Rebecca had raised a small fortune. One guy even gave her $100 US. I can move to Shanghaii and beg on the streets, laughed Rebecca. Yeah, seriously, she’d probably be better off moving to Shang… uh… um… what she said. (I HATE when they steal my lines!)

Eventually, everyone wound up on the same train to Xi’an. Ice queen Hayden tried to soften up her image by playing with a baby. Unfortunately, said baby burst into horrified tears upon contact with the racer. Wow, Hayden really does bring misery and fear to everything she encounters. Flash forward to her happily picking up a bouquet of roses — only to have it promptly wilt with the sound of “Wah wah waaaah.” Luckily the baby survived its encounter with Hayden and is now on sale at ChinaTots.com.

Elsewhere on the train, Adam, Rebecca, Kris, and Jon were having a grand ole time bunking in a sleeper cabin. Kris talked about being a raging bitch, to which Adam responded “You as a raging bitch is Rebecca on a good day.” Everyone laughed heartily… except Rebecca. She simply shot Adam her patented “So many questions…” face. Awkward!

Seeing the need to quarantine Hayden from the children, Aaron brought his girlfriend to a window and gazed upon the Chinese countryside. “It’s like Michigan,” he said, referring to the cornfields whizzing by. Later he admitted that “Michigan” was his pet name for “China”.

After many hours, teams arrived in Xi’an and made their way to the next route marker, the Drum Tower. Of course, it didn’t open until the next morning which meant another slumber party in the street. Eventually, a small man showed up and banged a giant drum. They WOULD announce 8 AM that way. In the tower, teams received their next Detour: Spray or Scroll. The choice was to either travel far and paint a car body or search through spools of fabric for small Chinese characters. Everyone opted for “Spray” which meant hopping in a cab and going to a factory. Hayden immediately lost faith in her driver, complaining that “We’re getting taken on a goose chase!” I’ll just assume she meant “wild good chase” unless there actually was an errant goose waddling along on the road ahead.

Amazingly enough, Adam and Rebecca arrived at the factory first, and as they painted away, Adam let us know that he felt like Michael Keaton in Gung Ho. He then added “If only George Wendt were here, then my deepest fantasy would be complete.” Rebecca meanwhile advised her partner to employ “Nice, long strokes.” Giggles were had by all.

The teams had little difficulty getting through the Detour, although Aaron did chide Hayden several times for painting too thickly. He hates excessive coats of paint! Next stop on the race was the Terra Cotta Army, a major archeological find from the 1970s. As Phil explained the origins of these soldier statues, I feared our intrepid host might trip and knock one down, causing a catastrophic domino effect throughout the museum. Luckily, NimblePhil™ was in full effect, and no precious artifacts were destroyed.

We then cut back to the increasingly spastic Hayden as she zipped around like a confused Roomba. After complicating the simple process of receiving a clue at the factory, she then became the passenger from hell for many cabbies. Hayden freaked out dramatically en route to the Terra Cotta Army as she accused the driver of going the wrong way. Hey, wasn’t it just a few episodes ago that Hayden claimed she was “retarded with directions”? I guess maybe she can’t read directions, but when dropped into rural China, she’s like a human compass. Anyway, with the driver not motoring along at the desired speed, Hayden became a rabid wolverine as she implored Adam to “Make him go! Busses are passing us!” Who else wanted one of those busses to ram this woman off the road?

Meanwhile, at the museum, the models arrived looking for their next clue. “Do we have to dig?” asked Kendra, nodding towards the Terra Cotta Army. Yes. After 7,000 years, it is now up to you, Kendra, to dig away at these archeological relics. We don’t need them anymore anyway. They don’t even do anything except stand there and be annoying.

Luckily, before Kendra could take a pick ax to the soldiers, the duo found their clue which directed them to Mount Hua. Jon, meanwhile, busted out the understatement of the week when he declared that there’s a little language barrier between English and Chinese. I would mock Jon, but he’s too nice. And besides, I’d rather conserve my energy for Hayden, who after arriving last at the museum, escalated her taxi hysteria to full scale lunacy. With fire in her eyes and fangs growing out of her gums, Hayden screeched and yelled and roared until Aaron, in exasperation, simply yanked her out of the cab in the middle of nowhere. I was hoping he’d clasp her by the shoulders and shake her, maybe adding “My dear woman, what’s gotten into you?” And then there could be three or four exaggerated slaps back and forth, followed by the sudden appearance of a British cop wielding a billy club who would say “Nigel Bartlesby! What on Earth are you doing?” And I’ll just stop this now before I completely turn this into a BBC America comedy.

Over at Mount Hua, Freddy and Kendra rose to the top of the mountain with the help of a merry gondola. “I feel like Charlie and the Choccolate Factory,” gushed Kendra as she looked out the window. It wasn’t the strongest analogy considering the moment lacked chocolate and a factory, but to her credit, she does say it every time she ascends to any noteworthy altitude. Oddly enough, when visited the Hershey’s factory a few years ago, she said it was like riding a gondola in China. Go figure.

Already at the top of the mountain were Adam and Rebecca, who seemed to be living out their very own Cliffhanger movie. “Jump!” urged Rebecca to Adam as he climbed down from a ledge. And with that, he threw caution to the wind and jumped to safety. Sadly, this wasn’t very dramatic since it was only an 18 inch jump at best. Still, considering his previous jump of six inches warranted an “I love you mom!”, Adam seems to have made remarkable progress.

So what was actually at the top of this mountain? Why, the Roadblock, of course! Teammates were given a key and told to find the corresponding padlock amidst three thousand others. Okay, that’s just cruel. And awesome. Rebecca adopted a very wise attitude to the process, remarking “I have to be very zen-like.” Cut to five seconds later as she yelled “OPEN! OPEN! OPEN!” Unfortunately, the locks did not speak English and remained shut. As for Kendra, she tried to keep a positive outlook on the entire situation by testing out some of her well-received humor. “Some of these locks are from the year 2,” she joked as a rimshot went off in the background. I’m surprised we didn’t see a shot of Freddy doubled over with laughter, just barely wheezing out “Honey, I swear, you could write for Jay Leno.”

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the mountain, Hayden continued her maelstrom of bitchiness as she navigated through a self-imposed maze of shuttle tickets and mountain entrance fees. Somehow she managed to get on the wrong shuttle and have the wrong ticket about twelve different times, ultimately causing Aaron to fling his backpack across the lot. While he picked up his personal items, Hayden berated the locals for having the nerve — THE NERVE — to not speak English in their own country. They are awful little people!

Well, the two finally reached the Roadblock after a brief ride in the gondola (or GON-DOLE-AAH, as Hayden is fond of calling it). Ever the basketcase, Hayden jammed her key into a padlock and ultimately broke it in her ill-advised attempts to pry it out. Okay, let’s try some Padlock/Foxworthy humor. If a key don’t fit in a lock, chances are it’s not a match. If you have to force a key into a lock, chances are it’s not a match. And if you’ve broken your key because you were too dumb to realize it didn’t fit in the lock in the first place, chances are you’re a complete moron. Hey, that was fun. Maybe I can get a show on the WB.

Kris and Jon opened their lock first and made their way to the Pit Stop back in Xi’an. As usual, they won another trip to Mexico or wherever. Freddy and Kendra placed a happy second. “My only promise was final three,” said Freddy, adding “I will now fail you the rest of the way.” Ah, if only that were true…

Up on the mountain, Rebecker and Hayden nearly lost their sanity sorting through the locks (Hayden received a replacement key). With fingers bloody, blistered, and numb, Hayden finally threw in the towel as she and Aaron resolved to take the four hour penalty. Then just as the two dating/actors rose to leave, Rebecca called out triumphantly, “Got it!” Wow. That could not have been planned any better. Part of me wondered if she simply held off until the right moment, just so she could piss off Hayden. Nevertheless, with salt rubbed in their wounds, Hayden and Aaron sadly joined Adam and Rebecca on their trek back to Phil.

Will you marry/stop being bitchy to me?

Mr. Koegan looked terminally bored at the Pit Stop as he eliminated the actors, but then the darndest thing happened. Aaron got down on one knee and proposed to Hayden. The former she-dragon melted into a joyous, emotional wreck as the tender scene unfolded, and even Phil had to break out into a polite smile. Adam, meanwhile, looked more horrified than happy. “Do I have to ask Rebecca to marry me? I know she’s my beard and all, but this is ridiculous!” He then rolled his eyes and made a Z with air snaps.


BoredPhil™	HappyPhil™

After the Pit Stop, teams were told to catch a plane to Hawaii for the last leg of the race. That’s right. This was the final sprint to the big prize. With $1 million on the line, Kendra decided to get down and dirty. “We’re not gonna be the nice, sweet people we’ve been,” she warned, kicking the Ethiopian child she had adopted to the curb. She’s right though. They have been awfully nice and sweet – like that time when Kendra accused Senegal of being wretched and prone to over-breeding. Or that time when Freddy threatened to beat someone up because a gate fell on his head. I mean, these guys are so nice, I’m surprised they don’t have their own line of Hallmark cards.

Anyway, teams all battled the language barrier yet again as they snagged cabs to the airport. Rebecca had some fun with the situation by telling her driver that Adam had three testicles (you can find the irony yourself). The cabbie simply smiled and waved as Rebecca laughed. Later that night, when the driver’s wife asked how his day was, he responded “Oh, the usual. Dumb Americans who think I don’t speak English. Got the old ‘three testicle joke’ again. Anyway, pass the Chinese food. Or as we call it, food.” Meanwhile, in the models’ cab, Freddy lamented that “There’s always a bicyclist in front of us.” Interestingly enough, we then cut to a bicyclist who complained “There’s always dumb models behind me.”

From Xi’an International, teams flew to their various layover cities en route to Honolulu. In Osaka, Freddy, Kendra, Adam, and Rebecca came face to face with a Meal Nazi regime. The models tried to bump up their tickets to an earlier flight, and while there were seats available, the flight had no meals. NO MEALS. The horror! As a result, the team was banned from the flight, lest they travel hungry and discomforted. Kendra tried her best to woo over the icy ticketing desk by crying “I have a sick child in Honolulu!” but I think all that did was stir up deep cultural resentment from the airline guy. “You have left your child unattended? The family bond is sacred! The ancestors will think unfavorably upon this. No ticket for you!” Actually, the man was much more polite as he simply said “Don’t cry. Don’t cry.” Ultimately, the two were left with nothing else to do but sit around and maybe nosh on some sushi, or as Kendra calls it, Chinese food.

In a similar situation were Adam and Rebecca who were also denied an earlier flight because no meals were available for them. Man, Osaka is harsh! As the plane took off without them, Adam lectured the ticketing agent by saying “You’re really mean. Really mean. You’re mean. And cold.” He then said “mean” a few more times, added a “poopyhead”, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”, and ended with “I want my mommy.”

Eventually, everyone made it to Honolulu (although Adam and Rebecca lagged a good two hours behind everyone else). Teams quickly came upon the Detour which had teams either paddling two miles up a river or searching a clothes rack for an ensemble. Surprisingly enough, Jon and Kris opted to skip the brute force option because… it was going to maybe rain? Jon, you’re awesome, but that’s a lame excuse. Luckily, the big oaf proved all us naysayers wrong by zooming through the Detour at super speeds — and with super smiles. Even the overseeing manager couldn’t help but grin widely at the two lovebirds poking around his factory. His demeanor turned angry, however, as Kris and Jon each walked off with a Hawaiian ensemble. “I’d like to report a shoplifting,” the manager said on the phone before melting into a smile and adding, “A shoplifting of my heart.”

The models meanwhile paddled an outrigger up a two mile course. Kendra accidentally splashed her fiancé, much to his chagrin. I’m surprised he didn’t yell “Whoever splashed me, I will break you. I will BREAK— oh, it’s just you. Never mind.”

After the Detour, teams made their way to a local airport where the Roadblock instructed them to skydive onto a sandbar. Jon, of course, was amped as he placed his parachute over his Hawaiian shirt. Freddy meanwhile babbled about how exciting his first day in Hawaii was. I feared he would bore his tandem instructor into some sort of catatonic state, resulting in tragedy from upon high. Last to reach the Roadblock was Adam, who when falling from the sky sounds amazingly like Dame Edna being shot out of a cannon.

With the final Roadblock completed, teams then returned to Chicago for the final sprint to the finish. Freddy and Kendra snagged the earliest arriving flight, giving them a huge advantage. I became momentarily optimistic that they’d be thwarted when the next clue directed them to Gino’s Pizza. One last eating challenge to level the playing field? Yes. But unfortunately this was the rare normal-sized eating obstacle. Teammates only had to eat two slices each. Yes, I know it was Chicago deep dish pizza, but compared to a pound of caviar, a giant ostrich omelette, and a huge bowl of Hungarian soup, this was like chump change. Of course, the teams didn’t know that as they traveled to the restaurant. “What if it’s the size of a table,” pondered Kendra.

“Then we’ll vomit and keep eating,” responded Freddy.

“YES!” exclaimed Kendra with surprising enthusiasm. Sometimes we forget that she’s a “model”. Yay bulimia! Luckily, she did not disappoint as she gagged and burped at the table. You know that Freddy was secretly wishing she’d boot in the deep dish, if only to achieve cosmic justice. I’m surprised he didn’t egg her on with “Wow, look at the nasty vomit over there. Just kidding. But seriously, try not to think about vomiting, you ole vomit-head.”

Freddy and Kendra finished up their pizza just as Kris and Jon arrived (as evidenced by a patented AR slow-mo shot). A knot formed in my stomach as it became obvious that Frendra would be the clear frontrunners for the big prize. Luckily, while Kris and Jon munched on some Chicago deep dish, the models found the one taxi service that couldn’t find the next route marker – aka the finish line. Flustered, Freddy ran up to some cops and asked them to lead the way to Ping Tong park, or whatever it was called. He then had the balls to say “It’s an emergency!” Um, “emergency” to a cop does not mean “gotta help a random dude win $1 million”. Wow, this guy is a major idiot. Maybe he tripped one too many times on the L.L. Bean runway. Luckily Kendra had some wits about her as she pulled her dim-bulb fiancé away from a potential beating.

Meanwhile, Kris and Jon consumed their pizza and left the restaurant. As the two crammed their way through a revolving door, I couldn’t help wondering “Wow, they do everything together.” Of course, they stepped into a cab that, according to the editing, knew exactly where the park was.

Rebecca and Adam arrived last at the pizza parlor and were immediately high maintenance. “Do you have any soy cheese?” asked Rebecker. Man, they’re really L.A. Amazingly, with the race on the line (theoretically. They were so far behind it wasn’t even an issue), Adam managed to freak out over this task because it involved tomatoes. “I don’t eat tomatoes,” he insisted. Somehow though Rebecca got him to eat the dastardly food. Not sure how she did it exactly, but I think it went something like “Just pretend it’s a penis.”

In the end, it was a near photo finish between the models and the lovebirds. Unfortunately, a random freight train blocked Kris and Jon at the worst possible moment, and the models nabbed first place. Dammit! Well, in all fairness, midway through Phil’s final interview, we could suddenly hear the train passing, which meant Kris and Jon were about five minutes behind (and therefore the train did not prevent them from getting first place). Nevertheless, the two had a sweet moment by the tracks as they hugged and kissed. Later, they actually seemed to be happy that Freddy and Kendra had won. Man, they’re so ni– no, I won’t say it again. I swear… They’re so nice! Sorry, couldn’t help it.

Anyway, Rebecca and Adam arrived third, and as we gazed upon the fallen teams, I couldn’t help wondering “Why does Jonathan have such massive, hairy armpits? And why is he still trying to steal the spotlight?” Later, Freddy and Kendra reveled in their newfound riches, noting that they’re really the perfect people for each other. Yes, they are. Bland, annoying, and dumb. Two peas in a pod. Or at least two saltines on a cheese spread.

The show ended with a rousing preview of next season (three weeks away) and a commercial for the Grammys. I wouldn’t normally mention that except I found it odd that as the announcer promised a tribute to the tsunami victims, CBS played “How Far Is Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys in the background. Uncomfortable…

What did you think of this finale? Did Freddy and Kendra deserve it? Are Kris and Jon not the best reality couple of all time?

Comments (56)
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56 Comments

1

court

Posted February 9, 2005 at 1:24 pm

Hilarious recap B-side. The same knot formed in my stomach too when I realized that Kendra and Freddy were going to win….Kris and Jon definitely deserved it!
2

empty

Posted February 9, 2005 at 1:24 pm

i dont want to be melodramatic but this was easily the saddest moment in my existence, and presumably, the existence of every other ar viewer in the universe. Kris and Jon deserve this more than any other two human beings… ever!! Freddy = lame, Kendra = hot but oh so lame, they simply didnt deserve it.

I was praying that lori and bolo would hold them down at the finish line until my beloved kris and jon ran triumphantly to phil… but alas no such luck. Instead i was treated to some top quality cheese as kendra and fence-whine freddy decided to keep take their final minute of tv glory to complain about how tough the competition was and how fortunate they are. Whores. Seriously, when kris and jon got the line and freddy remarked “you guys were our toughest competition” i was ready to stab him. No shit freddy, they came second!

I will quit complaining as i know that im in no state to do so. Bring on the next season!
3

J-Unit

Posted February 9, 2005 at 1:31 pm

Alas, for every time a Chip and Kim win, we have to deal with a Freddy and Kendra winning. I hope I see Kris and Jon in LA. I also hope they don’t find it strange that I just want to hug them and see if some of their niceness rubs off onto my icy heart.
4

jason

Posted February 9, 2005 at 1:31 pm

I love Kris and Jon, but they had the best dumb line of the night while leaving the Terra Cotta Museum: Jon stating the museum was cool indicating “they were like soldier statues” and Kris replying, that they were indeed statues of soldiers.
5

Eyeroller

Posted February 9, 2005 at 1:32 pm

You didn’t mention Kris and Jon’s joke about the language while they were still in China. Jon said they always sound like they’re angry, even though they’re not. Then he said “I love you!” to Kris as if he were made at her and she said it back.
I’m so going to miss them….
6

girl

Posted February 9, 2005 at 1:36 pm

BOOOOOOOOO FREDDY AND KENDRA!!!!

Oh, and I knew you were going to put the screen shot of a horrified Adam regarding Hayden and Aaron’s engagement…Cheeky Monkey!
7

POLOMAN

Posted February 9, 2005 at 1:44 pm

God, that was one great recap.

But honestly, am I the only one who felt really sick when Freddy and Kendra turned out to be the big winners?, I mean, that’s like rewarding someone for being stupid, uncultured and annoying, I really hated this couple, Kendra with her sometimes racist comments and Freddy with his dullness and sudden acts of rage. Anyway, for some reason the cosmic powers that control this world made them the winners, and so all I can do is grind my teeth and curse the winners whom I’ve grown to hate more and more every single week…AH THE POWER OF TV.

Anyway, I hope the Next TAR is better, I just can’t wait.
8

Nico

Posted February 9, 2005 at 1:55 pm

It was kind of a lack-luster season alltogether and the finale did as expected and lived up to the so-so’ness of the season. Really bumbed for Kris and Jon, by far the best reality couple of all time and should have won.
9

Grellis

Posted February 9, 2005 at 2:00 pm

My favorite recap yet, B-Side!!

Unfortunately, the result was as bad as the recap was good. Did anyone else cringe during Kendra’s teary finish-line speech when she said that Freddy was the man to “bear her children?” Wonder what our viewers in Senegal thought of that one. . . .

Oh well. At least Kris and Jon have each other, all the vacations they won, and the undying devotion of all the TAR fans. Can’t wait for next season–and for Romber to lose!
10

Nathan

Posted February 9, 2005 at 2:22 pm

Freddy and Kendra beat Kris and Jon. BOOOOOOOO!

“The Amazing Race” has been renewed for two more seasons (8 & 9). YAY!!

Stupid Rob and Amber are on next season. DOUBLE BOOOOO!!!

Producers decided to curb their homophobia next season and cast not 1, not 2, but 3 gay contestants. DOUBLE YAY!!!!
11

Plumes

Posted February 9, 2005 at 2:33 pm

I actually looked for chinatots.com….

Funny. But you missed the best line of all– Kendra saying – “He is WORTHY of having my children.”

Now we have to get ready for Survivor, Apprentice sucks, next TAR and don’t forget… NASCAR !!
12

Michael

Posted February 9, 2005 at 2:38 pm

“I’d like to report a shoplifting,” the manager said on the phone before melting into a smile and adding, “A shoplifting of my heart.”

That made me snort.
Thanks.
13

snazzybangs

Posted February 9, 2005 at 2:48 pm

utterly disappointing (the finale, not your recap)… my fiance and i watched in horror as aaron, who tried to throw his backpack and himself off the cliff at the lock mission, was unsuccessful, and then with even MORE horror as frendra won the whole thing! WTF. we can only hope that next season is better. man, its a sad sad day.
14

bonggargler

Posted February 9, 2005 at 3:13 pm

Great recap, but I’m very surprised that you didn’t comment on the fact that the only “scary” task that Adam didn’t have a problem with was the one where the man was strapped to his backside…
15

yankeegirl

Posted February 9, 2005 at 3:43 pm

Ugh – Freddy and Kendra winning was horrifying and disgusting. I actually had a hard time getting to sleep last night b/c I was so irritated.
Great recap though – I laughed out loud quite a few times!
Kris and Jon rock, and totally deserved to win. It is a shame that they didn’t.

Down with ROMBER on TAR 7!!!!
16

r

Posted February 9, 2005 at 3:53 pm

As much as I loathed Freddy and KKKendra, and hate to think that they’re a million bucks richer than NiceJon and NiceKris, I had to laugh when Freddy said of the pizza task, “Then we’ll vomit and keep eating.” He looked so psyched! Is it possible that he got a taste of his own puke in Hungary and now craves more? Oh, ew.
17

ChristianV

Posted February 9, 2005 at 4:01 pm

“Dame Edna being shot out of a cannon,” Awesome.

One vote here for Kris and Jon, THE best reality couple in history. They were ROBBED! Damn that train!
18

b-side

Posted February 9, 2005 at 4:22 pm

Honestly, Freddy and Kendra sucked, but I wasn’t nearly as mad as when Flo won three seasons ago.
19

mattie

Posted February 9, 2005 at 4:24 pm

as every couple was eliminated, they all said how amazing their partner was, blah, blah, blah. with kris and jon, i actually buy it. they seem to really be nice people and (horror!) in a healthy, stable relationship unlike the rest of the teams.

i will miss rebecker, too. she grew on me as the season went on with her pep and snarky comments.
20

VOO

Posted February 9, 2005 at 4:58 pm

I am on board with the Boo to Frendra. Do people like Kris and Jon really exist outside the commercials for the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. I am surprised there was no comment about Adam’s parachute being rainbow colored while Freddy and Jon’s were just plain colored.
21

TexasK

Posted February 9, 2005 at 5:01 pm

Kris and Jon didn’t win. Gawdamnit. Truly I thought that Barbie and Ken’s bad cab karma had come back to haunt them after they screwed all those Senagalese taxi drivers. But NO, it was just CBS screwing with my head again.

Seeing Adam jump out of the plane was the BEST moment of the show. The tandem instructor had to grab his arms and pull him back into proper freefall position. My grandma would have had more composure than that dude.

Boston Rob and Amber in the next season — they better be entertaining as all hell. If some poor pair of saps who haven’t already won $1 million on national TV get screwed because these two are on the show acting like a couple of idiots … well, there’ll be hell to pay CBS. I don’t know how, but I’ll make it happen. Mooooohahahahahaha.
22

TexasK

Posted February 9, 2005 at 5:06 pm

One more comment, hopefully to soothe all us poor souls who just lurrrved Kris and Jon. If AR ever does an All-Stars season like Survivor did, they will no doubt be on it. Hell, maybe they’ll even get a cool “team congeniality” mill, a la Rupert.
23

Tim

Posted February 9, 2005 at 6:18 pm

Okay, what happened to Kris and Jon after they got off the train in Chicago? One minute they were on the same el train as Freddy and Kendra, and the next minute they were so far behind that they didn’t get to Gino’s until Freddy and Kendra were leaving.

There was a weird scene after the Water Tower of Kris and Jon getting into a cab in a location that was nowhere near Water Tower, and it made me think they got lost, but then they showed Adam and Rebecca in the same area, which makes me think they edited out an entire task, and perhaps that’s where Kris and Jon got so far behind. Any ideas? Anybody?
24

me

Posted February 9, 2005 at 7:17 pm

It is too sad that Kris and Jon lost, especially to the loathesome Freddy and Kendra.
25

Jason

Posted February 9, 2005 at 7:20 pm

As much as “Amazing Race” is my guilty pleasure, I plant myself in front of the TV to watch it just so B-side’s recaps will be that much funnier. Cheers to B-side for such long, hilarious diatribes that make “Amazing Race” so much better. The Dame Edna reference was brilliant.

My question is, why doesn’t CBS hire B-side?
26

B-Side

Posted February 9, 2005 at 7:27 pm

Guys – thanks for your kind comments as always. I do appreciate them. As for CBS hiring me, hey – feel free to write them…
27

raisin

Posted February 9, 2005 at 7:52 pm

SO damn sad that jon and kris did not win!! i was so disappointed with the ending! Nice people do not always win!! SICK SICK that the whiney Kendra and BOOOORRRING Freddy won.. ( he does bear a slight resemble to freddy kruger keke)

Anyway Wonderful and amazing recap. Make me laugh so so many times esp with the bored phil and happy phil hahaha.

some times i cant help it but feel that phil secretly wished, ” damn all this racers, I should be the one winning the million dollars!”

ANd lastly Kris and Jon are the best reality couple ever!! lOoking towards more recap for AR7
28

Stefanie

Posted February 9, 2005 at 9:12 pm

“Sometimes we forget that she’s a “model”. Yay bulimia! Luckily, she did not disappoint as she gagged and burped at the table. You know that Freddy was secretly wishing she’d boot in the deep dish, if only to achieve cosmic justice. I’m surprised he didn’t egg her on with “Wow, look at the nasty vomit over there. Just kidding. But seriously, try not to think about vomiting, you ole vomit-head.”

I’m a former bulemic and even I couldn’t stop laughing hysterically! I did enjoy the “I don’t eat tomatoes.” “Well, I don’t eat cheese!” “Well, I don’t eat tomatoes.” “Well, I DON’T EAT CHEESE!” moment.

And the sweet moment at the train tracks.

Can’t wait for next season!
29

jaded

Posted February 9, 2005 at 10:07 pm

“Dame Edna being shot out of a cannon”

LMAO!

Disappointment was the word of the day when Freddy and Kendra won, that’s for sure. But I love that the next season is only 3 weeks away. Bring it!!
30

stupid

Posted February 9, 2005 at 11:14 pm

I looked up “Ping Tom” park and found the address in this url. With all those train tracks, there’s no way of knowing if the train heard in the background of F&KKK, was the one that robbed Kris & Jon. (I mean, the park is literally covered in train tracks. I’m sure the planners were deliberately trying to stop racers, or let them die trying.)
31

Pip

Posted February 9, 2005 at 11:36 pm

Bravo. Bravo. Brilliantly put. And HIGH-larious.
32

steve

Posted February 9, 2005 at 11:50 pm

Freddy and Kendra didn’t win. They have just become engaged. Not even a million dollars would be compensation for the hell they will inflict on each other. At least this way they will only ruin one marriage. The real winners were Kris and John; they get to spend time with each other.
Has anyblody else wondered how well Rebecca might have done if see didn’t have to babysit that petulant child for 40,000 miles?
33

TinkerbellAPixie

Posted February 10, 2005 at 5:20 am

I was devastated Freddie and Kendra won – but that doesn’t close to the ill feeling I had when after an hour of watching Hayden’s abuse of Aaron he dropped to his knee to propose. Makes me wish he HAD jumped off that mountain instead. UGH.
34

America's Next Top Fan

Posted February 10, 2005 at 5:55 am

Tim, you’re right. All teams were at the Water Tower and had to make their way to Gino’s East which is only a 5 MINUTE WALK from the Water Tower! But in the next scenes each team were looking for a taxi on the west side of Chicago near the United Center (go Bulls!). In the background you can cleary see the Presidential Towers and Sears Tower which can only be viewed together from the west side. I felt cheated and thought maybe the producers edited out a controversial part of the race.

I mean these guys were looking for a cab and all they had to do was turn around and spit, they’re on Michigan Ave for god’s sake. Then all of a sudden they’re all looking for a cab on the west side. What’s up with that? I think the fans deserve some clarification.

Phill looked like he was having an orgasmic moment during Aarons proposal.
35

Caroline

Posted February 10, 2005 at 6:42 am

With all of the previous talk of Phil dressing to the right, am I the only one who found myself staring at his crotch?

-”I’d like to report a shoplifting,” the manager said on the phone before melting into a smile and adding, “A shoplifting of my heart.”
-sounds amazingly like Dame Edna being shot out of a cannon.
-photo of Adam’s big jump with little bracket
You should win some kind of award for this re-cap, B-side. We were feeling down about Frendra winning, but this brought snark-filled joy to all.
Thanks and keep up the good work!
36

jack

Posted February 10, 2005 at 6:57 am

I thought that look on Phil’s face was more of the ‘dude, are you seriously going to clamp on that ball and chain?’ variety. i wish that after the proposal they’d cut to a slo-mo shot of aaron heaving hayden’s backpack at her and nearly knocking her into the street like an errant bowling pin. ain’t love grand?
37

chris

Posted February 10, 2005 at 7:13 am

I like Kris and Jon, too….but “the best reality couple of all time” is stretching it. That would have to be Amber and Rob, who had to outwit, outlast, and outplay TWICE on Survivor, and did it without being an official couple. I like TAR, but I don’t think what the contestants have to go through compares to Survivor. I can’t wait to see “Romber” on TAR7 !!!
38

KIrby

Posted February 10, 2005 at 7:38 am

Were Kris & Jon on the same el as Fredra for sure? I couldn’t tell from the editing; but if not, it is American Airlines fault that K&J lost. That agent told them it was the first flight of any into Chicago, but really the United flight was first. Can they sue American for the million?
39

Brian

Posted February 10, 2005 at 8:29 am

B-Side, thanks for the recaps all throughout this season. I enjoy watching AR, but the laugh-out-loud pleasure I get from your summaries is priceless. I’m not sure what this says about me, but reading your recaps is defintely one of the highlights of my week.
40

Retroqueen

Posted February 10, 2005 at 8:46 am

I for one am ecstatic that Freddy and Kendra – AmericasVeryOwnGoodwillAmbassadors- have won!

I await anxiously for Kendra’s self named clothing line to appear at my local K Mart, lovingly hand stitched by the overbred children of Senegal.
41

Lady J

Posted February 10, 2005 at 9:32 am

I’ll say this, that was one mighty suspenseful finale. The first hour was on fire! Hayden blew her stack all over China. She really raged at the citizens and I really wanted to see Aaron hurl his bag off the mountain. The look on Adam’s face at the proposal was hilarious. He was more shocked than anyone.

I didn’t care who won, though it was surprising who did.
42

Lady J

Posted February 10, 2005 at 9:34 am

Oh, and I will say Kendra seemed more xenophobic than racist. She seemed to rage against national cultures rather than races of people.
43

DSL

Posted February 10, 2005 at 10:10 am

I cant believe you didnt slam Kendra even more for her “I have a sick child at home” routine. That was the lowest even for that dim-wit. We can only hope that the “reality” gods make her child sick one day when she really is a few thousand miles away.

You’d like to hope that these folks think “sure we won, but we looked like such morons….” but you know that is just wishful thinking.
44

Genevieve

Posted February 10, 2005 at 1:35 pm

NimblePhilâ„¢ Where can I buy one of those?

Why any sane person would want to marry Hayden is beyond me. Like I said to my gf, she must have a p*ssy that sings & dances. Aaron, when you come to your senses, look me up ;o)

Also, I like Adam, stop making fun of him for goodness sake!

And although I wanted Kris & Jon to win like everyone else, I was glad to see Frendra so happy.
45

joney

Posted February 10, 2005 at 1:59 pm

You guys are going to cover the Dr. Phil Jonathan and Victoria special, right?

Can’t wait!
46

Lisa

Posted February 10, 2005 at 3:23 pm

I am officially the unluckiest person in America. My least favorite team won, although I can’t say that I’m surprised. And to everyone who doesn’t want Romber to when on the next Amazing Race, don’t worry. I like them and I want them to win which means they will not win. I will just have to look forward to their Wedding when it airs on TV instead.

Whenever Kendra would refer to Rebecca and Adam as “the little ones”, did anybody wonder what she would have called Charla had she been on the same season as her?

Also, I can’t understand why Gino’s Pizza would volunteer to be on TAR. All 3 teams left saying how gross that pizza was. That can’t be good for business.
47

mick

Posted February 10, 2005 at 5:05 pm

b-side…did anyone win the contest?
Kendra’s “my child is sick” bullshite excuse reminded me of Myrna/shmyrna’s “She is a fucking fidget and needs a doctor-o”
I love what J-Unit said about hugging Kris and John if he bumps into them in LA. I feel the same way.
BTW: No matter how much eye candy people seem to think Kendra is, I would gouge out my earwax, not to hear that lazy drawl.
I freaking HEART Kris and John. (and B-Side)
48

Amy

Posted February 11, 2005 at 8:39 am

I am from Chicago and work down here by Water Tower. There is a segment missing from the finale and I want to know what it was. The scene that they show them getting into the cabs at Water Tower is actually the South side by McCormick Place so I think they edited out a challenge… everyone in my office agreed that they were on South Canal street looking for a cab.

FYI – Gino’s East is about 6 blocks from Watertower… the problem finding a cab made NO sense because there are about 3 hotels right next to the plaza with cabstands.

Anybody know?
49

America's Next Top Fan

Posted February 11, 2005 at 9:38 am

Yeah, Amy. I thought they were on the west side @ first but looked at it again and noticed the southside landmarks. I don’t think anyone else cares but it sure is driving the Chicago folks nuts.

Water Tower + Cab – Gino’s East = South Canal?

The math just don’t add up. The Water Tower ain’t on South Canal.
50

Kim

Posted February 11, 2005 at 11:50 am

It seemed like the editing was all out of order. They took the Blue Line to the Water Tower. The Chicago stop for the blue line is WAY FAR AWAY WEST from the Water Tower! After they went to the water tower and looked for a cab, it looked to me like they used footage of them looking for a cab where the blue line lets you off – either way not by the water tower because that’s tourist central.
Cracked me up to see the cabbies though – loved it!
51

Aimee

Posted February 11, 2005 at 9:58 pm

I loved Kris and Jon! I seriously just fell in love with them and enjoyed watching them every week. they deserved to win more than anyone because they actually enjoyed themselves. I loved the little smirks they would give when their cabbies would pull ahead and they would pass some of the team members. the cab stealing, airline scandals and train “wreck” in the last episode were just not fair for my favorite reality TV couple!
52

Amazing Surventice

Posted February 12, 2005 at 8:50 am

Hilarious wrap-up. You had me pee-ing. I adore Kris & John. Of course they should have won. They showed patience (except with the Singapore cabs- but who wouldn’t?) and they just had a wonderful positive time the whole race.
Hayden – ridiculous. How perfect that her key broke at the end of her complete meltdown of a day. How could Aaron have let her to do that task anyway when the clue said “someone that is methodic.” Methodic? Screaming-mimi Hayden? God love that gorgeous hunk Aaron. Why would he be in love with that Fruma-sarah of a hag? And I’m sorry, but after Romber, I don’t need to see another reality couple get engaged on national tv. Maybe Aaron will see the show now and realize he’s made a huge mistake before he weds her. The winners (and I use the term loosely), F & K, awful. Maybe they will donate their million to the countries that Kendra offended throughout the entire race.
53

Soriner

Posted February 13, 2005 at 6:10 pm

I don’t think they were actually on the same el (I think Kris and Jon were mistaken). Otherwise when they got off at Chicago, there would almost guaranteed be a shot of the same teams within the same shot (which TAR loves to do in slow mo), as you only have a few seconds usually to get off of the el and they would all be on the platform.
54

Catie

Posted February 14, 2005 at 9:38 am

Will you marry me B-Side?

Your recap is the only thing that has cheered me up. Obviously Kris & Jon were meant to win. I feel so betrayed, the producers could’ve stepped in! I don’t even know if I’ll be able to watch the next season, I can’t take another disappointment like that.
55

markc2

Posted February 14, 2005 at 11:53 am

I really liked your recap, B-Side…had me laughing out loud several times. I was pretty disappointed that Kris and Jon didn’t win…they were my favourite team. My least favourite and the most obnoxious team, Freddy and Kendra, managed to cross the finish line first…which I didn’t see, because as soon as I saw them running for it, I was so disgusted that I turned off the TV. Is there no justice?!!!
56

Marbacca

Posted February 15, 2005 at 5:12 pm

As all the Amazing Races end anti-climactically, I was not surprised that those tards won. Damn them. Those two make me want to puke in my Hungarian soup. What I want to know is how Kris and Jon managed to get so far behind team tard when they were on the same train? ugghhh

Great recap, I hope AR7 has as much hijinx and wackiness as this one did.

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