That’s What The Kids Call Fun Times

Amazing Race

By B-Side | Wednesday, March 2, 2005 | 4:18 pm | 44 Comments

LAMB How refreshing is the latest edition of The Amazing Race? After last season’s uninspired cast featuring Jonathan and Victoria (aka Team JV), this new, colorful bunch of teams is like a breath of fresh air. Yeah, I know Survivor’s famous couple of Rob and Amber are back, but hey, at least they’re interesting and serve as enjoyable villains. Thankfully, the good people at CBS casting opted to cut down the acting/model quotient in favor of memorable personalities. That’s not to say there’s no eye-candy this time around. Roommates Megan and Heidi quickly top the list of hottest Amazing Race women while brothers Brian and Greg offer a little somethin’ for the ladies. Still, despite the generally good genetic condition of this cast, there’s a sense that we can get behind several of the teams for any variety of reasons as opposed to picking the lesser of two evils. With that being said, let’s take a ride in the Way-Back Machine and relive season seven’s sprawling premiere.For this season’s opener, we found Phil aboard the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA. He once again welcomed us to the series with his usual brand of patrician charm and old money aloofness. Moments later, a small army of choppers descended on the location, and Jeff Probst walked out holding an immunity idol. Actually, that didn’t happen, but instead we finally met the new teams for this season.

First up were Debbie and Bianca, two Southern Belles who described themselves as goofballs and silly, silly, silly. This was followed with wacky footage of them apparently doing the boxstep in rollerskates and tube tops. Wacky indeed! Let me get out my slide whistle and calliope music. Spewing out of the next helicopter were two of West Hollywood’s finest, Lynn and Alex. If Chip and Reichen wanted to smash stereotypes of gay men, these two wanted to build them right up again. Prancing around sort of like the gay versions of Fred Savage and A.J. from the Sopranos, these two comfortably assumed the role of resident jokesters. Two snaps for that!

Survivor losers/winners Rob and Amber, or Ramber (it could be Romber, but that sounds sort of serious and analytical) emerged next. Rob boasted that the two have a profound friendship — as evidenced by them rocking in a hammock. You should see it when they watch TV together on the couch. Their friendship is mind-blowing then.

Two heavyset and docile hicks from South Carolina popped up next, and dang it if they weren’t wearing Lynn and Alex’s WeHo weekend outfits. That’s okay. They may have been wearing cut-off denim shorts and sleeveless shirts, but I feel badly bashing their oddball fashion style. You can tell these guys are just happy folk just looking for good, Dukes of Hazzard-esque memories. Their names are Ryan and Chuck, for all you wondering.

Next were Heidi and Megan, two “roommates” (cough, models, cough) who just happen to look exactly alike: flowing blond tresses, skinny but shapely physiques, and a certain disposition to giggling and tanning together. It’s official. Paris Hilton has spawned decoys.

Patrick and his mother Susan stepped off a helicopter next, and while they may have looked homely and sweet, they explained that they were actually quite devious. This was illustrated by Patrick stealing a cookie off Susan’s cooling tray in the kitchen. Oooh, devious indeed! I don’t know how I’ll be able to deal with such a saucy team!

Uchenna and Joyce, a late thirtysomething black couple, showed up next, I believe, and immediately laid out a sob story for us. They’ve tried to have a baby twice, but it didn’t work out. To make matters worse, they were each laid off from many corporations, and now they need the money to pay off their debts and have a child. Oh, and their favorite goldfish just died.

Filling out this season’s senior citizen dynamo were Meredith and Gretchen, and no, they weren’t a pair of wrinkly old lesbians. Meredith was actually a guy. I don’t remember much about them except that they have a penchant for rowing around in a kayak. Apparently they earn their living reenacting famous scenes from the L.L. Bean catalogue.

Next up were brothers Brian and Greg who announced they were big goofballs. This was evidenced by one of them trying to pull down the other’s pants while on rollerblades. Okay, so apparently roller-shoes are the de facto prop for general wackiness. Unfortunately, these brothers seemed to have been a fan of last year’s Big Brother installment because the mandanas were out in full force. Man, they better lose those real quickly.

Hey Uchenna and Joyce. You thought you had a sob story? Wait until you meet Ron and Kelly. She was a beauty queen. He was a POW in Iraq. Yeah, can’t really make fun of that. So let’s just move onto our final team: Ray and Deana. Yeah, these guys are pretty boring. They like martial arts and Ray is apparently strong-willed. Oh. One of those. Let’s start this race already.

Why, Phil must have read my mind. After a brief explanation of the rules, Phil kicked us off by saying “On your marks. Get set.” He then paused and raised his eyebrow seductively, almost as if to say “Hey camera. Maybe you’d like to get some drinks with me tonight. Afterwards, I’ll show you my collection of turtlenecks. Then, anything goes.” Once we were sufficiently disgusted/thrilled by Phil’s libidinous expression, he then yelled “GO!” and the teams were off.

After scrambling towards their bags, everyone ripped open their clues which instructed teams to fly to Lima, Peru via LAX. Rob and Amber immediately boasted that after all those nights on Survivor, physical challenges would be a breeze. Unfortunately, those pesky mental hurdles always get in the way as Rob struggled to open the trunk of his car. Yes, the complex world of locks, keys, and latches. I guess you can’t learn everything on Survivor. You know, like common sense.

vintage With the teams racing to the airport, we segued into the opening credits which featured an encore performance by Bianca and Debbie in their rollerskates. You mean we have to watch that every week? Excellent. Meanwhie, the Alex/Lynn opening bit registered high on the campy scales as it featured the two guys excitedly bursting out of changing rooms in some vintage shop. They’re already funnier than the entire season of Joey so far.

After the credits, we returned to the racers who were navigating the route to LAX. Uchenna and Joyce felt confident that they’d have an edge up on everyone in the race since they were from California and therefore knew the roads. Oh that’s great. I’m sure that will be really helpful in PERU.

Speaking of Peru, Lynn tried his best to summon his knowledge of the country’s native culture. “Peru is like donkeys and blankets,” he said before his boyfriend reprimanded him for using such broad generalizations. Seriously, how could he not mention the pan flute? Well, they may not have known much about Peruvian culture, but Team Weho had an unlikely set of fans in Heidi and Megan who exclaimed “I just love them!” They then proceeded to nearly crash and die on the freeway. Seriously. Luckily the gals emerged unscathed, but chances are there were about five jackknifed tractor trailors sprawling across the freeway in their wake. Sensing that they were unsafe at any speed, the girls switched drivers, and I was fairly amused to see that they had pulled off in Compton or Inglewood to do this. Not many white girls have that sort of boldness, but maybe Heidi’s Crip roots gave her an extra sense of security.

Nevertheless, after the harrowing journey through the Los Angeles freeway system, teams arrived at LAX. Brothers Brian and Greg parked their car and hustled to the airport shuttle. “Wanna get a jog on?” one of them asked. “Jog” is apparently their pet name for “mandana.” Meredith and Gretchen showd up some time later, and when the last shuttle threatened to leave without them, Gretchen scowled, “God darnit! God darnit!” Man, I love old people. Fortunately for them, the shuttle stopped, much to Ramber’s chagrin, and let the senior citizens climb aboard. Golly!

There was some minor drama at the airport as teams had to choose between American Airlines or United. As usual, the flight leaving first arrived last. Tricky producers! There was lots of running, sweating, panting, and shuttle hopping, but eventually everyone sorted everything out. At the United terminal, POW Ron cornered Ray and explained to him how he had served in Iraq, was shot down, and now, if he wins the race, wants to donate all the proceeds to the soldiers. By the way, did he mention that he fought in the war?

In Peru, teams had to make their way to Plaza De Armus to receive their next clue. Debbie and Bianca immediately bonded with Patrick and Susan, although their reasoning was a bit odd. Apparently Patrick looked a lot like Debbie’s first boyfriend, and well, that’s good enough to establish trust! Hey, that old homeless woman has gray hair like my grandmother. She must make awesome matzoh ball soup!

Aided by Debbie’s fluency in Spanish, the two teams took an early lead and advanced to the next clue which had them take a bus to a town called Playa Hermosa, ride a rickshaw to a beach, then search three piles of sand for tickets to flights leaving at three different times. You know the drill – three piles, three times, try to get the earliest flight, yada yada yada. While the lifelong friends and the mother/son team zipped off for more adventure, the rest of the teams arriving on the first flight meandered through the streets of Lima, desperately trying to find the clue box. Ron, for one, was mildly disappointed with the city. Peru “looks like downtown Baghdad,” he said. Hey Ron, tell us about how you were a POW again. THANKS.

Soon the second flight of racers arrived, and luckily for Rob and Amber, some American who recognized them from Survivor and just so happened to be Mr. Peruvian Knowledge 2005, aided them with taxis, shuttles, and buses, ultimately resulting in the couple eclipsing nearly everyone and catching up with the first two teams. “We’ve got all of Peru working for us!” exclaimed Rob happily. Yeah, all of Peru. Or at least those paid by CBS to ensure the reality veterans/gimmicks don’t get eliminated after the first two episodes (what’s up, Alison and Donny!).

On the bus to Playa Hermosa, Debbie and Bianca fretted about competition from Ramber. “I’ve watched Survivor. He’s really as dumb as a rock. He can’t put a sentence together,” Patrick said. Oh this is great. We’re already getting rivalries. It’s too bad Rob wasn’t there to defend himself though. I’m sure it would have been a well articulated response like “Nice hair, fruit loop. Did you hear that Amba? I said ‘Nice hair, fruit loop.’”

Back in Lima, teams still struggled to find a bus to Playa Hermosa. Not even the aid of a random guy doing capoeira could help these people out. Finally they found proper transport, and in his excitement to board the bus, Meredith took a spill on the sidewalk. Ah yes. It’s not an Amazing Race premiere without an old guy falling over.

Patrick, Susan, Debbie, and Bianca arrived at Playa Hermosa first, although not before nearly leveling some little girl with a rickshaw. Luckily, Debbie and Bianca’s various experiences with rollerskates and tube tops prepared them for catastrophic incidents, and they managed to shout “GET OUT OF THE WAY!” in just the nick of time. Bianca then kissed Debbie on the cheek for about the twentieth time this episode.

Anyway, the available flights in the sand were 6:00 AM, 7:00 AM, and 7:40 AM. Team Devious and Team Rollerskates snagged two of the three early tickets and then took a seat to watch Ramber battle it out with Ray and Deana (who had since caught up) for the last 6:00 AM flight. Of course the Survivors won. Heidi and Megan arrived soon after and simply began digging in the 7:40 pile because it was the first one they had encountered. In a nifty bit of group psychology/stupidity, several teams saw the girls shoveling away and assumed they were digging for the earliest possible tickets. As a result, there was a sudden competition for the worst flight possible, and I rolled my eyes back in ecstasy as i once again remembered how wonderful this show could be.

Watching the racers dig through the piles, I was immediately thankful that Ron didn’t babble about how the sands of the beach reminded him of the dry terrain of Iraq. I did notice that he and his girlfriend wore a matching ensemble piece though. I wonder what inspired them. “When I was a soldier, we always wore matching uniforms—” Never mind…

After everyone had procured flight tickets, they spent the night around a campfire on the beach. Rob gushed that sitting around the campfire made him think he was back on Survivor again. I guess he would know, considering he’s been on TWICE. Shut up, Rob.

Around this time we paused for a commercial break, and suddenly manna from heaven descended on America as CBS unveiled its latest made-for-TV movie, SHARK ATTACK SPRING BREAK starring Shannon Lucio (Lindsay) from The OC. Wow. That looks terrible. I am so there.

Back on the Race, teams flew up to the high country of Peru where Patrick asked Bianca, “Do you feel weird?” Yeah, it’s almost like there’s less oxygen up in the mountains or something. WEIRD. Anyway, teams had to travel up to a small mountain town and find a dapper young fella named Philippe in a tiny Coca Cola shack. Man. I knew Coke sponsored the “Red Room” on American Idol, but do they really need to brand Philippe’s snack bar? I guess once Pepé opened up his Pepsi Twist juice stand, the war was on.

Anyway, Philippe handed over clues for the next event which was taking two ziplines across a major gorge. Fun times. Bianca, Debbie, Susan, and Patrick all completed this challenge with minimal difficulty and received their Detour instructions. Teams could either rope a llama (insert footage of a llama spitting) or rope a basket (insert footage of a basket spitting). Bianca, Debbie, Susan, and Patrick opted for the llamas which they were to chorale into a pen. After the stubborn beasts proved to be too much of a nuisance for the Southern gals, the ladies opted for the basket challenge which had them transporting thirty five pounds of alfalfa on their backs. Why is alfalfa such a funny word? And why is llama such a funny word too? Man, Peru, you crack me up.

Nevertheless, the various teams all arrived and took on the challenges without incident for the most part. I enjoyed Alex and Lynn’s impromptu song “We are racing in Peru”, but then again, I was taken to bouts of laughter at a lot of their Nathan Lane-ish schtick. Lynn, for one, seemed to be in a constant state of shock as he would frequently exclaim “Oh my god!” at the sight of a pebble or a blade of grass. Gretchen and Meredith meanwhile filled me with immense joy with their notable quotables, ranging from the predictable “GERONIMO!” call during the zipline to Gretchen’s seminal comment “This is what the kids call a wedgie!” We’ll be hard pressed to top that quote this season. Also impressive was Chuck who seemed to take out half the mountainside when his butt dragged along the ground with the zipline. Preparation H, we have your new spokesman.

Most teams seemed to get through the Detour easily enough. Gretchen and Meredith excelled with the llamas, and the models, despite some hijinx with their baskets, transported their alfalfa easily enough. The only one who seemed to have a truly difficult time was Deana who managed to choke herself with the basket rope around her neck. Hmmm… Maybe you should look into putting the basket down? Or maybe don’t strap the rope directly around your neck? Or maybe don’t be such a huge idiot? Yeah, that’s probably what it is.

Deana struggles to figure out why pulling the rope around her neck is strangling her.

Nevertheless, after the detour, teams took a delivery truck down to a market to find their next clue. Susan and Patrick diabolically agreed to help out Ramber, but only to afford them the opportunity to betray them later in the game. Why, these two are devious! (Extending pinky to the corner of my mouth…) Susan then revealed that she planned to tell Rob that his shorts were on fire, and then when he looks down at them, she would say “Now it’s out.” She’s got all sorts of tricks up her sleeve!

In the end, Debbie and Bianca managed to snag first place, and instead of the usual trip to Mexico, they actually won $10,000 off the bat. First purchase: diamond studded rollerskates. Susan and Patrick popped up in second place followed by Rob and Amber. The Bandana Brothers took fourth, followed by Lynn and Alex, Meredith and Gretchen, Ray and Deana, and Uchenna and Joyce. In the end, the POW, the Paris Hiltons, and the hefty rednecks sprinted for the Pitstop. Amazingly, the gals placed ninth, and in a heartbreaking ending, Ryan and Chuck came in only mere seconds behind Ron and Kelly. Yes, the bland, gimmicky casting couple stayed while the funny, interesting dudes were sent packing to an Early Show demise. The two guys choked back tears as they reasserted that the most important prize was having a best friend. C’mon. Don’t be such softies (please pass the tissues, I’m bawling over here).

What did you think about this premiere? How great are these teams? Did you like my loaded question?

Comments (44)
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44 Comments

1

flush it all away

Posted March 2, 2005 at 4:38 pm

great job as always, b-side.

I really wish CBS would’ve held off on this. The Amazing Race is heading down the same road as Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?–overkill. People should have time to get over the last season and get excited for the new one, instead of having it plopped on their laps immediately.

It’s like, “Hey, who are these people? Where are the wrestlers? Wait…they started another season? Is the old one even over yet?”
2

mattie

Posted March 2, 2005 at 4:43 pm

what? no dating models/dating actors/actors/models/engaged models?

“we are running in peru” has nothing on “new york jews in iceland.”
3

LizLovesTARgasm

Posted March 2, 2005 at 5:11 pm

Great recap as usual B-side. However, you missed noting a critical point when you mentioned the Rollerskating Lesbian/Patrick convo and how he looked a lot like Debbie’s first boyfriend. His response to that was something to the effect of “well, did he turn gay too?” Zinger….cut to Mom and her look of detest. Too funny!
4

VOO

Posted March 2, 2005 at 5:27 pm

As usual, hilarious recap. I LOVE lynn/alex. This show needs a sense of humor after team JV. Is Lynn the same guy as the Intern from Jay Leno? Hating team A-Rob. And someone please help me out: Did the Southern guys LET Ron/beauty girl win?
5

jaded

Posted March 2, 2005 at 5:40 pm

Favourite line of the night: Mui Caliento!

Favourite scene: That random dog looking on from a rooftop!

It’s gonna be a great season!!
6

melg

Posted March 2, 2005 at 5:47 pm

Great recap…but GALLDARNIT!! I was sad to see Ryan/Chuck go. They were a goodtime. I’m hoping to see Rob and the Karate Kid get into it sometime soon. I know that they didn’t spend much time around each other, but both of them need their a**es handed to them. And how long will it be until Debbie and Bianca have their commitment ceremony?
7

Alohaguy

Posted March 2, 2005 at 6:08 pm

I loved when Lynn was trying to hurry one of the drivers and said “mui,”mui,” “mui.” And then paused, looked at the camera and said “What am I saying? “very, very very”….
8

mikey

Posted March 2, 2005 at 6:54 pm

Always excited for a new season, so I’m a very happy guy today.

BUT, one line that drove me up a wall:

During Phil’s explanation of the rules in Long Beach, he explained that the teams were “on their own” to figure out how to get from Long Beach to Peru. Then, when they get their clues, the teams are told they have the cars available AND that they have one of two flights they have to take.

How is this “figuring it out on their own”?!

Hopefully this was just to give everyone a fair start “Â and won’t be repeated again this season with the egregious stacking-up of teams that kept happening 3 times per episode every time last season.
9

snarkyM

Posted March 2, 2005 at 7:09 pm

by no means am I looking to this site for a bastion of inclusivity, but being gay man… I guess your comment makes us all “ladies”… thanks for being a part of the problem…

“That’s not to say there’s no eye-candy this time around. Roommates Megan and Heidi quickly top the list of hottest Amazing Race women while brothers Brian and Greg offer a little somethin’ for the ladies.”
10

B-Side

Posted March 2, 2005 at 7:31 pm

SnarkyM – I was actually going to write “somethin’ for the ladies and gay men,’ but it was wordy and then i thought i had to write something about Heidi and Megan’s appeal to lesbians too, and I thought, it’s okay. I’m sure no one will really care too much if I just keep this simple and use a common expression. Surely people aren’t THAT sensitive.

But in the interest of making sure that everyone feels welcome at TVgasm, let it be known that we officially believe that Brian and Greg offer a little somethin’ for the ladies AND the gay men.

Thanks for being part of the solution!
11

coolteechur

Posted March 2, 2005 at 7:42 pm

What’s with the bandanas this season? Every team has a different color. check it out next week. Are they trying to move into survivor territory, will we be subjected to “buy your favorite team’s bandana” commercials come week 8 and beyond?
12

coolteechur

Posted March 2, 2005 at 7:43 pm

What’s with the bandanas this season? Every team has a different color. check it out next week. Are they trying to move into survivor territory, will we be subjected to “buy your favorite team’s bandana” commercials come week 8 and beyond?
13

mick

Posted March 2, 2005 at 8:07 pm

B-Side…I didn’t know what I looked forward to more…the new season starting or the recaps that would bring a smile to my face like Sedaris does. My problem last night was with Patrick’s obsession with Rob/Amber; whom I feel were quite affable. Every comment out of this kids mouth was about getting rid of them. He should concentrate on the race and not consume himself with his “devious ways.” Why come with an agenda? He reminded me of that jackass Wendy Pepper from Project Runway.
14

B-Side

Posted March 2, 2005 at 9:14 pm

Mick – most likely that was an incident of editing. I’m sure the producers are building up a rivalry, which I personally love.
15

Megan

Posted March 2, 2005 at 9:14 pm

My favorite part of the episode might’ve been when Rob said they were sure to win the million but that if they didn’t, it was okay because they had already won a million! Cut to Amber laughing uncomfortably as she refrains from telling Rob that his ass came in second place.
16

Pat

Posted March 2, 2005 at 9:45 pm

You know, if you were allowed to marry TV shows, I would marry this one because I am in love with it. It’s one of the best shows on television and this premire proved that for me.

Yes it was a little drawn out (I looked at the clock at 10:20 and was thinking, alright already, let’s get a move on here) but amazing. I don’t think they’re gonna kill the show by putting it close together- the ratings picked up almost exactly where they ended- I think it was about the right of time between the seasons, maybe another week or two.

I’m loving the cast already and Team Devious as well as Weho have found a place at the top of my list of favorites already.

Amazing recap, as usual- looking forward to the rest of this season!

P.S.- I had a thought- what about the Emmy this year? Can both seasons be submitted? How’s that gonna work?
17

jack

Posted March 3, 2005 at 6:06 am

how cool are the old folks? i loved that little exchange in the cab as they were passing the other teams:

lynn- well, it is a race, after all.
meredith- it most certainly is.

and i, for one, am glad to see b-rob and amba in the field. rob is a born con man and a cut-throat competitor. he will keep things lively, and barring a concerted effort by the other teams to oust them from the game, i’d give rob and amba good odds to take the whole thing. nevermind the accent, the goofy one-liners (‘holy cannoli!’), and the “‘a’ is for amba” sharpie tattoo–rob is no idiot, and takes devious pleasure in dispensing with those who underestimate him. sure, amba is pretty much just along for the ride, but she’s a lot easier to look at when she has access to makeup and regular meals.

too bad for the country boys, but you knew the producers weren’t going to let go of the POW-beauty queen demographic in the premiere.
18

Elvis

Posted March 3, 2005 at 7:03 am

Excellent recap.

Okay, this episode had me thinking about the following question:

“How far can any team really go in screwing up another team’s chances of winning?”

Most of the teams seem to be out to get Rob and Amber out of the race. However, beyond the rare chance to use a yield what can any of the teams REALLY do to them to get them to be last at the pit stop?

My girlfriend and I were discussing this and we had a couple of thought and we realized if you fall victim to another team’s “devious plans” you’re a moron and it’s your own fault.

One way to “lose” is if you’re “misled” by another team… however…

You can ONLY be misled by another team if you haven’t figured out ON YOUR OWN what you should be doing or where you should be going.

The Amazing Race is amazing simply because outside of “luck” (such as with vehicles/cabs and traffic) the race is up to your team’s ability (or lack thereof). If you’re relying on another team, you’re only as strong as they are (which is how/why I hope the mother and son bite it early, they’re riding coattails).

The teams shouldn’t rely on one another — alliances for or against any other team are a waste of time. Even when a team has their money taken from them it has been shown that a team can easily get it back by appealing to natives and not their fellow racers.

The only factor I could see working in an alliance against Rob and Amber would be pure psychological stress. The race is pretty hard and usually involves lack of sleep/rest. Most teams crack at some point and start snapping at each other, adding in the isolation of having all the other teams hate your guts and (presumably) not speaking to you/sharing comraderie during breaks *might* have an effect on your stress level.

Although, in Rob and Amber’s case, they have shown they can deal with backstabbing/lying/stress fairly well while having had to live in closer quarters than the race (and for a longer time). It may just roll off their backs.

Basically, I think people are going to waste their time trying to foil anyone else… I haven’t seen any other team in the past *truly* screw another team that didn’t *earn* being screwed by being too reliant on another team’s “generosity.” It will backfire.

Thoughts?
19

KIrby

Posted March 3, 2005 at 7:58 am

I agree that Patrick has a weird obsession with Rob and Amber. Let it go and run the race, kid.

I loved that the rednecks kept calling Lynn and Alex the “happy boys”. We happy boys appreciate the euphamism.

I like Rob & Amber and I loved how slow and calm they wer ein LA. Rob even wanted to stop for food on the way to the airport.
20

Eddiebosox

Posted March 3, 2005 at 8:06 am

Hilarious as always B-side.

My impressions…

First, Rob and slammin Ambah are the GOOD kind of media hoo-ahs. They threw in there obligatory “boy this aint like suhvivah!” jokes and then got on with business. But they are undeniably good competitors. And “Holy Canoli’s” is my new catchphrase along with Tyra Banks “Fierce”.

ANd, as always… Go Sox.

I have to admit,while I don’t necessarily approve of stereotypes, I do find them funny. So bring on Lynn and Alex! They make Brandon from Survivor Africa Look like Micheal Skupin.

Imagine young versions of Charles Nelson Reilly And Rip Taylor and you pretty much get the idea with these two. Hello Frisco! For some reason I can do a great impression of them.

Megan and Heidi are a quandary. Both undeniably hot, they bill themselves as roommates, until you look at Heidi’s profile where she describes herself as a stay at home mom. Huh?

Once again CBS shows us how in on the joke they are by introducing resident fat hicks Ryan and Chuck. With cornpole inbred accents so thick, we get subtitles. Thank you CBS. Thank you.

Old dues name is Meredith.

Brian and Greg, the self described “goofballs” were instantly christened “orange bandana guys” by me and my friend (The way Jonathan was dubbed “blue hair guy” at the beginning of last season, before it was changed to “media whore wife beater”). They not only wear orange (or is it a gates like Saffron?) bandanas, they have spares hanging from there backpacks. Its ON!

POW guy and beauty queen. Lets get something straight. She hasn’t been a beauty queen since 2002, and it shows. Baby got back. And POW garnered my immediate hate by playing the “I was a POW” card right out of the gate. “Hey nice to meet you. This should be a fun race. I was a POW in IRAQ”. That was pretty much how he introduces himself to other players. You could just see him pausing while waiting for the “wow , man, that’s so incredible, you’re so awesome!” responses.

I imagine he must do this every day. At the store “Charmin on sale! Boy, for a former POW, its things like that that really make youre day!” Reading a magazine. “As a former POW, I am now going to turn the page to continue reading this article!” What a dooshebahg (yes, I spelled it wrong. Its a thing with me)

And notice his job description. “Motivational Speaker”. So essentially hes using this one experience of him not doing his job and getting caught, and milking it like a freaking media whore. Well, hey, this IS reality TV!

Uchenne and Joyce were entertaining in that Joyce looks like a pug.

What was that magic altitude drink they all had?

Those llamas were antsy little shits. Im not what the rules were. But I would’ve grabbed them by the hind legs and dragged there a$$es to the stall. Aint no Llama spittin on me.
21

SaveFerris

Posted March 3, 2005 at 8:18 am

Great Recap. Funny how obsessed the Virginia gals and Mother/son seem to be with Rob and Amber, who I think come across likeable.

I too was hoping that John Kerry (who btw served in Vietnam and is boring), err, Ron (whot btw served in Iraq and is boring) and the pageant queen would be elimiated as they seem to add nothing to the mix
22

Plumes

Posted March 3, 2005 at 8:23 am

Holy Canolli, these short camels just spit on me.

Love the show, love the recap…. Life is good !!!

Too bad the Hillbillies are gone.. would have been great to see them take on the OppositeSex challenged and BBQ their asses…
23

J-Unit

Posted March 3, 2005 at 8:23 am

Sorry to interrupt this Rob and Amber lovefest, but they have both already had their time in the spotlight – TWICE! And I’m sorry, but it leaves too much possibility for the producers to interfere with the show. I think Rob and Amber were so relaxed because they knew the producers weren’t going to let them depart so early – their presence is too much a part of this current season. (And before you think I just hate them, I was one of always in the Amber camp ever since she was on Survivor Outback.)

I think the most important reason that I am against people taking up a seond season of a reality show, or in Rob and Amber’s case, the fourth time we have seen at least one of them on a reality show, is that they are taking the place of a potentially much more interesting team. We alredy know the Rob and Amber schtick, could you imagine if the producers picked them over a team like Lori and Bolo? Colin and Christie? You can say maybe they replaced a sucky team like Avi and Joe, but you just never know.

The Amazing Race has stayed strong because they don’t try to out-gimmick themselves every year with forced twists and special appearances. No matter how good it seems now, they will eventually pick a sucky gimmick and we will have ourselves to blame for not putting an end to it sooner.

Eddieboox,

The magic altitude drink is nothing but tea made from coca leaves (yes, as in cocaine). It has been used for centuries by people in the Andes for the same purpose, but they usually chew them sort of like tobacco (i.e. without swallowing).
24

Marbacca

Posted March 3, 2005 at 8:50 am

Great recap! I was so looking forward to my little show, but probably more to your wacky recaps! Now, in a paradoxical twist, while I hated Rob on Survivor (even though I had to give him credit for his plan) I am actually pulling for those two. Call me crazy.

Someone said earlier about how you can only get screwed by another team if you are too stupid to allow yourself to be (in so many words). I totally agree. And what was the deal with the herd of contestants wandering aimlessly around the streets of Lima? I wanted to kick my TV in at the sheer stupidity of that many people!

I wonder how many times Ramber will get ahead in the game due solely to the fact that some random American traveling in *insert far away place here* recognizes them and helps them?

Ahhhhh, good times and noodle salad…
25

DH

Posted March 3, 2005 at 9:00 am

how many gay couples can you get on one show, this is so over done.
26

Michael

Posted March 3, 2005 at 9:20 am

I laughed at the time, but had completely forgotten about Phil’s precipitously arched eyebrow. It just kept going up. I started to fear for his health.
27

Catie

Posted March 3, 2005 at 9:35 am

After the tragic ending of Amazing Race 6, I didn’t think I would be able to ever watch again. Luckily, I decided to watch the beginning before declaring the show dead to me… Once I saw Phil’s raised eyebrow, I knew I had to watch again. I may not be on board for season 8 though. I was already not into the idea of a family Race, but now I’ve seen the application and children as young as 8 can apply. I think I’ll pass. (But I’ll probably still read your recaps!)

As always, I laughed uncontrollably at your recap and my co-workers probably think I’m insane. In fact, I had to take a break reading it halfway because the tears from laughing so hard were obscuring my view of the screen. I love you B-Side.

Here are a few choice things I noticed on the Amazing Race CBS site:

Ep 1: Long Beach, USA to Cuzco, Peru

Drink the Tea – 2:50
From the starting line in Long Beach, California, Phil has traveled to Miami and on to Lima, Peru. He learns the importance of drinking Yerba Mate tea to combat altitude sickness in Lima.

Detour in the Andes – 3:44
At the Detour spot, Phil bonds with some shy llamas and gets a look at the ruins at Pisac. He’s still drinking that tea. As he gazes down into the sweeping valley, he spies a solitary man strolling along a path, playing Pan pipes.

Inca Roca – 3:39
Always a few hours ahead of the Teams, Phil checks into the first Pit Stop on THE AMAZING RACE 7, La Merced church in Cuzco, Peru. We meet Inca Roca, Cuzco’s greeter, resplendent in a colorful Inca costume.

I love the thought of Phil bonding with llamas. Where is the footage for that?

What is Phil Keoghan’s secret to staying refreshed and healthy?
Traveling the entire length of the racecourse is demanding enough, but staying ahead of the Teams can be exhausting. Because of this, host Phil Keoghan keeps to a very strict regimen, eating as healthily as the locations allow and abstaining from alcohol for the duration of the Race. Exercise is also very important. If his hotel has a gym, Phil will do a workout there; if not, he will jog. Phil has also been known to convert a train compartment into a personal gymnasium, doing chin-ups while hanging from the luggage racks and push-ups while balancing across the compartment’s two bench seats. To relax, Phil listens to a wide range of music that he’s downloaded into his ever-present iPod.
28

Genevieve

Posted March 3, 2005 at 10:04 am

2 funniest lines here:
“Hey camera. Maybe you’d like to get some drinks with me tonight. Afterwards, I’ll show you my collection of turtlenecks. Then, anything goes.”
&
Susan then revealed that she planned to tell Rob that his shorts were on fire, and then when he looks down at them, she would say “Now it’s out.”

I think Debbie and Bianca have a secret love affair going on. They were just so lovey dovey.

Alohaguy, I was going to say that too. Funny moment of the night, the mui, mui, mui.

Hey, DH, there is ONE gay couple on the show & ONE gay kid. Get over it!
29

Dave

Posted March 3, 2005 at 12:01 pm

Nice to see that Ray and Deana have taken on the mantle of overbearing guy and cringing woman that Jonathan and Victoria wore last season.
My bet is that the shrill and whiny catchphrase of “Vic-toooo-ria” will be replaced with a gruff “Suck it up!”

Also, glad that there’s a huge drop in the dating model/actor category…hopefully we will see a corresponding drop in the overuse of “Go, baby!” and “Good job, baby!”
30

Zeldar

Posted March 3, 2005 at 1:25 pm

Very disappointed in all of you. No one has mentioned/noticed that mandana wearing brother, Brian was on a Christmas episode of Fear Factor a year or so ago. It took me until about an hour or so into the episode to figure it out. I sat there the whole time going “Where have I seen this guy?” Then it hit me. In case you saw it (or not) he had to eat some animals penis in 20 minutes or less. The whole time he was eating, he kept running his mouth and trying to be funny. He ate the thing in about 20 minutes and 2 seconds and then when he was told he failed, he pitched a little hissy fit at which Joe Rogan and the other contestants just basically laughed at him. My question is, what are the chances that some “regular” person gets on two reality shows within roughly a year or so of each other? Is there some Reality Show employment office where “regular” people just mill around all day waiting for some producer to come pick them out? Seems kinda fishy. LOVE THE RECAPS!!!
31

snazzybangs

Posted March 3, 2005 at 3:07 pm

ok, i AM a native english speaker, but did anyone else have to rewind (more than once) everything that the hillbilly guys said? and THEN the one of them says, “i think my knowledge of portuguese will help us in this race because its so close to spanish.” jigga what?? who knew they were so knowledgeable! the whole rest of the show i spent trying to figure out if they really were speaking english or if they were speaking a mangled portuguese/spanish/english combo…
32

Jenn

Posted March 3, 2005 at 8:15 pm

Thank you Zeldar! I have been trying since the episode aired to figure out where I had seen Brian before!

I’m totally loving Lynn and Alex, my new desktop background is that pic of Lynn with the lamb (thanks for that)
33

Lisa

Posted March 3, 2005 at 10:14 pm

I will agree with Jenn. Thank you Zeldar. I knew he looked familiar. Remember that whatever he ate was covered in ants yet it didn’t look as gross as what the other people had to eat.

Also, I couldn’t help but notice that Rob called Ambah “Honey”. I wonder if this is going to be anything like last season when everyone called everyone “Baby” and “Babe”.
34

Ophepan

Posted March 4, 2005 at 4:28 am

Did anyone notice that Lynn and Alex didn’t take the rickshaw? Will they get penalized for that?

My favorite line:
As a result, there was a sudden competition for the worst flight possible, and I rolled my eyes back in ecstasy as i once again remembered how wonderful this show could be.
35

drew

Posted March 4, 2005 at 8:45 am

Uchenna & Joyce declaring their advantage in knowing the way to the airport struck me as odd. I assume that everyone in the game didn’t WALK to Long Beach from wherever they’re from, so I can reasonably assume that all teams had been to LAX at some point in their lives, like the day before.
36

drew

Posted March 4, 2005 at 8:56 am

My favorite moment was when one of the Bandana brothers shouted at some random Peruvian kid: “Don’t do drugs”. Classic.
37

jaimie

Posted March 4, 2005 at 9:11 am

Did anyone else think that Deana & Ray were a little reminescent of Jon & Victoria only a little milder, especially when he kept telling Deana to “suck it up!”

I kept saying that Bianca and Debbie have to be lesbians, with all the “I love you” and kisses, I think that the brothers noticed too when at the airport after Bianca kissed Debbie, one brother said to the other “do you notice those two?”

well, I was very disappointed in the POW and his beauty queen. I thought they’d do a lot better.

Looking forward to more episodes and more recaps!
38

maxhedrum

Posted March 4, 2005 at 10:55 am

Favorite line from Ryan: “It’s time to load-test this line”. Cut to Chuck’s rump roast getting dermabraded as the zip line strained under his fleshy weight. He’s probably still hovering when he poops!

Next favorite: Moo-ey Caliento! I just love it when someone adds a syllable to a word!
39

b-side

Posted March 4, 2005 at 11:11 am

Lynn and Alex were in a motorized rickshaw which still counts – and yes, I looked it up.
40

SusieQ

Posted March 4, 2005 at 1:39 pm

Call me crazy, but I like having Rob and Amber on the show. They are strong competitors, and they have to overcome the preconceived ideas and dislike for them that the other teams all seem to have. Sure they’ve already won money, but some of the other racers seem to have forgotten that AR is about skill and results, not who needs or “deserves” to win. I hope A-Rob, as I hear them called, are around for most, if not all, of this Race.
41

BrownEyedGuy

Posted March 4, 2005 at 2:14 pm

Actually, I was expecting the POW to be eliminated first … since most of our POWs were the incompetent troops that couldn’t read a map. The competent ones who actually won the war will NEVER be seen on television.
42

jack

Posted March 7, 2005 at 1:14 pm

geez, brown-eyed dude, ease up a little. first off, no need to bash even the less savvy of our ladies and gents in uniform. the whole iraq mess certainly wasn’t their idea. secondly, Ron, the POW contestant on AR, was taken prisoner after the black hawk helicopter he was flying got shot down. there are a lot of none-too-brilliant types in the service, but they usually aren’t entrusted with flying 2 million dollar helicopters. as for the map reading skills, i guess he just got too used to state-of-the-art radar and GPS systems.
43

lisa stern

Posted March 7, 2005 at 8:01 pm

I hate to say it but I mis Jonathan and Victoria. Yes i said so there…………
44

TexasK

Posted March 7, 2005 at 9:17 pm

Remember season 2 anyone, with the Cha Chas and Will and Tara? It was the BEST season EVER of Amazing Race. And I have high hopes for this one, but mostly because they finally cast another gay couple with a friggin’ sense of humor. Hoorah!

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