Between team ASL and Marlee Matlin, Sunday nights are pretty deaf. Ya heard? Oh, I’m sorry, perhaps you hadn’t heard. Berry’s almost deaf and I have selective hearing so we’re in the same boat.
Since all the teams are STILL RACING, we have the same cast of characters as we had last week. But here they are in case you forgot:
Team ASL (Margie & Luke)
Asian Daddy Issues (Ron & Christina)
CaucAsian Daddy Issues (Gary & Mallory)
Globetrotters (Flight Time & Big Easy)
Merry Christmas from our family to yours!
Fake Trotters (Zevmer Fudd & Justin)
Sexy Redheads (Ariel & Jessica Rabbit)
Team Edward (Kent & Vyxsin)
Team Peepants (Jen & Kisha)
Brokeback (Jet & Cord)
Our suspenseful cliffhanger last week was that Team Edward was on their way to catch up with everyone until they realized they’d forgotten their fanny pack on the gondola. Vyx,”I really hope it’s not on the gondola because we’re never gonna see that bag again.” Really? Is the gondola’s 3rd stop a black hole? They’re both showing overly sufficient emotion for “dating goths.”
Fake Trotters check in with Phil and find out they’re STILL RACING!! They are exhausted. We find out that, “The teams have to go to Dounan Flower Market and search for their next clue.” ALSO BE FOREWARNED! A DOUBLE U-TURN LIES AHEAD! A double u-turn? Why don’t they just call it a W-Turn (comedy drum sound)! Zevmer & Justin waddle off, but Phil threatens/inspires them, “You better get movin!” To which Justin replies, “yeah, we know.”
This guy looks like he works for the Dharma initiative, after the explosion.
Team Edward gets their fanny pack back from the Sarlacc pit. Vyx: ”There’s like some sort of screws loose up here in our mind.” Kent rolls his eyes as if to say, “OUR mind!?! Girl, I’m gonna cast a curse on your pink-pubed ass.” They go off to hammer some candy.
Meanwhile Team ASL finds out that the train to the flower market doesn’t leave until 7pm. So they’ll all be on the same train. Ah, the train/plane schedule, the great equalizer in a race around the world.
Team Edward finally gets to Phil, he sternly tells them that the good news is that they are still racing, but the bad news is that they will have a 30 min penalty at the actual pitstop for not getting on the mandatory AR sanctioned plane from Japan to China, from like 7 episodes ago. While Phil is explaining, the Chinese girl next to him is shaking her head with shame for them.
“Team Edward, it’s not that we’re mad, we’re just disappointed.”
Team Edward takes off to the train station and Phil calls after them, “Give it everything you got guys! Go hard guys! Still got a chance.” He was just singing lyrics from his new, house music demo CD. In the cab Kent says that they’re not going to tell any other teams about their penalty because they suspect that they’ll be targeted for the W-Turn.
Cut back to the train station, they are all sitting around. The Globetrotters have a basketball, and wouldn’t you know it, Jet saw a “basketball goal”!! Thusly a basketball game was born.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Jet, Flight Time and Kisha took on Cord, Jen and Big Easy. And the cheerleaders cheer! And Mallory does some weird hand clap thing! And Chinese men look on. What a happy moment for everyone involved. Except maybe for Luke, he didn’t look impressed. Fake Trotters arrive to warn everyone that Team Edward is on their tails. “The Gothic British are coming!!!”
OMG! OMG stands for “Oh my gravy”?! I thought it was, “Oh my grandma.”
Kent & Vyxsin approach the train station. Oh my gravy they caught up!! “They’re gonna have some explaining to do,” someone vehemently whispers. People are acting all Lord of the Flies about Team Edward being there. They are all PISSED!
Enter Ron & Christina, eating. Oh yeah Ron! We were wondering why this episode hasn’t fully annoyed us yet!
Onboard the train are triple bunk beds! Fake Trotters take the highest option because there’s less chance for murder. Oh I get it, they’re making an Orient Express joke. Or are they trying to warn us that Zevmer Fudd is a sleep murderer and the only thing that can stop him from his nightly sleep killing sprees is height. I bet it’s the first one, but Berry bets it’s the second.
“Just doing what we do best, avoidin’ murder!”
Once they pull into Kunming they hop in cabs and race to the flower market.
Asian Daddy Issues speak Chinese to the cab driver. Fake Trotters are tailing them. Sexy Redheads mention the dreaded W-Turn to remind us how dramatic this is. And Team Edward brings up the W-Turn just to reiterate.
Peepants finds the clue first, to go to the Golden Arches. Something other than McDonald’s is referred to as The Golden Arches!? China truly is a mystery.
Uh oh! Brokeback took the Globetrotters cab! It makes the Globetrotters so mad that one accidentally called the other by his real human man name, Nate.
DETOUR!!! Honor Past or Embrace Future! In Honor Past teams must watch a traditional Tibetan fashion show, then use dolls that represent each of the models and put them in the order they walked on stage. OR in Embrace Future they have to haul solar panels up to a roof and correctly install them.
“…..and this Doozer will hand you your next clue.”
Brokeback and White Daddy Issues went to McDonald’s. Hahaha. We so would have done that! Been meaning to try one of those McLobster buns.
ASL thinks the solar panel thing will be an easier task, but they have no strength or patience, so this should be fun to watch. And also soothing to the ear. NOT!
All rise for the honorable Emperor Daddy!
Over at Honor Past, Ron lies, “I never played with dolls.” Oh, you know the way he said that he was lying! He has a shoe box under his bed with all sorts of Barbies! Just like Berry!
The Redheads and Team Edward choose Embrace Future. Vyxsin is freaking us out because she looks so so so different every time we see her!! This episode she’s rocking the no-eyebrow Kent-voice thing. Or perhaps China is bringing out the mystery in everyone!
White Daddy Issues & Brokeback get to the clue box. Gary & Mallory go for the “mental one.” And Brokeback’s all physical baby!!
Fake Trotters, Asian Daddy issues and Peepants are neck and neck until Fake Trotters pull ahead and get the next clue first!
“Stop at that McDonald’s up there, we need to use the bathroom.”
Next, they have to go to to the place pictured in the picture which is the Chinese Minority Heritage Center. Um, excuse me but what exactly is the minority in China? And don’t you forget precious audience member, there is a deadly W-Turn ahead! Who will come out alive? No one knows!!!! A W-Turn is where two teams can slow down 2 other teams by forcing them to complete the other task in the detour.
Team Edward is collapsing in on itself. This time Kent is done in. Vyx is yelling, “Kent, just put it in!” Kent, “I can’t.” A typical night with the Dating Goths, America!
Asian Daddy Issues, Peepants and Fake Trotters arrive…….somewhere? Ron gets out of the cab and slams the door on Christina. What a gentleman. They are somewhere where they are running through mist and weaving through elderly Chinese doing tai chi. It’s creepy. It’s like a zombie video game. So Christina led them to the wrong place. Well, I guess technically her cab driver did. They get back in the cabs again and they’re all on their way to the REAL Chinese Minority Heritage Center.
In this roadblock teams must successfully kill a zombie. Once they’ve completely mutilated the undead corpse they’ll receive their next clue…..from this man, who will eat your brains.
And so, ASL got to the W-Turn first. They chose not to U turn anyone b/c they believe they are in 1st place. And they are.
“I can hold my solar panels jissst fine!”
Teams must travel outside of Kunming to the Stone Forest where they’ll find their next clue.
Team Edward get to the W-Turn a hair before The Redheads. A neon dyed hair. There is a lot of commotion of who is going to U-turn whom. In a sneak attack Kent U-Turns the Redheads! Whoa! He U-Turned them right to their faces! Their gorgeous pale faces. Vyx explains that the last time they did this show they accidentally U-Turned a team that was ahead of them. By U-Turning the Redheads, they at least knew that they were BEHIND them. Kent, “Putting a bullet in a playboy bunny was the only thing that was going to save us.”
“I love magic shows!”
U-Turn. Now’s the time for the W-Turn!! Redheads U-Turn The Globetrotters. Lucky for the Redheads they already did the hard task, now they breeze through the cultural doll line up. Fashion show stuff is right up their alley.
Globetrotters head to the Tibetan fashion show. As they put the dolls in order they call out the names of how they remembered them, “Mop, Skunk, White, Bucket Head, Red Bell and Her.” Wait a minute, they’re naming their new Globetrotter team! The Tibetan Globetrotters! They also finished this task very quickly, or at least that’s what the editors want us to think!!
Redheads have to stop and get gas and we are reminded that that happened to them before. The teams race to the Stone Forest. Fake Trotters are nervous because they are following White Daddy Issues who still have an express pass that they earned in the 1st episode.
Running on empty.
Ah, majestic Stone Forest. Who’s ready for a task 65 million years in the making? Are they talking about Berry and I’s upcoming wedding anniversary? Here at the Stone Forest paleontologists have unearthed the oldest and largest dinosaur fossils. Going along with that theme, teams must put together a life sized dinosaur, a 20 foot tall dilophosaurus?! Sheeeeeeeeitt, Jurassic Park had it way wrong! Those things were only the size of 1 Dennis Nedry in that movie. Maybe they were preemies.
Peepants is in the lead followed by ASL and Asian Daddy. Christina really thoroughly talks to herself. We’d like to think that it’s just for the camera, but come on she probably talks out every step of everything at home, too. Thankfully she doesn’t use our laundromat.
Vyx and Kent arrive, Vyx tells Jen that they kind of lied, sort of fudged the truth about their time penalty. Ron silently judges and then compares them to Kabuki performers who hide behind their masks. Very insightful Ron. I wonder what kind of spectacle he’d liken himself to, perhaps some sort of all you can eat/judge contest.
Justin plays a rousing game of charades with the taxi driver to tell him to go to the Stone Forest. Rousing and effective.
Girl needs some Degree for women!
“We passed them old dirty redheads!!” Globetrotters get there and they are pissed that they got U-Turned.
Fake Trotters & White Daddy Issues are on the scene. When they hear, “y’all are the last bunch,” Gary and Mallory do the smart thing and use their express pass. Now they must find Green Lake Park and may be eliminated. White Daddy Issues gets back on the tram to where the cabs are.
Margie is crying because just thinking about dinosaurs makes her miss her nerd grandson. This one’s for you Bryce!! This one’s for you.
Brokeback finishes 1st. The AR sound engineers secured the soundtrack to City Slickers for their victory.
Originally read, “Kun Ming Zhan Land”
The Globetrotters confront the Redheads on the whole W-Turn ordeal. Awkward! And I don’t mean in the awkward sexual tension way that Berry and I have mastered.
Brokeback passes White Daddy Issues who are fumbling around. Brokeback hops in a cab and is off and away while Gary & Mallory are like, “dude, where’s my cab?”
Margie completes the dilophosaurus! Bryce truly was with her in this land of mystery. The paleontologist pulls the clue out of the back of his underpants, they always pull the clues out of their underpants on this show! They can’t give them an apron or something? A clue caddy?
It’s down to a footrace to Phil between Brokeback and White Daddy! Brokeback wins!! You’ve got a friend in me. Phil, “I have great news, you’re not winning some shitty vacation, you’re winning cash baby!!”
White Daddy Issues arrives 2nd, but that’s okay. Berry is like in LOVE with Gary. Uh oh, hope they don’t do an Amazing Race Unfinished Bromances. I’ll lose my husband for sure. Him and Gary will shack up and savor every moment they share at the pitstop mat with Phil. A trio of bromantic proportions. I could team up with Margie, we might have a chance, we’d be the annoying old lady team. If we can’t get a cab we’ll cry uncontrollably and go on and on about our nerdy grandsons.
TMDI. Too much dino information.
Back to this season, Kent is up on the step ladder and falls hard on his ribs. They slo-mo it as it fades to commercial. He fell hard!! This is gonna be one of those clips they play over and over again. And then…nothing! I guess he didn’t break his back on the stepping ladder, I have never known the Amazing Race to undersell and accident, they still show that girl getting hit in the face with a watermelon every chance they get. Poor Claire Anyway, Kent’s is wrong cuz of the boner. And his dinosaur is improperly assembled too. The Redheads are taking their shirts off to get it done, the Chinese clue giver takes notice, rattle snake sound effect! WIN THAT EMMY SOUND TEAM!
Team ASL checks in 3rd.
Globetrotters finish and scream the dilophosaurs’ blood curdling mating/murdering call. (Zev & Justin hop up to their top bunk.) Redheads are rolling their eyes at them saying how noisy they are. The episode should just end here, take the Redheads, Asian Daddy and Fake Trotters all out now! Warning Blood Bath up ahead!
Team Edward 4th team to arrive at Phil, let the 30 min waiting period begin!!
Christina assembles the dinosaur and the camera racks focus on a big ass pair of spiders. CREEEEEEPPPPYYYYY!!!!! But the goth guy who broke his ribs on the step ladder? No biggie.
Peepants are 5th to arrive, but they are really 4th. Thirty minutes really flies by when you’re cradling your loved one like Madonna and child in a Botticelli masterpiece because Team Edward is checked in and is officially team number 5.
The Adoration of the Guy Wearing a ton of Makeup
Vyx says, “Number 5 is alive!!” Nice Short Circuit reference!! Because of that, I might like them. Berry is still on the fence, he’s not so into the robits.
Globetrotters check in 6th. Asian Daddy are off to find Phil. It’s down to Fake Trotters and Redheads! You can slice the tension with a fake giant dinosaur bone. Drumroll……..Fake Trotters take the lead! The dinosaur has been assembled. Hold on to your butts, we’re back in business! Get ready for as many Jurassic Park quotes as I can muster!
Redhead, “I can’t take this whole thing apart, I can’t physically do it.” She jumps on its tail and falls. Uh-uh-uh you didn’t say the magic word!
Christina, “Sheshusha.” Clever girl!
Ron, “RUN!!! Life finds a way!!!”
Redhead 1, “I just want it to be over.” Phil is so tired from waiting for them that he doesn’t even pretend to fake them out. Redhead 2, “We are the last team to arrive.” Oh no, she stepped on his line! She took his line! Phil gets paid big bucks to say that, he’s a pro!
The many faces of gracious losing.
Redhead, “I do think it was totally worth for us to come back—–” SHUT UP! END CREDIT TIME!!!! Pelicans fly by as they ride the helicopter off to the hotel where they have to sit in seclusion until the entire season is completed.
Next week, The Amazing Race gets Outsourced!!! Can Tea Tasting bring Luke to his breaking point? Yes, and we can’t wait.