The Amazing Race: Eat Your Chinese Vegetables!

Last week we learned that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re good with a noodle, that a blow job isn’t always a good thing and that the detectives can solve anything – unless they can’t find that @$*! corner piece!!! The Lesbians aren’t coming back any time soon – so it’s up to us to strap one on and dive into… “THE AMAZING RACE!”

 

 We begin in Shaghai with the Cowboys being the first team to take off for “The Garden Bridge”. We learn that Cord was once kicked in the head by a horse. WHAT?! I don’t believe it. Are you SURE you didn’t mean Ms. Teen? Brent maybe?! No? Wow.

 

Ok… Maybe I believe it.

The Cowboys struggle with the language barrier while they try to find the bridge. Luckily they find a girl that can speak Engrish and she helps them out.

Team Such As heads out next while Ms. Teen tells us that people come up to her almost everyday and make jokes about her Ms. Teen appearance (Maps… such as… the Iraq, South Africa, etc). She’s excited for this show to put her in a different light. I’d pay money to see the look on her face when she sees how this show has painted her.

 

“I…will…murder…such as…Betram van Munster.”

Team Such As is having a MUCH harder time finding the bridge although it seems like the Cowboys have found a bridge, but not the right one.

Luckily, Team Such As finds a nice girl that tells them where to go and what the bridge’s Chinese name is…

 

I can feel Ms. Teen’s brain hurt from here.

Side note:

 

 

Director: “GOD DAMMIT!!! Can someone please tell that !@$% Extra to stop looking into the @#%&@!camera!?!?”

Team Such As heads out while Team Cowboys gets a cabbie that thinks he knows where he’s going. At least the Cowboys are cracking up and keep a sense of humor about it. If it was me, I might have slammed the guys head into the dashboard while screaming “WAIBAI-FUCKING-DU QIAO!!!!!”

We get to hear from Dan ONCE AGAIN that he’s running the race for Jordan. It was sweet the first time, charming the second time – but if I have to hear this one more time I’m going to lose it. WE GET IT. YOU’RE AN AMAZING BROTHER. You had us at, “I can restrain myself from punching Jordan every time he uses jazz hands to stress the severity of an issue.”

Brent’s excited they came to see China…

 

And the world’s largest bottle opener.

Meanwhile Ms Teen sits there and thinks, “This place is amazing. I wonder if they know there’s a food named after them.”

Their taxi driver takes them directly to the clue box on the Garden Bridge (LUCKY!) and they find they must proceed to “Longhua Temple” but not by taxi. The Cowboys (having lost their lead) arrive shortly behind Team Such As. Team Such As decides to take a city bus and Ms. Teen gets all cocky after reading the map for it: “Obviously I know how to read maps because I’m pretty damn good knowing where we are and where we’re going. So people – you can go screw yourselves.” SHE’S RIGHT! SHE READ A CHINESE MAP AND PROVED US ALL WRONG!

 

Oh shit.

The Cowboys, on the other hand, decide to take the metro. Awww – charming AND green!

Lover Brothers are still having a hard time finding the Garden Bridge and this guy’s not helping much…

 

Dear God Jordan! He’s not pointing to the “Garden Bridge” that you’re asking for! TURN BACK!

That guy had to be one of the funniest and least helpful people all season. He just kept saying “Garden Bridge” and then asked where it was. Awesome! At least he kept limber throughout the WHOLE thing. Always important to stretch.

Dan confirms that he “hates China” and will “never be back again.” OH PLEASE let them win this leg and win a trip back to China!!!

The Lover Brothers decide it’s in their best interest (after blowing TWO HOURS!) to go back and meet up with the Dicks, telling them that they just wanna team up with them. I’m not really sure of their strategy here – unless one of them needs a human shield in a gun fight.

The Dicks are STOKED that they “caught up” to the brothers. I would’ve been like “No no – let’s make this clear – we WAITED for you. So that we can USE you. So don’t get cocky.”

Michael decides the best thing he can do to help the group is to take out his binoculars and search the area…

 

Since when do binoculars have cross hairs? Is he looking for a bridge or… oh my my god he’s gonna take out the teams ahead of them!!!

While the Dicks bumblefuck along, Team Such As, now in first, makes it to the temple and the ROADBLOCK: “Count Statues”. Teams must count a whole crap load of gold statues in the temple.

 

Oh my God. Indiana Jones would lose his shit.

Ms. Teen takes the challenge. She’s kind of fucked since there’s more statues than she has fingers and toes – but I have faith in her! Like Brent! He goes on to say that he’s glad Ms. Teen’s taking the challenge because she can prove that she has a brain.

I love how Brent declares this like he’s the Mayor of Brainville.

 

“Brain… good… hold in with brain scarf.”

So the pressure’s on Ms. Teen! Count to 523 – and you’re a @$%! genius. Fuck it up? You no longer have to worry about people making fun of you for the maps thing. They’ll be busting your ass over this instead. It’s win-win!

Ms. Teen immediately goes about counting the statues in the most confusing, zig-zag way. AND OF COURSE she fucks up the first count. Well… at least she’s always entertaining. Meanwhile, Brent’s outside appreciating the Chinese people.

 

Ping Ping needs to teach this lady how to smoke a cigarette.

Back with the boys, Michael is playing a hysterically frantic game of “I Spy” and has spotted 17 different places the clue might be with his binoculars. They decide it’s OK they’re behind because the other teams MUST be as screwed as they are. Yikes. Worst strategy ever.

Meanwhile at the temple…

 

Ms. Teen’s starting out small. To be fair, if she asks every number there’s no WAY she can get it wrong.

 

Three seconds later she’s getting closer.

The Dicks and Lover Brothers use their noggin’s and have someone call the “Shanghai translation line” to get a taxi driver to understand where they need to go. The Dick’s the hop in the cab that knows where it’s going with the Lover Brothers in a cab behind them. Jordan’s last words to the Dicks are “Guys, please make sure we stay together.” Approximately 1 minute later there’s a TOTAL CATEGORY 5 SHIT STORM!!!

The Lover Brother’s cabbie doesn’t understand “Follow that green taxi!” or the frantic pointing at the Dick’s green taxi. This guy has to either be the stupidest cabbie or is clearly fucking with them. I mean – language barrier aside – if someone gets in your cab – points to the cab in front of you – with people you see they know getting into it – and yells…. ummmm maybe follow them?!

 

And Dan’s not handling it well…

Dan literally LOSES HIS SHIT and comes close to punching the cabbie. It’s so awkward/horrific/entertaining I can’t handle it. I feel like the producer’s paid this cabbie to be this stupid.

Dan – CALM DOWN! The Dicks clearly said they’d make sure not to lose you…

 

 

Uh oh.

 

I can’t even explain how vital that plastic barrier was to Dan not being charged with Chinocide.

Meanwhile, up at the statue challenge, Brent is frustrated and doesn’t know what Ms. Teen’s doing wrong. I’m going to go with “using her brain.” She’s guessed wrong 3 times now.

Over with the Cowboys, they finally get to the temple and walk RIGHT by Brent while saying “They gotta be close – there’s their bags.” LOL. Where the hell is everyone’s brain this episode?!

 

Unfortunately for Brent, he now believes his “cloaking bandana” to be working.

The Cowboys find the temple and Jet gets to counting slowly and accurately. We’ll see if it works.

In the back of the race, the Lover Brothers and Dicks FINALLY find the Garden Bridge! And not a moment too soon – we’re only HALFWAY through the episode!

Over at the statues, Jet’s Buddha-like patience pays off and he gets it right on the first try! Ms. Teen follows behind and gets it right on the 4th try. Take THAT all you doubters!

Teams must now proceed VIA MOTORCYCLE to the “Yuyuan Gardens”.

 

I’d be like, “Ummm if this guy starts screaming “KAMIKAZE!!!!” I’m SO getting off.”

 

Is it just me or does she look like a natural in this outfit? That’s her “Thinkin’ Cap”!

The Cowboys are loving the bike ride! They said driving through a city like Shanghai is a big deal coming from a town with one blinking yellow light. What the hell’s the point of that? I mean, how fast can you get going on a horse anyways?

Meanwhile, the Dicks and Lover Brothers hop on a bus to the temple. The Dicks are bummed because they wanted to get in a taxi and ditch the Brothers. Love it. They really are DICKS.

Team Such As and Team Cowboys arrive and look for the clue box. Ms Teen does a great job of pushing the Chinese people out of her way and bitching about (in a horrific Chinese accent) that they wouldn’t leave her alone. Wow – this is NOT going to be good footage for her Ms. Universe bid.

Team Cowboys finds the clue box first and it’s a “DETUUUR!”: Pork Chops or Pork Dumplings. In Pork Chops, teams must find the correct “chop” or stamp with a pig symbol and their name. In Pork Dumplings, they must deliver 10 orders of pork dumplings. SNOOZE! They could at least make them EAT all ten orders. Although I would probably do it voluntarily. Then again I suppose the real challenge for the Dicks will be NOT eating them.

The Cowboys choose “Chops” and start looking. Meanwhile, Team Such As is close behind and chooses the same task. Although, right from the start, Brent starts complaining that he has to pee but Ms. Teen doesn’t want to take a break which would stall them. Well, this marks the second episode Brent’s needed diapers – after he shat himself when the puzzle blew away in the last one.

Over with the Dicks & Lover Brothers, they find the next clue box but it’s time for the Dick’s Speed Bump (for being last on the previous leg). The challenge? Throw a coin in a small window of a tall incense burner. Wah wah wahhhh… WHO came up with these challenges?! BORING! AND they only have to throw ONE coin in! It should have been like 20 coins or better yet, one paper bill. If they don’t do this in under 5 minutes I’ll be shocked – but not surprised.

Meanwhile, the Lover Brothers make it to the temple and Dan takes the counting challenge. HAHAHA… after the taxi ride I’m sure he’s thrilled to be in a room with hundreds of little Chinese people.

And of course the Dicks finish the speed bump in like 2 minutes. Although, Michael takes longer – which is odd because he’s about 3 feet taller than Louie. Louie quickly joins Dan. Michael’s positive that Louie will beat him because he’s a “mathematical genius.”

 

“Shiiiiiiny gooooooooold….” This could take awhile.

Over with Betsy Wetsy and Ms. Teen, he’s throwing a fit that she won’t take a break so he can take a piss. If I had to go that bad I’m pretty sure she’d be getting a golden shower to the back of the head. She finally gives in and calls him “SO annoying”. Awww – these two are great example of the true love that gays shall never know or understand. Amen.

Over with the Lover Brothers, Dan goes into a lecture about the value of taking one’s time, doing quality work and…

 

We feel ya, Jordan.

He’s right though – he gets the correct number on the first try! They’re now off on their motorcycles. And as Dan gleefully points out, Jordan rides “bitch”!

 

“That bettah be eggroll in your pocket.”

Over with the Dicks, Louie fucks up the first number count because he doesn’t follow his own “read the clue 5 times” mantra and misses the 2 big golden statues.

The Cowboys don’t find their own stamps but they do find Brent’s promptly put it back without saying anything. Team Such As soon returns and then do the same thing when they find Cord’s stamp. Ahhh! Love the treachery! THIS is the Amazing Race I love!

Louie finally gets the count right and the Dicks hop on the motorcycle. Listen to that engine sob in pain!

Over with the leaders, both teams find their stamps at the same time and run off to the pit stop at the Riverside Promenade. Team Cowboys snags the first cab and take off. I’m sure it’ll help that Cord tells the cabbie “muy rapido”. It’d be AWESOME if this were the first time a cabbie understood someone.

Team Such As quickly finds a cab and takes off too. It’s rush hour now though so this should be delightfully ugly.

But it goes fast and both teams arrive at the same time. It’s now a foot race to find the pit stop and I’m SOOO hoping it’s the Cowboys again! I’m more stressed out about this than who’s gonna get booted. The music builds aaaaaand…. DAMMIT!!! Team Such As takes first place.

And look who’s there to greet them…

 

WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY FEED THESE PEOPLE?! OMG… Did they feed him Ping Ping!? NOOO!

Team Such As gets first and Ms. Teen goes bonkers. They win a trip to Spain too. Lucky bastards. Although I’m sure Ms. Teen thinks that’s a city in Nevada.

Phil reminds her that she’s the only woman left and we all collectively groan. Ms. Teen reiterates that she can read maps and has proven to the word how smart she is. Yes. If anything, I’ve learned through this show that you’re the smartest person ever.

Team Cowboys then checks in with Phil and Chinese Lurch. They’re excited to be in the final 3 and want to get belt buckles made to commemorate it. Stay classy boys.

Meanwhile, the Lover Brothers start the “Pork Chops” challenge. They find one of the Dick’s stamps right away and the Dicks arrive soon after. Jordan is getting frustrated while Dan finds his stamp quickly.

Louie makes the comment, “It’s important to do the job and do it right!” Meanwhile…

 

Inspector Gadget over here is trying his best to cheat.

Aaaaand Jordan finds his next! The Lover Brothers take the lead to the pit stop! But that’s not enough assurance – Jordan snaps up an Asian girl and drags her along to help find it!

 

“OK but we married now pretty white boy! You look sooo handsome. Must be rearry popurar with American girl. Wait… why your breath smell like his ding dong?!”

The Lover Brothers hop in a taxi while Louis finds his stamp and a while later, Michael finds his. It’s hard to tell how far behind they are. Luckily for them it seems like the Lover Brothers have gotten another crappy cabbie.

 

Luckily Jordan turns away as Dan begins the meltdown and starts turning things to stone.

Teams arrive at the Pit Stop area and frantically search for it in the pitch black. Luckily they have the 16 foot giant to look for. EEK! Kinda stressed – who’s it gonna be?! I can’t tell who’s in front!!! And it’s… TEAM LOVER BROTHERS!!! OH my lady gravy! They immediately start crying and circle jerk all over each other.

Sadly, Team Dicks arrive and are really positive about getting eliminated because of their great experience. I have to say, they had their faults, but they were always good to each other which speaks volumes. I would’ve much rather them than Team Such As in the final three. Although, I’d be so happy to see Team Such As lose by 5 seconds. That’d certainly make another time Brent would need diapers.

Anyways, farewell Dicks…

 

“And basically I love this man and that’s why I’m asking him to gay marry me.” And then Michael’s brain exploded.

And that’s it! Pretty lame episode as far as challenges go but still pretty entertaining. Can you believe who the final 3 are?! I can’t! I really would’ve never guessed Team Such As! Alright everyone – let’s hear it – your guesses for who WILL win, who SHOULD win and which team will just totally lose it. There’s always one! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!