The Amazing Race Finale Part II: Let’s Finish This Business!!

Good news everyone! Berry found the limited edition Amazing Race Snapple!! I’ve already drank a whole case. It’s pretty good, but it’s no Troperocka. And now without further ado: THE FINALE of the FINALE!!

Previously on The Amazing Race (before the commercial break) teams checked in to the last pitstop before the finish line in Rio de Janeiro. Phil mentions that the city is revitalizing itself for the 2014 World Cup….shameless promotions.

“Don’t worry, I’ll spot you. I’ll spot you real good.”

Daddy Issues leaves first and heads to Miami, Florida. OMG, do you think one of the detours involves doing David Caruso murder puns? That’d be rad. Mallory drops that they could be the first parent/child team to win. Team Peepants leaves second and come on, they must be sponsored by Balance Bands. They say how having a million dollars would help them take care of themselves and their single mother who raised them. The Globetrotters leave last but they are feeling good and they’re running free!!!

All three teams get on the same flight to Miami. The Trotts checked their bags and they’re just going to leave them at the airport. They don’t need anything in them once they’re rich! Gary pushes Mal in a cart like Team Edward did in that luggage task. Each team is psyching themselves up to really play hard and win this thing!

“I love going to Costco to buy bulk daughter.”

Hello Miami! Beaches, blurred asses, and men dressed like women. (Nothing like Brazil.) Kisha’s laughter is like a smoke monster filling up the Miami airport. They all run and book it to the cab stands to get a cab to Marine Stadium Marina. Gary & Mal have trouble getting a taxi.

Art imitates life?

Cab race! Let the screaming “WE’RE IN A RACE FOR A LOT OF MONEY!!” begin! And it has. Kisha, girl, you gotta stop laughing. She needs a million dollars to go to a laugh therapist. It’s really an unusual sound.

Daddy Issues finally gets a cab. Mal is trying to stay positive. She has faith and a feeling, and says that’s all she needs. They race their cabs to the marina. “Teams are about to get a lesson in the perils of dry dock.” Which means they have to move a boat with a fork lift without destroying it.

Kisha is nervous because she’s never used a fork lift before. Flight Time is medium comfortable because he used to work at Wal-Mart and they’ve got to have some sort of heavy machinery there. Jen is watching Kisha, “she looks like a pea in a salad.” She’s The Princess and the Peapants!

The Princess and the Peapants.

Daddy Issues are still possibly lost. Their cab driver (who is named Sterling) is acting weird. Too weird for faith and a feeling? Oh yeah, Mal-Mal’s faith and feeling is fading. Sterling is now texting and driving. That must not be illegal in Florida yet. Can you even text on a jitterbug phone?

Big Easy is trying to trash talk Kisha. He’s saying that she’s going to drop the boat. He’s going about it all wrong, he should be yelling about how weird she looks in her blue spandex separates. Honestly she looks like she’s dressed as Cookie Monster and forgot her head in the car. If we had just tuned in, we’d think there was some sort of Smurf challenge and Kisha kept the outfit on. Flight Time finishes first! The Globetrotts say that they’ll be in 1st place all day. Time will tell. Peepants is on their tails. They have to go to Key Largo (from the song) and go to the Jules Undersea Lounge.

Mallory might be going into labor in the back of their cab. “Please please please please!!!” I bet Gary would be a good labor coach (way better than Berry, it’s been 31 years and I still can’t find my baby). They stop and ask for directions from a dude who doesn’t speak english. Hahaha! The funny part is, they’re in AMERICA! They finally make it to the marina. Gary hits the forklift challenge. Mal says that they have forklift experience so they might catch up.

“…….anything!”

The Globetrotters get to the Underwater Lounge. Flight Time says, “We gonna get that money, aight!? When we get there you’re gonna get some gas and come back and get us.” That sounds reasonable. The Amazing Race stopped making a big deal about paying cabs and money in general. Remember when Uchenna and Joyce won even after they couldn’t afford to pay their cab so they had to go off panhandling to get the guy paid? Back then the race was so…..raw.

Roadblock: Search an undersea world for your next clue. What the F***?!?! Oh my freaking freak!! WHAT THE F!! There is a mermaid band! A real one! Real mermaids!! They have to go underwater in a one person submarine/diving suit called a bob dive and look through treasure chests to find their next clue. But there are mermaids! I knew they were real Berry! I knew they were real and thy loved jazz!! This is AN AMAZING RACE!! MERMAIDS!!!! Wow! It’s like I just met my baby for the first time! What a rush, MERMAIDS! Damn it Berry, ring up Travelocity on your jitterbug let’s go down to Florida!

You can take the mermaid out of the water…..but you can’t take the jazz out of the mermaid.

“Shredder!”

In case you don’t remember, Team Peepants is afraid of water. But Jen’s been taking swimming classes so she’s not quite as terrified. She’s just afraid of drowning in a droplet. She says how it’s so surreal to be underwater with real mermaids (duh) and they threw her off a little. Big Easy got thrown off in the sexual way. He was just flat out checking them out. But alas, he can only look because last time I checked mermaids don’t have vaginas.

Big Easy’s Situation

Gary passed the forklift thing with great ease, even the instructor was impressed with him. They get in their same sh*tty ass cab driven by Sterling and go to the undersea freak show.

Big Easy is really having fun underwater. He gets the clue! Off they trot.

Riddle me this:

Off the coast of big pine key

There’s a camp that’s by the sea

To find the mile marker near where you should be

Please subtract 4 from 33

When did that bridge troll get a job writing for the Amazing Race? Also where did the Globetrotters’ cab go? He ditched them! They don’t have a cab! They start running to find one. Jen got the clue, “I swam!” She is very proud of herself for going underwater. They get in their cab and are on their way.

The Trotts find a cab but they don’t know where to go. They stop in a Goodwill or some weird fabric store to ask for directions. The old white lady is really into them and all too happy to help. She gives them directions with the understanding that there will be sexual favors down the road, “Keep on playin’ ball guys!” Creepy, was that a riddle too? Now it’s a cab race between Peepants & Trotts.

“It’s called the I-69 and you can hop on right at my entrance ramp.”

Daddy Issues hits the mermaid lair. Mal is doing the underwater treasure hunt. She’s having fun. Maybe too much fun. She’s getting lost between fantasy and reality, so just a normal day for Mallory.

Peepants gets to the next clue box first. They must walk across the shallow part of the ocean to get to Horseshoe Island. Once there they have to find the tallest tree to find their next clue. Trotts are on their tails. It’s starting to get mighty windy out there. Jen & Kisha barely hold their (bladders) lead. They find the clue box. They have to go back to the mainland, take a “thrilling” high speed boat ride to a marina, then go to the Galway Bay Mobile Home. Classy.

Mallory is tripping underwater, “Damnit mermaids you know I’m last!!!”  They do know.  Their animalistic qualities are not often spoken of. But they will smell your insecurities and strike. They’re one of the only animals that hunts for fun. That’s why I’m so into them, I need them for my experiments. Mallory finally asserts dominance underwater and retrieves the clue. She and her pappy GET BACK IN STERLING’S CAB?! They haven’t ditched this guy yet? He, of course, doesn’t know where the next thing is either. Oh boy.

Peepants runs back across the ocean. It must feel good to walk across the ocean. You’d really feel like you accomplished something that day. Trotts are still tailing them pretty tight. Both teams are on their “thrilling” high speed boats. Daddy Issues start their trek to the island.

We now take you to the beautiful Galway Bay Senior Livin’ Mobile Home. They made it there just in time for a hurricane. But maybe there’s always a hurricane over a trailer park. Phil seems a little skeeved out by having to be there, “Teams must now enter a landscape which is both colorful and cramped.” They have to set up a trailer all gaudy and sh*t based on a picture.

I wonder how Donald Trump feels about Phil dating his mom.

They’re setting up a trailer home. At least the challenge that represent the USA are just as horrifically stereotypical as they are for every other country. Except when they set up the trailer shouldn’t there be a terrible Tanya Tucker cover band blaring in their ears?

On cue, a hurricane comes. The wind is blowing all of their props away. All the authentic trailer people are lined up to watch the spectacle. “When they do somethin’ stupid, we think it’s funny,” says a 55+ resident. It must be nice for them to be on that end of it.

That guy’s shirt says, “So many cats. So few good recipes.” Classic.

Gary & Mal are there and they’re still in the race! I guess they could catch up since they’re all in the same place at the same time. Donald Trump’s mom/the judge is making the rounds. Big Easy asks her how she is, she’s fine, she asks him how he is, “I ain’t doin’ too good love.” She knows. Are they going to have a Han Solo/Princess Leia moment? Nah. He says to give them a few minutes and “This’ll be lookin’ as good as your hair right now.”

Peepants asks Trump’s mom to come over and inspect their setup. Her name is Miss Rose. Miss Rose?! More like Miss Yvonne. She’s sorry to tell Peepants that despite the wind, they’re setup does not match the picture. (They forgot the beer, Miss Rose noticed that right away.)

Gary is pulling the trailer, grunting, doing his thang. They’re not giving up yet! Trotts see Daddy Issues and say “it’s sudden death, baby.”  Actually it’s called SIDS. And…..too soon. My baby could be out there somewhere. Maybe my baby is Miss Rose. OMG, am I Donald Trump’s Grandma!? I demand to see his birth certificate!

Peepants figures out that they’re in a trailer park and no setup would be complete with out a half drank warm beer. They put it in place and get the clue from Miss Rose. They’re on their way to the finish line! Holy smokes the finish line! Trotts can’t figure out what they’re missing. They wander over to Peepants’ trailer and see the beer can. I guess neither of these teams are alcoholics, I woulda noticed that beer right away. Except when I put it in its place it wouldn’t be half full, it’d be all the way empty.

Alcoholic-Vision

Peepants gets to the 7-Mile Stretch. They have to ride tricycles to the finish line. They are having a hard time to begin with and the wind is not helping. The Trotts are right on their tails. There’s a lot of motivational screaming happening between the teammates right now. Sounds like when our neighbors make love, “come on baby!” “we got it, yeah!” “the wind is making it very difficult!”

Kisha’s trying to kiss that helicopter.

Daddy Issues get it right the first time. Miss Rose struts out of frame and back to her trailer filled with 99 cent wine coolers. She a lady.

Trotts are now thinking that they can’t win so they’re taking it all in. It’s like the end of Lost. So surreal. Hey, why wasn’t there a mermaid in Lost? That would have been a good Kate episode.

Peepants runs in to the finish line! Phil, “Jen & Kisha you have one the twenty thousand dollars……we had to spend a little more than we thought on those Ford Focuses. Turns out they’re NOT free….” Just Kidding! They won the whole million! All the faces from AR Season 18 Past are there clapping for them.

Mel survived!

Kisha & Jen are hugging and screaming. So far, they’re not peeing their pants. But maybe that’s why Kisha wore that Smurf outfit, so that you’d really see the wet spot when she pees. They are really sweet talking about how they’re going to give their money to their mom…..who wants to start her own business. Now I’m no The Apprentice, but if I had a million dollars I wouldn’t do nothing with no business! I’d buy a condo in that mermaid town and get my experiments on!

“You must now take my place so I can be set free!”

Zev is in full future pajama regalia, looking pretty pissed off. The Trotts trot in 2nd. They are good sports. They say what a good time they had and they’re glad they did it. Daddy Issues saunters in 3rd. Gary says that the best thing a parent can have is that when their kids grow up they want to continue to hang out….you know, not get married to someone they met on the race and never ever want to see me again, right Ron?

“Meh, what’s a million dollars next to a Ford Focus? No, seriously, I need to know!”

Justin is humble and gets to say the titular line, “we really took care of some unfinished business this season.” Zev looks pissed, so does Jet. I’d not want to get cornered talking to them at the after party! The whole cast poses for a picture and Cord throws his cowboy hat. Aw how cute, he thinks he graduated from something.

“Get this hat away from me, Luke touched it!!”

But haven’t we all graduated from The Amazing Race Season 18? Yes, yes we have. Thanks for tagging along with Berry and I. We’re still evicted so if you have an extra couch that you can crash on while we sleep in your California King let us know! See you next time! xoFranberry