This is it everyone! The big finale we’ve all been waiting for! We’ve been through so much together: painting the wrong person’s house, fuchen the kuchen, great grannies, lesbians on the warpath, World Wars (past and present), Cathy Drone, “Whine” Country, the Silly Chilis, Chingays, Chinese blowjobs, limp noodles, spastic cab rides and so much more. It’s been a great season and it’s only gonna get better in the next hour! Why? ‘Cause no other show is a clusterfuchen to the finish line like “The Amazing Race“!
We begin in Shanghai where teams last checked in – also known as Dan’s dream vacation! Team Such As, currently in 1st place, (how… the @$%@ did this happen!?), are the first to head out at 2:47(kill me)am. The final destination? San Francisco! I hope the first challenge is at a S&M leather bar!
I mean, come on, the idea of Ms. Teen with a ball gag in her mouth is kind of priceless.
Team Such As is thrilled to be in the final three. They wanna “freakin’” win. Awww. That’s sweet. If they do, there’s a good chance my computer’s gonna go airbound.
Next off, Team Cowboys – my unabashed favorite! Love these boys and I hope they win. Some of you may disagree – but I think it’s fair to say that you’re completely insane and I’m right.
Team Such As makes it to the airport first and discovers the ticket counter’s closed for about another 6 hours. I’D BE PISSED. I’d go drag Phil’s ass out of bed and be like “Ummm – remember when you woke me up at 2am and sent me to the @#$% airport to wait for 6 hours until it was open?!? That was not “AMAZING”!!!”
How fun would it be if you know “TAR” was filming in your city? I’d wanna run around and post these flags EVERYWHERE just to cause total panic with the production.
The Cowboys meet up with Team Such As at the airport while Team Lover Brothers open up their clue hours later – but now completely able to catch up to the other teams. Jordan’s ecstatic that they’re headed to San Fran cause it’s “his kind of town.” LOL. I love how he thinks he’s gonna be able to ride rainbows around town while everyone cheers him on. You’re not a friggin’ Care Bear, Jordan. Although if you were you’d be “Flaming Heart”.
The Lover Brothers finally meet up with everyone at the airport. The funny thing is, they got 3 hours more sleep than the 2 teams in front of them and now they’re all even. Lucky boys. So there’s no excuse to be cranky, DAN.
Meanwhile, Jordan put his back pack behind Team Such As in line – figuring that means he’s now in front of the sleeping Cowboys. OH HELL NO. Someone’s gonna get hog-tied. Soon everyone wakes up and it’s time to check in – and Jordan STILL insists he’s in FRONT of the Cowboys! HOLY SHIT! What BALLS! I just officially stepped out of the Jordan Pride Parade. That’s crap. Run the race being nice to everyone and then pull a dick move like that in the final stretch?! BOOO! Bad form!
So the Cowboys calmly tell Jordan to take a hike and mention “throwing him back” and “kicking his teeth in.” OH FUCK. Ladies and Gentlemen – the gloves are off. Shit’s gonna get UGLY.
So Jordan buys the tickets while the Cowboys FUME behind him and then turns around and says “DON’T HATE.” OMG!!! Are you for real?!! Why don’t you just add, “Oh and If it makes you feel any better, I nailed your Mom and raped your horse. Byeeeee!”
I can’t believe Jordan just threw any good will between them and the Cowboys away for a closer seat to the front on the airplane. BALLS I SAY!
Oh – and that’s not enough?! Dan then talks his way into First Class on the plane!!! WHAT?! I totally had these 2 pegged for a 3rd place finish but it looks like they might just claw, bite, push, shove, weasel their way into first. The race is ON!
Fist pumps? Look for these boys on the next season of “Jersey Shore: Jersey’s for Lovers Edition”
The Lover Brothers are first off the plane and quickly get a taxi. They tell the cabbie, “Please hurry – we’re being chased by two teams.” They might’ve added, “And one of them is going to make us eat our own teeth.”
The other teams grab taxis and everyone’s off to the next clue box at the Presidio by the Golden Gate Bridge. The Lover Bros arrive first and get the clue. It’s a riddle describing their next destination:
It’s totally my penis.
At this point I might’ve thought, “Hmmm – why don’t I just give myself a free trip to Italy and yelled “It’s the Tower of Pisa! Let’s Go!”
However, it’s Coit Tower – a famous tower on Telegraph Hill in San Francisco. The Lover Brothers don’t know this though (I did!) so they return to their taxi to ask him.
If this guy starts speaking Chinese I guarantee Dan will stroke out.
Team Such As arrives to the Presidio but their cabbie seems slightly lost on exactly where to go. And what’s worse than that? The Cowboy’s cabbie says…
BEST CABBIE LINE… EVER.
Team Such As is still searching and gets out of the cab to look. In the process, they (OF COURSE) start screaming at each other to “Shut up!” and “Stop being a f–king ass or I’ll punch you in the face.” Seriously?! Who of you said you wanted these two to win?! HUH!? The Dicks deserved a win more than these two.
Up ahead with the Lover Bros, they jog along a guy riding a bicycle to ask him about the riddle. Luckily it pays off and the guy tells him they’re looking for Coit Tower. Jordan says he knew it would work because people who ride bicycles are always smart.
Remember this, Jordan? Not so much.
Speaking of, Ms. Teen is livid that their cabbie didn’t know his way because they had to stop and look at a map. And she hates maps.
Ladies and Gentlemen, your new Ms. Arizona!
The Cowboys finally make it to the clue box and as Jet reads he clue, Cord…
Ohhhh myyyy GOD! This is happening people! The sexual tension has finally proved too much and–
Oh. There was a guide book in his man pouch. False alarm everyone! Pants back on.
Well I thought it was funny.
The Cowboys made a great investment in a “San Francisco Guide Book” and actually studied it on the flight over. They remembered “Coit Tower” from it and are off! Nice job boys! Get along lil’ doggies!
Meanwhile, over with Team Such As, Brent is left pondering why they’re in America but “no one speaks English.” Yeah! They should get Ms. Teen to teach them “English such as they can be understood in places like the South Africa and uhhhh… the Iraq so that they have maps to read… in English… for the children.”
Things begin to get heated when their cabbie keeps making wrong turns and becomes increasingly frazzled by the screams coming from the back seat.
In his defense, he totally thought they asked who the 16th president of the US was.
Brent tells Ms. Teen to “Shut up because all you’ll do is cry.” Wow. These two are sooo made for each other. Best part is – she then cries. Awwww – he really knows her!
Up ahead, Team Lover Brothers makes it to Coit Tower and run up it to receive their clue. It’s a Road Block: “Climb Coit Tower”! Yikes. I would’ve been like, “I just did. They were called stairs. Now give me the next @#%! clue!”
Dan takes the task – and it’s a damn good thing it’s not Jordan’s turn or there’d be claw marks up the side of beautiful Coit Tower. Dan heads on up and even takes time to enjoy the view. Until he spots more @$#%! Chinese people!!! AHHH!!!! Meanwhile, the Cowboys are fast approaching the tower.
On the other hand, Team Such As is losing their shit with their cabbie driver. NOW I know why they made it this far. It was solely so the rest of us could enjoy their total meltdown in the final hours. It’s fantastic! Ms. Teen keeps screaming “TURN AROUND!!!” wherever the poor Cabbie drives and when Brent tells her to calm down she repeats “I want to punch you in the face!” This might be my favorite moment of the season. Schadenfreude at its BEST! Punch him!
Dan’s already close to the top when the Cowboys arrive and Cord takes the challenge. CLIMB COWBOY CLIMB!
Team Such As FINALLY gets to the clue box and Brent mumbles “Thanks! Sorry!” on his way out of the cab. I believe that was his desperate attempt to make sure the Cabbie doesn’t speed off and leave them stranded. I’m almost positive when they get back there’s gonna be a puff of smoke and tire tracks where the cab was parked.
Dan grabs the clue and slides back down the tower. The clue tells them to find the “Yoda Fountain”.
“Find me, gay boys, you must!”
Wait a minute… He reminds me of someone… has he been on the race before?
Oh! There she is! Miss you grandma we do!
So the boys are now off to Lucasfilms “Industrial Light and Magic”. I just heard millions of nerds around the world squeal. And as they take off, the Cowboys sarcastically say “see ya guys!” to which the Lover Bros say nothing. Jet says they seem…
Which is odd because normally Jordan’s all about water sports.
The Lover Bros hop in their taxi and tell the driver they need head to the “Yoda Fountain”. So the taxi driver uses his phone-a-friend and…
How pissed do you think Dan’s gonna be when they roll up to a Soda Fountain?
Meanwhile, Cord’s trying to bust a move as fast as possible up the side of the tower. It’s a long ways up though…
He just made his own batch of gravy.
Team Such As stops and asks someone at a front desk where Coit Tower and she helps them out. Once they hop back in the taxi, Brent tells Ms. Teen to “shut up and let him (cabbie) go.” Boo! That’s no fun! Well, with any luck the cabbie will start driving into the opposite lane of traffic.
At the front of the pack, Jordan tells Dan he knows “what Yoda looks like – but I haven’t seen the movie.” Remember those nerds and their squeals? You just gave every one of them a massive heart attack, Jordan. Nice job. The matrix is gonna come to a grinding halt now.
The Lover Bros arrive at Lucas Films and find the clue box and…
Carol! Brandy! So good to see you again! Nice to see you’re into 3 ways now too.
Inside the clue box is the next challenge: “Navigate a Virtual World”. One person must put on this outfit…
Why am I not surprised that this is the dress code for the Lucas Film Nerdery?
And the other person must direct them through a virtual maze.
“I travel through space and time for this gig and I a shit PC and dial-up?! WTF?!!?”
Dan decides he’ll be the “director” while Jordan will be the “searcher”. Dan’s sooo the top. The Storm Troopers then lead the boys to the studio.
Don’t worry boys. It’s well-known that those guys die easily and can’t shoot for shit.
Back at the tower, Cord snags the clue at the top and the Cowboys quickly move on just as Team Such As arrives.
After walking through a hallway of Star Wars “heads”…
Seriously, Phil. You need to moisturize and get some sleep.
…the Lover Bros take their positions and Jordan says that they’ve made him “put on a skinny suit with balls all over it.” Use your experience to your advantage Jordan!
Wow. This really is virtual reality. Jordan’s now butch.
Dan starts directing Jordan where to go and it’s actually pretty cool to watch. Although Jordan keeps going too fast and keeps walking through walls. I’m giddy with excitement thinking of Team Such As doing this. It’s gonna be a shit storm of Wookie proportions!
And the Lover Bros better hurry it up because Team Cowboys is now in the heee-ouse! What what? Sorry. I heard a rap song on the radio today.
Anyways, while Jet heads off to put the balls suit on, Cord sits down in a cubicle next to Dan while he’s instructing Jordan. So Cord decides to have some fun while he’s waiting and starts yelling out crazy directions like he’s talking to Jet. IT IS AWESOME!!! Paybacks, my lover brothers, are a bitch… in a stetson!
Worst suicide help-line… ever.
Cord continues to shout random directions which is hysterically infuriating Dan. However, the Lover Bros finally complete level one ahead of them.
Jet’s virtual guy is wearing a black stetson! WIN! However, he looks 25 years older. FAIL.
Over with Team Such As – they’re “Coit Tower” experience has been whittled down to about 15 seconds of screen time. For those of you unfamiliar with the finales of this show – it pretty much means there’s a snow ball’s chance in the Iraq that these two are gonna win.
Dan gets Jordan to the final goal first and word’s start swirling around Jordan’s virtual character. While Dan tries to figure out a way to read them, Cord now has Jet standing right behind Jordan and is telling him to walk forward into his back.
Good idea. You don’t want to see what’s coming. Mount him, Cowboy!
Cord yells to Dan to get Jordan out of the way and Dan flips out and tells Cord to “Shut the !@#% up!”
Ok. So someone is definitely out of the running for Miss Congeniality.
Cord jokingly tells Dan he’s gonna get one of the Star Wars guys to “take him out”. Congrats to Cord for not going over there and shoving that headpiece up Dan’s ass. Meanwhile, Dan forces Jordan to do a couple spins so that he can read the words – to which Jordan whines that he’s going to puke. And Cord finally convinces Jet to get close enough to Jordan to make it to the next level. He does just as Dan gets enough words to call Jordan off. Damn. I was really hoping these two were going to be forced to dance.
Team Lover Bros head out first with the clue leading them to “The Tonga Room”. And – SHOCKER – as they’re leaving, Team Such As arrives! I guess they weren’t so far behind after all!
Cord’s now trying decipher the words that are spinning. You’d think Jet would’ve figured out that he should start spinning from when he watched Jordan but he seems to be missing that at this most critical moment. Oh well – nothing breaks the tension like the arrival of Team Such As! They start out with “Hey Baby” and sweet talk over the “phone”. Let’s watch how fast this deteriorates into “FACE PUNCH!!!”
Well, we’ve now come to the point in the show where I start screaming. Presently it’s “JESUS CHRIST JET YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SPIN!!! WEREN’T YOU PAYING ATTENTION!!! BWAAAAH!!!! OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!” Aaaaaanyways, back over with…
Team Such As enters another dimension in which they can see their future…
If you don’t know who these two are, consider yourself blessed.
The Lover Brothers, now with a good lead, arrive at the tiki-bar, “Tonga” and pick up a giant chest that they’re suppose to bring to their next destination. They assume it’s to the “Great American Music Hall” since that’s what one of the stickers on top of it says. They take it with them around the building as they try to figure out where that is.
If Phil’s dead hooker is inside of that, this is officially my favorite show of all time.
Back with the Cowboys, Cord’s FINALLY realized he needs to Jet to spin around. Team Such As figures out quickly (by watching the Cowboys – DUH!!!) that they need spin and the teams are now neck and neck. Both teams now head off to “Tonga” but…
First Ms. Teen checks to make sure her boobs are bigger than the ones she had in virtual world.
The Lover Brothers now have an address and start hiking it to the destination while towing the trunk.
Team Such As speeds off in their taxi when Ms. Teen asks..
“Where’s our money and stuff?”
Ahhhh – yet another priceless “TAR” moment! The look on Brent’s face was worth a million dollars alone. He then flips the fuck out! Hey Caite! Tell him you wanna punch his face! Now’s the perfect time!
Meanwhile, the Cowboys quickly arrive to the Tonga Room and find out from their taxi driver where the Music Hall is. So they bust a move and start running with the trunk while the Lover Brothers piss and moan at each other while carrying it.
Meanwhile, Laurel and Hardy are crackin’ jokes along the way.
The Lover Brothers arrive at the Music Hall and it’s a memory challenge – A VERY EASY MEMORY CHALLENGE! Although – Phil starts by reminding us that San Fran was the heart of psychedelic rock and inside the trunk…
“There are 20 hits of acid. Take this and continue to the pit stop on a green unicorn made of marzipan and…”
Damn it. Stupid boring album covers.
They just need to put posters of the previous teams up in the order they were eliminated. Luckily for Jordan, he was smart enough to write all of them down because he’s watched the show so many times. The boys get right to it and are QUICK about it. They finish in minutes and get the final clue…
“Suck a Dick?! Buy a trick?! Alan Thicke?!?! TELL US!!!”
OHHHH! Thanks Alan! PS – Your son needs to shave.
The Lover Bros quickly figure out that the final pit stop is “Candlestick Park”, home of the 49ers. Just as they head out, the Cowboys arrive. It’s still a close game. Especially since the Lover Bros are having a hard time finding a taxi while the Cowboys are throwing up the poster boards much faster than I thought they would.
Back with Team Such As… hahahahahah… Just kidding. We won’t be seeing them again. Byeeeeee!
Now I’m stressed! The Lover Brothers finally get a taxi just as the Cowboys finish up and quickly guess “Candlestick Park”. It’s now a taxi-race to the finish!!! Is it close?! I can’t tell! Damn editing!
Side note: Has anyone else noticed how much Cord likes jumping over things?
The taxis speed towards the park and soon we see the final pit stop with Phil and all of this season’s rejects. Always a fun trip down memory lane!
She’s still alive! And FIERCE!
Who the fuck are those two?
The music builds and it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… and it’s…. TEAM LOVER BROTHERS!
DAMN IT!!!!!! Ugh. Well… At least they’ll have money for a beautiful wedding now.
Everyone’s cheering like crazy since they’re all teams that the Lover Bros never pissed off. And SOME PEOPLE are ECSTATIC that it’s NOT Team Such As that won…
“Patty Cake, Patty Cake, we’ll kill Caite!”
Next up, the Cowboys arrive to thunderous cheers and “Awww shucks” they’re just happy they raced with dignity (dig at Team Lover Bros!) and are proud to tell people they won second. Awww… Like my Dad always said, “Second place is first loser.”
And then… they actually made it… Team Such As! Did you feel it drop 40 degrees?! That’s because Team Lesbians give them the COLDEST shoulder possible on the way in! Love it. Phil asks Caite why she wanted to be on the race. Basically just so we can get plenty of reaction shots of the Lesbians.
Carol: “Be nice. The camera’s on us. SMILE!” Brandy: “I want to eat her @%#! face off!!!”
Then Phil asks if there’s anything Ms. Teen wants to say to the Lesbians. OH NOOOOO!!!!!! What?!!? This never happens at the last pit stop! He’s trying to cram in the “reunion show” I’ve been lobbying for! YEAH!!! Let her rip!!!
“My bad! Love you! Misses kisses!”
AHHHHHHH!!! DUCK AND COVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brandy flips out and basically tells Ms. Teen to eat shit and she’s not accepting an apology! Hahahaha! What a mess! Ms. Teen shoots back that they should’ve been nicer and Brandy says, “You can’t handle it?!” to which Ms. Teen fires back “I am handling it – I’m up here and it’s not you.” OHHHHHHH SNAP!!!!!! BRANDY YOU JUST GOT SERVED!!! That’s the smartest thing Ms. Teen has said all season! To which Brandy says…
NOTHING. For the first time EVER! Dear Carol, Either gauge your eardrums now or run far, far away.
So that settled that argument – for now. Gosh I hope they get a reality show together. Or guest star on “The View” on the same day. OMG! They could be the new “Rosie and Elisabeth”!
Jordan ends by saying that the two of them can do anything together because “they’re on the same team”. I KNEW IT!!!!!!
So that’s it!!! I’m totally bummed it wasn’t the Cowboys, especially because I feel like Jordan made a dick move at the airport, but I’ll learn from Brandy and just let things go.
I hope you all enjoyed reading this season as much as I enjoyed writing for you. I take that back – I spent many a night pounding my @#$%! head into the computer trying to think of something funny to say about nothing. So I hope you enjoyed it MUCH more than I did. Thanks for all of your comments everyone! You’re all amazing!!! Get it?! GET IT?!?! Oh fuck it.