First off, according to our stolen DirectTV, this episode is titled: “I Cannot Deal With Your Psycho Behavior, Austria!” Sounds like a really bad sitcom, or a hoarders style intervention show that confronts entire nations.
6 teams remaining! And they are:
Globetrotters (Flight Time & Big Easy)
Fake Trotters (Zev & Justin)
Brokeback (Airplane & Twine)
White Daddy Issues (Now the only father/daughter team, Gary & Mallory)
Peepants (Kisha & Jen)
Team Edward (Kent & Vyxsin, ugh)
We now take you back, briefly, to Varanasi, home of cows. Only to tell you that teams must fly to Vienna, Austria. The only thing Phil can say about Vienna is that it’s 40 degrees cooler there. Is this episode brought to us by North Face? Oh no, it’s brought to us by Ford Focus! Oh yeah! Ford Focus! Yes! That means that Berry and I have another chance to say Ford Focus so many times that maybe Ford will send us one!
Bring it on, product placement!
The Globetrotts are happy to go to Austria because, of course, that’s where the Terminator is from. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Terminator. Is that true? That the Terminator robot was manufactured and programmed in Austria? I guess that’s not one of the memorable plot points. Flight Time starts doing his best Terminator impression and says, “We are very excited to be getting out of India. I’ll be back, but not to India, hopefully.” The Amazing Race makes these people hate countries! First China, now India! Globe & Fake Trotts are in a travel agency booking tickets. So tense!
Team Peepants head out. Jen says how they are blood related so they are close. Oh, Sisters. Sisters?! This whole time I assumed that meant sistas. White Daddy Issues is on the move. Followed by Brokeback. Jet says that they’re happy to be heading to Vienna because they’re done “playing cowboys and Indians.” Cute. But how do you explain the arrowhead scars? Weird.
“I has a flavr”
Team Edward mentions that they are the only “dating couple” left in the race. Vyx is trying really hard to convince us that they have a romantic relationship. Kent should win an award for most pussy whipped gay guy ever. I mean he’s only in a “romantic relationship” with her because she is a father figure to him, right?
Teams are all booking their flights. Brokeback chose to take a different flight from everyone else. One that would get in a half hour later but have less connecting flights. They are rolling the dice! But that’s how they like it, living on the edge, shooting themselves in the foot on purpose for some reason. They say that when they separate themselves from the group they’ll either win big, or lose big. And if they win big, they’ll be Big & Rich and be able to be on the Celeb Apprentice!
“I love you more and more every day.”
The teams get to Vienna and find the fabulous Ford Focus parking garage. They each get in their luxurious Ford Focus. Phil IS IN THE SPACIOUS FORD FOCUS!! He’s on the screen telling them to put the car in reverse and read the letters on the parking garage floor as they back up. It’s like the Back to the Future ride! He flat out tells them that the prize for this leg is a Ford Focus. Kent, “I love this Ford Focus.” You took the words right out of our mouths, Kent. For the first and last time.
Gary is the one who can’t figure out how to work the future car. Well, Gary is the oldest person in the race. He may be a spring chicken compared to Mel White, but he’s still old enough that I bet he calls Facebook, The Facebook.
Just an FYI, we still haven’t found that special Amazing Race Snapple. I’m getting hives from anticipation I want to taste it so bad!
Finally Gary & Mallory figure out how to put the car in reverse. Brokeback shows up in last place, but gets the clue pretty quick. Teams are now trying to find Schloss Schallaburg. Man, I wish Phil was in our car. He’d be the best GPS EVER!
“Teams must turn right in .3 miles.”
All the teams have to stop at various gas stations and passersbyers to ask what the heck Schloss Schallaburg is. The answer, it’s a castle. When they get to the castle a princess beckons them up the stairs. Fake Trotts get there and leave first. Kent keeps calling the Princess a “special man” and “him.” Dude’s got some serious gender identifying problems. I mean it’s pretty obvious that when he was a baby his mom painted his toe nails pink for a catalog photo shoot.
“Subscribe to my olde timey blog.”
I think I want the Globetrotters to win. Berry wants that Special Princess Man to win. Cuz she/he’s had a hard day. Brokeback is not really hustling as fast as you’d think they would considering they are totally in last place, by a lot. Seem like they’re getting pretty cocky. Or maybe they’re just giving up because they can’t find chewing tobacco anywhere outside of America.
Teams are now heading to a library for their next clue. And presumably some sort of task. What if the whole episode was just a flat out scavenger hunt? Or a photo scavenger hunt! Berry and I were in one of those once. A group of bachelorettes wanted to get their picture taken with us because they had to cross “sad old busted couple” off their list.
As much as we want a brand new Ford Focus for free, we would NOT want to be in Team Edward’s. Vyx is bitching at Kent to stop acting like a chick. Kent stop acting like a chick? Um…I think she’s just as confused about Kent as Kent is.
Teams run into the elaborate, gorgeous, historical library to get the clue. They get their clue for the:
DETOUR BABY!! Long Hard Walk or Quick & Easy Meal. Sounds like the story of my life.
In Long Hard Walk teams must carry an analysts couch from Sigmund Freud’s office to the University of Vienna one mile away. In Quick & Easy Meal they have to lick their plates clean on a ferris wheel, they have 12 minutes which is 1 rotation on the ferris wheel. Fake Trotts & Peepants are like WE NEED TO EAT!! THE EATING ONE!! Yeah! Berry & I are drooling just thinking about it! Peepants head to the ferris wheel and we catch Jen talking about the big wiener she’s gonna eat. Geez lady, save the sex-life talk for the pitstop!
GlobeTrotts are going to move the couch. WAIT WHAT?! FLIGHT TIME PEED ON THE LIBRARY!! NO!!!!!!! I am very, very against public urination. Especially in the day, especially when you’re sober and especially when it’s on a beautiful historic building! Flight Time, I am so disappointed in you! Berry doesn’t really care one way or the other.
Too Fast Too Furious
Fake Trotts and Peepants start stuffing the food. Man that food looks so good! It’s not even eyeballs or tapeworms or something. Plus there’s chocolate cake! Screw the Ford Focus how do we get that meal for free?! The teams are having a hard time scarfing. But they have a whole 12 minutes. Berry and I don’t see how this is a challenge whatsoever. Seriously, we can’t figure out why they can’t do this. Peepants bails. Daddy Issues come in as Peepants leaves. Peepants says it’s easy. Fake Trotts do the exact same thing.
As the Globetrotts move the couch, Flight Time has some insight into Freud’s methods, “I guess he just enjoyed couches and relaxing on couches. Doing his philosophical thing laying on the couch and having his weird Freudean slips and things like that.” Wow, it’s like he memorized a community college’s Psychology 101 text book.
Team Edward is behind the Trotts, followed by Peepants. Peepants is filled with fried food and Jen fears she might barf on the couch. Well, whatever makes room for the giant wiener you’re gonna eat later.
Back to Daddy Issues in the food wheel. They have four minutes left and they’ve got a ton of food left. Berry is really upset with them. Berry: “FOUR MINUTES LEFT?! WHAT DID YOU F*CKING DO FOR EIGHT MINUTES?! YOU ATE THE SALAD! WHY WOULD YOU SAVE THE MEAT TO THE END YOU R*TARDS!” He gets very passionate about portions. So, obviously, Daddy Issues didn’t make it. Mallory offers a solution, “I can throw up and we can try again.” Now that’s a good team member, but also the last thing you’d want your daughter to say.
Back on the streets of Vienna, Big Easy throws the analyst couch over his shoulder like it’s a bindle sack.
Peepants, Team Edward & Fake Trotts struggle with the couch. A lot of whining coming from Team Edward. Kent is doing this weird high pitched screeching that may very well summon the devil. Brokeback caught up and are all cocky about it.
Why would she pay someone to do it herself?
Trotts did the couch quickly. But Flight Time fell on some stairs hard! Yowch! I would know, I fell down the front stairs of the recycling plant earlier this week. All of that can collecting money went straight to some Advil. Lame. The Trotts are off to the next stop. They have to drive to Salzburg and find the Schtinbrau restaurant to find their next clue. While they drive their practical yet gratifying Ford Focus, Flight Time continues his lecture on Freud. “He had dreams about sleeping with his mom and all that kinda crazy stuff.” In a nutshell. The Harlem Globetrotters should do a debate competition with the Washington Generals.
Kent is really freaking out. He’s whining and screaming about everyhing. He’s even scared of the glass doors. Vyx says that he has to stop being negative to which he replies, “I’m not negative, I’m happy.” She’s not letting him off the hook that easy! They finally deliver their couch and head to Salsbury Steak Country in their super fly Ford Focus.
FakeTrotts get bad directions and took the bed up 3 flights of stairs, just enough wasted time for Brokeback to pull ahead. Let’s all get real, thank God Ron didn’t have to carry a couch a mile. Right? Actually he would have done the eating one. They still would have lost because they’d just have to keep doing it over and over again, but at least he could eat unlimited Austrian food in a ferris wheel with his daughter one last time before she gets married.
Team Edward is freaking out for no reason. “I’m never going to speak to you again, I can’t handle this.” Would you, could you, in a Ford Focus? A Ford Focus can ease relationship pain. Berry and I would be happy to show you, if only we had a free Ford Focus.
Road Block! Trotts get there first. One team member has to dress up as a chimney sweep, sweep a chimney, and get the clue. Step in Time! Get a clue step in time! Vyx is still bitching, she must be going through menopause. Wait, can transgendereds have menopause?
Oh yeah. No one parties harder.
Big Easy is done chimney sweeping already! Zev has to select a chimney sweep to help him, “I choose you.” Aw he’s so Ralph Wiggum, “I cho-cho-choose you!” Then he turns into Michael Scott and makes a “that’s what she said” joke. I hope Austin Powers is next on his reference check list.
“Your chimney was filled with Smurf intestines!”
Brokeback is into chimney sweeping. Cord is like, “the chicks dig it!” He also boasts that it’s not his first day to use a rope. He used one once before, a little tiny rope that you run in between your teeth to remove food that’s gotten stuck. So, it’s his second day to use a rope.
Teams race off to see Phil at the pistop which is the Von Trapp home from The Sound of Music.
Berry! I’m having that dream again…….
Fake Trotts beat the Trotts! Phil is so happy to tell them. They win the Ford Foci. One each. No more, no less.
“We’re going to consummate our special friendship in the back of the Ford Focus!”
Trotts come in second, they are bummed that they didn’t win the cars. Team Edward is team three. Vyx says, “that all day they’ve been HOT-COLD-HOT-COLD, and it’ s the best we’ve done so far, maybe we just need to fight more.” Kent is so defeated, he’s like a beaten down pound puppy, he doesn’t even have the strength to contemplate disagreeing now.
Peepants comes in 4th. Brokeback is 5th. Cord, “It’s time to step it up or we’re going to go home.” He smiles so intensely. It’s eery. (White) Daddy Issues arrives, “I’m sorry to tell you that you’re at the back of the pack. This is a non-elimination round.” They are saved! Gary has some unfinished business, to exact revenge upon Kent for breaking his promise to help him. Mal & Gar are thrilled and Mallory thinks that the third times a charm! Gotta say, I think they blew a great opportunity to eliminate someone in the Von Trapp house, because you know Phil’s always wanted to sing, “so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, you’ve been eliminated from the race…..”
“Next week on the Amazing Race………” Wait! Stop! That wasn’t Phil doing the voiceover! They got some sh*tty lame dude! Weird, so weird and yucky! Now I know how those people feel who were angry when Paula left American Idol. Betrayed, confused, raw. That also describes our sex life. Okay y’all have a good week and see ya for the final 6! (Again!) xo Franberry