The Amazing Race: Plunder Down Under

Fran and Berry here!  The Oscars are over and it’s time to get you out of your Franco induced stoner-host coma and into some intense racing!

Previously on the Amazing Race, 11 teams came back for a beating! A world beating.
Team Globetrotters (Flight Time and Big Easy)
Team U-Turn (Amanda and Kris)
Team Fake Trotters (Zev and Justin)
Team Brokeback (Jet and Cord)
Team ASL (Margie and Luke)
Team Edward (Kent and Vyxsin)

“We’re going to the Outback STAKE house!”

Team White Daddy Issues (Mallory and Gary)
Team Asian Daddy Issues (Ron and Christina)

“Have you met my daughter/ventriloquist dummy?”

Team Sexy Redheaded Twins (Cara and Jaime)
Team Peepants (Kisha and Jen)
Team White (Mel and Mike-daddy issues here too!)

Team Brokeback is still back in last week’s episode trying to decipher the boat/flag clue. They keep saying, “Son of a Buck!” At least that’s what I think he’s saying….

“You can tell I’m evil, cuz I wear the black hat.”

The teams that have already passed Phil need to figure out they need to go to a sculpture of an anchor at Town Hall. There, they sign up for their flight out of Sydney. The first flight leaves at 6am and the second leaves at 6:30am.

Gary and Mallory are in the lead followed by Team U-Turn. Team U-Turn reminds us that they’ve been U-Turned before. Then they show a string of clips of them getting U-Turned and they talk for a while about how they got screwed by being U-Turned. I wish we could U-Turn time and stop their mothers from getting pregnant with them.

Zev and Justin (Fake Trotters) say people won’t take them seriously as contenders because Jev has Asperger’s. BUT THEY SHOULD DAMMIT!! JUST BECAUSE HE CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO OPEN A TRUNK OR SAY ‘SYDNEY’ RIGHT DOESN’T MEAN HE’S DEAF OR SOMETHING!

The Trotters tell us they are very similar to each other because they both love crawfish, but they are also very different because one of them has tattoos while the other has piercings.  Of course, the tattoo is of a piercing and the piercing is a celtic knot on the small of his back.  But still, WAYYYYY different.

Team ASL wants to stick with the Redheads because they need someone to be dependent on so they can blame them later for any trouble they encounter. Plus, Luke is like super horny and can’t control his sex signing. He confesses to the camera that they are his, “race girlfriends.” I doubt he’d sign that to their face though.

Asian Daddy Issues are so bllaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! Christina can’t take it already. Flash back to clips of her crying telling her dad that he has to change. He says he’s sleep deprived so he can be a giant dick if he wants. Plus, she be nagging on him!! This team drove me INSANE the first round. Why do people think that The Amazing Race is a substitute for group therapy?

Team Brokeback FINALLY gets the clue and heads to the skiff thing from last week. And yes, they are saying, “Son of a Buck” it was subtitled.

Team Peepants goes to the Maritime Museum. Zev and Justin meet them there. Wrong place, but there is a computer so they all find out the correct location and get going.

White Men Can’t Jump…….or walk?

Team White messed up his leg while walking up a curb. So, they’re probably gonna quit. Good news is…Mike White is wearing an “I like turtles” t-shirt. They get on a big wet fairy and Dad White crumples on the seats. He’s dying. We’ve never seen a person die on the Amazing Race. Mike is crying, jotting down in his brain a eulogy. Margie even looks concerned, but maybe she’s afraid they’ll get a rascal or something and be able to outrun her in a foot race.

While on the fabulous, rough fairy ride Team ASL grabbed some lady’s computer and started googling where the sculpture is. They are onto Town Hall. Needless to say the Redheaded twinsies are in on it too.

They arrive to the mainland and disperse to find the sculpture. While most teams are running into travel agencies and shops, Dad White sheepishly approaches a passerby and gives out a meek, Dickensian, “Could you help us…..we’re desperate.” That could be an awesome strategy, or a terrible one.

Fake Trotters and Peepants are the first to find the sculpture and check in. Then Team ASL and Redheads get signed in. They are so happy that they made the first flight, they are screaming and cheering and bouncing up and down and Luke is doing anything he can to accidentally brush one of their side boobs. Seriously, they are celebrating so much you’d think that they’d have already won the damn race. YOU DIDN’T!

Brokeback FINALLY checks in with Phil. We can’t believe Phil’s been standing on that beach a whole week!

At this point, all the teams are signed up for a flight and they rest for the evening. Brokeback wanders around Sydney all day and all night looking for the sculpture. They were pretty good last time they did this right? Did they get extra dumb? How do you get WORSE at the Amazing Race? That’s a dumb question, they’ve all gotten a lot worse.

The first plane is boarding. Dad White tries to hit on Kisha. Awkward! Especially because I thought he was gay? Mike White’s bag must be filled with ironic hats. He’s wearing a new one every time we see him! Plus, how does he find time to write an hour everyday? Like a good writer should? Just ask Stephen King!  Hopefully his next movie will be based on racing around the world. Spoiler Alert: In the 2nd act he has to cope with losing his dad in Tanzania. Okay wait, his hat says “Yeast Lords,” which is the story within the movie Gentlemen Broncos. So I guess it’s more promotion than irony.

The teams fly to another area of Australia. Broken Hill. Broken Hill sounds so mysterious! Sounds like a Syfy/CW hybrid. Berry and I will write the pilot for it. The logline: A group of mysterious deaf boys find themselves town between a rogue sect of sexy redheads and their demanding mother.  Also they have powers.  Supernatural powers.  Wednesdays at 8PM.

Anyway, they have to drive themselves to the Living Desert, deep in the outback and find their next clue.

All the teams get a little screen time yelling at each other about who is going to drive and what a map is. Zev makes an Outback Steak House joke and we think we’re in love, while Dad White slams Kisha’s slow driving! I guess his crush wore off.

“Now open your eyes and don’t try to “talk” while you’re driving!”

Flight #2 is on the ground.

Team U-Turn reminisces about having been U-Turned.

Asian Daddy Issues are sadly, bad drivers.

DETOUR!! Aboriginal freak out! Spirit World or Natural World!

In Spirit World you have to make a mosaic then dance on it to raise your ancestral spirits. In Natural world you gargle with paint and spit on your hand. Then there is Outerworld where you take peyote and chase your spirit animal out into the desert. Your spirit animal is invariably Phil wearing fox ears. Okay, Outerworld wasn’t a real one, it’s what Berry and I are planning for our next camping trip. Get it? Camping TRIP? HAhaHa! Drug puns are soooo good!

Fake Trotters are doing Spirit World because, as Zev points out, he is autistic AND artistic. Either way he’s real good at art projects.

EVERYONE is doing Spirit World. Really? The guzzling paint one looks way easier. Maybe they didn’t bother to read the second option.

“My aboriginal name is Polar Bear.”

Dad White got a cramp from sprinkling soil on his mosaic. For him this race is not only for a million dollars, it’s about moving around fast enough so that the Grim Reaper can’t find him.

Team Edward keeps screaming, “Vyxsin help me, I need you to get me children!” Kent repeated this for far too long. Almost as though it’s something he normally cries out. Team Edward finishes the mosaic first but they don’t dance atop their art, they dance around it. Plus insisting on having children present was not necessary.

Ron and Christina are passive aggressively fighting. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Kick them off now!!

“Please, leave our land forever.”

“Seriously, stop disrespecting our culture and GO!”

FACT: Taking your shirt off helps you run the Amazing Race faster.

Team U-Turn heads to Natural World to complete that task as well. I don’t know if you remember but they have to do both BECAUSE THEY WERE U-TURNED!

Ron is bitching about how he can’t dance because of his back surgery. Then he dumps out the entire contents of his jacket that Christina is disgusted by, “Daddy it’s like a market.” I would need back surgery too if I carried bottles of shampoo in my coat pockets.

Team U-Turn may have been U-Turned but they agree with us that Natural World is WAY easier than Spirit World and took them way less time to do.

Team Bill and Sookie

ROADBLOCK!

Teams go to a tiny town and put on Kangaroo outfits and bouncy moon shoes. They get a copy of the periodic table of elements with Hg and Bi highlighted. Based on that they have to figure out that they need to go to the intersection of Mercury Street and Bismuth Street. Berry will be impressed if anyone knows that Hg is Mercury. Brokeback will know, I assume you have to have some understanding of chemistry to have a methadone lab.

Immediately Team ASL attaches themselves to Fake Trotters. Because they can’t do anything by themselves. Margie can’t function on those moon shoes.

 

The four kangaroos of the apocalypse.  Beware. BEWARE!

Our hypothesis about Brokeback being periodically inclined was proven false.

One of the Redheads is bragging about how she’s never been in a kangaroo costume before but she does have a little green bunny suit. Wait, what NFL team’s mascot is a little green bunny? None of them are, none of them! Wait a minute…she must be a furry!

Kent knows that Hg is Mercury. Berry is screaming, he’s so happy that someone didn’t have to cheat by asking a passerby to use their iPhone. Because that’s cheating right? If it’s not, it should be!

Margie from Team ASL dropped her shoe covering and is freaking out and has to go back and get it.

Fake Trotters are first to check in and they win a romantic “artistic” trip to Cancun.

Psst, your “roo” is showing.

Both father/daughter teams paired up. Ron: “Now whatever you’re saying, I’d like to discuss the opposite of that, oh geeze!” Berry does a really good impression of Ron and since he won’t stop I might have to divorce him. Why can’t he constantly be doing a Dean Cain impression!? I could get behind that, or under it!! Superman that ho!

Ron: “No, I don’t want to do what’s right, I want to do the opposite of that!” For some reason Ron HATES Mallory. Maybe he’s sexually attracted to her. They cut the cord and stop following Gary and Mallory, at which point Gary and Mallory check in while Ron and Christina promptly get lost.

When Ron and Christina finally make it to the pitstop Ron says, “give me good news Bill.” To which Phil replies,”Ron, did you just call me Bill?” He did. Then Asian Daddy Issues spew out all of their problems with each other and how they’re working on their relationship and blah blah blah! No one even asked them! They meant to be racing to Dr. Phil. Cuz this Phil is NOT interested, and that Australian miner is even less interested.

“And then when she was ten I questioned how hard to push her on the swingset….”

“I’d rather be trapped in a mine.”

Last to arrive is Team U-Turn. “Amanda and Kris, I’m sorry to tell you that you have been U-Turned FOREVER.” What a huge bummer. They are good sports and that’s that!

“See you in another U-Turn, brotha.”

Next week on the Amazing Race: Japanese traditional mud wrestling, chasing waterfalls, and a sexy redheaded car accident. We can’t wait!! Fran and Berry OUT!