The Amazing Race Season 19 Episode 1:
Thanks for joining us for another beautiful, sweaty, confusing, language barrier-ing season of The Amazing Race. This season promises to excite and inspire the adventurer in all of us. Well, it would if we could still walk down stairs without a chair lift.
Since last season this is what we’ve been up to: Fran got a tattoo, Berry wishes he’d have recovered from his knee replacement surgery before the fire, and our yearly camping trip was cut short by a drunken elk that had plans of his own!
Anyway…We now begin season 19 at the world famous southern Californian coast. Made famous by the California Adventure ride, “Soarin’.”
Phil is looking freshly shorn and ready to explain anything and everything. The contestants ride in on an insane decked out Amazing Race bus, inspired by Sarah Palin’s One Nation/We the People bus.
“The World is Waiting, so get the hell out of our way!”
They’re heading to the starting point, the International Buddhist Progress Society. Wait, Buddhists don’t progress, they just “are.”
Starting the race here is so Zen…it makes us want to maintain a motorcycle and make analogies about Pooh Bear. Did anyone see Phil pointing at the teams? Then did he really do it? ZZZeeennn,….
Okay, it’s time! Let’s meet the jerks!!
Team Snowboard: Tommy & Andy, a couple of real hipster dudes, hittin’ tasty snow waves and doing their best “Hippies” impression from Season 9.
Team Survivor: Ethan and Jenna. Former winners of survivor/lovers/cancer survivors. So…..both kinds of survivors.
“Um, you’re supposed to come out of a cake, or a door.”
Team Sailboat: Laurence & Zac. Zac is the youngest person to go around the world in a sailboat alone and Laurence is the Toddler and Tiara Mom of the sailboat world. We actually wish they had his daughter on instead. She’s the one who got halfway around and had to be rescued. I bet there’s a lot of interesting daddy/daughter tension there.
Team WTF: Ernie and Cindy. No offense, but WTF. What’s the deal with these two? Why are they here? They’re just…kinda weird. And therefore our favorites so far!
Team Brother/Sister: Dustin and Jennifer. That team name will definitely change, we’re just not sure how crazy they are going to be and which of their personalities is going to explode first. Will it be his finger wavin’ “nuh-huh girlfriend!” attitude, or her bitchy Tyra Banks wanna-be attitude. Only a race around the world will tell.
Team Cathi with an “i”: Bill and Cathi, with an i! Okay, this is the Fran and Berry category! How cute that they keep letting old people try to be on this show. Take it from us, we can’t hack it! The graphic keeps saying they are married grandparents from Oregon. We really hope they’re not parents. They are ONLY grandparents. Also, DAAAAAAmn she has a tiny face.
Best ventriloquist act ever.
Team Twin Boobs: Liz and Marie. Hot blonde rollerbladers. They tell us they have been together “since birth,” just in case you weren’t sure what twins were. MOVING ON!
Team Breakup: Jeremy and Sandy. According to their intro video, they’re both divorced, he’s a misogynistic dick and she can’t pretend how to play golf. He says he’s using the race to decide if he wants to buy a car or a wife. The countdown to her crying and them breaking up starts…..NOW!
Team PanHam: Ron and Bill, sweaty flight attendants/lovers. I thought it will be interesting to see how being flight attendants helps them on the race. Fran tells me they have had flight attendants on before. A lot of these people run together for me.
Team Colts: Amani and Marcus. HE played football and loves to name drop. SHE loves that he played football and name drops. They’re perfect for each other! Also, Barry thinks he looks like Stringer Bell, so nobody better step to him!
It’s all part of the game, Barksdale crew represent!
Team Smart Boobs: They’re not just Vegas cocktail waitresses with extreme camel toe, they’re smart too! I bet they know how to dupe men out of hundreds of dollars a night. Seriously though, these girls are dying to prove how smart they are. I bet that turns out well.
And now BACK TO THE RACE!
Phil gives them the spiel at the foot of this Buddhist temple. The one who gets to the pitstop first wins an express pass.
And surprise, their first challenge starts now! And it’s a Word Puzzle, and you have to…um..there’s umbrellas…and sort of letters something…and you have to….find letters…or one letter….and show Phil an umbrella…WHAT?! What the hell is going on?!?! Phil, you have three jobs. To point at people who are coming towards you. To tell them what place they arrived at you. And to explain the challenges. I understand the explaining is the hardest one, but you are getting sloppy my man. This was a mess!! Somebody call that dude from Tool Academy and have him standing by.
So, as best we can figure, there are like a ton of letters. They have to figure out that they’re going to Taipei Taiwan, based on six letters and Phil will raise his eyebrow. As usual, Phil’s eyebrow rises to the occasion. Stand down, Tool Academy dude. Not yet. Soon.
Team Snowboard gets it first. Then Team Colts. They run into their cars and Phil talks to them on the screen Max Headrom style. A reference totally lost on Fran. Which may be for the best, whose stupid idea was it to turn a guy inside a computer who sells Coke into a TV show? And the guy couldn’t even talk right, he had a stutter. Computers should not have stutters! Sorry, Berry needs to take a nap with his Pillow Pet. (It’s the dolphin one.)
“Help, I was shrunk down and injected into a Cheeto!”
So, car screen Phil tells them they’re going to Taipei and they’re like “awesome!!!” Quickly, everyone’s getting the right umbrella and it’s neck and neck and neck. Turduckin’ style!
Cue theme song baby!!! DRAMA! Emmy winning DRAMA!!! So Many Emmys!
And they’re on their way to the airport! Most of these teams are from Southern California, so why don’t they know how to get to the airport? Weird. Know where the LAX airport is! It’s the one thing you can count on right away in The Amazing Race!
Team Smart Boobs finish last in the spelling contest. They got a hazard penalty. Oh Team Smart Boobs, and you so badly wanted to be smart. Oh well.
And to make it worse, Team Smart Boobs stops to get directions and drop their passport at the Shell gas station!! The only thing that falls out of the car is the passport? Why are you just holding your passport in your lap or on the seat? Wouldn’t you like, keep that shit in a zipper compartment or something. I know I would. I did. Or put it in your cleavage like you do with your smartly earned cocktail waitressing money. The backseat Team Smart Boobs girl is so freaked out she is going to vomit all over the car. Gross. Please don’t. They turn back to check the shell floor, but it wasn’t there. They wonder if another team has it. For some reason……
All the other teams are all checking in at the airport and the dad from Team Sailboat REALLY is relishing asking for tickets to flight…wait for it…”007.” Oh man, he loved saying that. Such a dad joke. Then, Team Smart Boobs shows up at the airport screaming “You need to communicate with me.” “Communicate what?!” This is going really well.
Meanwhile, the survivor people don’t want to reveal to their competition that they were on Survivor. But everybody already knows. I bet that Colts guy is going crazy hoping someone recognizes him too, so he can tell more stories about protecting Peyton Manning. That guy won’t shut up about Peyton Manning. Sounds like an unrequited bro-mance to us.
“Guuurlll…you better WORK!”
And now, we come to the best gift the Amazing Race could have given us. Ryan Storms. Ryan Storms, hero, Twitterer, possible friends with one of the producers. Ryan “Stormy” Storms was the passerby who tweeted that he found a passport and was told to bring it to LAX. The girls try to thank him, but he is too busy soaking up his 15 minutes of fame.
“#Thelife is so crazy I don’t have time learn proper #grammar!”
Who is Ryan Storms? According to his Twitter bio Ryan Storms(TM) is an Artistic Director, Graphic Artist, Photographer and “Apparel Stylist for You & the STARS ” So, douchebag.
And now, lucky Amazing Race recap readers, here are a few of Ryan Storms’ “Amazing” past tweets.
“I’m sorry but if you never swing for the fence you’ll never get a #homerun.” Don’t be sorry Ryan Storms that’s just #TheLife.
“My boy @djscottyboy is ripping this place a new one!!!!”
“Without a #plan what’s the point of an #idea??”
“Is #status the value of who you are or is #status the value of what’s in your bank account?? INteresting question…”
“We just rolled up to heat #PartyRock in this #YeaaaaBitch”
Yes. Ryan Storms is our modern day Voltaire.
If you are interested in more of Ryan Storms tweets don’t miss his 9/16/11 Pour Hour escapades. Look below this picture of @ryanstorms for an ACTUAL tweet from his Pour Hour livetweet.
ANYWAY….The contestants arrive in Taiwan and go to the Ximending commercial district to find a billboard. We get the feeling that Team WTF is scared as shit of Team Colt. Hilarious.
And here goes Team Colt name dropping Peyton Manning again. Meanwhile his partner has not said one word. She may be mute.
All the teams are running around looking for the sign. They’re getting distracted because all of the people around are wearing hats and underwear that are red and yellow (The race colors). Uh, we don’t think that weird shirtless dude with the red and yellow underwear who’s throwing out a bag of garbage is waiting to give you a clue. Good try though!
DO NOT APPROACH THIS MAN!
Team BrotherSister are already fighting. A lot. She really IS a hothead, he was right. She says she is “over it,” and “I could care less, Justin, I really could.” Relax! You’re ONE DAY in! Also, the brother looks like a mix between Ru Paul not in drag, Carlton from the Fresh Prince, Steve Urkel from Family Matters and Gus from Breaking Bad. Just saying, two of those characters are gay. And I’m pretty sure the other two are closeted. Just saying.
The teams need to realize that instead of looking for red and yellow stripes they are looking for red and yellow balloons and it is blowing their minds and making it almost impossible to figure out! Finally teams start to see the giant billboard they need and have locals translate the Chinese symbols for them.
The Team WTF girl says she can’t read it, but she can copy letters kinda well, since she took “seven years of Chinese school hopefully?” WTF! 7 years and all you can do it kinda copy. And what does she mean “hopefully.” She hopefully took 7 years of Chinese school, but it might have been just a guy in his basement who looked Chinese? …And we’re pretty sure she said Confusion instead of Confuscious. WTF?
Teams start heading to the Taipei Confuscious Temple.
Except for Team Cathi with an “i.” Oh boy. Bill & Cathi might be here for a minute. Or six hours. And to make it even more excruciating Bill makes a joke about ordering Chinese food. His dad jokes are so bad they’re dad’s dad jokes. Grandparent jokes.
Roadblock! Teams will have to memorize a Confucius proverb from a pay phone and recite it verbatim to a monk.
If there’s one thing the Chinese love it’s “Larry Crowne.” So relatable.
Meanwhile Team Cathi with an “i” head to the tallest building in the city because they were supposed to “look up.” Maybe they should get in a rocketship instead. Or rent the movie “Up.” There are lots of terrible ideas they could have done. Oh please, Team Cathi with an “i,” please stop talking about how you teach our children when you are screwing up so badly. It makes so very sad for our future.
No one should sweat this much waiting for someone to use the phone.
So, the Amazing Race has apparently got a new graphic guy. And he hates Amazing race contestants. What is with that giant “Wrong” symbol that keeps getting slammed into the screen like we’re watching some Japanese game show? Relax graphic department!
Graphics like this are the first step towards an Amazing Race / Wipeout crossover.
Team WTF is the first to previous prepare for success and completes the roadblock. Team RuPaul/Tyra (just testing names out here) are next. Teams must now travel to a park and “search under a tree for your next clue.” Who designed this race a five year old girl?
The teams are on their way, and all four boobs agree that they have to think a lot harder. Yup.
Bill & Cathi are like out in the middle of no where. They claim to have done a lot of problem solving. They say that they’ll keep at it until they find a solution. Maybe the solution is to shut up and stop being so old. Wow, that was mean. Especially coming from us. Oh well. Haters gonna hate.
Team Survivor finally gets his previous preparation proverb right. Meanwhile, Team WTF is at the park, joining up with a dragon boat race team. Phil sexily tells us that one team member must paddle while the other must keep the rhythm of the drum. Awwww yeah. Wait, that wasn’t a metaphor? Oh, sorry. If they can complete the course the boat captain will give them their next clue. [Cut to a literal boatload of paddlers screaming, over and over and over again.]
“We’re constantly excited you’re in debt to us!!!!”
Cindy says “I feel so Asian right now.” Um, you are. Aren’t you? Hopefully?
Pit Stop! Martyr’s Shrine. These sacred grounds are the pitstop for the first leg of the race. The last team to check in may get @replied to by RyanStorms(TM).
Team Smart Boobs have to serve their personal hazard penalty and go to the Core City Pacific Mall and search the 11th floor for their next clue. The same mall Team Cathi with an “i” just went to and left, for no reason.
Blonde Twins are having a hard time on the Confucius phone call. Not as hard as Team Cathi with an “i,” spending four hours strolling around town. Maybe they have always just wanted to explore Taipei and they said that if they got to go there they’d forfeit the race and pretend to be dumbasses who couldn’t find a clue so they could relax and take in the sights and sounds of this enchanted island. Maybe…..
Smart Boobs have to bungee jump in a mall. One girl with the boobs says the last time she went bungee jumping her cord came undone a little. Really?? Um, never again thanks! She also makes a big deal about how she ALWAYS said she’d do anything for a million dollars ANYTHING…..she’s always said that. Gross.
Bungee Jumping in a mall? China is ahead of us on everything keep up mall of America!! Snoopy rollercoasters are so pre-Chinese invasion.
And down she goes, SMASH! Right into Forever 21. They do a bit of quick shopping and they’re on their way!
“Phil, we’re taping an intro, you don’t have time to go to Sephora!”
Back at the pay phone, Team Twin Boobs is having a really hard time remembering something she’s listened to, like, 200 times. I guess we feel bad for her. Or her twin, we’re not sure which is which.
We’re back at the Martyrs’ Shrine with lots of bad ass looking soldiers performing a changing of the guard every hour. Wow, overkill much China?
And it’s time for the classic Phil point! “Here they come,” Phil points to his stereotypical mat-mate! So exciting. SO glad the Race is back. This is what I think about during the off season.
Hey, that general looks green screened. Hmmm… Don’t make us second guess you Amazing Race. First the passport is miraculously found and now this. You’ve won too many Emmys to start pulling this shit.
“Welcome to wherever they say I am supposed to be!”
And the first team to win a leg for Season 19 is…TEAM WTF!? They won the Express Pass! In their confessional the dude calls Cindy a control freak, but in the sweetest, nicest way possible. I think this team may actually love each other! Weird.
Second to the mat is Team Break-Up. Looks like his girlfriend won’t get screamed at to sleep tonight! Hurray!
Third is Team Closeted/Hot Head (no, I don’t like that one).
“Oops! Sorry man, everybody in China wears these yellow and black boxers!”
The rest of the teams are still at the dragon boat race. This race must feel crazy short to Team Sailboat. “What do you mean we’re not going to go around Cape Horn? I though this was a boat!”
Peyton Manning bro-friend is really relishing the cheering crew team. It probably feels like the old days, you know when he would cheer at Peyton Manning for being so cool.
Team Twin Boobs finish their meltdown and head to the mat!
Cathi FINALLY gets it! YEAH!!…And they slowly stroll to their next stop. Oh, old people. Bill says, after 41 years of marriage, at the end of the day, no matter what kind of day….blah, bah, blah, sweet old grandparents stuff. It’s kind of boring, but we are excited to purchase their homemade line of “Crocheted Quotes” on Etsy. Or more likely, Regresty. They get their next clue and they have to travel by Taxi. Cathi says her dream has come true. Your dream is to hail a taxi?? Get a life, Cathi.
Fourth to the mat is Team Survivor. Fifth is Team Go Peyton Manning!
Sixth is Team Sailboat and Seventh is Team Snowboard. Do you think team Snowboard and Team Sailboat are mortal enemies? “No! h2O is better when it’s in liquid form, so you can float on it” “HELL NO, its better when it’s crystallized, so you can slide on it!” A fight that goes back to the dawn of stupid sports.
Eighth is Team PanHam and nine is Team Smart Boobs. Wow, really team Smart Boobs? We were so sure you were out. Thank goodness for a little angel name @RyanStorms(TM).
We think it’s going to be a big, edited-for-tension race between Team Twin Boobs and Team Cathi with an “i.” but Team Twins Boobs hits the mat right away, and they are ALL OVER Phil.
Bill & Cathi take a nice relaxing boat ride and saunter up to the mat where Phil will tell them they suck and old people should be sent out on an ice flow. HOWEVER….?!?!?!? WHAT!? they are still racing. And you can tell Bill is horrified. He was SO ready to be done. they already said these two days were the hardest of their entire life. And these are grandparents! These two and Mike White’s dad are going to have to start a “The Amazing Race Tried to Kill Me” support group. They have to pretend that they really want to race more. Plus, they will have a speed bump. Not to mention at the end of the next leg, there will be a double elimination! Cathi says, “We can put all of our energy into positive ideas about tomorrow.” Damn, Cathi is just a walking Ziggy cartoon isn’t she? Well, good luck with that! Also, Berry’s week one prediction is Team WTF for the win.
Tiny heads = Big winners!
Next week on The Amazing Race, no one can believe they did that!! Did what? We have no idea! Stay tuned and thanks for reading! xoFranBerry