Happy belated Halloween everyone! Hope you all had a great time and didn’t eat too much candy and get sick …Barry! He likes to eat Skittles until he pukes, he says the rainbow tastes just as good coming back up. Nasty Barry!
Barry’s Halloween costume for next year.
Anyway, last time on AR Team Peyton came in first, we found out the Snowbro’s were super Christians and Team TwinBoobs were Philiminated.
Hey, AR is trying to start a Twitter following by advertising “#theamazingrace” during the opening credits. Have they always been doing that? We’ve never seen it before! We’ll do our best to make it a trending topic AR! “@FranandBarry Stop puking Skittles! #theamazingrace”
So who’s is still in this Amazing game of Race? Six teams remain, the Snowbros, Sailboat, WTF, With an “I”, Misery and Peyton.
Our episode opens with Phil standing in a garden screaming about how beautiful and serene it is. Or was. Until all the cameras showed up.
Phil tells this THIS is the Kingdom of Thailand. Cool, got it.
Team Peyton leaves first at 7:22am. They are flying to Lilongwe Malawi in Africa! During their confessional they again drop the fact that they have four kids, which we are impressed with. But not only that, one of them is special needs! Wow, go Team Peyton! Well, except for the fact that Marcus Bell says he keeps telling himself that he has to be patient with her. Which means, he’s usually not? Bummer.
As they’re running to catch a cab Marcus Bell’s voice over is SUPER edited! “We have to- SHOW HER- that you can’t- EVER GIVE UP.” Damn AR, that was one poorly cobbled together line. Get it together!
Back sweat alert!!
Next to leave is With an “i” who thinks Africa is fabulous! Then, WTF, who talks about having made mistakes all day. Mistakes that Ernie will suffer for! I bet that boy has a raw bottom today.
Lady Misery leaves with her brother, and she tells us that she is a special ed teacher. This is the special needs episode. I hope at the end of the race Team Peyton hires Lady Misery to work for them and they all live happily ever after. Lady Misery says this race is her baby. Awww, how pathetic.
Then the Snowbros are off and away with a dangerous cab driver. Sailboat leaves, dad sailboat is reading the clues all the sudden. Looks like he is starting to learn his lesson. Or not, because a moment later he lies to his son about being winded. “I’m not winded, I’m just a little bit WARM.” Yeah, why start admitting to be a human now?
Team Breakup leaves with an obligatory, “Alright, we’re going to Africa.” This race is going to figure out what their relationship is all about. Here we go, perfect set up for some breaking up! And….nothing. Come on, break up already!!
Welcome to Thai Wallyworld!
And, of course, they are all on the same flight so the order of how they came in didn’t matter at all, nor did their race to the airport. Thanks AR.
Justin says they are “One big happy racing family.” I wonder which are the special needs kids in this family.
Useless graphic ticket printing…
Useless graphic of plane flying…
Sponsored by Bing!
And we’re here! Welcome to Lilongwe, Malawi!
Kickin’ Putamayo music plays as they hop in African cabs. They are all on their way to a tobacco warehouse. Misery is going to take in all of Africa that they can. Smart move, a lot of contestants close their eyes the entire time, but not Team Misery! They’ll be lookin’ at stuff! WTF knows that tobacco leaves bring in 60% of the country’s income so that’s why they’re going to a tobacco warehouse. Well Cindy knew that, Ernie knows whatever she allows him to know.
Are the Snowbros sick? Oh no, they think something is “sick.” We’ll never be able to keep up with their hipster, Christian, snowboarding speak. They say they’ve never been to Africa because there is no snow. And Jesus isn’t indiginous to these lands.
With an “I” is telling their cab driver “your country is very spacious.” Nice compliment, Ma. We’d hate to see what she says to her grandkids, “your dance recital was very…….spacious.’
Team Breakup is first to the Roadblock. Transport Tobacco. Teams must transport 10 bails of tobacco with a dolly while workers in jumpsuits scream at and mock them, I mean, cheer them on.
Please notice: There is NO SMOKING at the tobacco factory!
Misery comes in second, closely followed by WTF. Boy Breakup Jeremy is pretty weak. But not as weak as Justin Misery. The workers are purposely trying to get in the way! Running into them with their own dollys. It’s like bumper Tobacco up in here. This kind of thing wouldn’t be happing if Darryl still ran the warehouse. Berry thinks the employees are high. Seems like a fun work environment. Wonder if they get health coverage. Or just some free oxygen every once in a while. Sailboat gets there and Dad Sailboat boldly and courageously puts himself in harms way and volunteers to do the Roadblock. His son says he’s, “owning the jumpsuit.” I assume that means he’ll be stealing it.
Peyton and With an “i” are still in cabs trying to get there. They say they were in the back of the plane so they got a later start. Wow, that must be one long plane.
Pa says, “we’re on the road, it’s better than being on a plane.” Really? It wasn’t better when you were all together, before you were in last place? Okay Pa.
I think the arc is hidden somewhere here, too.
Snowbro Shorthair is rocking it out. Which proves Jesus is behind the Tobacco Industry. This thing goes higher than we could have ever imagined!!
WTF thinks the people are so happy. Are they? Or do they just have cameras in their faces? We hate to be cynical, but that’s kind of our job.
Snowbro Longhair says, “You gotta dance! You’re in Africa.” Okaaaaaaaaaay, that seemed almost racist.
Peyton is lost. And so are we. They get out of their cab and look around and then get back in. What’s happening? With an “i” arrives at flavor country and Bill does his best with the handcart. “When it’s time to cut the hay, it’s time to cut the hay,” he says menacingly. Misery says the warehouse smells like their dad because he smoked. Yup, tobacco smoke and an iron lung, those are the smells that remind me of daddy.
Sailboat Boy will be a Sailboat Man by the end of this. I barely recognized him.
Double sunglasses for a double dose of douche.
Team Breakup finishes first, defying all our expectations for a team that is supposed to be crumbling under their mutual disgust. They have to proceed to the Memorial Tower for their next clue. Ernie got it second. Cindy said she had a hard time breathing in there just standing because of all the tobacco. She’s SO the type of person who coughs when people smoke around her to let them know she hates it.
Misery is done. Team Peyton and With an “i” arrive and Marcus Bell keeps talking about how Pa can lift heavy sacks and he is having trouble. Really?? A guy who played professional football and worked with tacking dummies and weighted sleds can’t compete with an old man? Good luck with that!
Snowbro leaves in 4th place. Cha dude.
Breakup gets to the tower. Phil tells us Malawi is resourceful. Like, they drink their own pee. Then Phil shows us by guzzling down a big…. Okay, none of that is true.
Instead he tells us their detour choices are All Sewn Up where they have to tailor a suit, for a very good African actor who is really enjoying being on camera next to Phil, or Not Grown Up where they have to build two traditional toy trucks out of scrap materials.
“Now Phil must share his Emmy with me, the suit clue guy!”
Breakup choses Not Grown Up because Girl Breakup can’t sew to save her life, or to win a million dollars.
WTF does sewing because they think sewing is easy. Misery is like, sewing is hard we’re doing the toy trucks. Plus, if you remember from earlier this episode her entire life is about kids.
Snowbros are doing NOT GROWN UP because “we ain’t quite grown up yet.” “Straight up.” No kidding, really?
Pa just finished his hay bailing. Peyton is discouraged, but he finishes and all the workers dance around him and love him and he feels like the king of tobacco! Pipes all around! They get in their cab and tell the cab driver to drive fast becasue they are in a race. Like they ever care. Or know what that means.
Breakup gets to NOT GROWN UP and Jeremy tells us he has a son. Jeremy has a son?! Does he have special needs? Because if he does, it would really go along with the theme.
With an “i” goes to SEWN UP because Ma is a seamstress. Of course. All us old ladies know how to sew curtains and socks and shit. Ma makes Pa run the foot pedal, but they do seem to be having one problem when it comes to sewing the jacket correctly. We’ll let you guess what it is.
Did you guess it yet?
Peyton choses SEWN UP too because Marcus Bell has seen people sew before. Good move.
Snowbros get to the school. Sailboat Dad is trying to psyche out Breakup by saying, “I thought you’d be sewing because you do it in the operating room.” Turns out, she’s a nurse and doesn’t know how to stitch up human flesh with a sewing machine. Weird, huh? We’re finding out all kinds of odd tidbits this episode. It’s starting to turn into Lost where we find out some giant new, odd thing every week. Team Sailboat does GROWN UP because Sailboat Dad knows that sewing machines break a lot. He must be a big Project Runway fan. Go Anya!
Please stop eating the children’s toys.
WTF gets lost in the cab and ends up getting to the tailor shop at the same time as Ma and Pa With an “I”. Snowbro Shorthair tells us has a son too?!?!?! Oh my goodness. That guy should not have a son, he is not ready to be a dad. Straight up. This time it’s the dad who has special needs.
Speaking of idiots who should not be breeding, let’s a take a moment to check in with our favorite Twitter “celeb” from episode 1, @Ryanstorms: “#GoingHard SD style RT @mikeuptoppro: Goin HAM 2night w/ @frshJR @aaronchaney20 @MANN @Miss_Gizz @Jersey562 @RyanStorms @_MR_WEST SD BABY!!” Yup, total gibberish.
With an “i” is sewing. WTF reminds us that they still have an express pass, but they are going to wait until they absolutely have to use it. Which everyone except them knows, is when it will be too late.
Breakup takes their truck to get inspected by a child and it’s a child so of course it’s good enough and they get a clue. Now they have to find R-K Furniture Shop, but not before Girl Breakup plays soccer with the chldren. How sweet, she’s going to make one great, awkward stepmom someday. Snowbro also plays soccer, but he scores on the kid and leaves. Every dad knows, you gotta teach your kids disappointment early.
“Yeah, suck on my big Christian soccer balls, loser!”
WTF Ernie says that Cindy wears the pants in the relationship and it works because they did the sewing. Cindy laughs, but later Ernie will get burned with a hot iron for speaking out of turn.
Misery and Breakup get to the furniture shop. They have to take two beds to Phil at the pit stop in Kumbali Village. How many sister wives does Phil have that he needs that many beds? Never enough.
With an “i” gets going to RK and they talk about ordering trucks. Huh? We thought they had to carry the beds, but they are all getting in trucks. And some people are getting regular trucks, the Snowbros stole Breakup’s truck, Team Sailboat just grabs a guy driving down the street and pulls open his door to ask him if he’ll drive their beds and Team Misery rides in a cab behind their truck. This is another case of “We’ll have to wait to hear if there are penalties to find out what they were supposed to do,” which seems to be happening more and more. I feel that Emmy slipping away.
Snowbro Shorthair spits over the side of the truck. Charming. Scripture reading charming.
Marcus Bell is finishing up the sewing and shows the clue giver, saying “You know that’s good, my grandmother would be proud, COME ON WITH THAT CLUE!” It was awesome. I really want him to scream “COME ON WITH THAT CLUE” at every detour they encounter from now on. Then, Team Peyton gets in a very slow cab to RK.
Sailboat realizes that they didn’t read the clue about the bed and has to go back to call a truck. I want that bed. It might not fit me and Barry both, but we can sleep 50′s TV style in separate beds and hold hands in the middle. It will be charming. Uncomfortable, but charming.
WTF doesn’t like that there is no seatbelt on the back of the truck. She said she is the most scared for her life than she’s ever been. Ernie thinks about pushing her out, but he knows then she’ll chase down the car T-1000 style, then he’s really in for it.
Sailboat just opens the door on a moving vehicle to help transport his beds.
Sailboat Dad: “Take me and my bed to Phil!” Driver: “Who is hell is Phil?!”
The trucks stop at a dirt road and they have to carry the beds the rest of the way. Snowbros pay the truck. Breakup pays the truck.
Meanwhile Peyton’s cab breaks down. But it’s okay because they just get in the back of the truck anyway like everyone else? Whatever.
Not to make your bad day worse, but…your hat’s upside down. And backwards. And you look like a duck.
Misery loves company. As in they get there first and there is a huge African dance party!! HOWEVER…Misery did not pay their truck driver so they have to go back and do it. Snowbros get the first place spot. They win a sexy, sunset cruise trip to the British Virgin Isles. See how there is only one set of footprints in the sand there? That’s because they got sick of going on romantic vacations together.
With an “i” says that they don’t have to pay the drivers unless they ask. Sure, Phil’ll love that excuse. Cheap bastards.
Cindy from WTF is having trouble carrying the bed, She says she’s “gotta get this up on top of me so I can go faster.” It doesn’t work and she falls and gets trapped under her bed. Ernie laughs at her and says she’s in African Jail.
Ernie’s finally free!!
Misery gets to their cab, pays 7,000 Malawi currency and runs back. Meanwhile With an “i” passes Breakup reminding each other “Don’t think about the pain, just go!” Misery is Team Number Two. With an “i” is on the mat too. HOWEVER….Phil ignores them and checks in Breakup as Team Number Three. Then he passive agressively tells With an “i” they have to go pay their cab driver. Sailboat gets there fourth, WTF is fifth. So it’s down to Peyton and With an “i”. Ma & Pa get back to their cab driver and he’s upped the price. He says it’s 10,000 Malawi currency. DAMN that’s steep. Possibly.
Now it’s a foot race between With an “i” and Peyton Plus Beds, which is their new reality show. As I type this With an “i” cruises pass Peyton and checks in sixth. HOWEVER…Peyton gets Phaked out with a non-elimination round! They will have to complete a super easy speed bump on the next leg. And they have a daughter with special needs and they don’t want her to quit so they can’t either! But she is allowed to have old people do everything better than her.
There are still six teams in the race!
Next week on the AR. Ma is a honker. Team Breakup might breakup! There is a lot of growling and Marcus Bell might transform into a Bear.
“COME ON WITH THAT CLUUUUUE!”
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