The Amazing Race Recap: Barfer Takes Bollywood!

Remember those clowns?! Those married clowns?! No, not us, Fran and Berry, that married clown team from this season. Man, I hope those guys don’t surface on the next “all stars” season. The only clown we can stomach is Pennywise.

“We all float down here.”

We are still in Tanzania and Phil is fresh this episode! Whoever his Tanzanian hair person is is doing a good job. We start the 9th leg in Lake Vanyara National Park.

“I’m a big fan of Juilanna Margulies!”

Bopper is getting medical attention for his knee from his spill. The Tanzanian man/doctor? says it will probably be okay with the brace. Hopefully he was a doctor and not just a guy hanging out. He was dressed nice, but I usually need a lab coat to really get a professional opinion. Barfer says that people don’t understand how much that they need the money. Don’t worry Barfer, we can hear how you talk, we know you need money. Unless you’re one of those Bayou Billionaires! These guys leave first and must fly to…..India!? Wow, this might be the most amazing Amazing Race. Most seasons they primarily stay on two continents, right? What is this the fourth? Not including the starting point?

So teams must now make their way to Cochin, India. Find a bus station, then take a bus to The Sacred Heart College to find their next clue.

Blowup is gone second. They are reminding us about how Boy Guns are mad at them for not U-Turning Reality. Blowup is acting all high and mighty about the whole drama. Personally, we don’t care if they are friends or not. Tyler and BJ are the only ones who we are still friends with from our season. We hung out with BJ on Easter. He was dressed like the Hugh Hefner of actual bunnies. But Berry got some mega gas from some not-so-hardboiled eggs and we had to leave the party early. Blowup and Bop & Barf work on getting flights at a travel agency.

Boy Guns leave 3rd and they are still devastated from Blowup’s failure to U-turn Reality. I wonder if they even remember why they are still mad. They catch up with Blowup and Bop & Barf at the travel agency and give them the silent treatment. Blowup Rachel says what someone hasn’t said in all of three minutes, “We not here to make friends, we’re here to win.” Bop & Barf leave the travel agency and think that Boy Guns are acting like big baby boy guns.

He’s even more handsome when he’s evilly laughing.

Reality leaves 4th. They claim to be over the brutal U-Turning that they got from Boy Guns. They also claim to have proved to “everyone” that they “are good competitors.”

Second Chance leaves 5th. They are still not digging on team Reality. But who is? Second Chance seems happy to be heading to India. Second Chance is traveling a different route than the rest and they get there a smidgen before the other teams. They are all running to the bus station. Blowup gets on the first bus out. Boy Guns and Reality are on the Second Bus. Second Chance is on the third bus. And Bop & Barf are on the last one. Bus race! And the bus driver is just laying on the horn THE WHOLE WAY!!

Begin the Barfer barfing montage. He is getting sick thinking about riding in the bus. “Thar better be a barf bag around.”

Thanks for the barf-eries.

Roadblock! Phil charges onto a stage and tells us that teams must work on the set of a Bollywood film by learning a dance routine and impressing the director. Suuure, it’s a REAL movie. They just might get their big Indian break! “My Big Indian Break.” That’s a movie that Berry and I are currently writing. But it has to do with some serious indigestion after having eaten at Tandoori Joe’s.

Blowup Rachel is on the case, she has dance experience. Boy Guns JJ is taking one for his male team. And Reality Rachel sighs and says she’ll do it, as if she doesn’t LOVE to be the center of attention. The choreographer instructs Blowup Rachel to, “Shake your buttocks.” Reality Rachel is into it because the costumes are glittery. Second Chance Vanessa arrives to dance her thang.

“Boys dancing? Never been done before!”

Barfer has a barf bag that he is ready to use! The Barf anticipation is growing until………BARF CLIMAX!!!! I gotta get off this bus! Thankfully they arrive.

Reality Rachel is jumping again. I hate how she jumps! How is that possible? Barfer has to do the dance because Bopper’s knee is jacked. Barfer looks like Daddy Warbucks in his outfit.

JJ is up first to get this dance number in the can. He doesn’t look like he is doing too well, and he isn’t. They stop filming and Blowup Rachel is next. ACTION! She looks good. She is getting it!! SHE GOT IT! JJ can’t stand it. He’s matting his hair down like a frustrated three stooge. Blowup is heading to a coffee shop for their next clue.

Bopper says normally he’s the dance man, but Barfer has to handle this one. I think Mike Judge does Bopper’s voice.

“Fake lights! Fake Camera! Fake Action!”

Second Chance Vanessa is up to bat. She was doing pretty well and then messed up somehow and she is back to the drawing board. Reality Rachel tries her first take and messes up by doing one of her obnoxious jumps. I’m telling you, she jumps obnoxiously! Art is sitting back on the sidelines insisting that girls move better than guys and when guys dance it looks weird. BURN every male dancer ever! He’s talking to you Mikhail Baryshnikov! And Urkel!

Blowup gets to the coffee shop and walks straight into the DETOUR! Cricket or Clutch It. Cricket requires each team member to hit a ball past a professional player and beyond the boundary. In Clutch It teams must learn to drive a three wheeled rickshaw and transport passengers around a training course. Blowup decides to do Clutch It even though Dave is whining about how he would have liked to play cricket. Rachel reminds him that they don’t have the skills to play cricket, he corrects her by saying, “I have skill and ability in nearly every sport.” Even Rachel can’t hold in her disgust for him. They get in their vehicle real quick and start the training course. Rachel isn’t supporting Dave by cutting it too close around the edges.

“My husband stanks like arrogance.”

JJ’s second take is unusable! This movie is RUINED! Second Chance Vanessa is struggling and Barfer might barf again. Reality Brendon is saying that Rachel is a girl so she should be able to do the dance, but she might become too emotional and mess it up. And that’s pretty much what she did on her second try. Reality Rachel: “I’m a girl! Of course I’m going to get emotional, I’m frustrated!” Girl Power! At least this “director” is actually making them do the freaking task and not letting them phone it in.

Back at Clutch It, Blowup Dave is taking his turn at the wheel. Rachel says, “It’s a lot harder than it looks. It’s hard to turn it on a dime.” Dave corrects her/supports her by saying, “NO IT’S NOT!” But then Dave runs into a pole.

Meanwhile Barfer fails again.

Second Chance Vanessa succeeds on her third try. Reality Rachel gets it next on her fourth try. Barfer and JJ are freaking out and complaining instead of practicing their dance. That’s a good strategic move. Art is trying to pep talk JJ as he drinks a juice box. The pep talk must have worked because he finally got it right. They are currently in 4th place. It’s all up to Barfer. He’s getting it! He’s getting it! And he messes up. “Jus keep that whale blood jus keep up!”

Blowup Rachel is taking her second try at Clutch It. Dave is backseat driving screaming, “See listen to your husband. SEE LISTEN TO YOUR FREAKING HUSBAND!” Oh man, can I divorce him for her? He should not be in a relationship. Ew, he is like Lifetime Movie abusive husband material. I’m getting shivers. They are done and head to their next pit stop at Bolgatty Palace.

Second Chance starts Clutch It. Vanessa confesses that she is like, super bad at driving.

Reality and Boy Guns chose Cricket. Neither of them are so great at it.

Barfer is working on his fourth attempt at the dance. And fifth. And sixth. And….ONE MORE! Barfer is starting to lose it.

WE KNOW!!

Blowup meets Phil and a lovely Indian maiden. They are team number one and Phil does have some good news for them….can Phil legally divorce them right now? Dave says that they are the strongest team. Mainly because of him.

Reality gets one point at Cricket, followed by Boy Guns. Tension!

Barfer fails his seventh attempt. Bopper wants him to quit and for them to take the penalty.

Reality gets it first! It’s killing JJ. Boy Guns gets it a little while later.

Second Chance Clutches the next clue and they are on their way to Phil.

Barfer fails his 9th, 10th, and 11th try. Bopper is trying to talk Barfer into not having a heat stroke. Barfer wants to keep going!

Was Ghandi bulimic or just anorexic?

Reality checks in with Phil as team number 2!

Barfer is getting emotional because he’s thinking about his kids. He actually thinks he’s gonna die if he keeps trying. He doesn’t think a million dollars is worth not being able to walk his kids down the aisle. So, I guess he’s quitting because he might die. Wait, how would he still get the million dollars if he died? I wonder if Bollywood does a lot of horror movies about vomiting mortals dying from dancing. That does sound pretty scary. And grotesque.

He disrobes and says he’s ready to go to his kids. Bopper is in tears behind him.

Boy Guns is team 3. They are so happy. Second Chance is team 4.

“We’re Border Patrol, we ONLY take things way too seriously!”

Bopper & Barfer are having a three way hug with the wardrobe guy. They are all crying and trying to get him to try one more time. Barfer gets up there and dances his last dance! He is not so good, but they give it to him anyway. They go to Phil and they are the last team to arrive. They do their good bye speech but Phil hasn’t said the magic words yet………..BECAUSE IT’S A NON-ELIMINATION LEG! They were saved AGAIN! Ford Focus must really be into these guys because they can’t be that lucky!

“I’m good TV!”

Next week on AR: Reality Rachel has to shave her head and cries because she spent $500 on her extensions. Meanwhile Second Chance Vanessa breaks her foot in two. Sounds incredibly girly and emotional! See you next week!