The Amazing Race Recap: Crash landing to the finish line!

Hey fans and fanettes, it’s time to go out and get it DONE!!! Amazing Race finale style! The Amazing Race Season 19 is coming to a dramatic stop as this is our final episode!

“I’m unemployed!!!

Let’s recap this season 19 for one minute: Remember @RyanStorms? He remembers him. After 7 eliminations, there are lots of people to say “Oh, I forgot they were on this show!” We started with umbrellas, Team Guido got left behind, a girl got hit in the face with a watermelon and the Hippes won it all! Oops, sorry, sometimes the season all start to blend together for me. But seriously, when we last left Amazing Race season 19 the Snowbros got their asses wiped out, nasty. When Berry wipes his ass out it smells up the bedroom for a good hour.

But WTF is still in this thing. Cindy looks like a Chinese version of Jane Banks, from Mary Poppins. Breakup, sorry, I mean “TEAM STAYTOGETHER” is still in this thing as well. Many tears later, but still technically a couple. Much to our dismay. And don’t forget Team Peyton, still running the opening kickoff to a touchdown. They want us to remember that they have a special needs kid and they call themselves the Come Back Kids.

The couple that roid rages together, stays together.

Team StayTogether is leaving first. Sandy reads the clue, “Fly your way to -oh no we’re going to Atlanta! This sucks!” Why does she hate Atlanta so much?! Did she have dreams of attending the 1996 Atlanta Olympics and now her dreams are haunted by Richard Jewel? Or maybe she’s a Pepsi person.

They must make their way to Flight Safety International where they find their next clue. We’re pretty sure the only reason they’re going to Atlanta is because it’s a Delta hub. It’s easier that way. Ohhhh, so the reason StayTogether doesn’t want to be in Atlanta is because Marcus and Amani live there. Okay, that makes sense.

Wouldn’t that be weird to just finish the Amazing Race and then just drive home? It seems so anticlimactic! Kids, the Amazing Race was just down the street so we’re home early!

WTF is next to leave. Cindy, “The race is the ultimate premarital counseling.” Yes, it really puts you through all the challenges of a real marriage, like making shoes and riding elephants and hauling bails of tobacco. Actually, Berry does do that last one. No cigarette company’s gonna get his hard earned money to help him kill himself!

Team WTF hops in a cab and Ernie asks the cab driver to go to the airport in an accent for some reason. Good one, Ernie.

Peyton is super stoked to go home, home court advantage, he means home field advantage. Oops, he almost used a basketball metaphor by accident! That would be awful! That’s be like playing a football game…with a basketball! Crazy!

StayTogether pays the cab driver a lot of money, they make a point of Sandy saying that it’s really expensive….DOES IT MATTER?! DRAMA!!!! Only time will tell if we’re supposed to care. (Spoiler alert: Don’t care, it doesn’t matter!)

They’re all on the 8:30 flight to Atlanta. Amani is getting kinda cocky! “We’re playing at home and the ball is on the 4 yard line and we’ve got the corner pocket.” Meanwhile in Atlanta, a bluesy guitar riffs as we pan over the city.

“Wha-Huh? I’m awake. How’s my hair?”

Teams are off the plane running like wild. They are all crying and begging and being weird to the cab drivers.

Amani might not be able to handle this, she is hyperventilating already.

Flight Safe is a flight simulator. They have to land a plane. A simulated plane. Amani yells, “Get your pilot on!” What does that mean?

Peyton and StayTogether are there and get started right away. WTF is pulling up the rear. The flight simulators are serious business. They look pretty darn real, WAY better than California Soarin’ At Disney’s California Adventure. But do they get a fresh orange scent sprayed in their face as they “fly” over an orange grove?! I doubt it!

StayTogether is into the simulator, taking it very seriously. Peyton is nervous, WTF is eager. Jeremy says “This is all by feel.” Um, no. No, this is not al by feel at all. Jeremy, do you see the entire cockpit filled with instruments and switches and gauges? That should be a pretty good indicator that NONE of this is by feel.

“I just wanted to say good luck we’re all counting on you. And stop calling me, Shirley.”

Ernie just put it on autopilot. Is that allowed? Is that a loophole? Cindy lost their first attempt because she was stalling out. Hear all that beeping, that’s a bad sound. they should add simulated screams from the cabin, I bet that’d make ‘em get it right the first time.

Berry wishes that was a Sega video game. Oh wait, forgot we had to sell the Sega last month for some sugar glider food. Only got $15 for it! Lame, IT’S A COLLECTORS ITEM!

Stay Together nailed it on the first try! Way to stick the landing! Peyton almost got it, but got sloppy at the end, landing a bit rough and sliding across the tarmac.

Team Stay Together gets their clue and are on their way to “The Dump.” Which is obviously the home the author of Gone With the Wind, Margaret Mitchell. She must have have been too busy writing to clean.

WTF lands correctly, gets their clue and Cindy says, “That was so whack!” I don’t think she knows what Whack means. They head to their cab. Hope he drives whack so they get there in time!

“Do you think this shirt is too whack for these shorts?”

Peyton can’t aim this landing. It’s hilariously sad. He is really coming in hard. Even if he didn’t slide off the tarmac I think his passengers are going to have some serious neck and back problem.

Commercial break! They are advertising AR Season 3 & 4 on Amazon.com for Christmas. 3 and 4?! Aren’t they a little late? Does it come with a Tamagotchi?

And we’re back! Peyton is sucking at this. I’m sorry, they’re fumbling this. They better know where “The Dump” is!

WTF and StayTogether are driving around frantically trying to find where “The Dump” is! That’s gotta be an akward question to ask a stranger. It’s like the R-rated version of Who’s On First? “Excuse me, I need helping finding my dump!” I have a piece of paper with a description of my dump, but I can’t seem to find the whole thing!” StayTogether asks a super confident man who super confidently tells them it’s an old Home Depot Store. Oh, so he thinks it’s an actual dump. That’s whack, I think. Meanwhile Cindy is on the phone with someone who happens to tell her the correct answer, It’s Margaret Mitchell’s home. AR has phone a friend?! Who was she talking to? Did she just call the cabbie’s wife or something? Maybe she called Team Peyton since they live in Atlanta.

Ernie wants to win so bad he can taste Sandy’s indigestion. She needs Prilosec bad! Good work Prilosec, I smell product placement money! Or is that “The Dump”?

Peyton is still slippin’ and a slidin’ all over the runway. Poor Peyton. They cut to their confessional, talking about how hard of a time they were having. Now, I have not seen the end of the episode yet, but just from how beaten down they look, there’s no way they won.

“I’m calling the simulation stewardess, I need a drink.”

Team Stay Together are in a home furnishing store called The Dump. “Oh where did you get that lovely three piece living room set?” “The Dump!” Hilarious. Sandy to clerk, “Is this the former residence known as The Dump?” Clerk, “This still is The Dump.” Sandy, “So it’s always been The Dump.” Oh boy. They are searching the Lazy Boys for the clue box.

WTF finds the correct “The Dump” and opens their clue, “Who Gives A Damn?!” Frankly my dear, Ernie does! Working with an old fashioned typewriter in the actual room Margaret Mitchell wrote Gone with The Wind they have to type out their next clue. HOWEVER, They don’t know that there is no number 1 key. They have to figure out they have to use a lower case “L.” Ernie is big pimpin’ all over this type writer. They are playing dumb ass circus music to emphasis what a dumbass he is. Since they had to make the decision of who would do it before they saw it, Cindy is PISSED! She is convinced Ernie is about to lose the Amazing Race for them both because he’s such a slow typer. She is so much better at everything! Wouldn’t this game just be so much easier and more fun if Cindy could do everything and leave Ernie’s whack ass at home?

StayTogether is still at the furniture store, The Dump.

The exterior of The Dump has many shades of brown.

Meanwhile, Peyton is still crashing their simulator. A lot. Amani is being super supportive. Even after he punches the roof of the simulator. I’m kind of surprised the real pilot wasn’t like, “Whoa, buddy! These things are expensive!”

Ernie is typing away, making mistakes left and right and he just found out there’s no White-Out. Can you imagine if Margaret Mitchell had white out?! Gone With the Wind would have been way shorter and thus better. Outside Cindy is going crazy thinking how much better than Ernie she is at EVERYTHING!

StayTogether finally get out of the fake The Dump and finds out where they have to go. Ernie is sweating trying to figure out the 1. It’s like a Twilight Zone episode. He’s just sweating staring at the typewriter. Oooo I need some prilosec! This shit is tense! Ernie figured it out, he looked at the type face. Smart! I wonder if we would have figured that one out, and how quickly. Probably not very quickly. It’s a bad sign that when we can’t read the expiration date on the milk, we just take a huge swig to figure it out. And it’s always bad. Anyway, Ernie is done and WTF is rocking 1st place! Ernie is super proud! Ernie comes out and Cindy is like taking a dump in the bushes or something. What is she doing back there?!

Gone with the Wind Parkour!

The clue is “44-715-74.” Which teams are supposed to know has something to do with Hank Aaron, whoever that is. What?! Barry is mad at me, I should probably have heard of Hank Aaron he says. Well he should be on my TV more often if he wants me to have heard of him! Again, we wondered how easily we could have figured that one out. So, as a test we just googled “44, 715, 74″ to see what came up. And I’ll tell you what came up! SPOILERS!!! Damn you Amazing Race fans, can’t you wait ONE DAY?! Luckily, as soon as we saw it was someone saying who the winner was, we both threw up our hands and covered the screen, so we’re safe! We tried again and Googled “44-715-74, Atlanta” and Hank Aaron is the first hit. WTF is going to a hotel to ask. This should be cake for them.

StayTogether gets to the real The Dump and Sandy goes in to use the typewriter which she points out, is not a Mac.

WTF gets behind the desk at a super fancy hotel and uses their internet. We assume they are using the internet. For all we know Cindy could be canceling all the wake up calls. According to her parents people should be able to wake themselves up with pure willpower and strength of mind!

Sandy is stumped by the 1/ l conundrum.

“I’m wearing daddy’s coat!”

Peyton continues to crash their Star Tours. It probably smells in there by now. Oh wait, they passed! What?! It sounded like a crash to me but hey, I’m no flight simulator expert. Marcus starts in with the football metaphors and Amani jumps in to help him out and says that he’ll always be her target even if she knows he won’t catch the ball. Romantic. TERRIBLE quarterback, but romantic.

WTF finds out that they have to go to Turner Field. The numbers are Hank Aaron’s Jersey (44), the number of homeruns he hit to break Babe Ruth’s record (715) and the year he did it in (1974). StayTogether figures out the typewriter challenge and is off and away. WTF arrives at Turner Field. They open the clue! Working without any notes they have repel against a giant map and clip a red rope through the carabiners on each country they’ve gone to. The team member on the ground will call out instructions. Cindy is going up! Cindy is rocking it already. She doesn’t even need Ernie. She knows exactly where they went. Ernie just shouts words of encouragement. Which are useless, Cindy’s got this whack map down!

StayTogether is heading to Turner Field.

Cindy is done! She nailed it! Ernie blows her a kiss. Or a fan a kiss. Does he have fans already?! They get their clue and it’s sending them to The Swan House. Phil assures us it’s one of the most famous houses in Atlanta. I think he protests too much. Really, shouldn’t they go to Ted Tuner’s helicopter pad or CNN offices or Adult Swim headquarters or something? Nope, some Swan House is the last pitstop on an Amazing Race around the world!

StayTogether is at the map. Jeremy is doing it. They’re not doing such a good job remembering where they were and went and where they fought and when they stuck together. So, it seems pretty obvious who the winner is about to be…

However, WTF is having a serious GPS recalculating drama. DRAMA! At every turn their cabbies’ GPS gives a very passive-agressive “recalculating.” As if to say, “I want you to sweat it out a bit.”

StayTogether are done! Team WTF better hurry. That GPS is “recalculating…………your finances!!”

 

CAN YOU FEEL THE DRAMA!!!!!!!!!

We weren’t sure they could mine that much drama at the end, because it seemed pretty obvious who was going to win, but that recalculating thing really saved the editors butts! It’s any one’s game!! Well, except Peyton’s. They have lost their metaphorical Superbowl. They should be on the sidelines eating hotdogs and just enjoying the game at this point.

Team WTF and Team Stay Together are both in cabs. Cut to Phil and his horde of eliminated teams, which must be hella AWKWARD! They start cheering, the gates open to The Swan House. And……….this moment of tension brought to you by FRAN AND BERRY! Read a recap and laugh with Frank and Berry! Now available for parties and awkward social gatherings!

And back to our show…WTF wins!

“There better be a bathroom here!!! I’ve been holding it for seven legs!”

YEAH! Cindy dragged Ernie to the finish line! They tell Phil they want to give their money to the global economy. As in a million dollar wedding!! Booya girlfriend that wedding is gonna be so whack people are gonna be like, “This wedding is whack! Whatever that means!” Cindy also tells Phil that her parents always want her to be absolutely perfect and winning The Amazing Race shows them that her and Ernie are both perfect. I think that’s the lesson we wanted to see them learn, right? That unrealistic expectations can be met if you work hard enough! Way to set the bar at impossible Ernie and Cindy!

StayTogether saunters up next. They are second, AKA giant losers. It almost makes us wish there was a consolation prize. The race has taught them how to communicate. Their relationship is going on, just like Celine Dion’s heart. Good, because if you want to know where you stand as a couple. It’s the Amazing Race. That or Rock of Love. MAYBE Rock of Love Bus.

All the cast-offs looks pretty much the same. Sometimes people have gained weight or lost weight or gotten ridiculous haircuts, but they all look pretty normal. Boring!

Peyton comes in 3rd. It’s like a bronze football. Phil tells them they are the third team to finish The Amazing Race. Yes, the third out of three. The worst of this leg. It’s like coming in third in the Superbowl.

Amani tells Phil that it was the first time she’s ever seen Marcus punch anything before and Phil is like, “WHAAAAA?!”"

Like, not even a homeless person??

Amani says the lesson here is that you’re not going to win at everything, but whatever you do, do not quit! Good call, that’s why I taught our kids to swim by throwing them in a pond. They might not “win” the swimming lesson, but they are not allowed to quit trying to breathe!

Marcus says Amani is smarter than any quarterback, and tougher than any line backer, and sexier than any waterboy.

He says “I think she showed so many people that no matter how old you are-” WHOA! Wait a second, did he just spoil this sweet moment on television by calling his wife old? Yes, he certainly did. I mean it’s not like she’s Berry old, now that’s old!!!

The teams all leave formation and come and hug each other and pretend like they don’t all have deep resentment for the teams that beat them and it’s kind of a nice moment. And why shouldn’t they be in a good mood, free trip to Atlanta!

The Snowbros get one more God is Great in there and the teams hug it out. I want to see them all partying to “Land of A Thousand Dances” as the credits roll!! Or maybe “I’m Alright” by Kenny Loggins. Heck, even “Build Me Up, Buttercup” would work. Anything would be better than nothing! And the crew should show pictures of their kids probably, too.

Well, that’ll do her for another season of AR. We still don’t have a million dollars. But we’ve got each other and if we put all the lessons learned by these final three teams together here’s what you’ve got: Prove your parents right by never giving up even if you know you suck and treat every obstacle like it’s relationship counseling. Done! Thanks for the secret to success! We’ll let you know how Berry and I are doing with that when we talk next season on…The Amazing Race!!

Yeah!!!! Now don’t talk to about this to anyone until it airs six months from now!

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