The Amazing Race Recap: Episode Two, Two Eliminations!

First of all, sorry this is so late. We were on vacation last week. Once a year Fran and I need to get out of town and frolic at a nudist camp for a few days to get it all out of our systems so we can pretend to be upstanding citizens and grandparents the rest of the year. Will it be worth the wait?! I’m sure we’ll find out in the comments section.

“A week late?! Girl, please!”

Okay, so last week on The Amazing Race remember how they found out that Team Survivors were on the show Survivor? And Team Bro/Sis fought? And Team WTF got the express pass and the old couple got slower and slower didn’t want to go on so they purposely came in last only to find out it was the first time ever that Amazing Race did a non-elimination 1st leg?!?! Oh yeah. Lame. Let’s do it again!!

By the way, since this is episode two and it’s a double elimination do you think next week will be a triple elimination? This might be a short season, folks. Which will work out great for us, we’ve got a non-refundable week long vacation at a nudist colony in four weeks.

Cue the opening! Seriously, I think I am going to get this song as my cell phone ring. Every time I get a phone call I will be inspired to hurry and start screaming at whoever I’m standing with. Or I’ll picture myself in an airplane above a remote country with Phil pointing up at me.

Andy and Tommy! We’re still getting used to these new couples. Man, those guys are pretty douchey.

Let’s get started. Phil reminds us that Taiwan has a rich history. He explains that in Taipei, there’s a shrine dedicated to the thousands of soldiers who died for their country. It is now the starting place for our loud, ignorant, bunch of couples with issues to stomp all over so a reality show can win Emmys!

Phil: Prominent package shot #3,923.

Phil tells us (well, not us, we were busing nude-birding when this originally aired) that the teams are headed to Yogyakarta, Indonesia. That sounds like a chocolate beverage that you have after downdog. This leg will feature the never-before-seen double elimination. Thank God, Team Cathi with an “i” will be gone for sure. For sure, you hear us?!

The teams take off, first is Team WTF, Ernie and Bert- I mean, Cindy. In the cab Cindy says that she isn’t afraid that they’ll be eliminated, but because of the double elimination there will be unexpected twists and turns instore. WTF?! She speaks in commercial promos. It’s like she found the press packet for promoting The Amazing Race on TV info descriptions and is just repeating it.

Next is Jeremy and Sandy, Team Breakup. Whoa! Did Sandy get botox in the hotel? She looks seriously…plumped. Freshly plumped.

Taiwan! Home of your next elective surgery!

Next is Team Brosis, or Team That Bitch Jennifer. Oh man, she is REALLY getting on our nerves. Team Survivors head out, talking about surviving again. It’s 50/50, they’re either talking about being on Survivor or surviving cancer. He talks about cancer more than the other dude talks about Peyton Manning! Speaking of, next is Team Peyton Manning BFF or Team Stringer Bell: Amani and Marcus.

Team Sailboat who has a banana for some reason? Also, the more we see the dad the more we realize he’s a total dick. For being a “world traveler” he’s pretty culturally insensitive. It’s Amazing Race etiquette that you at least TRY to pronounce the impossibly weird city name that’s on the clue. And I think his son must have gotten social cabin fever from being in the sailboat alone for so long. We’re just waiting for the day when he FLIPS OUT on his dad over nothing at all.

Then it’s Team Snowboard. These guys are trying REALLY hard to be hipster cool. Do you think they have notebooks filled with pictures of “The Hippies” from season 9 with hearts around them? The answer is yes. So, they hipster speak Indonesia to “Indo.” And they start saying it a lot like they are trying to make hipster geography a “thing.” Great. Start hipstering up the whole globe why don’t cha? Next thing you know Tasmania will be wearing skinny jeans…ironically. They try to pretend they’re not totally lame by one dude saying to the other dude, “Don’t “dude” me dude.” Whatevs.

Team WTF makes it to the China Airlines airport counter and we find out the next flight is at 8:45am. Yeah, waiting!!! Everyone’s favorite part of the fast paced Amazing Race! Right? RIGHT?!?! No.

The next team to leave is Ron and Paul, formerly Team PanHam, now Team Truth & Honesty. These guys could not be more sweet and in love. Good for them. They shall be destroyed in the race.

Smart Boobs leaves, hitting themselves in the face with maps. Super smart start!!

“I’m not okay with the map not being on my Prius dashboard. This paper thing is weird!”

Blonde Boobs is behind them, trying to stay positive, in the most negative way possible. “We’re going to lose and we suck. JUST KIDDING!!!!”

Everyone starts showing up at the airport, which means team bitchfest! Team WTF thinks Jenna from Team Survivor has a Medusa eye thing that will turn you to stone. Whoa, does that also mean she will eventually be beheaded so a king can give her head as a gift? (This joke has been brought to you by Wikipedia! Wikipedia, making people look smart with cut and paste since 2001.)

Breaking news: Amani Speaks!!!! And it’s not about Peyton Manning or D’angelo Barksdale. Not sure what is was about though, she’s too boring to listen to. Marcus is right to take over.

The Snowboarders are wondering if the oldies got eliminated and keep asking “Where is ma and pa?!” Probably referencing the song by Fishbone. They are so hipster it makes me want to puke an Anchor Steam beer into their useless knit hats.

And last and pretty much least (the Fran & Berry Wannabes) Team Cathi with an “i” leave the hotel for the airport. They say they have the advantage because they have been together for so long….also they are not toast yet. They are more like a loaf of bread that hasn’t figured out how those kids do that newfangled slicing, buttering and toasting.

We hope someday the parents from “That 70′s Show” will portray Team Cathi with an “i” in the CW made for TV movie of their downfall. Is the CW still on? I don’t think so. But I guess we’ll find out in the comments section.

Ma and Pa made it! Everyone claps for them, but they are sooo not happy to see them. It’s awkward. Plus “Pa” is running like a hunchback, which I find offensive as a hunchbacked American. They seem legitimately happy that they’re getting another chance today. They must have soaked their feet real good last nght.

“They’re not dead yet?”

This season’s maps are brought to us by Bing….not Google. Interesting. Almost. Remember when Bing wanted to overtake Google so anytime you said Bing on TV they gave money to some charity? BING! BING! BING! Does that still happen? Does Bing read this? They should. BING!

The teams arrive in Jakarta, Indonesia. By the statue of the boy finding the hand…..

“Her?”

If you get that reference, congrats!! Also, they’re making more episodes and a movie!!!

The teams hustle out of the airport. Someone said they feel like OJ. You feel like killing someone and getting away with it??! Yeah, you just got 1995 BURNED!! They hustle straight to the train station. They’re all going to be on the same train. They’re all together, again. Exciting. Maybe they should change the title of the show to “The Amazing Traveling Together In A Pack.”

Team Bro/Sis are fighting. Standing still. Not moving. Arms crossed. Arguing about…..????? She’s decided, on the second leg, it’s not worth a million dollars to be nice to your brother. LAME. This conversation feels more like a Mamet play. Yelling for no reason, cutting each other off and lots of cussing. Geez, these two act more like a married couple than siblings! BURN Fran and Berry!!

The train takes leaves the station with dozens of people sitting on top of the cars. That’s where you want to be if you want first row seats to a kick-ass Indiana Jones action movie chase! However, when the train arrives at Yogatown, there are no people left on top. There must have seen a Chic-Fil-A at an earlier stop. Or they went under a bridge and they’re all dead.

Now the teams must travel by taxi to Goa Jomblang Cave, a remote vertical cave. They hail the hell outta some taxis. It’s a cab race!!! I don’t know why they bother, when they get there, they’re just going to have to wait for it to open or some crap.

“I’mma do you like I had done to D’Angelo! Spoiler alert mutherf*cker!

They cab race until dawn and beyond. They are all upset about how there is a double elimination and they need to get going. Ron & Paul fret about their blood pressure. They are very intense, but it’s the most monotone intensity ever. Stop being so in love and get riled up!!

Team Cathi with an “i” get there first. Weird! What is happening to this race?! It’s getting…Amazing!!! Okay, maybe we should stop ragging on the old people so much. It’s an easy joke and we will try hard to respect them as racers and find things to mock about them besides their age. Their old, old, decrepit age.

ROADBLOCK!!!

Teams will go spelunking. Phil tells us they must repel down the cave, search for a Japanses mask and an indiginous dagger, then climb up a big ass bamboo ladder.

The hardest part? No freaking the hell out when they see those masks! They scary!!!

Ahhhhhh! It’s Fran’s mother!

Before Team Cathi with an “i,” who, again, is in first place somehow, can spelunk, they have to perform a speed bump since they came in last on the first leg. Their speed bump? Untie rope. That’s it? Untie rope? Yup. This may not be an Emmy winning season. So they start to untie a big ass purple knot. And “Pa” even makes a reference to it being like the ball of lights from Christmas Vacation. He’s seen movies! With talking! Okay, okay, Sorry.

The other teams are catching up. Peyton’s BFF is hurting in the cab and says, “I know how you feel Big Easy.” Hey, he watched last season too! I bet he only liked them because they were professional athletes. How many times do you think he turned to Amani while they were watching and said, “They play basketball. Peyton Manning plays football. They probably don’t know Peyton Manning. I do.” It turns out Amani doesn’t know what spelunking is. And she is dangerously close to calling it “spunking,” which is hilarious. Spunking is hard for Amani. I wonder if Amani has ever been all strapped in to spunk before? Amani is going to going to watch Marcus spunk down in the cave by himself.

Meanwhile, Cindy loves repeling and caving and montain climbing. She loves everything! Where’s the camera so she can talk about it?! Cindy is such a narrator. At the end of the season we’ll find out it it was all her dream. Or her Amazing Race fan fiction brought to life. So if she dosen’t win, that would be some sad fan fiction.

Cathi with an “I” is screaming “attack attack attack!” It is scaring us. Which is fun! At least it’s less scary than that freaky cave mask!

By the way, who had to repel that gong down there? And all those lit candles? Seems like there is a LOT of equipment down there. I like to think they had a big crane, but Phil took over and said he’d do it himself and carried the gong down in one hand, the candles in the other, he lit them with a piece of flint struck against his belt buckle and the carried the crew down, gently, one by one. Wow, that was sexy.

 

Goa Jomblang Cave, the butthole of Indonesia.

Jeremy is freaking out. Or is it Justin? Or Ethan? Or Tommy? They all look the same in the helmet cam. Kaylani loves how green and beautiful the land is. It’s like money. The money she made by showing off her cleavage in Las Vegas. Beautiful.

WTF is lagging on the ladder because her legs are tiny. Pa Bill is really bragging about his killer upper body strength. Maybe it’s as good as Peyton Manning’s? Ma with an “i” says they are “63 and still running.” Well walking, slowly, and with walkers. DAMNIT is it hard not to make old people jokes! Deep in the caves the teams search for the masks and daggers and one eyed Willie. Meanwhile the the Fratellis are closing in! Go Goonies Go! Save the town from that evil golf course or whatever!

DETOUR! Shake Your Money Maker or Be A Ticket Taker.

In shake your money maker one person learns a traditional dance while the 2nd person accompanies them on drums. They have to make 30,000 rupiah, which is like American money, but you need a lot more of it. In ticket taker the team has to valet scooters at a mall and make 15,000 rupiah, which is half as much, which should make the choice easy. (It doesn’t.) After earning their rupiahs, they all have to go to an orphanage and donate the money to kids who lost their parents to a volcano. But more importantly, they have to notice a sign that says they have to give ALL THE MONEY IN THEIR POSSESSION to help the orphans.

You will see this sign a LOT!!!!

Team Cathi With an “i” ends first. I mean, seriously. Wow. Maybe they had their hips replaced with cyborg hips. They are more robot than old people!

There is a taxi line up. Pa says they’re going to “blah blah blah.” He literally yells, “Blah blah blah blah” with an Asian accent. He is the opposite of Cindy, he doesn’t give a damn about explaining anything for the cameras. He’s a rebel! I’m starting to wonder if Pa was in the Hells Angel’s or something, but he can’t talk about it because he was involved in Altamont. He probably drank Hunter Thompson under the table, stole his wife and married her. That’s “Ma.”

“Are you lookin’ at me?”

Meanwhile, deep in the cave they keep banging that gong! That seems dangerous. Can you cause a reverse avalanche. Seems like causing all that reverberation could easily cause a cave-in. Maybe that’s their next roadblock. Escape!

Ron and Paul must have a lot of heart problems. They keep talking about their hearts pounding. They are worried for each other, but it’s all going to be okay, thanks to love. They are the exact opposite of the Bro/Sis couple.

The Blonde Twins start shaking their money maker. The dance instructor is helping her out of the street . Showing her the moves. She needs the help. And more freaky masks! What is it with Indonesia and scary masks? It’s like Halloween, the country. Also, one blonde twin yells, “Come on, work it.” The other replies, “My hand’s getting tired.” Now that is some “Three’s Company” hilarity.

Team With an “I” is ready to park motor bikes…..he’ll probably be great thanks to his old Hells Angel’s days. Team WTF is parking bikes too. But they moved just up the street, so every scooter that came their way ran into WTF first and Team with an “i” didn’t even get the run off. I bet Pa stabs somebody. He is so bad ass in my mind now. Like, secretive, Navy Seals bad ass. He may never say a word about it, because he’s undercover, but believe me, it’s all true.

One of the guys from Team Snowboard, Tommy- or is it Andy, forgot to take off his The Baumer Halloween costume from “The Royal Tenenbaums” or maybe it worked it’s way into his regular rotation (Patty & Selma style).

“Yo, Baumer!”

The teams at the bottom are trying to pep talk themselves as Team WTF finishes the Ticket Taking first, hop in the cab and try to high five…but can’t. I think he thinks they are playing Rock, Paper, Scissors instead. Seriously, a high five fail? Team WTF.

“Why isn’t this working?!”

Friends with Manning is getting his groove on, chasing people around the streets demanding money. It’s actually a pretty good strategy.

Team With an “I” finishes next. Then the Blonde Twins. They say how they’ve never been to an orphanage. Or known an orphan. Or seen Annie. And thinking about it makes them “like, really sad.” Yes, that’s a quote. They know it’s sad because their dad just died. And while, yes, that’s sad, it’s kind of the exact opposite of an orphanage.

That baby is asleep! Standing up! On a moving scooter!

Scooter babies like this one are probably great at riding on top of moving trains. It’s so spacious up there in comparison!

Team WTF got a clue to go to Kraton Palace. The Sultan of Joe Jakarta’s pad and also the pit stop for this leg of the race. The last two teams to check in, will be eliminated. Team WTF seems to have gotten a clue. But they keep showing the sign like they messed up. Did they or didn’t they get the right clue? What is happening??

See?

Team Sailboat shows up to the scooters. We almost forgot they were on this show. And in a weird Hippies rip-off Team Snowboard yells at them “Get after it guys!” as they pass. “Get after it guys?” What the hell does that mean? They might as well have shouted “Do the Dew!”

Teams are now on their way to the orphanage. And they need to get there, like, really fast! So run over as many orpans as you need to, to get there. Or at least make some new orphans by running over parents!

Ron and Paul are just starting to shake their money makers. One of them calls out “Let’s give ‘em something to talk about!” Hey, that’s Berry’s favorite karaoke song! Team Beautiful Partnership asks, “How do we dance? Like whatever?” And then they just do whatever! I thought they said they had to learn a specific dance from a dance guy? Amazing Race is getting super lax. They best be busting some skulls at the pit stop about who gave what amount of money to whom.

Team Lame Hipster shows up to the orphans and gives them their “caish?” Caish? Really? You need to hipsterize every word. They can’t say one normal thing? This is going to be a long season. “Duuuuude, do I have to give my caish and my weed? Totes bummer bra.”

Team WTF hits Phil. First place…HOWEVER!!!!!!! YES!!!!!! Thanks Amazing Race, I knew I was looking at that sign over and over and over again for a good reason! Team WTF has to go back. Cindy is crying. She breaks down and says how she grew up in a competitive Asian environment and nothing was ever good enough. Yeah, yeah, try racing with THIS guy…

“PORK BUNS CRAMP!!”

Ya know, everyone is all about helping out those orphans until those orphans SCREW THEM! It’s like, sad. Cindy is flipping out worse than Fran after she eats too much dairy. “I can’t do it, I’m sorry I can’t do it.”

Ethan & Jenna/Survivors drop their detour envelope and —

Hold up! I’m sorry to break out of this recap for a second, but the woman in front of us on the plane is playing Words with Friends on her laptop. And I just watched her open up a new tab and put her letters into a website that told her all the words she could spell. LAAAAAAME! If this is you, and you’re reading this, YOU SUCK! You’re ruining the sanctity of the Words With Friends App and you killed Steve Jobs. Too soon? Sorry.

Anyway….

The Survivors find their envelope. Of course if they hadn’t found it on their own I’m sure @RyanStorms would have been on the case. I bet he could use another fifteen minutes of fame. In fact, let’s check in on @Ryanstorms Twitter account.

Apparently, this season just premiered in Australia so he’s doing a lot of retweeting of people giving him props. But here’s one of his own: “Ok peeps about to grab some food , so I’ll get back to some more tweets in a bit ” Classic @Ryanstorms. Thanks for the update!

The teams are now either headed to the orphanage or headed back to the orphanage. The teams on their way for the first time are like “Yay, we gotta go to the orphanage!!” They’re the first people to be excited to be there in forever. And the people headed back are like, “Damn these depressing kids,” which is normal. The one thing that does seem to be universal though is that the teams LOVE high fiving those orphans, they can’t get enough of it. But they don’t like handing over all their money.

Blonde Twins just got sent back to cough up their dough. Luckily, Team Sailboat sees it the first time. Then Smart Boobs reads the sign! They can read!! Damn, they is smart! SMART Boobs is right! Then Team With an “i” got sent back.

Snowboarders arrive 4th but are really team #1!!! They won a travelocity trip somewhere with golf and a spa. Yeah, a relaxing getaway for two bros! Nothing sounds more relaxing than listening to them come up with funny hipster words for spa services. Nothing.

“Dude, I’m gettin’ a Swede mass!”

Team WTF makes it back to orphanage and the beautifully sweaty flight attendents are on their first try at the orphanage. No sign reading for them…

Bro/sis are yelling. Screaming actually. She won’t run. She really would rather be a jerk than win a million dollars. It’s greatly distressing. If you’re going to be that much of a bitch at least do it to your husband and not your brother.

Amani & Marcus were sent back. Ethan is all about raising money for an orphange, but he is not all about giving his personal caish. They will also have to go back. As is almost everyone, except for Team Sailboat who arrives 8th, but checks in 2nd!

Jeremy & Sandy, whoever they are, (oh yeah Team Breakup) are in a footrace with Team With an “I.”

Smart Boobs shows up and think they are about to get Philiminated. HOWEVER, they get Phaked out instead….They are actually team #3!

Team WTF gets back to the mat, they check in as team 4. The Blonde Twins are 5. Breakup is 6 and With an “I” is 7. Can you believe they are not out?! We can’t! Wow, Team number 7! Not bad at all! Bro/Sis is 8, unfortunately, because we can’t take much more of them. Can Phil legally slap someone? What if they like, really, really deserve it? Do you think her brother did something terrible to her? That’s the only explanation I will accept at this point for how terrible she is to him. And whatever he did better be pretty damn bad.

“This is my ‘I’m being a giant bitch’ face.”

Ron and Paul, Team rEVOLution make it to the mat, but are sent back for not giving up the caish to the orphans. Team Stringer Bell is down but not out, they are team number 9

Which means Team Survivor is ironically named. Their torches have been snuffed out by Phil, which secretly, he was very excited to do. We think Phil’s inner monologue sounded a little like this: “You think because you can live in a jungle with a bunch of freaks you can win on MY game show? This is the Amazing Race, bitches. I don’t have a shelf full of Emmys for nothing! Now get your rice eating, bandana wearing asses out of here before I snuff out more than your torch. Is this Amazing enough for you yet? Tell Jeff Poops to kiss my ass!”

In their post interview Team Survivor says, “we can’t fault ourselves for trying.” It’s true, after he beat cancer he vowed to talk about beating cancer in every single moment. And take advantage of every TV opportunity to talk about it. So you can’t fault him for trying to stay on TV longer. Maybe @RyanStorms will tweet about it for him.

We get it!!!

TEAM Lovers Ron & Paul, in love, walk lovingly all the way back to Phil. They say people would pay millions to have what they have. Shit loads of sweat? As they get eliminated, there are a lot of birds squaking. They must sense an injustice. Fran and I can only hope that someday we will feel the same love that Ron and Paul do. But as long as we’re no Bro/Sis we’ll be fine.

“Phil…do you want to share our love?”

But seriously they were a really sweet couple. It’s too bad they suck at racing.

Next week on AR: Ernie’s pedal falls off!!!! And Team With an “i” wave out of a car window.

“Look at all the cameras! They must be filming a TV show!”