The Amazing Race Recap: Git ‘Er Shaved!

Hey Race Fans! Fran and Berry at your service dishing the dish on this race around the world. I (Fran) just made a killer lasagna so you’ll have to excuse us if our recap feels a bit full. (Whatever that means.) Can you believe we are on EPISODE 10!? This is really getting down to the wire here. It’s so down to the Wire that Avon Barksdale better watch his back. Reference! There may not even be anymore non-elimination rounds!! Five teams remain. Will Bop & Barf pull out from last place? Or will Second Chance crash and burn in a blaze of glory-hole?! There is no way to know unless you read this!! NO WAY I TELL YOU!

We begin leg 10 in Kochi, India at a sweet ass palace. Team Blowup leaves first at 6:53 am. Teams must now head to a temple that is so long and complicated Phil can barely pronounce it, and the graphics department doesn’t even try!

You know, the only temple in India.

Phil says there they will receive a greeting from a head priest and then get their clue. Reality leaves next. They think they are pretty fly because they are still here even though everyone hates them. Not sure which they’re more proud of, the fact that they are still here or that everyone hates them.

Boy Guns is half complaining about how tired and sick they are. But they’re not really complaining because they are manning up. Although the fact that they keep talking about how they have to man up shows how tired and sick they really are.

Second Chance says how they are probably going to loose because Vanessa won’t do anything physical. That is so passive aggressive it’s back to being aggressive again.

Bop & Barf are laying in their hotel. Barf is hooked up to an IV.

The end of the race or the end of Barfer? And, is he stealing his watch??

Blowup is at “Temple.” They bow and graciously accepted the priests offering. Dave says, “Paying homage to this individual is a once in a lifetime experience.” Yeah, not treating someone like shit is definitely a once in a lifetime experience for Dave. They get their next clue, there’s a fast forward enclosed. Dave “graciously” reminds Rachel they cannot do it because they’ve already done one. And by “Graciously” he yells it at her like she’s five. So they are off to Pattanacaud Coir Mats and Matting!

Reality Rachel says about “Temple, “This isn’t necessarily my religion.” Um, what is necessarily your religion? True Religion Jeans? They run to the fast forward.

Second Chance skips the fast forward because they assume Reality took it, so do Boy Guns because they already did one where they had to land toy helicopters on their face.

Reality arrives at their Fast Forward. And the Fast Forward is…….. They have to get their heads shaved!!!!

This is the most honest reaction she has ever had in her life.

Flash back to Uchenna and Joyce winning from shaving their head. Rachel immediately breaks down in tears. She can’t shave her head because she spend $500 on extensions! She is weeping uncontrollably. Maybe she doesn’t realize that if she wins a million dollars (well, half a million dollars because you know they’re breaking up if they win) she will be able to buy more extensions because $500 is less money than $500,000. But maybe it’s not about the money and it’s all about the perfect situation to have a full on reality show melt down. I can only hope that there is some dry heaving involved. Our little unborn daughter must really hate Team Reality, she kicks violently whenever they come on the screen. Reality Rachel tries to put it all on Brendon, “DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS?!?!!?” He’s like, “whatever.” They decide to pass because Rachel has spent years trying to get her hair to look good. Obviously, she still hasn’t figured it out. They load into their rickshaw cab and she keeps bringing it up, “Do you want me to shave my head?” Oh I get it, she wants him to say “yes,” so she can freak out. Or say “no,” so she can freak out. She might have even shaved her head if she could act like she’s being forced to because she’s “just a girl” and can only do what her boyfriend tells her to do. She may still pull the “I’m just a girl” card this episode.

Second Chance is currently in first place at the Road Block. They are in the Land of Coconut Trees! They must spin coconut husk into rope. Ralph takes it on and looks super handsome in his apron. Boy Guns and Blowup arrive.

Freshly harvested Donald Trump hair.

Bopper and Barfer are ready to leave their hotel. Barfer looks like he’s been up all night barfing. But they say they’re in it to win it. And they could, if they get to that Fast Forward! They could pull out of last place! We’ll see.

Reality Rachel has something to talk about, “I can’t shave my head. I know another girl on another season did it, but she was really cute and skinny and pretty.” Listen, no amount of hair is going to make you NOT a bitch! “I don’t need a big nose and no hair.” It worked for Dobby, it could work for her! After all she’s just about as tolerable as a house elf.

Boy Guns JJ is having a panic attack that nobody his doing the Fast Forward and that Bop & Barf might do it. He’s going on an on about how no one is playing this game strategically. Why is he bitching?! Seems like he’d rather have Bop & Barf come in before Reality. Maybe he’s just having his reality show meltdown.

The guys are all bleeding using the hand crank on the spools. It is nasty. I hope they don’t act like heroes for doing it since it’s an actual job that ladies have to do everyday. Meanwhile Reality Rachel is going to be upset if they come in last. By the way, she could have at least shaved her mustache. Reality Diss!

Blowup Rachel calls out to Dave, “You’re almost done Dave!” He responds “graciously” with, “I don’t need positive reinforcement, I appreciate silence!” And again by “graciously” I mean he yells it like he’s her drill instructor. Second Chance Ralph finishes first! They are heading to Fort Kochi to find a barber working under a tree. They are running along and tragedy strikes!

You have to run parallel to the ground, not perpendicular!

This is what they’ve been teasing for two weeks now! Coming soon..someone falls hard! They set it up at the beginning of the episode, before the commercial, then after it finally happens. Vanessa is down! She trips and falls and she is crying out in agony! It’s her ankle. It popped, and it’s the one with the screw in it! She gets up, and she thinks it might be okay, she might have just twisted it. She hobbles to the rickshaw. And that’s it…she seems to be fine now. Not that we wanted her to be hurt, but can anything ever be as exciting as the commercials make it look, for once! The only thing this fall did was allow Blowup to catch up to them.

Boy Guns and Reality are left together. JJ is trying to con Rachel into going back and doing the Fast Forward. He tells her she’d look good with a shaved head, trying to play in to her weakness. He should have just told her not to do it, then she would have gone right away! Now both of these teams are off to the barber.

“So, you hate sleeves too, huh?”

Bop & Barf are on their way….FINALLY!

Blowup finds the barber who is shaving a customer. They run up hysterically to him. Um, please don’t startle the man who is holding a razor to another man’s throat! That’s just common courtesy no matter what country you are in.

That red spot on his forehead? Not a bindi.

Detour: Pachyderm or Pack a Box. In Pachyderm teams must dress up an elephant all fancy then haul 15 wheelbarrows of poop to a nearby truck. Apparently that truck is the toilet. I feel like they could find a better use for the truck than a place to dump wheelbarrows full of crap, but nobody asked me. In Pack a Box teams find a ginger processing center, pick up 10 empty wooden boxes, fill them with ginger, seal and stamp them, then haul them to a shipper. Seems like a cruel thing to do to redheads, but again, nobody asked me.

Bopper and Barfer get to their Speed Bump. Oh boy, they have to hang out with Furries! No, they actually have to paint a tiger on a dude’s belly. It should just be that they have to look the tiger dude in the eye. Or call the tiger dude’s mother and break it to her what her son does for a living. Bop & Barf are up for the painting challenge.

Wait, do tigers really have another face on their belly?

Blowup, Second Chance and Reality begin to dress their elephants. Vanessa loves elephants! And monkeys. If you go to her house it’s elephants and monkeys everywhere. That doesn’t seem legal. Someone should call PETA. She has to climb up on an elephant and all of the sudden her ankle is healed. It’s an elephant sized miracle!

Boy Guns chooses to do ginger packing. This task might be a smidge more time consuming because the elephant teams are already racing their wheelbarrows full of dung.

Bop & Barf finish the tummy painting and decide to take a chance on the Fast Forward.

Team Blowup finishes the poop-haul and heads to the next pit stop at the famous Cheena Vala Fishing Nets. They are so famous I hear they’ll be starring in the next Spiderman Movie as one of his webs! Second Chance is on their way next with Reality close on their tails. Team Blowup is on the fairy and they get it to leave before Reality and Second Chance get there! Nice work! Meanwhile, Boy Guns are way way way behind, still panning for ginger. They are trying to cheer themselves up by role playing as Team Reality. They are just trying to do anything to hook up with each other before they have to go home to their wives.

Team Blowup runs into Phil. And they are team number one. Surprise surprise. They’ve each won $10,000! That’s 20 sets of extensions!!

“We’ll make it to the end if you just keep shutting up and listening to me!”

Reality checks in next just a teeny bit before Second Chance. Phil really half heartedly asks Vanessa if she’s okay from her fall, but doesn’t really take the time to listen to her answer. Phil, you have really checked out, huh? He must be thinking about the screenplay he’s writing for himself. Here’s the logline: “A swarthy reality show host saves the world by doing what he does best, making love.”

Then Phil is forced to ask everyone on the mat if they have incurred any penalties. I feel like that’s the host’s job to know, Phil! Actually, he is just trying to start some drama because Vanessa didn’t think Reality made all fifteen required trips with their poop wheelbarrow. They cat fight, which is just what Phil had intended then there is a super half-assed apology they both recant on in their confessionals. Moving on!

Boy Guns JJ is packing up the ginger and cuts his hand super bad on the ginger box. Now they’re fighting because they’re tired and cranky. And bloody.

Bop & Barf are super excited about shaving their heads, especially because Barfer’s head is already shaved. Isn’t that funny! Not really, they think it is.

Bop shaves his head, anything for his kids! I mean, there are lot better things you can do to give your kids a better life: loving them, teaching them right from wrong, spending quality time with them. But I guess shaving your head while in another country with your best guy friend on a game show is one of them. Hope you appreciate it kids!

Boy Guns is on their way to the pit stop. And so is Bop, we mean Walter White & Barf. Seriously, Bopper looks a lot like Walter White from Breaking Bad with his head shaved! Actually, if you took Barfer’s facial hair and put it on Bopper he would look EXACTLY like Walter White!

“We may be eliminated, but at least my head’s not on a turtle.”

Let’s see if they’re good fortune “roulette” uh, I mean “ritual” pays off. Cab race to the fairy! And who will check in first!? It’s…..Boy Guns! Blood, sweat and tears will fuel them to the end.

Walter White and Barfer arrive last and they are finally eliminated. They had a great time, but they can’t think of one new adjective to describe it, “The Amazing Race is called the Amazing Race for one reason, everything about it is absolutely amazing.”

We are so bummed they are out and we can’t make anymore Walter White references!! So here ya go:

“We better call Saul.”

“I got tired of cleaning the lab so I found some statues at Gus’ house.”

“Damnit, Jesse! Stop saying bitch!”

“After this I’m gonna get me some Los Pollos Hermanos!”

Farewell Kentucky boys! Next week on the two hour finale of Amazing Race: TEMPERS FLARE! And the final four make a run for the money! Plus more mat drama cuz someone doesn’t complete a roadblock and Julianna Margulies is the Good Wife! Although, that last part might have just been that we kept our tv on too long.  Ciao! xofranberry