The Amazing Race Recap: Jesus Joins the Race!

Hey there race fans, Fran here with Berry by my side. We just popped open a six pack of Diet Mountain Dew and a a fresh bag of Berry’s homemade roadkill jerky so we are ready to watch! Last week the Blonde Twins got off to a shaky start and they just kept on sucking, they came in last and got saved by a non-elimination round. Hot Dog!

Snowbros are leaving first at 10:07 am. So, they probably had to wake up pretty early, for them. They have to take a taxi to an elephant and go up the Kong Song Crack River to find their next clue. And as they are they doing their confessional we find out all of a sudden that the Snowbros are suuuuuper christians and have Bible passages written all over their backpack. How do these giant revelations keep coming this late in the season? If they were really that into Jesus I think they would have talked about it before episode five. And did Amani and Marcus really not mention their kids to the camera until episode four? Doubtful. Which means…the AR editors are doling out revelations! Be on the lookout in episode 6 when Ma with an “i” reveals she used to be a dude! And in episode 10 when Team Misery finally admits they’ve hooked up. In episode 11 we’ll hear how many kids they have, on the mat as they are getting eliminated.

“Someday I will go crazy in a circus and kill everyone, just like my heroes!”

Baby elephants bathing might be the cutest thing ever. And they are just as cute as the ones from Disneyland’s The Jungle Cruise, where Berry proposed to me. That was the first time, when I said, “heeeeeeelllllll no.”

The Snowbros want to buy an elephant with the money Jesus will give them for winning the Amazing Race. I think they’re confusing Jesus with a Genie. Sailboat Dad is getting all wise on himself, saying his son will need him. Uh-oh, we’ve watched enough AR to realize that when someone makes a declarative statement, they’re about to make a real ass out of themselves. We can’t wait~

Team WTF is next to leave and Ernie is becoming really really self conscious that he was a B student and isn’t worthy of Cindy’s super smart self. She’s gonna booksmart slap the hell out of him!

The Phil Piper strikes again.

Phil describes the next Roadblock standing in front of a rushing waterfall. OMG Phil, please dive in backwards!!! Phil, you gotta do it!! It’s your moment!! Finish the description, raise up up your arms and just do a back flip into the water and wriggle away down the stream! That would SO guarantee you another Emmy!

Roadblock: Follow the sound of music! Follow the sound of a thai flutist and then search the remote pool (the one that Kate and Sawyer find a briefcase in) for your next clue. (Hope the clue isn’t a dead body in a plane seat.)

The Snowbros rock paper scissors to see who does the roadblock. Jesus makes Tommy lose so Andy has to do it. The sound effects for their RPS games are straight from iMovie. Well, whatever works. Snowbro Longhair dives in the pool and swims through a lot of poopy water until he finds a burlap sack wrapped up in an AR flag. When he gets back ashore, they open the sack and find a ceramic fish. Then, without hesitation, he smashes the fish against the ground. Smashing it would have been my first instinct as well, but I smash any ceramic animal that the Romancing the Stone could be hidden in. Fran’s gotta pay the bills!

Praise Jesus! With His help we have littered!

Now teams must go to a shop and disassemble a Thai shrine, also called a Spirit House and bring the pieces to the Watchana Te Temple where they’ll get their next clue. Do they call it a Spirit House because it’s where ghosts live or because it’s where you drink spirits and get hammered? Either way, we’re in. The Snowbros take apart the shrine paying attention to detail, smart. But would another God let them win this? Probably not.

Team Cathi with an “i” just left the pitstop. They are in seventh out the gates. Oh yeah, there are other teams in this race. I thought this was just the “Snowbro Christian Travel Hour.”

Team Misery is currently in second place then Breakup and Sailboat get on the elephants at about the same time. Lady Misery (Jennifer) is enjoying the elephant eating. I mean really enjoying it. …nasty. Team WTF and Team Peyton are next to Baby Elephant March. Marcus Bell is nervous rocking up and down on the hills. He’s used to smashing into the people this size, not riding them. Well, not until after the game. Booya!

The elephants are moaning a lot. They must be commenting on Team Breakup and wondering why they’re not broken up yet.

Snowbros get to the Temple and there is another Roadblock. They must reassemble the shrine exactly how they found it. Tricky AR, not telling people what they have to pay attention to. But with this crowd you could have said that you’ll have to reassemble it and the only ones who’d notice are the Snowbros anyway. So, back to the Snowbro Christian Travel Hour: They are both going on (separately) about how Christianity is better than Buddhism, because DUH! Christians rock dude! Christians are, like, all about, being cool to each other and loving each other. Not like those hateful Buddhists! Longhair doesn’t get any weird vibes from the temple though…uh….good?

Sailboat Dad was born to ride an elephant, he carries himself so confidently on that beast, “Dr. Keoghan I presume!” There is probably a hole at the bottom of that ceramic fish and they’re all just breaking it for fun. Smashy smashy! Last, but also least the Blonde Twins are off, and they have to do an extra task for being last last week.

Marcus Bell is getting weird in the waterfall. Not sure he knows where he is.

“It’s like a backwards bidet!”

Snowbros do the shrine right and they’re off to the next thing which is feeding fish far far away. The Blonde Twins’ favorite animal is an elephant. Shucks, I bet they say that to all of the things they encounter. “Phil is my favorite animal!”

Team Blonde Twins get to the elephants and they are squealing. A lot. It’s getting really annoying. One says she feels like she’s in the circus. Why, did you give a BJ to a bearded lady?

Misery and Breakup are taking notes and even taking phone pics of the shrine before they disassemble it because they are on to Phil and his tricky ways. Sailboat Baby says they should take notes and the dad is like, “No no, don’t be stupid son, I’m the father that knows all!” Wow, Sailboat dad is getting more dickish by the second! On the other hand Lady Misery is actually being really great, saying how she wants to respect their culture and religion. She seems to want to respect everything except her own brother. Sucks to be him.

Cathi with an “I” falls in the water. not so gracefully. She’s not used to swimming with her clothes on. Team Breakup is super excited to go to Bangkok for some reason. Can’t wait to find out about their Bangkok excitement and how it defines them as people in two episodes.

Sailboat Baby Boy has to go back and take notes. Dad is PISSED saying, “Don’t blame me, you’re responsible! What a pain in the ass.” I mean seriously WOW! I’d sail around the world by myself and risk dying if it got me away form that guy for a couple months, too!

Blonde Twins have a Speed Bump: Wash an Elephant. Oh whatever, they LOVE elephants. They are shoveling manure. They say it actually doesn’t smell, thou dost protest too much. Shut up about how much you like elephants!

WTF Cindy is thinking they’ll have to reassemble the Spirit House, but Ernie pulled a Sailboat Dad and was like ‘who cares let’s go.’ Until he has to reassemble and face the wrath of Cindy!!

Sailboat Baby gets the next clue. Berry doesn’t like the little clue boy. He’s freaking him out.

“Take a clue, and a bag of my hair.”

Blonde Twins are shrieking and squealing to give this elephant a bath. It’s gotta be the most unrelaxing thing this elephant has ever had to be a part of.

Team With an “i” strolls by the washing session. Ma with an umbrella in the back. She’s so Rhianna.

And now we take you to the bus station. The great equalizer, perhaps? Almost. Teams Snowbro, Breakup, Misery and Sailboat are getting on the 4:30 bus to Bangkok. Except Sailboat gets on the wrong bus. Sail Baby is concerned that they are on the wrong bus, but Dad isn’t. He’s obsessed with sabotaging them today. No wonder his daughter couldn’t sail around the world, he probably gave her the wrong coordinates or something and blamed her for screwing up.

WTF Ernie is proving how much of a B-student he really is by not being able to get this Spirit House together! WTF Cindy is bumming. He has to go back to get notes. Meanwhile, Team Peyton are on their way to the bus station.

Blonde Twins are diving in the water for the ceramic fish. Also a burlap sack with a clue in it, but mostly for actual fish. Team With an “i” is rocking and rolling along. Slowly but surely still on this show.

Sailboat realizes, as they’re traveling, that they’re on a first class bus. But apparently they are not allowed to take any first class transport. Sailboat Dad gets his feathers all fluffed and yells at the bus driver until they let him off. They run back three miles to the bus station so that they can get on a regular bus so they don’t get a penalty. Wow, three miles! That’s like 80 nautical miles!

Blonde Twins are taking apart the shrine. One of them is worried that the other one has a bad memory, but no one remembers who is who so who cares?

“Perfect, now shrink me down and put me inside.”

Everyone is saying how expensive the bus is. Since when are things more or less expensive on AR? In the last couple seasons it’s always felt like they’ve had unlimited money especially for taking cabs everywhere. But suddenly teams are having problems. Team WTF tries to pay their cab with $100 U.S. dollars instead of with baht and a third party Thai lady interjects and freaks out on them for trying to short change the driver, she’s threatening to call the cops. She’s so the Thai @RyanStorms.

By the way, let’s check it with the hero @Ryanstorms shall we? “@Ryanstorms: So Remember: the harder you work, the harder you can party #RealTalk” That must be why I see so many doctors and scientists doing beer bongs.

Team Peyton and With an “I” are on their bus heading to Bangkok. Down the way, Team WTF is on a separate bus that leaves at about the same time. Are they on the right bus? Who knows?! We’ll have to wait see what Phil says. Sailboat is on the 8:30 bus and they may be about to strangle a baby.

Blonde Twins are also not having good luck with bus money. They buy a bus ticket, then go to pay their cab and don’t have enough money. They’re like “you gotta pay more!” But they don’t have anymore.” The bus/taxi people decide to call their bluff and the bus leaves without them. They are heartbroken!! Whhhyyyy ussss?! And commercial break!

All is lost. Time to sell some Ford Focus’!

Well, it turns out the only real problem was AR needed an exciting place for a commercial break. But with a bunch of crap sold, the cab driver decides he doesn’t like being paid what he’s owed. And in fact, he hates money so much he’s now going to drive them for free to the bus that stopped to wait for them. YEAH COMMERCIALS!

Now all the teams are traveling on a bus. Team WTF arrives first because turns out they’re on an Express Bus. Is that allowed? We don’t know!

Team WTF talk about how they practiced for the AR by being in Bangkok two years ago, but they don’t think that will help them too much. Unless they need to find “lady boys.” Then they both laugh hard. Lady boys?! What are Lady Boys?! Oh please let Phil be standing next to a Lady Boy on the mat!!!

Teams Snowbro, Breakup and Misery arrive. Considering they all left staggered, it seems like they’re all getting there around the same time.

Blonde Twins are worried because they have no money. How do the other teams have money left? Where are they spending money that the other teams aren’t? Are they going shopping? Did they stop at the mall when the other Boob Team was bungee jumping and blow half their cash? They may not win the race, but they got some super cute rompers! Totes worth it girls!!!

The Teams are hopping in cabs and all shouting at cab drivers what has become the true AR catchphrase “Do you know this? Good, fast, fast!” Team Blonde Twins are the last to arrive by bus. They have no money, and they have to feed fish. And they hate fish. This is what their Match.com profile must look like: Love: Elephants! Hate: Fish Also, I’m two people.

That’s one colorful penis, I mean boat.

Team WTF is feeding the fish, toppins a bag! They get their next clue. Go to the pit stop, the M.R. KUKRIT HERITAGE HOME. By the way, “feed fish” is a pretty lazy thing to do for a clue, AR. I’m watching you! Step it up!

Neither Misery or Breakup have been fighting too much. It must be all this Buddhist stuff, they’ve been living the zen lifestyle without even realizing it! Teams With an “i” and Peyton are next to feed the fish, they finish up and Marcus rallies them on “Come on Bill and Cathi let’s roll!”

Despite Sailor Dad’s best efforts, Team Sailboat is still in the game. And Blonde Twins have no mooooolah so they have to run. Run everywhere! No more cabs for you. Unless of course, they ask a cab driver if they’ll drive them for free with a camera in their face. Then it’s free can rides all around!

Team WTF gets out and runs to the pitstip because traffic is so bad. Was it the right move?

Team With an “i” and Peyton are neck and neck. Peyton is afraid that Ma and Pa with an “i” can run faster than him. Really??? There is NO WAY the old team can out run a professional football player. Right? RIGHT?! Right. Peyton gets there first. And they freak out about it! It’s kind of cool. With an “i” gets in second. And they freak out about how great Team Peyton is. It’s actually pretty weird. Yes, Team WTF, that was a bad move. Ernie will pay dearly tonight. Cindy will dress up as a school teacher and make Ernie study. No sex, just studying!

“Look! A lady boy!”

Team WTF is third with no “however” for taking an express bus.

Blonde Twins ask how long it will take to get to the fish on foot and the guy says it will take five hours. Five hours?! The cabbies seemed to get there pretty quickly. That guy must be a really slow walker. That does suck for them, but they shouldn’t have spent all that money on lady boys. #RealTalk

Snowbros say that you feed the fish, like dog food. How is that like dog food? Like it’s another animal eating? Snowbros have metamorphosized into Team OneTrueGod. Jesus has taken the place of their snowboarding past.

Breakup is on their way to Phil and Misery feeds the fish. The Blonde Twins get a free ride in a pink cab. The generosity of people. People on TV with hot twins that is.

Snowbros have stopped in a hotel or school or something to ask for directions and they’re like “Hurry we’re in a race!” The woman said she’ll find out and come back for her baptism. Sailboat is currently in last place. I wonder why?

“Blah, blah, pitstop, whatever. I bet I know where to go.”

Snowbros are hanging out waiting for the lady to come back. Another lady comes back and tells them that the woman is upstairs teaching so they can sit and wait. She took their clue upstairs and they are probably stuck there. Why don’t they just look in the Bible for their next clue, it’s so obvious. “Keep the faith, brother keep the faith.” They say in their testimonial that “if she took the clue it’s God’s will, so thy will be done.” All their “bros” and “indos” have been suddenly replaced for “thy will be done” and “his will.” Weird. Eventually, a freaky German man comes back out and tells them where to go.

Misery checks in as team number four. They say they were hoping for first place, but they’ll take four. Because they HAVE TO!

The Blonde Twins get another free ride from a purple handed man. She must feel like she’s in the circus again!

Snowbros check in fifth. Sailboat is six. Which seems impossible. Also, we’d like to point out that God is only helping the Snowbros only slightly more than the son with the idiot dad.

Phil reprimands Sailboat for their bus mix up. He says that the first class thing is only for air travel. These guys are not good at rules. But neither is Berry. He puts OJ in his cereal instead of milk. The Snowbros must be really glad God made them run three extra miles.

Breakup is team seven. They thought they were out and they got the old Phil Phake Out! Phil says he can eliminate them if they want him to. I think the question really is, does Phil have that power? That he can eliminate anyone at anytime? Does he chose the non-elimination rounds in the moment? Yes. One True Phil.

Bow before the almighty Phil! He holds your phate in His Emmy winning hands!

At the mat Team Breakup are NOT talking breakup. Sandy says, “if this is the end I’m proud of Jeremy, he’s done more than I expected. I expected him to vomit curse words and cry. Because that’s what he’s like at home.”

Twin Blondes are the last to arrive. He has to eliminate them. Phil tried to give them another chance last week, but they made him look like a fool! So you’re eliminated now! Phil asks them if it’s all about the money? Cuz you sure did shop a lot. Your backpack is filled with cheap Thai jewelry. It weighs like 80 lbs! (180 nautical lbs.)

The Blondes talk about their dad just having died again. Phil wonders if he’d be proud of them. Duh, Phil! What do you think they’re going to say? “Nope. Dad always said, 5th place or better or I disown you.”

They’re doing those fake Simpsons Treehouse or Horror names for Halloween!

Next week in the warm heart of Africa…The AR promotes smoking and teams must carry their own beds. Hot Dog!