The Amazing Race Recap: Legoland SUCKS!

Last week we kissed goodbye to the Sailboat Father and Son team of Team Sailboat. Disappointment off the port bow!!!

We start this leg in Copenhagen, Denmark. The cleanest waterfront in the world. Cool. According to the internet the second cleanest is Chicago, and they dump bloody animals in there, so maybe don’t brag about it so much.

WTF leaves first to go to visit Hans Christian Andersen, the most prolific fairy tale writer in history. Well, a statue of Hans, but he might be inside there, like a prolific chewy center.

Cindy thinks her parents wish she would marry Chinese guy, but Ernie is pretty Chinese for a white dude.

Road Block! The teams must memorize a poem, follow a map on the bicycle wheel to a theater where a critic will listen to them recite the poem. Apparently he will either say, “More drama!” or “Bravo” Either way, he will be creepy about it.

“My hat and bowtie are normal size, it’s my head that abnormally small!”

Cindy is trying to memorize the poem at the foot of the statues and all these fat ass tourists are hanging over the statue so she can’t see the words. Get out the way fat asses we’re trying to memorize a beautiful ass poem here!

Cindy does her best, bikes to the theater, gets up and blows the roof off the joint! Such drama, such passion, such…WTF. “Bravo!” She did it right the first try! Cindy says, “I felt like I was in the audition of my life!” I know how she feels, I barely made callbacks to play Santa for our own children!

With an “i” are remembering how stupid they were in the beginning of the race. Bill wants ice cream. That’s about it.

Snowbros are next to leave and are back to their old hipster speak tricks. They’re really “copenhanging” on my last nerve.

Slow! Dudes digging shit on your right!

WTF bikes back to the statue with the Hans nougat center and open their next clue. They’re going to Legoland! Oh GOD! Perfect….Legoland. What a thrill, I thought Copenhagen was supposed to be clean and great? Not with a Legoland in it. God, Legoland is such a dump! Seriously, we went there for our anniversary. What a piece of crap. It is an “Amusement” Park in the very loosest sense of the word. More like “Come Look at Sunbleached Lego Miniatures of Random Buildings You’ve Never Heard of With a Duck Shitting on Them” Park. Also, you get better “rides” out front of the K-Mart.

An actual picture from San Diego Legoland. WHAT?! Why would you make this into Lego?

Pa thinks Ma will do good memorizing the poem because she was a school teacher. However, she can’t read the map on the wheel so she just stops and gets directions.

What is happening? Why is this dinosaur dressed like he’s a 90′s fly girl?! Help!

SnowBro Shorthair has memorized the poem and is on his way as well.

Marcus is proud of Amani up until this point. Which means, he’s no longer satisfied? Can you get a new partner? That would be fun, one season on AR Phil should make them switch partners in the middle of the race, then sleep together, while Phil watches. Amani is a good teammate considering all of his other friends are professional footballers and couldn’t do it with him. As she memorizes the poem Marcus yells nonsense words to distract her so she’ll remember it better. Like how footballers practice with jet engines going to simulate the crowd sounds. Oddly enough, Amani seems to be really into this idea. They have a weirder relationship than I thought. Marcus is loosely quoting Scarface, “Fly away pelican!”

Ma and Snowbro Shorthair both get lost so Amani gets there first. She performs her poem so sensually she gave Ebenezer Scrooge a big ass boner! She races back and Marcus says “We just took the opening kick-off and ran it for a touchdown.” Whoops, don’t trip Marcus, you dropped another HUGE football metaphor, buddy.

Ma is poeming. Scrooge is not digging on her. She is sent back. Breakup is talking about his son. Not their son. His son. Awkward!! Ma gets back and Pa is stoked until she’s like I gotta go back, I sucked!

WTF gets to Legoland and are impressed with the pirate stuff for some reason. WTF?! No, you’re wrong. It sucks!

Road Block! Again? Yes, this episode has no detours. Lazy AR! Lazy! Looks like somebody spent too much time playing with Legos and forgot to come up with another task!

Teams now have to construct a Lego train station puzzle while riding a twirling swirling pirate ride. A puzzle? That’s not really a Lego thing is it? So fraking lazy.

Back at the theater, Ma’s poem recital gets “Bravo’d”. Scrooge kisses her hand. Uh-oh, Pa’s got some competition! With an “i” are on their way to Legoland.

“I work at Legoland, whatdya want?”

Snowbro Shorthair, doesn’t get it. Not enough drama for his momma. Scrooge is unimpressed. “I need you to bring life to the work.” He needs to douche it up more, I thought that is his forte. He has to go all the way back. Girl Breakup is suffering from the same lifeless problem. No drama in the poem reading. In her life with her dick boyfriend and mothering a child that’s not hers? Plenty!

Snowbro Shorthair is back, he’s such a douche. He phones it in and is lame but he gets it. If it were us, we would definitely have been shouting “More Drama!” Probably “More Cherry Dr. Pepper, too!” We love that stuff! Girl Breakup is not that much better, but she is louder so that’s good enough I guess. “Whatever, Bravo,”

WTF finds out that they have to go to “Hamburg Hbf” which is a train station and it really excites them for some reason. They just have to get the pieces together. They are starting to get sick. But they get it together just in time. Puke Drama!

The weird Legoland kid tells them, “That is correct” and hands their clue to the camera.

They have to drive to Hamburg. Off they go in their Ford Focu$.

Team Peyton is on the ride. Amani didn’t take her motion sickness pill, so this is going to be interesting. They keep referencing the throwup bag. More Puke Drama! Bravo!

They don’t finish the puzzle before the ride ends and they have to put their hands in the air and wait until the ride starts again. The clue giving boy disapproves. But he works at Legoland, so he’s constantly surrounded by disappointment.

Meanwhile, With an “i” is lost. They can’t find Legoland. Probably because if anyone has ever been there they try to block out the memory. Seriously you guys, Legoland SUUUCK$!

“Am I a butler going surfing? Or am I a surfer’s butler? Nobody knows! Also, I’m made of Legos.”

Back to Legoland where both members of Peyton are gonna barf. Probably because of the smells at Legoland.

Snowbros and Breakup get to the ride at the same time. Snowbros are excited and Breakup is already nauseaus. Breakup Boy is wishing his son was there to help him. Snowbros really think they are hilarious, don’t they? They’re taunting Amani to try and get her to puke. Just like Jesus did to the blind men. They’re bragging about how snowboarders are totally used to spinning. Why? Seems like if you’re spinning around more than twice you’re doing it wrong. Peyton finishes!

WTF is driving to the train station getting all technical about dialects and accents. What a thrilling relationship.

Snowbros are done. Breakup lost a lego piece on the ground and they don’t see it. They take their whole thing apart and get a new one. How many times do we have to tell you?? If you lose something, just watch where the cameraman zooms in and there it is!

WTF gets to Hamburg and has to get to Brussels by train for their next clue. WTF drops their boarding passes!! Oh shit! Better watch that cameraman zoom!!

With an “i” finally gets to Legoland after a hotel directions stop and almost leaving without their clue. They get the clue pretty fast and Pa says something about wanting a hot dog. Nasty Pa.

WTF realizes that they don’t have their tickets for the second train. She is freaking out and Ernie thinks it’s hilarious. Of course the train is way late in the day so they’re all getting on the same train which means there is no last place again. Boring!

But WTF decides to just get on the first train and ask the conductor for help? Unfortunately, the conductor is super unhelpful in the most obnoxious foreign way.

“If you can tell me if I’m a boy or a girl I will give you all the help you need.”

Snowbros are super judging WTF and their ticket loss. Yeah, how stupid it is of them to lose something! I give it two legs until one of the Snowbros leaves his passport in a bathroom.

WTF decides to just get on the second train ticketless and see what happens. What rebels! Who would have thought WTF would be such badasses! You go WTF! Steal that train ride! Turns out there was no conductor, no problem, no drama. They’re in the clear.

Cindy was all freaked out, but Ernie kept his cool. It’s like he knew that nobody would ever come by. Oh my God, he tied up the conductor and threw him off the train didn’t he?! ERNIE!!!

Snowbros are looking particularly greasy as they got off the train. It’s a cab race to their next road block, “Modern Building.” OMG. Body Building Posedown! Phil explains that the teams must change into skimpy clothes, paint themselves tan and do a series of poses that will be judged. They must get a score of 12 points to get their clue. Phil even gives us a bit of a thrill by doing a bit of posing on his own!

“Come on Phil, take off those jeans.” – Berry

Pa looks like, “Oh yeah, I’ve done this a lot.” He slips into that speedo and tanning paint like it’s a pair of comfortable slippers. “Every Sunday we’d have to wake up early and pose for daddy when we lived on the farm.”

Did they warn everyone to shave their pubes or did Ma just loose all of hers? Either way, lookin’ good, Ma!

Snowbro is acting like he doesn’t like it. We all know you love this!

Cindy has some serious bruises. She likes it rougher than we thought. She likes it “train-conductor-tied-up” rough, ERNIE!!

Speaking of which, Ernie might be gettin’ turned on by Snowbros painting tanning lotion on themselves. He’s giving them a lot of looks. Weird looks. Wait, what’s happening to his speedo?

ERNIE!!!!!!

Surprisingly, this road block doesn’t have as much burring out of accidental nudity as we would have thought. Just a little sideboob from Amani. Now all the teams are tan painted, in their bright orange speedos and practicing their poses. Everyone looks so weird! Like Jersey Shore versions of themselves.

To help Marcus remember the poses Amani is coming up with an elaborate escalator fantasy where she smacks a dude in the face. Ernie, you’ve got some competition!

WTF did some good posin’, but only got 9 points so they have to do it again.

Snowbros sucked. More abs drama!!

Peyton were crowd pleasers. And Judge pleasers. And extras pleasers. Wow, they got some horny ladies watching this competition! They’re all hopping out of their folding chairs, hooting and hollering and going nuts! There’s gonna be a lot of new babies in Brussels in nine months!

“But instead of fingers I want dicks!!“

Team Peyton got their 12 points and they head out yelling for their cab driver, “MARTIN!! MARTIN!” Oooh! Maybe Sheneheh’ll be driving.

Snowbros try again and are getting boos. “It was humbling for sure.” Like when Jesus fell into the water the first few times he tried to walk on it because he was busy trying to get people to puke.

Ernie is working the crowd. The horny ladies are really loving Ernie. WTF passes. But Cindy’s jealousy will last a lifetime.

The body buliders are offended by With an “i”. The judges are like, “Try not to be so saggy and old, it’s offensive. Also, why are you not using multiple steroids?? Also, were you warned to shave your pubes?”

Breakup is getting a good crowd response. They got 13 points! Wow! They did the best. Not at love, but at body building poses! Good thing you can base a relationship on that. Just ask Fran’s ex-husband!

Snowbros keep saying how humbling everything is. Maybe there’s a lesson in that?

Now it’s a cab race to Elizabeth Park. Peyton gets there first! They are greeted by a weird band who is possibly playing the theme song to Cheers. They’re very happy to hear that they are team #1! They are going to Panama! Panama? Great?! Phil tells them that since they came in first they get to leave first? Huh, Phil what are you-And the next leg of the race starts right now!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Phaked out!!! No time to wash that paint off your body today! Get your ass goin’! To be continued…We’ve got chills. Wait not chills, extreme frustration. Who’s Philliminated?! We need to know? Phil, stop giving us blue AR balls!

Next week, the race continues in Belgium. Team Snowbros get a taste of their own medicine as Team Peyton mocks their asses and Ernie does his best Speed Racer impression!

Go Speed Ernie, Go Speed Ernie! Go Speed Ernie Gooooo!!