That is NOT rated PG!
Welcome back, last week on AR, stuff happened! People raced through Indonesia and Team Snowbros came in first because Team Sailboat forgot to read a clue and starved a bunch of orphans and Team Smartboobs were Philiminated and headed back to their challenging work as cocktail waitresses/questionable moms.
8 teams remain! Who will be eliminated NEXT on…Amazing Race! [CUE THE MUSIC!] Imagine if they just told you at the beginning of the episode who won? That would NOT be amazing. Just once I would love Phil’s voice over to say, “Who will be eliminated NEXT…on the Amazing Race….It’s Team Breakup.” [CUE THE MUSIC!]
Welcome back to Indonesia race fans. Did you know that Indonesia has 129 active volcanoes? More than any other country in the world? North America only has like 20! And they are all on the west coast! Get it together continental United States! Indonesia is kicking our ass in scary-might-explode-any-minute-volcanoes!!
Well, a place that almost got destroyed by a volcano was the pitstop for this leg of the race. Snowbros are the first to get the hell outta “Indo” and head to Phuket, Thailand! I love their noodles. Mmm…Phuket noodles. Excuse me for a moment. Fran!! Grab one of those Thai food delivery menus from our doorknob and order me some Phuket noodles! What? They only have Pad Thai and Pad See Ew? Oh, Phuket.
Okay, I’m back.
Team Sailboat leaves next and is talking about making mistakes, and how if they make a mistake they have to make a mistake with another team. Yeah, if you’re gonna go down in a ball of flames at least drag someone down with you. That’s what my parents said to me the day I married Fran. Dad Sailboat says he can’t remember if he’s been to Thailand before. Damn, nice #humblebrag. Apparently he’s just been too many amazing places to remember them all. You know what that’s like, right? Nope, us either. The more he talks the more he sounds like the 1%. TOPICAL!
At the airport we find out there are no direct flights to Phuket, but you can go through Jakarta. Which the Snowbros and team Sailboat intend to do. Sounds simple enough.
“Once you’ve reached Frodo- Wait! You guys are Merry and Pippin right?”
They book the flight and we see the obligatory shot of the tickets printing out. Why do we always see that shot? Who cares? As if people use real boarding passes anymore. Now it usually looks more like a receipt they can just scan. We’ve even seen people use their iPhones! You kids nowadays do everything with your phones. Heck, I bet you even use it to shower! It’s for everything but calling people, for that you use the computer!! Ha! Old people humor! Okay, and now these teams are off to Phuket.
The next team to escape the land of volcanoes is Team Breakup. She says “We’re going to bucket” “We need to get in the middle [of the road] to get to Bucket!!!” Bucket? You dummy!
By the way, Team Breakup has been pretty easy going. Not much shouting at all. I think the brother and sister team feel like they’re ging to break up more than this dating couple that started by saying this was the test of their relationship. Come on you two, have a melt down already!
Team Miserable, the brosis team (Justin and Jennifer) leave next. Wasn’t that an American Idol movie? “From Justin to Jennifer”? I think I fell asleep watching that with pizza on my lap. Although to be honest, that can be said for about 80% of the movies I have attempted to watch in the past fifteen years.
Team WTF is off next and Cindy says they were just in Phuket! We assume for part of their extensive AR training where she made them fly all over the world and familiarized themselves with the layout of every city everywhere. Smart move!
Next to leave is Team Peyton. Team Peyton is like, “we have four kids.” WHAT?! Amani does NOT look like she has had four kids. We think Marcus Bell just did her once and it was so powerful she had four babies. “I WILL NOT wait three years for a family, we are doing this all right now!”
Team Cathi with an “i” says they have gotten a second wind. They think they might be here for a while. And to be honest, we agree. They are starting to win us over. Maybe old people aren’t a terrible useless drain on our society after all. Maybe. Then Team Blonde Twins tells us a sob story us with their father’s untimely passing. It’s actually very sad. Sorry, bummer alert.
Apparently this episode of AR is Sponsored by AirAsia.com. They’re showing that sign so much it’s like it says to give over all your money to orphans. ZING episode 2!
The other teams start arriving at the airport and we hear about the Jakarta flight again. Meanwhile Snowbros and Team Sailboat are landing in Jakarta, way ahead! Wow! And they run up to the ticket counter and try to get a flight to Phuket, but they’re all booked! Damn, Jakarta to Phuket is one hot ticket. Who would have known? Not the Snowbros and Team Sailboat, that’s for sure. So Team Sailboat finds a flight to Bangkok to Phuket. While waiting for their tickets to print out in front of the camera the Snowbros are being SUPER annoying secretly standing behind them and touching them all weird. Sorry everybody, I really hate these guys. So, they both get on the same flight and they’re on their way.
“Can a sailor get a snack in this piece?!”
Now, here’s where it gets confusing. For some reason the other teams did not have a problem getting tickets from Jakarta to Phuket, which means they all booked both flights at the same time, which is not only smart, but totally rational and normal. That also means Sailboat and Snowbros just buy one flight at a time. Which is INSANE! Insane and weird.
So all the teams are in the air to Phuket and the Jakarta later teams arrive first. They hit the ground. All teams are now making their way to the set of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 6! Fran always bitches about how she wishes she was in that mermaid challenge. Teams land and make their way to a marina and as Sandy from team breakup says “We’re hoping when we get there, we’re going to bed.” Yes, I often hope I get to sleep at a marina. Fran and I slept on a dock once after our houseboat sank, it was one of the most romantic nights of our lives.
In the cab Team Twinboobs forgot to exchange all their Indonesian money for Thai money which means they’re broke. They are literally Two Broke Girls. They say that with luck and prayer they’ll be okay. And boobs, don’t forget about the boobs.
When the camera man snapped out of it, he knew the button was his only hope of justifying this footage.
Amani and Marcus are wearing little matching red hats. I mean these hats are really red. And really little. Team Cathi with an “i” get an AWESOME cab driver and kick butt on their way to the marina passing everyone. They are yelling, “Chop chop good shape.” What a racist asshole Pa is!!!! And Cathi with an i is getting crass and nasty! “Hot Dog!”
“Chop chop pull over for some luuuuuube!!”
Then Sailboat and and Snowbros get off their flight from Bangkok to Phuket. The lady at the cab stand tells Sailboat and Snowbros that they are last and they don’t take it so well. She, however, thinks it’s hilarious!
Commercial break! Whoa, Wayne Brady got Howie Mandel syndrome. No head hair and a weird goatee. Freaky!
They are just using this race as a Terra Nova audition tape.
And we’re back! After a bunch of back and forth and different flights and fast cabs and last teams to leave and after all of that they all get to the marina and wait…until 8:00 AM when it opens. DAMNIT!!!! Of course. They’re all caught up. Remember the first 16 minutes of the show that just happened? It means nothing. It was a giant waste of time! What is the point about ever caring if they’re always going to be forced to catch up?! You’ve lost my trust AR! It’s gone! Plus Twinboobs just got a freebee cab ride!! Behold the power of boobs.
In the morning they all speculate what they’re going to have to do when the marina opens. Jennifer Miserable says, “I’m going to puke on a speedboat though, I know that.” Oh…goodie. And the marina opens!! They run down the wobble dock (which is also what we call our privates). They grab the clues and Phil tells us how the teams are going to rebuild the town’s tourism industry from the 2004 tsunami! Yeah AR is doing good things. Good, Emmy winning things!
Detour: Carl Reconstruction or Beach Preparation. In Carl reconstruction, teams must build a Carl nursery and put it on a kayak with a tray of live Carl. Rowing out to a busy they have to dive underwater and place their Carl into the nursery. Wait, wait, wait! Who is Carl? And why is he so integral to Thailand’s tourism industry? Ohhhhh….he’s saying CORAL! Oh, Phil, your accent is so cute! In Beach Preparation. They have to set up 20 chairs and 10 umbrellas to the exact standards of some beach club. Sounds stupid.
“Please don’t tell me it’s shark week.”
The Snowbros are in first place again, no thanks to AirAsia.com! The teams are in boats headed to an island to hang with Carl and beach chairs. It’s like a scene out of an 80′s drug runner movie with all these speed boats in a race. Fun! Team Miserable is not so miserable in Thailand, in fact, they’re actually having a good time reenacting Titanic. Please don’t make us watch him paint her nude.
In general, the teams are having a pretty good time just boating along. Playfully yelling at each other. It’s so cute how they think the other team flying by on a speed boat can hear them.
The Snowbros may be out of their element in the sand, but they decide to rebuild some Carl. Blonde Twinboobs are preparing the beach. Which is closer to their element, as long as they’re sitting in the chairs.
Assembling beach chairs. ur doin it wrong.
Team Peyton are all about talking about their kids all the sudden, it’s like the floodgates burst. They say how they recently watched a program about the tsunami with their kids. Wow, sounds like a fun time! “Mommy, can we watch Cars 2? No, more tsunami footage!”
Team Breakup is helping out Carl as well, and they are starting to bicker. Finally!! And Team Miserable lost their king of the world attitude. She treats him like he’s an abusive husband, but she’s the abusive sister. I knew Carl could rip your feet up, but I didn’t think it could tear families apart!
Team Sailboat goes the wrong way looking for Carl. Okay, so that’s the second time these guys have missed signs. And this kid travelled around the world in a sailboat, huh? Team Breakup keeps yelling “you gotta pay attention” at each other. Here it comes! Their name is about to come to fruition! Thank God we didn’t give up on them. Team Snowbros kayak out and say some crap about “Yeah dog, freakin’ awesome, bro, dude, etc.” It’s all pops and whistles to me, I don’t speak “munchies.” Uh-oh, I’m getting my grandpaternal instinct on lookin’ at that baby Carl. I so badly want a baby Carl of my own to grow. Like little baby water cactus’.
Teams now have to use the compass and find an island using a medallion that looks EXACTLY like it’s from Goonies. Seriously, they stole that thing right from Chester Copperpot! What a rip off! What’s going to be their next challenge? Use oil slick shoes? Play a piano made of bones? Feed a mentally challenged person a candy bar?! So, they’re going to Soap Island, those dirty snowboarders are not going to like that.
The guy who “works” at the beach resort, to tell them if they’ve set up the chairs correctly is very weird looking, in a great way. And Fran keeps imitating his creepy sounding “Yeeess.” I’m sitting next to a regular Daryl Hammond over here. Too bad her one impression is of “That one judge on that one Amazing Race episode for that beach char challenge.” Not very relatable.
“Yeeessss, I’m totally normal.”
The Blonde Sister Twin can’t open a beach chair, the Thai men think it’s hilarious. They keep cutting to them laughing at the Blonde twins. They cut to them so much we’re starting to think they may be laughing at something else and they just edited them in to make the Blonde Girls look stupid. How dare you AR! You’ve lost my trust again!
Team Breakup messed up their baby Carl, and their relationship. Finally, they’re fighting! We enjoy it because it gives Fran and I a nice “At least we’re not THAT bad” moment.
Team Peyton just de-reconstructed Carl and littered blue pvc pipe all over the ocean floor and switched to the other task. So much for helping out after the tsunami! We can’t wait until they make their kids watch that video. Marcus Bell says, “I’ve never been so tired and whipped ever, and that includes when Peyton Manning asked me to run scrimmages with him and Eli for a whole summer break. I pride myself on the fact that I can do anything, but putting some baby Carl on the floor….nope.”
“That baby coral had to die, it’s not personal, it’s business.”
Team With an “i” gets to the storage shed. Pa, “This is going to be a fine mess.”
Team Breakup is all, “get over here!” And, “you can’t talk to me like that!” The wind is blowing umbrella’s over. It reminds us of that trailer park from last season. You know, the one where that lady with the beehive was trying to get with Phil? Sailboat is working together to really shove that umbrella’s mast down in the sand. Blonde Twinboobs get an umbrella in successfully and the Thai men at the bar are still laughing at them! Oh yeah, they’ve got to be laughing at something else. Maybe in the distance a dog is surfing. Now the girls are crying and they’re laughing even harder! Seriously, a dog is surfing behind the girls, or there are some serious cultural differences happening.
Snowbros get to Soap Island. “Who wants to be King of the Phil?!” Phil says, “Someone must teach me to Phuket.” JK. Road Block: Climb Island Rock. Teams have to climb to a bird’s nest and fight a mama eagle to get their next clue. Team Miserable is gaining on them. They are making Goonies jokes and laughing hysterically because they really really like quoting movies on speedboats. It maybe the only thing they enjoy doing together.
“I’m going crazy! I’m going crazy!” Marcus Bell exclaims! Amani says it’s his little catchphrase that she lets him have. Hmm, it’s less of a catchphrase and more of a cry for help. Fran’s catchphrase is “I fell in the tub, help!” It’s her silly little catchphrase I let her have. Team Breakup is really delivering this week. Boy Breakup (Jeremy) is mad at Girl Breakup (Sandy) because she didn’t measure the distances between the umbrellas so he has to do it all over again. His mouth says that they can learn from these experiences. But his face says HATE.
SnowBro longhair is rock climbing to some kickin’ Garageband music. They get the clue and head to their next pitstop at a floating stadium in Koh Panyi, a town that sits atop the water that you may remember from Crash Bandicoot.
Team Miserable are not so bad, Lady Misery climbs the rocks good enough. Lavar Burton is proud of her. They are back on their speedboat of love and head to the pitstop.
Team WTF gets their secret special medallion and compass and try and remember the lay of the land from their practice race. Team Peyton is trying to give some advice to Blonde Twinboobs. By twisting the umbrella down in the sand. More inter-team help. Helping each other?! Free cab rides?! Not showing the dog surfing?! NO TRUST!
Snowbros meet up with Phil and their father, a character from Mortal Kombat.
They are first so they win $5000 each. Great, as if Shaun White’s clothing line needed anymore encouragement. Team Miserable lands in at number 2. Phil razzes Lady Misery about how bitchy she is and they have an old fashioned Phil Eyebrow Off. But it’s all in good fun because they are team number 2!
Team WTF may not know where North is. That’s crazy! How did they not practice that?! They had been going South for way too long. WTF.
Meanwhile, Sailboat just got their eagle’s nest clue. Dad Sailboat brags about how his wee baby has navigated a sailboat around the world so, yeah this compass thing, they’ve got it down! Team Blonde turned all Napoleon Dynamite, “you’re going so sloooo.” “shup up GOD!” As they desperately and defeatedly kick the sand they say their new motto should be, “pay attention to detail.” They finally, finally, finally get the heck off the beach. Amani gets the clue and they’re off. Team Breakup is turning their frown upside down and now they’re proud of each other. Team WTF just got to the rock climbing, and they’ve practiced rock climbing so they’re good. They’ve actually practiced climbing THAT specific rock so that should make up for that “going down South” detour. One time Fran made me go down south instead of Bangkok. It did not turn out well. Eventually she agreed and I went back to Phuket.
Ma with an “i” is perving out all over Pa. She’s looking up at his junk tucked into that harness and screaming, “I like the view I have.” This race has really awoken their animalistic lust side. The Amazing Race can do that to you. We know first hand. We canceled our Extenze prescription for three whole months when we got home.
Across the water in the Straight of Dumb Ass, Sailboat tries to blame the map or the compass for their lack of sailboat knowledge. They see another team going by and just go ahead and follow them. Technically that’s not cheating, but it’s pretty damn lame.
Marcus Bell is very eager to get to a floating stadium. Once Peyton passed a Corona to him in the team hot tub, maybe it will be like that.
Team Breakup is 3. Every relationship is going to have miscommunication and unfortunate facial expressions. Team Sailboat comes in 4th while Breakup is still on the mat. Sandy is like, “WHOA!!!!!” She can’t believe that another team is there to see her and Jeremy still technically a couple.
WTF is 5. Peyton is 6. They might have been 5, but they were too busy reenacting that scene from Spinal Tap where they can’t find the stage.
Team Blonde Twinboobs climbed the hill and they say “it’s like we’re riding to our death.” Too soon. Right? Isn’t that too soon? Ah, I don’t know, maybe if you lose your father it makes you laugh in the face of death. I never knew my father. He was eaten by wolves before I was born. My mom named me Berry, because she always used to say, “if your father hadn’t gone out to pick those damn berries, he might still be alive.”
Cathi with an “i” is team number 7. Lucky number 7, and they are both getting lucky tonight!! Phuket indeed! YEAH!!! We warned you from the beginning this is NOT rated PG. Blonde Twinboobs get to Phil. He isn’t doing his normal sad sap thing he does so we have a hunch they’re still in. And BAM! It’s a non-elimination round. Either we’re getting good or Phil is getting bad, because we totes called that one. They will have to complete a speedbump next week. It’s not over until next week, when it’s over.
Their tears of joy are even identical!
Stay tuned, Bertram put together some clips from next week for you to enjoy! Imagine if you will, an elephant race. Team Breakup fighting. Blonde Twinboobs get face tattoos like The Hangover 2, and they don’t got noooooo money hoooooney!! See you later racers! xoFranberry