The Amazing Race Recap: Rachel Shows Her………Dramatics!

Welcome back!!! To the Amazing Race and TVgasm!

Berry and I are grateful for a lot of things. We have a partial roof over our heads. As much applesauce as we can eat. A little Franberry on the way. But the thing we are most grateful for today is that those clowns are gone! Thank God! It was just getting too awkward to watch them. Like a warped therapy session bursting at the seams. Maybe it would have been easier for them to run the race if they were in full clown costume the whole time. Then their dominant personality would have been in charge. Plus, it would have been an interesting cultural study of how South America responds to American circus freaks. Oh well. Another time. Another show. On a channel we don’t get.

See ya. Would definitely NOT wanna be ya.

We start this week in Buenos Aires at that big old rubber tree in the hoity-toity part of town. Team Blowup was first to arrive so they are first to leave. They head to Asuncion, Paraguay. Once there they must travel by taxi to an equipment supply place and find their next clue inside of a grill. The equipment stored here is only playground pieces and grills. Odd. But we’ve never been to Paraguay. Maybe that’s what they’re really into.

Boy Guns leave second. They are confident because they speak Spanish real good, but because they are border patrol guards they can only say things like, “POP THE TRUNK!” and “WE DO NEED STINKING BADGES!” Blowup and Boy Guns get to the airport and get their names on the stand-by list for the earliest possible flight out. That would give them a huge lead over the other teams.

All the other teams get to the airport. Girl Guns AKA “Schoolmarms” (WINK WINK WINK) are waving all of the arriving teams over to tell them about the stand-by list. Boy Guns is freaking out because they don’t want to run the race for them. This is their race to run!

“What?! We brought enough stand-by list for the whole class.” (WINK WINK WINK)

Bopper and Barfer and some other teams are trying to talk the ticket agent into letting them move their name up on the list but she won’t budge. She then approaches Blowup and Boy Guns to tell them she can sell them tickets, she only has four tickets to sell, so it looks like the camera men have to stay in Argentina. These two teams are stoked and they are getting a little cocky. But the tables have turned! It seems as though Girl Guns and Bopper & Barfer have made the first flight as well! Juicy AR, JUICY!!!

Hillbilly Bono and Barfer.

The first flight is away! At 8:45am. With Blowup, Boy Guns, Girl Guns and Bop & Barf. The second plane is two hours behind with everyone else. But Second Chance Ralph wants you to know, “he’s still going to play hard!” Okay dude, do whatever you want just stop wagging that finger at me! That finger is bent weird or something, it’s creeping me out.

Ralph: “If E.T. can get the chick with his finger, so can I.”

Vanessa: “Elliot was a little boy, not a chick. Plus, you’ve already got me! You got me at hello.”

The first plane lands and it’s taxi anarchy. “We need a taxi!” “We need a taxi!” Barfer’s trying to explain to a cab driver where to go, the pressure is about to make him barf! Boy Guns hops in their cab and proudly declares they are the team to beat. Bopper proudly declares, “yes baby ridey likey stoey baby!”

Boy Guns get to the equipment supply and start looking for their clue. They find it and are on their way to the DETOUR! Stacked Up or Strung Out!?!? In Stacked Up teams must find THE BIGGEST fruit market in Paraguay and stack watermelons into a big ass pyramid. “When the vendor is satisfied with the mountain of melons, he’ll hand over the next clue.” In Strung Out teams make their way to an auditorium where they must choose a harp (the national instrument of Paraguay-who knew?! I’VE NEVER BEEN THERE!) and attach 36 strings to their instrument based on an ongoing demonstration. When the harp is ready for tuning, the harp conductor will hand them their next clue.

Boy Guns is all about getting Stacked Up. They dive head first into some melons. Bopper and Barfer chose Stacked Up too, as do Girl Guns and Blowup. The whole gang! Boy Guns gets to the market and starts their pyramid. They are so not afraid to get dirty and slimey because they are used to catching “dopers” all day. The other teams get there and are already bitching about how “it’s so hot” and “this is physically challenging” and “I won’t be able to have babies after this.” Then Barfer throws a watermelon at Bopper’s head and makes all the Paraguayan children roar with laughter.

Barfer! You’re not supposed to eat the detour!!!

The second plane lands and everyone is yelling “rapido” at their cab drivers. Poor cab drivers on The Amazing Race. They are so abused.

Back at the market, Blowup Rachel is trying to offer her man some water but he doesn’t need it because he was in Iraq for a year. Then he starts yelling at her to work more and she starts yelling back, “you are the least encouraging person ever!” I sense a BLOWUP!! Rachel confesses in her testimonial that when he comes down on her it doesn’t make her want to do things. Am I right ladies?! Fellas, if you want your lady to do something, don’t tell them to do it or it’s not gonna get done! Berry wonders why I haven’t paid our DISCOVER bill in two years, it’s because he reminds me to every month! DAMN! BACK OFF!!

Team Reality and Daisy Dukes find their grilled clue and slide off to do Stacked Up. It’s anyone’s game! Right as they leave the equipment supply, TwinBros, GTFO and Second Chance pull up. TwinBros decide to do Strung Out! This game just got interesting! They could finish that in a second! It’s anyone’s game! GTFO and Second Chance head to the melons.

Boy Guns is done stacking! They are so stoked. They cuddle in the cab on the way to their next stop, Plaza de la Democracia. They are really going after first place so they can win each other’s respect so they can finally kiss.

Girl Guns just had a serious set back, their pyramid toppled over. I hope they did it on purpose so people don’t catch on to who they really are. Aw, crap! Bopper & Barfer AND Blowup’s piles just collapsed!! Cut to Boy Guns gazing into each other’s eyes, “I love being on the race. I love it I love it I love it.”

“I want to patrol your border.”

Bopper & Barfer are going to start over. Blowup is changing tasks. Blowup Dave wants to use the express pass but Rachel is all, “NOPE NOPE NOPE!” Girl Guns follows Blowup’s lead and goes to Strung Out. Bopper & Barfer go too after a little argument. As they are leaving Daisy Dukes pull up. The girls ask if the challenge was hard, the guys lie and say no and that it took them two hours. Bop & Barf proceed to the next spot in the cab the girls just got out of. They are real proud of themselves. Not sure exactly what they said but they were laughing a lot. Daisy Dukes get to the watermelon stacking area and see that it’s not going to work out for them so they run out to find another cab to Strung Out.

Boy Guns get to the Plaza de la Democracia and open their next clue. Roadblock: Who’s ready to use their head?! Teams must perform a traditional Paraguayan dance while balancing a bottle on top of their head. If they break all of the bottles provided they will get stuck with a two hour penalty. If they complete the dance with the bottle intact they will receive their next clue. Art’s going to do this challenge because he has a big fat heat. His big fat head must not be flat on top because he’s not doing so hot.

GTFO, Reality and Second Chance are all having a go at the melons. Reality Rachel and Second Chance Vanessa are getting into it. Vanessa is saying how she can see Rachel’s whole ____.  But that “W” and blank space must be a mistake.  She can see Rachel’s hole. That’s much more accurate. That makes Rachel self conscious and makes her want to go do Strung Out. Team Reality bitches about Vanessa in the cab.

better half.

Boy Guns Art completes the bottle dance! Wow. They must be really far ahead or he is slightly better at balancing than we were led to believe. They are off to the pit stop! They get directions from the local police. (Wonder if the police gave them a hard time because they are not native Paraguayans.) They jog to Phil and his gorgeous mat-mate. They are so happy to get team number one. And they won a trip to the Bahamas. A romantic trip for two burly border patrollers who just want to be understood, sexually. Boy Guns are very proud of themselves and call that they are going to win every leg including the last one.

“Have mercy.”

TwinBros arrive at Strung Out. Elliot says that he’s been strung out before so this will hopefully be easy for them. Oh, wait no, he said he’s strung guitars before. All the other teams arrive. Blowup gets spooked and uses their express pass. There is something about Reality Rachel that Berry doesn’t like. He can’t put his finger on it but it might be something about her face, and her attitude and soul.

Bopper is singing loudly to throw off all the other teams. It’s upsetting the harpists and me. TwinBros are flipping out. I guess harps are way different than guitars. But Daisy Dukes seem to be doing alright and they didn’t even play a string instrument, they played the flute!

Blowup is at the bottle dance. I’m confused, I thought the express pass takes you straight to the pit stop. Blowup Dave breaks all the bottles and they head to Phil to wait out their two hour penalty.

“Rachel and Dave. I’m going to ask you to sit in the penalty box so me and this foxy mama can grind on the mat. Your two hours begins now.”

Reality is STRUNG OUT! They just finished their harp. I guess sometimes it pays to have your whole _____ showing. Bop & Barf get it. I believe Bop says that he’s “the magic finger bopper.” Which is so off putting in so many ways. Meanwhile, tension is growing between TwinBros. Daisy Dukes finish stringing, then Girl Guns.

Back at melon stacking, GTFO finishes. Second Chance isn’t even close. Even though they are terribly far behind they recommit to stacking. Because they have to set an example for Ralph’s tween daughter. If they give up stacking these watermelons and move on to another task to strategically get ahead of another team it will show his daughter that you can just accomplish something in more than one way. And that’s too confusing for a tween to grasp.

Reality Rachel, Barfer, Joey “Fitness”, Girl Gun Nary and Kerri Duke start the bottle dance. Reality Rachel finishes with ease followed by Joey “Fitness.” Reality and GTFO foot race to Phil! Let Reality Rachel’s obnoxious whining begin! “Jersey Shooore is going to beeeat us!” Ugh! Shut up! Team Reality hits the mat. Rachel is whining and dry heaving. Brendon is trying to console her but she can’t hear him because she’s feeling too sorry for herself. Phil checks them in 2nd and GTFO 3rd.

Reality show tip #1: If you’re not getting enough stage time. Start to vomit! Editors will not edit out a good vomit.

Over at the bottle dance, Barfer is gettin’ her done! Bop yells something encouraging at him and they’re off to the pit stop. Girl Gun Nary is done and the girls are on their heels! They run to Phil together. They get there seconds before Blowup’s time penalty is up. Bop & Barf are 4th, Girl Guns is 5th, and Blowup is 6th. Bop yells insane mumblings that even Phil can’t understand. And he’s fluent in over six million forms of communication.

Daisy Dukes are team 7. The sun goes down. Second Chance and TwinBros are still working. They seem to finish around the same time. They are both headed to the bottle dance. They are so happy to see each other. They know they are both still in it. It’s anyone’s game!! They are bottle neck and bottle neck. Vanessa comments on Ralph’s dance, “Oh my God he’s doing it, HE’S ACTUALLY DOING IT!” Ralph finishes first. They run to the pit stop. But now Elliot is done too! TwinBros is off and running! Foot race! Second Chance crawl to the mat as team 8. Thank God they didn’t get eliminated or they wouldn’t have shown Ralph’s tween anything.

TwinBros are last and sadly, eliminated. They are disappointed but they are good sports. Yeah, that’s how we feel too. They were cute twins, but sort of a filler team. Moving on!

Next week on The Amazing Race: Reality Rachel gets more annoying and whiney, Blowup lights their fuse towards Blowup-dom, and Boy Guns play with toy helicopters. Funsies! See you then! xofranberry