The Amazing Race Recap: Solar Powered Insanity

Fran here with Berry by my side ready to tackle Episode 2! Last week on the Amazing Race teams flew to Argentina and then this happened:

“This ‘lil piggy goin’ to maaaaaarket!!!!!!!”

Team Blowup leaves first at 2:46am. They must drive themselves to the Cafayate Town Square and wait for a “chasqui” (a mounted postman) to give them their first clue. You think a mounted postman is going to be hanging around at 2:46 am?! No way! I don’t care what country you’re in, the post office does not budge on their hours of operation. Blowup Dave and Rachel get to the town square and find out the chasqui doesn’t get there until sunrise. So pretty much all of the teams are about to catch up. Unless they are super stupid, which could happen.

Boy Guns leave literally being followed by Team Reality. And Boy Guns are not to happy about their tails. They think they’re just going to follow them around because they can’t do anything on their own. “But what do you expect from a UCLA student?” Yeah, famed university students are dongs!

Girl Guns (Nary and Jamie) who are federal agents are telling the other teams that they are school teachers. They think this will help them slip under the radar. Make them look less threatening. Tricky ladies!

Role playing at its most boring.

Team Clown are not only married clowns (which is enough of a back story for anyone ever) but Mr. Clown is a two time cancer survivor. I imagine when the doctor told him the news his reaction was a slow, sad slide whistle sound.

“She helped me fight cancer with laughter. Also, if I’m married to her, cancer is sorta a walk in the park.”

Bopper and Barfer hit the road. They seem to be bragging that they can’t speak Spanish, that they “only speak country, no other language.” Just like most respectful Americans.

So, just like we predicted, all of the teams catch up and linger in the town square and play with a stray dog. And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for….SUNRISE! The chasqui struts into town atop his steed, he knows he rules this group of clue thirsty Americans. All of the teams make a mad dash for him. I hope they don’t spook his horse and it takes off down a hill and topples over killing him, because if that happened it’d be strikingly similar to an episode of Murder She Wrote. (I can only watch Murder She Wrote when Berry is at the air hog tournaments. He gets anxious when Jessica Fletcher starts deducing.) Teams bombard the chasqui and rip clues from his hand, their hands, it’s mass hysteria!

DETOUR!! Boil my Water or Light my Fire! Sexy! Boil My Water: Visit one of three remote villages and provide them with a means of cooking. They have to assemble a basic solar kitchen using only the picture on the side of the box. Position the solar panel in direct sunlight, place a tea kettle on the dish and wait for that sucker boil baby!! Seems like they could just put a tea kettle on the ground. It looks freaking hot there!

Light My Fire: Teams must gather wood and clay by the river bank, load it onto a sad donkey and transport it one mile to a pottery workshop. Once they’ve delivered the goods, they will receive their next clue. That one seems way too easy. Oh wait! There is a donkey involved. Hahaha people always freak out with animals on this show.

“Pooh, if I die from exhaustion on The Amazing Race, will you tell Owl I always loved him?
Nevermind, no one cares.”

Boy Guns are mad at Reality again for yanking their clue. Things are getting tense! Boy Guns are gonna show what they are made of! Man meat! Seems like most teams are choosing Boil My Water. And it looks like most teams are already at one of the three isolated villages. I thought it was isolated, as in, possibly hard to find? Possibly far away? Possibly a reason you might not choose that challenge because you might get lost? Nope. Team Clown unloads their solar panel and don’t see the picture on the side of their box. Sweet Drama!

Bopper and Barfer are a little behind, but not as far behind as Reality who are now following them. Boy Guns was right, they do follow people a lot. Cut to Reality’s car and Rachel says, “We’re following Kentucky.” First of all that’s a bad idea anyways, secondly as the audience we over hear Bopper saying, “We are going to put a noose around their necks!” Oh, so that’s why Ernest went to jail! But seriously, a noose? Maybe if you’re super hillbilly you shouldn’t talk about hanging people, it’s like he has a book of stereotypes. If he doesn’t mention “chitlins” at least three times this episode….I owe Berry $5. Berry’s also betting that he’ll say the following at some point before his elimination: pig’s feet, shotgun and “will rise again.”

Team Daisy Dukes look especially aerobics-instructory this leg. Kerri says that Stacy is really good at assembling things. Team GTFO is trying to out-assemble Daisy Dukes. They don’t think they know how to build anything. Just because they are dressed in hot pink doesn’t mean they don’t got no brains! “Team GTFO has got to GTFO! They are pissing me and my feminist sisters off!” – Berry

Blowup is having minor complications assembling their Boil My Water, Dave needs to work solo and can’t handle Rachel’s attempts to help. You guys are supposed to be reconciling your marriage! Shouldn’t you at least try and work together?

Back at the Clown Grounds Mr. and Mrs. Clown mess around with their solar pieces. “Being clowns, we use laughter as an approach to everything.” Then they hilariously say that they are going to peek at another teams panel to see how it goes together. So how does laughter equal cheating? Confusing Clown!

Bopper and Barfer are talking about legos and skills and stuff and what? Seriously, we don’t know what these guys are saying. They could have just said all the things we bet that they would say and we wouldn’t even know. These guys should be subtitled constantly.

Reality Rachel is starting to get whiney and tired and do her signature reality show breakdown. “I’m sorry I’m just a girl!” You are just a girl. That’s all you are. Nothing else but an immature human female. No other qualities to mention. If this was Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump would fire her for saying that because she is selling herself short and therefore quitting. Or maybe Berry and I just don’t understand her plight because we didn’t watch her on Big Brother. Nah, she’s lame.

Boy Guns are really far behind. They’re still driving around looking for the challenge. Girl Guns pretend to be school teachers, “Argentina is hotter than my classroom is in June!” Boy Guns finally get to the river bank and start collecting sticks and stones and things that can break illegal immigrant’s bones.

Bopper and Barfer seem to have it done, but there was a camera shot of a ton of screws that they didn’t seem to use. Hmm? Wonder how that will play out.

Team GTFO is bleeding but he doesn’t care because he’s from New York where blood doesn’t matter. I didn’t realize that New York, as a whole, felt so strongly about being indifferent to blood. They can’t figure out their dish so they go to look at Daisy Dukes’. And the girls are more than helpful explaining exactly how to get it right. Oh man. Boys be cheating and girls be too nice to know it!

“Gym, Tan, Laundry, Bleed Out.”

Team Clowns go to peek at Blowup’s dish and they discover that there is a picture on the side of the box. You clowns gotta use your brains! And not just the prop ones you juggle and carry in your giant pants pockets.

Some pots are boiling! Specifically Bopper and Barfers! I guess those screws didn’t matter. You never know on this show. Now teams must proceed by bus to the Mercado de Hacienda de Liniers in Buenos Aires to find their next clue. Bopper and Barfer drive off speaking country so we’re not sure exactly what they’re saying but it has something to do with “taymewurk baby!”

Boy Guns are done next! I knew that donkey one was the way to go!! Blowup’s kettle blows up, they’re off third. Bop & Barf drive by the other teams and yell, “Give ‘em a toot. GETTER DONE!” Aw man, we should have put that on the list of things they will say!

Now all the teams are heading out. The “Teachers” are in last place, which is torture for them, “like having to go back to the school after the summer break which we have.” Bopper and Barfer, Boy Guns, Blowup, and Reality are on the first bus. They are about to go on an 18 hour trip. Holy Smokes, I would NOT want to spend 18 hours on a bus with Bopper. Or Barfer for that matter! He’s gonna barf! The second bus leaves with Team Second Chance and almost everyone else. Last bus to depart contains Daisy Dukes and Girl Guns. We are not sure exactly how spaced out the buses were but it doesn’t seem like far.

Everyone sleeps on the bus. So quiet and peaceful and then BAM! The second bus has an accident! The window blew out, glass was everywhere. No one is asking why or how the window got blown out. They stop for a while to try and fix the window. While they are stopped the Girl Bus passes them. Team GTFO says, “Just our luck that this happens.” Actually you should probably have some sort of wretched STD and be incapable of standing up straight or be able to leave the country so, seems like you have pretty good luck.

Bus 1 arrives in Buenos Aires. Teams jump in cabs to the mercado. Girl Bus (3rd bus to leave) arrives.

ROADBLOCK! Where’s the Beef?! Blowup arrives first! Of course! Now they have to calculate cattle. Teams must count the cattle at an auction and guess the weight or something? Damn, I don’t even know what Phil just said! Seems hard. Good thing they showed me a picture:

Gary Larson is losing his flare.

Blowup Dave is confident that his wife CAN AND WILL do this SIR! Boy Guns, Reality and Bop & Barf are on the scene. Blowup Rachel got her first try wrong. She teams up with Boy Guns. Reality tries to weasel in and follow them but they are on to her. Barfer says he works in a cattle yard so he’s used to working with numbers then Bopper says something unintelligible.

Reality Rachel says that she doesn’t know anything about cows “except they taste good in steak.” They do add that extra touch to steak. Berry is furious at how proud she is of being ignorant.

Barfer finishes. But he’s wrong. Blowup and Boy Guns are actually done! They are making their way by taxi to the next pit stop at El Gomero. It’s 200 year old rubber tree. Duh!

Reality Rachel is freaking out. She is crying and making terrible faces. Oh boy. In their cab, Boy Guns say that they were not about to help Reality Rachel because she doesn’t reciprocate the help.

Barfer and Reality Rachel start working together. (Spin-off?) They get it pretty quick when they work together. Actually I think Barfer just gave her the answer. Rachel whines, “You know I’m not smart as you.” Nope you’re not smart as anyone. Reality’s taxi left them and Rachel can’t handle it. She is whining and crying and DRIVING US NUTS!

“Shut up! Your boy mouth is too smart for my girl ears. You have hair on your face. You’re gross. I’m just a girl.”

Brendon is trying to console her but she’s got to do her reality break down thang. “I’m sorry I can’t do things under pressure!” So why exactly did you think The Amazing Race would be a good idea? They probably got some deal from CBS or something. Lame. And she’s allegedly an Event Hostess and she can’t handle pressure? Weird. He apologizes to her for her freak out, then she “Jim Halperts” the camera.

DON’T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO ITS EYES!

Meanwhile across town, in a more peaceful place, Phil points. He stands beside a guy wearing a futbol jersey. The two of them stand and admire the first team to approach. Which is Blowup. “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION SOLDIER…WIFE!” They win a trip to Mount Cinnamon. Yum, sounds delicious! I wish Berry would take me on more delicious vacations. Our last big trip was to Tapioca Lake. It was disgusting. Boy Guns get in second. They are really bummed. Phil is surprised that they are so upset considering……they got in second. Maybe someday Phil and the futbol jerseyed man will share in a friendship such as Boy Guns. Where they push each other to their physical and emotional limits with the promise of one day consummating their friendship under a pomegranate tree.

Elliot knows how to find his light.

Bopper and Barfer check in 3rd. Well hoot to toot a tootle! Or something. The final bus arrives and these guys smell elimination in the air! Reality gets to Phil 4th. Good thing I had to watch her meltdown like a two year old on a pixy stix bender only to find out she’ll be able to do it next week as well.

Back at the cattle pens, Stacy from Daisy Dukes does her calculations pretty quick. She attributes it to helping her kids with math homework. Girl Guns gets it quickly as well because they “teach math.” They check in with Phil 5th and 6th.

“I know where the beef is. But I don’t wanna tell. “

Team Clowns are covering up some serious problems. So THAT’S why they dress up in makeup and costumes. To hide the pain! Oh man, it all makes sense now! All the teams left are bad at math and the GTFO doesn’t know what a cow is. “Cuz in New York, cows don’t matter.” Second Chance gets it right and are off. They check in 7th.

“Whoa, I just got inspired to write a kick ass rock and roll song about this cow patch.”

GTFO and TwinBros team up and get it right. They actively don’t help Mr. Clown, leaving them in the dust. Mrs. Clown is trying to hold it together. She knows her clown husband is bad at math, but why do you need math when you’re pulling coins out from sick kids’ ears? She is in hysterics. She mumbles something about how Mr. Clown “means well.” Uh, yeah. No one was questioning his ethics, we’re just unimpressed with his math skills and career choice. She’s unraveling.

Witness a panic stricken she-clown at her most insane.

GTFO greets Phil 8th. And TwinBros are 9th. The brothers both fly to the mat. The soccer one does an impressive spin landing. Turns out he knows the futbol jersey guy on the mat with Phil. He probably did that spin to show off his moves.

Phil prayed for a sexy musician to fall from heaven. And Phil gets what Phil wants.

Team Clowns get it right FINALLY. But they are last and they get eliminated. While wearing their clown noses. Phil was so bored with their “we did our best” speech. It was such an uncomfortable sign-off I got chills! Fare thee well married clowns! Let us be fortunate enough to never cross paths with doth again!

Next week on the most amazing of races: harps and watermelons and tons of fighting. What a coincidence! That’s what Berry and I have penciled in on the calendar for next Sunday too! xofranberry