The Amazing Race Recap: Thar She Barfs!

Hey everyone! Fran here! Berry is here too, he just downed a gallon of milk, no one even dared him. He just did it. Maybe he’s having sympathy pregnancy hunger or it could be that he’s lacto-loading for this gripping episode of AR. BERRY, WIPE THAT MILK OUT OF YOUR BEARD, PHIL IS TALKING!!

Phil: “Who will be eliminated next?!” After the intro Phil sets the scene, “This is Bavaria, raking as one of the most scenic places in……..central Europe.” Central Europe? I thought he was going to say something impressive like: THE WHOLE WORLD! Of course Bavaria is one of the most scenic places in central Europe, it IS central Europe. It’s like saying: “Our neighbors’ above ground pool has been ranked the best pool in their yard.” While that’s true it seems a bit obvious.

Boy Guns do their obligatory Travelocity shout-out by reviewing their prize trip online. And they are the first to set out on this leg. “Fly to the land of fire, to Baku, Azerbaijan.” The land of fire! Wow, sounds like a Kraken could live there. They have to go to Temple Ateshgah (the temple of fire) where they’ll find their next clue. Boy Guns are acting pretty cocky. But saying they’re not cocky because they could be humbled at any minute. Way to have it both ways guys! Then they tease GTFO for looking 80′s retro, but GTFO just seems to be wearing Columbia jackets. And some shitty Urban Outfitters glasses.

“These are my first place glasses. But my prescription is really old.”

Team Second Chance are still racing. And Ralph is wearing the same jacket as GTFO. How Super 80′s Retro of him. Team Blowup is off and away, they think they are the team to beat. Because they are in fourth place or because he’s emotionally abusive to her? Either way, they think they have an advantage. Team Reality leaves, goes straight to a travel agency and books tickets. Bopper & Barfer are off next. They are also sporting the same retro Columbia jackets. Is Columbia an unofficial sponsor for AR? Me thinks it might be. Bopper & Barfer are having a really hard time reading the clue which is not surprising because it contains a lot of letters that are placed together to make up words.

Girl Guns are excited to go to Azerbaijan, it’s almost as if they’d heard of it before. They remind us that they lied to the other teams about their profession to get an edge on the competition. The fact that we are being reminded about this makes me think it will play into the episode some how. I can only hope it does because it’s been a dead-end plot line thus far.

Boy Guns books their flight. They have a long time to wait. People will for sure catch up to them.

GTFO argues amongst themselves about who they can talk to while racing. One of them said “Hi” to another team and the other one thought it was inappropriate to say “Hi” to your competition. Pan back to see Second Chance Vanessa standing next to them being ignored.

All of the teams end up on the same plane to Baku via Istanbul. Berry proposed to me in Istanbul. Well, he proposed that we stock up on Turkish Delight while we had our pick of the good flavors. I accepted. I didn’t want to get stuck with five boxes of “rose” flavored candy. The plane lands and it’s a footrace to cabs then a cab race to The Temple of Fire! Which probably doesn’t open until the morning? Ah nevermind, it’s a freakin’ temple of fire, they have got to be open for late night fire worshipping. Blowup gets there first. And although there are people jamming out to some fire beats and other people dancing around the fire the temple is indeed closed. “Open at Sunrise.” So Blowup joins in the fire dancing just for the hell of it.

“Ball so hard muthaf*cers wanna fine me. That sh*t cray. That sh*t cray!”

All the teams catch up and join the party. Someone says “Hoedown!” which signals Bopper to start screaming! Berry wonders if these people typically dance all night or if they were asked to be there so there wasn’t any more footage of them sleeping out front of things. Sunrise comes and teams grab their clues. Thar a Fast Forward Blows! The Fast Forward is: Unload and Stack Hay! (They must make their way to a roadside hay market and unload 150 bails of hay and stack them the right way.) Blowup and GTFO go straight to the Fast Forward. The other teams don’t bother and go on to the next spot.

Blowup races to the Fast Forward grounds as Dave thinks they can accomplish the task, “AS LONG AS WE CAN WORK AS A TEAM!” He punctuates it with an EVIL EYE stare to Rachel. They get there a hair before GTFO. Dave jumps up on the truck and starts pushing bails of hay down. Making his wife do all the heavy stacking. Good team work.

Meanwhile, the other teams engage in a high speed car chase. And it looks like Barfer has found himself in the backseat. Bopper, “Hope ya don’t get too loosey with it r we gonna have a stuff a spewin’.” And by that he means:

BARFER BARFS!!!! DRINK!!!!!!!!

Blowup Dave is being a dong, he is just dumping bails of hay on top of Rachel and her beautiful stacks. You know he’s going to blame her for lack of support if they fail. She begs for his help and he tells her to just stick with it.

Teams get to the Occupational Training Institute. They have to search the grounds for their next clue. Bopper & Barfer get it first. Roadblock: What goes up must come down! (It’s the other way around for Barfer.)

Teams must take on their “primal fear.” An evening with Richard Gere? No, a helicopter ditch rescue training exercise. They will be strapped into a helicopter mockup, get submerged in water, get capsized then have to push out the window and swim out. SCARY! That IS my primal fear! The trick with Roadblock clues is to do the opposite of what you think. “What goes up must come down” sounds like a heights thing, but it’s actually a water thing. Tricky AR!! Preying on people’s primal fears. Emmy winning primal fear capturing is what they are all about.

And the winner of the Fast Forward by an editor’s hair is…………..Blowup! I hope Blowup Dave realizes that Rachel did ALL of the work. GTFO is pissed and GettingTFOver to the helicopter thing.

Over at the helicopter thing: JJ, Jamie and Bopper get geared up and dive into the mock helicopter. On the side lines Barfer confesses to Nary that Bopper has a crush on Jamie. Creeeeeeeepy!

“………..it’s as bad as the rash he has on his bopper. ‘Kentucky pimples’ is what we call it.”

The simulator starts going and I’m terrified, Fran is freaking out people!!! Berry’s into it, he’s googling how to get one of those in our neighbor’s above ground pool. It’s scaring the hell out of me but the guys seem to do it without too much difficulty. They swim to a life raft and get their next clue. Teams must now find the Toghrul Karabakh Carpet Shop in Old Town Baku. Once there they will find their next clue.

Blowup is fast forwarding straight to the pit stop. Dave says, “I can smell Phil’s cologne already.” I wish he had gone on to describe it. From what we remember Phil’s odor is man musk mixed with delicious roasting coffee, a hint of amaretto and an African sunrise. Blowup runs up to Phil and checks in first. They’ve each won a Ford Focus. Phil tells us that the car is so great because it’s been “redesigned to look as good as it performs.” Beautifully regurgitated from the brochure, Phil. Blowup is screaming and hugging and you can tell Phil is irritated that they are not letting him get through his mandatory Ford spiel.

“I love you even more when you’re in a different car driving in a different direction.”

Back at my primal fear helicopter thing: Reality Brendon is taking his turn while Second Chance Vanessa suits up. Vanessa is really scared. She is scared of small spaces, being underwater, yellow jumpsuits and Richard Gere references.

Ah, dammit! I thought you said we were going to Old Town BUFFET.

Detour: Apples or Oil. In Apples, teams must search a car full of apples (like packed full) and find one apple that’s marked with a race flag. In Oil, teams make their way to a health center and clean up a pervert, I’m sorry, a “client” who is soaked in crude oil. They have to use a metal shoehorn, water and sponges. How crude!

“Once teams get their next clue, they are advised to run like hell and not look back!”

Most of the teams like the idea of Oil. Girl Guns isn’t feeling Oil and goes to Apple. In the cab over to the health center Barfer has to sit in the back seat and……BARFER BARFS!!! DRINK DRINK DRINk!!

GTFO Joey Fitness is doing the underwater helicopter escape. He was a lifeguard, of course, so he’s cool with water.

Second Chance is at the carpet shop and they CANNOT see the clues even though it’s painfully obvious. They’re not even hidden! They are propped up on top of carpets! Maybe Second Chance is color blind. They should go with that story, it might make them more likable.

Over at the health center, Boy Guns are freaking out about their “client” and freaking out even more about the crude oil coming out of the bathtub faucet. They are so confused and vocal about it. The “client” doesn’t seem to mind their concerns, he is smiling and loving it. What a treat for him to get rubbed down by two American Border Patrol Agents. Most foreigners don’t get that pleasure.

Girl Guns is pulling the apples out of the car at a snail’s pace. I’m going to fall asleep. It’s like they are inspecting them for invisible parasites. They should be yelling things like, “WE’RE USED TO HANDLING APPLES ON ACCOUNT OF US BEING TEACHERS AND ALL!!!”

Bopper says, “Itbehardto get me in that tub letta lon gon me don!” Which might mean something like, “I’m going to tickle this guy and be weird to him because I have a bad crush on him.”

Second Chance finally finally sees the clues sticking out of the carpets and they choose Apple.

Boy Guns are encouraging one and other to really get in their “client’s” junk and clean him up good. JJ yells, “I’m in his thighs Art, what do you want from me?!” How can homoeroticism be so rough yet so squeamish? Boy Guns finishes and their “client” is super sad that his treatment is done.

“That’ll do pigs.”

Boy Guns jump in their cab. They chat about their most recent memory, “You want a million dollars, scrub a man’s junk!” Hmm, I scrub Berry’s junk all the time and I don’t have a million dollars! Although, I don’t scrub his junk for pleasure, I scrub his junk to prevent black mold. Boy Guns are on their way to the pit stop at Esplanade Estakada. They arrive and check in as team 2.

These folks don’t look like they eat apples OR use the rejuvenating properties of oil.

Girl Guns gets their precious apple and are on their way. Second Chance Vanessa is overwhelmed by the apples and has a flashback to the watermelon challenge where they struggled immensely.

Bopper and Barfer hit the mat as team 3. Followed by Reality as team 4. Then Girl Guns are 5 and they are really disappointed! I guess they thought since they didn’t see any other teams that it was safe to assume they were in first place. As federal agents they probably know it’s a good idea to make assumptions.

“Cheese and Crackers!” This is Second Chance’s new catchphrase. They’ve said it three times in mere moments. It may have worked for them though because they find their apple and they head to Phil. GTFO just arrives at Apple. But not so fast! This thing isn’t over yet! Second Chance’s cab driver is asking around to see where the pit stop is. Geez! How can you NOT know where Esplanade Estakada is?!?!?! GTFO gets their apple. They might still be in this? Cheese and Crackers! It’s anyone’s game!

Phil points. And it’s………..Second Chance coming in as team 6. “Cheese and Crackers!” Stop saying that!

GTFO checks in last and their asses are PHILIMINATED! They are good sports. Montage of all that they’ve done including seeing a cow for the first time. Then they club promote as their sign off. And the sun sets on GTFO.

“Can we get some drink bracelets for the flight home?”

Next week: Zebras! Plus Vanessa and Reality Rachel exchange beauty tips, “Honey, get your nose done before you get your boobs done, do everybody a favor.” Will Rachel get redesigned to look as good as she performs? Well probably not, consumer reports doesn’t think she performs well enough to make it worth anyone’s while. See you next week!!! xofranberry