Hey race fans! Fran in the house! Don’t worry, Berry’s here too. Baby update: We just got back from a doctor visit to see how the little franberry is doing. They said they can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl yet because apparently my amniotic fluid is not so much fluid as it is a pudding consistency. Probably due to all the pudding I’ve been eating. But we don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl as long as it’s a healthy American that we can name Phil.
“I looked into the camera, can we take it again?”
We start this amazing leg in Asuncion, Paraguay. Boy Guns start out first at 5:10pm and find out they’re flying six thousand miles to Turin, Italy. In case you didn’t know, it’s Italy’s motor city. (I wonder what the Italian equivalent to a Ford is?) Once they land they choose a Ford Focus. (I guess the Italian equivalent of a Ford, is a Ford. No surprise on this show.) Then they drive themselves to this building. And by “this building” Phil means the Lingotto Building, which looks like a docking bay on Cloud CIty. Wow, can you imagine The Amazing Race in the Star Wars Galaxy? That would be a fun video game. Did someone make that yet? I wouldn’t know because I don’t play video games. I tried to play Crash Bandicoot once but threw up from all the motion. Berry plays video games, but he only likes his fishing CDrom.
Boy Guns heads to the travel agency and says that no one has the strength or intellect that they do to win. They are so sure of themselves. We are not hating on them, but we’re not in love with them either. But that’s how Berry feels about most men of a certain age. The best flight they can get is arriving at 10:35 am the next day. “It’s gonna be a mad scramble to Italy!” Yup, everyone is gonna catch up with you.
That Taxi has an a-hole.
Team Reality leaves next. They are planning their wedding and are trying to get a preview of their honeymoon on this race. Poor Brendon. Your honeymoon is going to be a lot of shrieking, whining, crying and pouting. Good luck with that!
Team GTFO is next. In the cab they discuss important issues, like how Paraguayan girls are hot. They’re still on this show!?!?!
Bopper and Barfer head out forth. Bopper is very excited to go to Italy, “we’re going somewhere tropical.” Hmm. I don’t remember Italy being so tropical. Maybe he’s thinking of Hawaii. No, he’s probably not thinking. He’s running the race to win the money because his daughter is very sick and is on seven sorts of respiratory medicine. That’s so sweet! But maybe she should stop working in the mines. They head off to the airport.
Girl Guns is on their way. They make a big deal to say, “do we need to go to the travel agency or the airport?” “The TRAVEL AGENCY.”
Barfer hangs out of his cab window and gawks at the girls wandering the streets at 10pm. “We are not in Kentucky no more Toto.” No, no you’re not. But by all means, continue to act like you are. While you’re hanging out the window give us a little barf! We’ve been waiting for it!
“Yo Bopper, check out ta adam’s apple on thet there hottie.”
Blowup and Daisy Dukes make their way to the travel agency. They are all getting on the same flight that gets into Turin at 10:35am. Girl Guns tells everyone that Bopper and Barfer went straight to the airport. Cut to the airport where they arrive and get all chummy with Boy Guns. Boy Guns finds out that they don’t have tickets and send them back to the travel agency. Bop & Barf are a little thrown off, but they figure it out. They go to a different travel agency and book a different flight that gets in an hour and fifteen minutes after the other flight. Bopper does a dance to a song he wrote called, “We goin’ Itlee, we goin’ itlee.”
Second Chance is greatful for their second chance. That they didn’t get eliminated last week. At the travel agency, Second Chance Vanessa is making fun of Reality Rachel’s sequence skirt. But I mean, we are going to make fun of it too because it’s ridiculous. This girl dresses like Punky Brewster and a leprechaun’s love child, in a bad way!
All the teams are at the airport. Maxing out, relaxing. Then GTFO points out to Bop & Barf that they’re on a different flight. Aw crap! They scramble around trying to get on the flight standby but no dice. The plane leaves with all the teams and Bop & Barf are left in Paraguay for another hour. Anything can happen!
Later in Italy. The first plane lands and teams make a mad dash to the parking garage that’s housing all the beautiful new Ford Focuses. They all drive off in different directions and are quickly confused by the Italian road ways. Team Reality is having a particularly hard time. Rachel, “Are we in the wrong lane? You’re cutting off a lot of traffic. Now I know why Italians hate Americans. We’re idiots.” Good thing Reality Rachel is there to keep up appearances.
Can you spot the subtle product placement?
Blowup Dave is testy today. Super testy. He’s being an ass to wife Rachel. She isn’t into his attitude so she pulls over and let’s him drive that fine piece of machinery. Daisy Dukes got a bad start and lost everybody. But they look super cute in purple!
Teams arrive at Cloud City and start running up a circular parking garage. Boy Guns get to the top first and see that there is a Fast Forward. Phil explains that a Fast Forward gives teams the chance to skip straight to the pit stop. This Fast Forward requires teams to land a helicopter, on a building. However the helicopter is a toy and the building is a model on a hat. So you have to land an air hog on your partner’s head. Berry is so good at this! We do this all the time for fun. The first few times I got some minor face wounds but they’ve healed into healthy mysterious facial scars.
Star Trek USS Enterprise cosplay.
Only one team can win the Fast Forward. Boy Guns goes after it. Which means the other teams have to do the Road Block which is rappelling down the center of the building that they just ran up. They have to grab the clue that’s dangling and then reach the ground in less than two minutes. If they go over two minutes, they have to start over.
Boy Guns is disappointed when they find out they’ve been tricked and the helicopter is a toy. But one of them yells, “That’s all you you freaking monkey!” Which is what I’ve been saying to the baby when I feel it kick!
Reality Rachel is rappelling her brains out. She does it in a jiffy. GTFO is right behind them. They both go to the next spot: The Museo Nazionale Dell’ Automobile. Once they get there they have to earn their potential million dollars by demonstrating the new automatic parking feature on the Ford Focus. (So clever to work that in like that. Sorry people who went to college for marketing, but the only way I’m gonna like one of those cars is if you give it to me for free. Deal with it.) Once flawlessly parked, they have to go in the museum and search for the 1916 Tin Lizzie. A great, great auntie of the Ford Focus.
Daisy Dukes are still trying to find Cloud City. Kerri is panicking a little, “On the inside I’m pukin’, on the ouside I’m still tryin’ to be cutesy.” And she is succeeding!
Even Prince is like, “Honey, that outfit is TOO MUCH.”
Bopper and Barfer “hit the boot.” Which is what I assume they call “landing in Italy,” but they may not know it’s shaped like a boot so strike that. Also, the way Barfer says “hour” is like “ayre” or something so weird my brain is going to explode. Anyway, they are happy to be in Italy even though they are happy to say they don’t speak any Italian.
Oh great, the clue box crapped all over the seat!
Team Blowup is all blowing up. Dave really wants to do the Fast Forward because he knows how to fly helicopters. Rachel is trying to convince him that another team has already done it. He keeps telling her that he flies helicopters so he could “potentially be successful at that.” But she is already harnessed in. He mopes down the ramp to meet her. With arms NOT wide open. He has got a bug up his anus today.
Second Chance Vanessa is not rappelling so good. Girl Guns Jamie catches up to her, but she too is going pretty slowly and cautiously for a federal agent. I think it’s time they drop the schoolmarm act and start kicking ass!!! I really hope they just let their hair down and start being awesome. Something tells me they won’t, but here’s hoping!
Blowup Dave is telling the camera about how pissed he is at Rachel. “We are having a bit of marital personality conflict going on. I hope she changes her demeanor otherwise this will be an extremely long leg, if not race.” He hope she changes her demeanor? Oh we get it. He hopes she changes her demeanor to be submissive to him. Geeze, are you sure this guy was in Iraq for just one year? Seems like he hasn’t interacted with a woman in his whole life.
Second Chance Vanessa didn’t meet the time requirement so she has to do it again. Same with Girl Gun Jamie! Aw man! You’re a federal agent and you don’t know how to rappel!? Quit playing and go Charlie’s Angels on this thing! Oh great, I bet we find out that they are federal agent secretaries or work in human resources or something. Lame!
Blowup Rachel blows those other ladies out of the water and Blowup heads to the Museo Dell’ Cars. Cut to Team Reality arriving there. Everything seems okay with Team Reality until they try and use the auto park system. Reality Rachel is getting up in Brendon’s grill while he’s trying to work the damn thing. There is a lot of “don’t talk to me that way” happening now.
GTFO does a demo perfectly so that the Ford people can happily fund the show. They park and get in the museo first.
Wow, look at all the trunk space….
NOW GIVE US A FREE CAR, DAMNIT!!!
Back to Reality Rachel flipping out and says she hates him, slams the door, and storms off to the museo. He follows her appoligizing. She is dressed like a homeless person on the bus yelling, “you’re not normal, it’s not normal!” This girl has got serious issues. Then she says something about how this is not worth a million dollars. Good! Quit right now so we can enjoy this show!!
Remember Boy Guns? Well, they are freaking out with that toy helicopter. And just below them Second Chance Vanessa and Girl Guns Jamie get the hang of rappelling and get their clue. Second Chance Ralph goes in to kiss Vanessa and she’s all, “Back off! You know how much that nose cost?!” She has a fake nose. She’s right, she is a great role model for Ralph’s tween daughter. Ralph hopes that Boy Guns doesn’t finish the Fast Forward just as they cut to them finishing. It’s off to the pit stop for Boy Guns!
Daisy Dukes finally make it to Cloud City while Bop & Barf poorly navigate the city streets.
In the Museo, Reality Rachel continues to battle her lover Brendon. She threatens him with coming in last place because he has no right to talk to her like that. Maybe they edited out the part where he was being horrible to her, because it seems like she sorta flipped out over nothing and won’t let it go. Berry and I didn’t watch Big Brother so we missed her back story. Maybe she just got back from Iraq also.
Blowup, Second Chance and Girl Guns all get to the Museo. As they pull up they see hundreds of people dressed as Santa Claus in the streets! Fun. Wish the Santa Pub Crawl was their roadblock!
Hot Santa on Santa action!
Daisy Duke Stacey rappels, even though she’s the one who is afraid of heights. She sky dove and rappelled so far. She’s conquering her fears. They head to the Car Museo.
Reality finds the Hot Tin Lizzie and get their clue box. Inside the box is a 2 cent euro. They have to figure out that the building on the coin is the Mole Antonelianna, then they have to go there and go to the top to find their next clue. Reality Brendon thinks they need to put the euro into something to release their next clue. Brendon goes on to tell us that he has his BS in general physics, his masters in applied physics and his PhD in bio-medical physics. Maybe you shouldn’t brag about how smart you are and then try and jam a euro into a vintage car. And another thing, if you’re that smart why are you trying to marry a drama queen “event hostess”? Well, maybe if he’s a scientist his ultimate discovery will be how to cure being a raving bitch. By the way, I’m pretty sure Rachel just said, “what the hell does a 2 cent euro mean?” I’m done with her.
It’s hard to believe she’s even less pretty on the inside.
Blowup, Second Chance and Girl Guns get the euro and figure out pretty quickly to go to the building. Blowup gets directions from the Santas. But Dave isn’t following the directions as closely as he thinks he is. Blowup Rachel tries to tell him he’s going the wrong way and his response is, “Do you want to be supportive? Or do you want to continue to be the way you’ve been the whole way.” He wants her to be supportive of him being too much of a hot head to realize that he didn’t remember the directions correctly? This guy needs therapy.
Reality is fighting back at their Ford Focus. “Ford Focus, the perfect car to fight beside!” I could be on the advertising team! “Whether you’re inside its spacious interior or standing beside its automatic locking doors, Ford Focus makes the moment right for a full out brawl between you and your mentally ill significant other!” I expect a paycheck from Ford to come soon! I heard baby diapers cost money.
Back to the show. Brendon wants to make up with Rachel before they move on. “I don’t want to fight. Do you want to continue racing or stop right here and call it quits?” Her response: “Why would I want to call it quits, Brendon?” Well, maybe because you already tried to quit twice in the last five minutes. She goes on to say: “You say that about everything, you’re going to say that about your PhD!” What? Then she says that she wants to break off the marriage or something. This girl can’t control what she says, she just blabs horrible things that you’re not supposed to say to people you love. I might have to press mute when they are on from now on. That won’t help the fact that I hate her face.
And her hat. And her spandex hypercolor shirt. And her soul.
Daisy Dukes active park at the museo. Over at Cloud City, Bopper has started his literal and metaphorical descent to the bottom. He gets down there pretty quick and they are off.
Meanwhile, Boy Guns check in with Phil at the pit stop. They, of course, are team number one and they both win $5,000. Sweet! Now they can treat themselves to the lover’s spa special when they take their Atlantis trip.
GTFO gets to Mole Antonelianna first and start their long elevator ride to the top. Hopefully it’s not too long or else that elevator operator might get date raped. They grab their clue and head to the DETOUR! Clean that Statue or Name that Salami! Clean that statue is self-explanatory. You clean a statue. Name that salami involves tasting 14 different salamis, going a half a mile to a market and then identifying them. GTFO choses clean that statue because salami is not their thing. [Insert your own sex joke.] Blowup makes the same choice because Dave says: “That’s too much meat for us to handle.” [Insert your own sex joke here.] Girl Guns & Second Chance are also going to clean the statue. Second Chance Vanessa says, “I haven’t had that much salami since high school.” Looks like she inserted her own sex joke. She’s also really racking up those tween role model points.
Woman Wishing She Had Mustard On Her Hotdog, 3rd Century B.C.
Back to the epic drama that Big Brother spewed onto my Sunday nights, Team Reality is still fighting and crying and hobbling around Italy. They cross paths with Second Chance who predicts that they will eat the salami. And Vanessa is right! Reality is ready to eat some hard meat. Maybe it will help them relax and appreciate all that they have. Or not.
Daisy Dukes get their euro and Bop & Barf catch up to them! It’s anybody’s game!
Blowup, Second Chance and GTFO suit up to clean the statues. Blowup Rachel starts pressure cleaning the lady statue and her head is all wobbly! Then Second Chance Ralph straight up knocks her head off. I guess they’re not real statues. They are not real women either because they are letting GTFO scrub their butt. GTFO makes jokes about how they have been with dirty girls. Blowup is starting to blowup. Girl Guns knock the head off of theirs too. Someone thought it would be hilarious to have all the heads fall off. Blowup finishes first. They will now make their way to Piazza Castello to meet up with Phil at the pit stop, where one team MAY be eliminated. So, I think that means no one is going to get the “boot on the boot” today. They haven’t had a non-elimination round yet. GTFO and Second Chance head to Phil.
Classical Italian Pez.
Reality has failed their first few attempts of salami identifying. Steam is starting to come out of Rachel’s ears.
Blowup is team 2. Dave says that this leg was a complete and utter failure from his vantage point, their communication was lacking and they can only improve from this point forward. I hope so, for Rachel’s sake!
Daisy Dukes arrive at the Gastronomia to get their salami on! They are not sure what to say to the salami clerk so they say, “we need to taste your salami.” They are embarrassed that they said that. Naturally that is the quote that is the official title of the show. Oh, CBS, you’re so filthy! Ford Focus cash has made you go crass!
Reality is cracking. AGAIN. She is threatening to jump in front of a moving car. “Amazing Race is supposed to be fun! I’m not on Big Brother again!” Her and Blowup Dave need to see a therapist and get medicated, quick!
GTFO arrive to Phil 3rd. Second Chance is 4th. Girl Guns is 5th.
Reality finally finishes their sausage sob fest and gets to Phil 6th. They hit the mat and Rachel screams, “DiGiorno!” instead of Bonjourno, which would still be wrong since it means “Good Morning.” Phil is not impressed with her. I think we catch a slight eye roll from him.
DiGiorno pizza is not an approved sponsor of this episode!
Team Reality is in a good mood because they are still in the race. Rachel says that sometimes they don’t act like they’re engaged, they act like frienemies. I think calling your potential spouse your frienemy is a sign that it’s a no go. But Brendon thinks his little frienemy is so cute even when she says things like she doesn’t want to marry him, he knows it means it’s just her getting upset. If I were friends or frienemies with Brendon I’d advise him to not go through with this wedding.
Bopper and Barfer breeze through the statue cleaning and we have no idea what they’re talking about. I think they said, “aynd that’s how yu get some scrubbin’ done baybe!” They are on their way to Phil.
Daisy Dukes check in 7th.
Bopper and Barfer are the last team to arrive. Phil reminds us about how Bopper’s daughter is sick. Boy Guns come out of the shadows and offer to share their prize money with him. That’s pretty darn sweet. “However,” Phil chimes in, “this is a non-elimination round.” Well hot damn ding a derndo gribble pordda howie! They’re still in the race. Amazing. The most Amazing Race. Boy Guns is now wondering how they can get their money back.
See you next week when they manscape and yodel and make everyone super uncomfortable!
“Think I’ll slip on down to the O-ASIS!
Oh, I’ve got friends in low places…”