Hey Fran and Berry here, back in the saddle for week eight of The Amazing Race. Now let’s get going because this saddle is crazy uncomfortable!
Last week as the sun set on AR’s Tanzania leg Team Blowup came in first place and Team Girl Gun came in last, but it was a non-elimination round so the whole episode was a bust!
Team Blowup is the first to leave at 6:03 AM. Phil tells us that teams must now go on safari and descend 1,600 feet into the Ngorongoro Crater. When they emerge they will travel to Safari Junction where they must find Hillary Clinton. Wait, WHAT?! Ohh, they must find a outdoor stand that sells masks called the Hillary Clington Shop. Wait, WHAT?! Those people really love adding random G’s to words, huh?
Ygup, thgey gdo.
Bopper and Barfer leave next and Bopper says he injured his knee on the last leg, but they’ll have to cut it out of him before he quits. But when they do have to cut it out they’ll pickle it and whooo-doggy that’ll be a feast! Barfer says they used to be underdogs at first, but they’ve moved up and now everyone recognizes them as a friend. Um, I think Barfer needs to learn what an underdog is.
Boy Guns leave next at 6:23 AM. They remind us that there is a U-Turn ahead which means DRAMA!! They’ve been strategizing how to use the U-Turn for five or six legs and apparently in Bavaria they decided with Team Blowup that they will all U-Turn Team Reality. Of course they were in Bavaria because they must have been drunk! How in the hell can you decide who to U-Turn five legs in the future! People! You U-Turn the team immediately behind you! That’s the only way it works!
Of course, I say that until I see Team Reality talk. They are leaving next talking about how strong they are and how the other teams can go ahead and “drink their Haterade.” A line so contrived it sounds like she wrote it five legs ago. Or nine years ago when Chapelle’s Show did. Never mind what I said, U-Turn those losers!
Team Second Chance leaves at 7:18 AM as the first few teams drive through the crater during a beautiful sunrise. Bopper tells Barfer, “I’m glad to be doing it with ya, blood.” They fist bump and the camera cuts away, presumably right before Barfer pukes all over him.
Animal Montage! Storks and baboons and gazelles lions and zebras! Bopper says he saw animals he didn’t even know what they was! They was Elephants.
“If Phil gets sick call me, okay? I hosted my brother’s art show, I’m totally ready.”
They all took a pause in the game to appreciate the wildlife. Reality Rachel said, “This is so much better than a zoo.” Um, did they have churros for sale next to the giraffes? No? Then you’re WRONG! They arrive in Karatu, Tanzania and the race is back on to find Hillary Clington! Not suprisingly, she was right past the “Barack Obama” box. Why didn’t Donald Trump look there for his birth certificate! Team Blowup finds her first and it’s a detour!
Water Supply or Air Supply? In Water supply teams must pick up a cartful of plastic containers from a house and wait in line at the well to fill them up, then bring back the full jugs to the homeowner. The lazy, lazy homeowner. In air supply teams must work with a local bike mechanic and fix a tire puncture. When they have done a good job the local kids will give them a thumbs up. If they fail the local kids will give them a very different gesture. Team Blowup and Bopper & Barfer choose Air Supply. Because they’re all out of love, so lost without you. Yes, an Air Supply reference! I have been promising Berry I’d get one of those in here for years! Suck it Berry, Air Supply rules! Team Boy Guns choose Water Supply. Which is not the name of an 80′s band so I couldn’t care less.
Teams are being taught how to fix the tire, which seems pretty simple and fast. Way faster than standing in line for water all afternoon, but we’ll see. Art and JJ grab their water buckets and get to the line. He does the math of how long it takes to fill a bucket and how many people in line and he figured it was going to be 30-40 minutes. Of course that’s assuming there’s no cuts or that some jerk doesn’t have a bunch of water balloons in his pocket. I bet everyone hates that water balloon guy.
Team Reality chooses Air Supply. Because even the nights are better! Now that we’re here together! Even the nights are better since I found youuuuuuu!
Air Supply RULES!!!!! Meanwhile: Team Second Chance is having trouble finding Hillary Clington.
Bopper & Barfer fix up the bike like a Nascar pit stop baby, and are on their way ohhh! They now have to make their way on foot to Jack “Staaayyygffhuuuurft pub” as Barfer says. Which translates to Jack Stelzer pub in non-Kentucky english. Meanwhile Team Blowup has lit their fuse because the patch didn’t take on the bike tire! As usual, this makes them treat each other like garbage. Somehow they finish and leave right as Team Reality arrives, which is a bummer if you like DRAMA! Which I do.
And then alllll the way back at last week’s pit stop Team Girl Guns is leaving. They have their work cut out of them with being last and having a speed-bump to complete, but on the other hand, they’re idiots.
“Get the gun, there’s a reality show trying to break into our home!”
And here comes the DRAMA! Bopper & Barfer make it to the double U-Turn first and they chose to U-Turn….nobody. WHAT?! Come on!!!!! I’m looking for some serious “Shawshank” style drama here and all they’re giving me is Zac Efron in any Zac Efron movie! Step it up! Or at least barf on something!
Bopper & Barfer are now on their way to The Gem Gallery & Arts to search for their next clue. With Team Blowup directly behind them because they didn’t U-Turn anyone!
Then Team Blowup arrives and they decide to U-Turn…nobody! Even though they remember their drunken U-Turn talk in Bavaria. If only Team Blowup could U-Turn each other, then they’d have definitely used it. And it’s a cab race to Gem. Her holograms aren’t with her though, they were all busy performing at Coachella.
Team Second Chance is still lost, both on the race and in life. They have found Air Supply, but don’t have the clue yet. They truly are “Lost in Love,” both the full length album and it’s titular song. WOOO AIR SUPPLY! Coming back from the commercial and Team Second Chance finds Hillary Clington right away. Convenient. They decide to go to Air Supply because they know where it is. In the soft rock section.
Back in the water line Team Boy Guns have made it to the front of the line. They load up their cart and on their way back to the house. Team Blowup is on their way to the Gems and Rachel is reminiscing about being in the crater and seeing bamboons. Yes, she said bamboons. Twice.
So they make it to the Gems first, just in front of Bop & Barf BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T U-TURN THEM and there is a speed-bump for Team Girl Guns. But they just grab their next clue and are on their way to Mto Wa Mbu to find Margaret’s Farm with Bops & Barfs right behind them.
Team Boy Guns drop off the water and they’re off! They make it to the pub and see that nobody’s been U-Turned so they assume nobody has been there yet. Since a smart person would be U-Turning the team behind them! So, they decide to U-Turn Team Reality. Finally, let’s get some DRAMA up in here!
Bop & Barf get their cabbie to pass Team Blowup and he is really into it shouting something unintelligible. Bop & Barf have no idea what he’s saying. See! Now you know how it feels for us all the time!!
Reality leaves next with Second Chance behind them. Boy Guns is going nuts about Blowup Dave honoring his word and U-Turning and blah, blah, blah. It’s drama squared!
“U-Turn Twin Powers: Activate!”
Reality finds out they are U-Turned and return the favor by U-Turning Team Second Chance. It’s called strategy and we understand. So, Second Chance arrives at the pub and has to go do the other detour Team Girl Guns are just arriving at the detour. COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Reality arrives at water supply and the water well line is almost out to the road. Whatever that means. Bops & Barfs get to the cluebox in first place.
Roadblock! Teams must harvest honey from a hive surrounded by thousands of swarming bees. Once they’ve collected 500 grams of honey they’ll be given their next clue. And who is that dapper man that can even make a beekeeper outfit look sexy? I don’t know, but standing next to him is Phil! Hi, Phil!
At the roadblock Bopper says five or six months ago he had knee surgery and his knee was great, but now he’s “down and out in Beverly Hills.” So you say you had knee surgery five months ago and now you’re running around the entire world every day without sleep and it’s hurting you? Weird!
So Barfer is doing the task and he is warned to stay absolutely calm or they will sting. Also, they hate puke. Good luck! Barfer and his bee assistant arrive and they smoke-monster the hell out of those bees and according to Barfer, “is a wildness thing you ever seen in yer lyfe man I’m tellin’ you what I got in dere and I tookatharfg andspraypmed and I was like yeagedunk froshdemt honeycomb. God! And mywhoethraftget demafricaninbees.” Or something like that. I think he might be allergic to bees. Blowup Dave is next and he keeps saying how it’s not bad and he doesn’t mind the pain whatsoever. Sure, have you seen how painful his relationship is? These bees are nothing. Unless they stop stinging and start micromanaging.
Team Reality finishes filling their jugs. Not with silicon this time, but with water. But unfortunately, these jugs spill and water goes everywhere. Then the screaming begins. Oh the terrible screeching. I have muted the TV for own protection, but it looks awful.
Team Girl Guns and Second Chance are waiting in line and commenting on how good we Americans have it with water. Of course, instead of seeing giraffes out my window I see homeless guys pissing at the bus stop. So, there is a trade-off.
Barfer finishes first and they are off on foot to Lake Manyara, the pitstop for this leg of the race and described by Ernest Hemingway as the loveliest lake in Africa. Wow. Then we cut to Phil, standing in grass. In grass?! He says this lakebed is the pitstop. Lake bed? Why tell us how lovely it is if we can’t even see it? Where did the lake go?! This is like when Berry and I searched all day for Circus Maximus in Rome to find out it was just a patch of dirt now. You couldn’t put up a sign? Thanks for the wasted day, Rome. I could have been eating gelato!
How many arms does Barfer have again?
Team Blowup leaves as Art arrives to bee it up. Then the drama begins. Team Boy Guns can’t believe that Blowup didn’t adhere to their drunken agreement five legs ago about U-Turning a team for no good reason. Boy Guns are now loners. They can’t trust anyone. They refuse to share and will never talk to them again. They have gone into race seclusion and their only task is winning, without the help of the outside world. Boy Guns is officially The Amazing Race Batman.
“We applied to be on the Amazing Race, but our passports were expired. “
At the pit stop Bop & Barf are racing Team Blowup to Phil. But Bop’s knee is really hurting. I honestly feel bad for him. He looks like he might not make it. He’s like Mike White’s dad hurt. That’s intense! And the first to make it to Phil and his African Jam band is….
“Guys, can I run the merch table?”
Team Bopper & Barfer for their first win! We really are happy for them. Team Blowup is a close second and Dave is being a sore loser for not getting that fifth first place win. He’s just mad they didn’t win that trip to Hawaii with soothing massages. Dave really would have wanted to massage Bopper. Phil puts him in his place a little by saying that he has to give Rachel some more credit. You go Phil!
“I kissed a gnome and I liked it!”
Team Boy Guns get to Phil and they are dark and brooding and bitching to Phil. Team Reality gets to the house and drops off the rest of the water which is apparently enough to get the clue. Team Second Chance is right behind. Then Team Girl Guns finishes the task and are on their way to their extra task, but on the way Reality tells them where to go and that they have a shot. They’re almost encouraging. It’s so out of character that I think I got a nosebleed. But then Reality gets in the cab and Rachel starts crying about being tired which makes much more sense.
Then, we have the winner of the most hilarious ironic moment. Second Chance Vanessa hops in the cab and with the biggest, cockiest smirk ever she says, “We have the best luck with cabs.” And flat tire! It’s karma comin’ atcha! But the cabbie seems awesome and is fixin’ that tire nice and quick while Ralph complains to the camera and does nothing. The tire is fixed, they get in and say all they can do is pray. Well, having a giant cross tattoo on your hand makes it easier.
Girl Guns and Second Chance arrive at the Gem place at the same time. Unfortunately, Girl Guns still have a speed-bump. Fortunately, all they have to do is set up a table of art like a picture and they’re done. No selling crap to locals or anything! Unfortunately, they’re total idiots.
Reality Rachel is doing “To Bee or Not To Bee” and says she needs to respect the bees and she wants to keep them nice and confused. Is that what she thinks being respectful means? She makes a lot more sense to me now. She finishes quick and says she’s like Winnie the Pooh. Oh Rachel, please, please, please never go nude from the waist down. Please. They get to Phil who’s busy jamming out and they are team number four.
Second Chance Ralph gets to the bees and starts smoking them out. Meanwhile Girl Guns are having a hard time because it’s windy. Oh boy. But they get the clue and they are off to Margaret’s barn! Team Second Chance finishes and make it to the Phish of the African plains. They are still in. Which means the last to arrive is Girl Guns. Oh well, no harm no foul. Second Chance didn’t piss us off that much this episode and Girl Guns have been hanging on by a thread for too many episodes already so it’s about time to cut the cord. Bye ladies! We’ll never really care what your real job is, but I hoped you enjoyed lying about it for no good reason! And thanks for wearing “I’m with my BFF” shirts with arrows pointing so they have to stand in specific places every time they are next to each other. That doesn’t seem pointlessly annoying at all.
At the last moment, Nary reconsiders who her best friend is.
Next time on The Amazing Race: Team Boy Guns prove how done they are with Team Blowup by yelling at them about it! And the teams go to India where it’s so hot Barfer says he’s going home. DRAMA!!!!
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