Hey AR Fans! This week we begin where we left off, in a funky gazebo surrounded by a wonky jazz band. Phil’s voice-over reminds us that last week was a TO BE CONTINUED episode. It’s weird when his V.O. interrupts his own speaking, it’s like I’m down the rabbit hole! Literally I fell into a rabbit hole once, didn’t have my Life Alert on me so I had to wait for Berry to find me. Down there everything echoed…
“Do you guys know any Mannheim Steamroller?”
Phil gives the teams a clue, “Drive yourself to the Ford Proving Grounds to find your next clue.” The Ford Proving Grounds? Like where Fords have to go to prove themselves? Wait a minute, I thought Fords were made in the USA! I guess they are, but they have to go to Belgium to prove themselves. It’s like a weird automotive Rumspringa.
Since Team Peyton arrived first they are off to do a serious product placement challenge. While they drive Marcus Bell lets us know that since they came in first they have to fight twice as hard to stay at the top. Like….a drunk antelope on the 20 yard line. Or I would imagine.
WTF is second to arrive and leave again. Cindy’s all, “OH MY GOSH! ” WTF did not practice this scenario, they are being super awkward, even for them. Phil’s like, “Please don’t read the clue on the mat, it’s tacky.” They finally get off the mat and in their car, then quickly stop at a hotel for directions.
“No one HOWEVER‘s ERNIE!!!
This Gazebo House Band music is so…….confusing. It’s like someone took the sheet music from the music man, used it as toilet paper and handed it back to the musicians.
Breakup checks in third, they don’t seem phased by the fact that they have to keep going. They are almost too calm….the still before the break up storm?!?!??!?!??! I swear these two are going to break up!!! THEY HAVE TO!!! FRAN IS NEVER WRONG DAMMIT!!!!
Snowbros are still doing last week’s body building pose routine. It looks like the judge’s head shrunk! The Snowbros finally pass! Geez, it only took them a whole week.
“Has anyone seen my face steroids?”
Peyton is delayed trying to get directions, they’re worried. They should have fought harder to stay on top! It’s like bottom of the ninth at the 12 and the laces are out! Or I would imagine.
Team With an “I” passes the posing. A judge hits on Pa, he says he can tell Pa’s been working out. Pa throws Ma infront of him. For protection or to hide his farm-boner? Either way, Ma’s in trouble!
WTF gets to the Ford Proving Ground first. This’ll be perfect because Ernie learned how to drive a car just for this race!
Road Block: Drive a Ford Mustang through a series of badass tests! They gotta “master their mustangs.”
“This is the closest AR has come to Knight Rider and it’s really turning me on!” -Berry
Ernie is as giddy as a school Ernie. He’s really excited and scared and maybe about to barf. Ernie is hilarious he is doing these nervous bobble head maneuvers. His instructor is totally badass. He’s like a James Bond villain. In his thick Belgian accent he’s like, “Mr. Ernie, in the amount of time it took you to apply your helmet, I’ve already made love to your fiancee, Cindy. BTW, WTF is up with her?”
For some, “Mastering Your Mustang” can be a long process.
Snowbros said “Hi” and “Bye” to Phil. On their way to the Ford they’re still talking about their humbling experience. I guess I appreciate that they can eat some holy crow. But maybe if you talk about how super humble you are it might come across as bragging that you’re so capable of being humble? Maybe I’m just nitpicking because Berry is neither good at posing in a bikini nor being humble. He is good at getting lubed up in fake tanner though!
With an “I” check in with Phil. They find out they’re still racing and Pa is like, “SHEEEIIIIT!!” He was sooo ready to be Philiminated.
Ernie got a big old thumbs down from the guy watching the timer. Too slow girl! He tries like 15 times and sucks. The villainous instructor hates him. “Ernie, I don’t have time for your foolishness. I could be making love to a fiancee.”
Team Peyton can’t find the highway. Oh boy! It’s like when you’re trying to pass to Peyton Manning but you accidentally throw it to Eli Manning!! Or I would imagine.
Team Breakup gets to the Road Block. Jeremy is stoked. It’s awesome!! He’s got the power! He’s got the power to make this breakup happen!! Cue: Here I Go Again by Whitesnake! Let’s do this!
“Ernie, I could be f***ing finacees right now.”
Back to the tension between Ernie and the villainous instructor, Ernie is nervous because Jeremy is on his tail. And Jeremy is a big car guy so obviously he knows how to master his mustang. Not so much. He goes to do it again. But Ernie passes this time around. He’s off to do the donut. Jeremy gets it on his second try. He’s doing the donut! Jeremy’s instructor is way more into it.
WTF is done! They must now drive to the city of Gent and search the Hoofdbrug for their next clue. ‘Hoofdbrug’ sounds like a bogus word Berry tried to make in Scrabble once. And ‘muffin’ is not spelled MOOFAN, Berry!
Breakup is on WTF’s tails. Jeremy says, “I’ve never felt power like that before.” Don’t worry Jeremy, once you dump Sandy on T.V. NOTHING will stand in your way! You just have to do it on T.V. so everyone can see that I’m right!
Peyton and Snowbros get to the mustangs at the same time. Marcus Bell graces us with one of his metaphors, “It’s going to go down like four flat tires.” Maybe not the best analogy since you’re literally doing a car challenge.
Snowbro Longhair confesses that he has more of a passion for driving than snowboarding, but he’s letting Shorthair do it because he’s bad at the “mind ones.” Shorthair’s driving instructor looks like a chubby Rick Moranis. Longhair is having some jealously in his heart today because he wishes he was driving the car. How humbling. Meanwhile, Snowbro Shorthair is getting a taste of forbidden fruit by driving the mustang as hard as he wanted. Gross.
BFFFs! Best Friends Forever (sponsored by) Ford!
Marcus Bell is ruling at driving. It’s the biggest thrill of his life after having his kids, playing football, catching touchdowns, knowing Peyton Manning, watching The Muppets, finding lint in his belly button, breathing, etc…. He freaks out because he loves it so much. He gets a thumbs up and Team Peyton is on their way.
Snowbros are off as well. Longhair had sin in his heart and had to let Christ take the burden of it all away. TMI.
WTF gets to the Detour: Water or Waffles! YES!! YUM! In Water you have to make a raft and search the water way for two pieces of a clue to put together, Phil demonstrates like a flight attendant bucking a seatbelt. In Waffle they have to build a waffle stand and make 18 chef-approved waffles. WTF and Breakup go for Waffle!
WTF watches the waffle making demo. Ernie, “I think I’ll be able to do this quite effectively, but you never know once you get in the booth with Cindy.” WTCindy?! Ernie was right, Cindy is second guessing everything he’s doing.
Breakup is getting messy. Jeremy is embarrassed because he’s more of a pancake man. That is super embarrassing. Enough to end the relationship right now.
Peyton & Snowbros are doing Water. They are wishing Saildad was there to help them assemble their rafts. Yeah right. He wouldn’t know how to make a raft! He’d just go on about how he’s so great and how the supplies and waterway must be faulty, then blame his son for something. Marcus is playfully threatening the Snowbros, “you guys are gonna get creamed!” They are like, “we like the water and you don’t!” Snowbros hop in the water and can’t help saying how awesome it is!!!! Alleluia!
WTF didn’t pass the waffle challenge. They noticed that their strawberry had fallen (TMI) so they fixed it and passed! They now must proceed to De Muur Van Geraardsbergen where they’ll find their next clue. De Muur Van Geraardsbergen is a castle or something. Snowbros are in second place. They humbly discuss how they nailed that raft. Peyton is floating. Struggling, but rafting. Amani can’t really reach the water.
Breakup’s waffle display is not up to par either. They think it has to do with powdered sugar. With an “I” shows up and hears that the waffle thing is hard so Pa’s like, “To hell with it.” Did he mean the Road Block or the race or his life? He’s looking sorta beat. He must still have his tail between his legs from when that body builder put the moves on him.
“Waffles are for city folk anyway!”
Peyton is on their way to the castle. Breakup’s display is still incorrect. Maybe the break up is simmering in the waffle maker! They figure out that their blueberries were switched and they pass.
With an “I” are rafting. Just like when they met, rafting the Mississippi in the 1800′s. Pa gets a little life back in him. He calls out to a Belgian passerby, “it’s our first date!” It’s funny. But the man was probably thinking they were hobos.
In the car on the way to the castle, WTF realizes they left waffles in the waffle maker. “KEVIN!” They get to Der Murr Blah Blah Blah first. They must, “Help the pigeon trainer release homing pigeons.” They then have to meet the pigeons at another location where they can get a note from the pigeon which is a clue to the next pit stop!! Snowbros are currently in second. Peyton & Breakup are in the wrong place. Well, the right place but didn’t see the clue. Different teams get different pigeon meet ups. So no one can really follow each other. DRAMA!
“Set me free and I’ll give you an Emmy.”
Team WTF is lost. Snowbros get their pigeon clue first. They need to go to the pit stop, Atomium. A big ass statue of an atom. Breakup is currently in second. Team WTF is still lost and they are getting testy. May we even say, breakupy? Ah to hell with it! I’ll settle for any break up at this point!
Snowbros get to Phil first. BLAAAAAAhhhhh! Ford is giving each of them a Ford Mustang. A Ford Mustang that they can custom make online. Of course they’ll be giving them to charity so it doesn’t really matter. Longhair, “Jesus saved me from my jealousy and sin by giving me my own car.” He truly does work in mysterious ways.
Teams Breakup, With an “I” & Peyton are lost trying to find the pigeon meet up. WTF just found theirs and gets their clue. Peyton gets their clue. “Rally time baby, rally time. Never let ‘em see you sweat! Cuz if they see you sweat they’ll want a glass of milk, and if you give them a glass of milk you’re gonna have to make them a bed out of a kleenex box! Are we talking about fictional mice or football or the Amazing Race?”
Breakup is team number two! DAMN! WTF is three. They are bummed because they blew it by getting lost.
“Ya, it was a long day.”
Peyton is team four. “It’s on to the Superbowl.”
Peyton, about to burst into Summer Lovin’.
With an “I” is driving towards the pit stop and are startled at how awesome they are. A montage of all that they’ve done fades in and out. All of their most horny and clumsy moments. Pa said that their relationship has improved. (WTF does that mean? Were they racing to see where their relationship stands too?) They arrive last and are Philiminated. Pa is super stoked that they are out! Ma ruins the moment with her random old people rights propaganda, “Older Americans Stand Together!”
Happy Trails Team With an “I”. (BTW, this is how America will remember you.)
In case you were wondering how the Snowbros were going to personalize their fords you can see it online at cbs.com. Berry and I will NOT be doing that we’d rather watch Saildad make a raft nude with a pigeon up his butt. Actually, that could be fun!
See you next week as Sandy faces her biggest fear. Breaking up? No, heights. xofranberry!