The Amazing Race Recap: “We Bought a Zoo,” on Dec 23rd!!

Welcome back AR fans, it’s episode eleven y’all! Isn’t this season just flying by? It felt like just yesterday there were two dumb blonde pairs. Things are also exciting for us, Fran and I are considering taking a position becoming new parents and nannies in Hawaii! We need to find out which island, who the people are and if we’ll get paid, but those are just the details. Anyway, on to the Amazing Race! Who will be in the final three?!

Last week Team Snowbros won their 6th leg of the race and Ma and Pa had to be sent to a farm in upstate NY.

Now we have Team Payton, Team Breakup, Team WTF and Team Snowbros all vying for a space in the TOP THREE! Here we go!!

Phil tells is that Belgium has hosted the World’s Fair ten times, geeze Belgium give another country a chance! The Atomium was this leg’s pit stop and apparently teams got the “privilege” of sleeping inside it. I think privilege is the wrong word. More like terrible punishment.

“Mommy, can I please sleep in the freezing cold, tiny, metal ball tonight?!”

Well, everyone got that privilege of sleeping in that cramped space instead of a hotel except for Snowbros who got to stay up all night customizing their free Mustangs, giggling and tickling each other until God told them they were going to hell.

And they’re off! With a giant box of costumes! Teams must dress as two characters from “The Adventures of Tin Tin” comic and figure out they are detectives, known by three names. Then they must locate a mural of a Tin Tin comic strip and tell a guy dressed as Tin Tin what they learned. That is so weird! Does Amazing Race know that there is a movie coming out about Tin Tin? Because that’s a crazy coincidence!! But it must be! An emmy award winning show like this wouldn’t send teams to a country only to get in a promotion of Tin Tin on the episode where we found out who the final three are, would they? Because that would mean all the other roadblocks and pit stops would have just been filler, wasting time until they got to a stupid promotion for a child’s cartoon!

LAAAAAAAAMMMMMEEEEE AMAZING RACE!!! LAAAAAAMMMMMEEEE!!!

To counteract this episode, Fran and I have taken it upon ourselves to level the playing field.

Go see “We Bought a Zoo!” Based on a true story!

On December 23rd, go see “We Bought a Zoo” starring Scarlett Johansson, Thomas Haden Church and Matt Damon! Directed by Cameron Crowe!! “We Bought A Zoo,” be unpredictable, do something crazy, embrace your wild side!! Based on a true story.

Anyways, the Snowbros dress up as old school detectives from and unnamed comic book and start wandering around Brussells at 4AM asking people who they would be if they were a comic, or if they’ve seen a kid in a blue sweater with weird hair. The only thing they succeeded in was freaking out drunk people. And being told they are Charlie Chaplin, which they write down. This should be interesting.

Team Breakup is next to leave. And they better break up already!! Of course, if there’s one thing that can ruin a relationship and leave a child without a mother figure, destroying his life, it’s Tin Tin. The only thing that can save him is if his single father quits his job and moves to the country to gain back his children’s affection and accidentally buys a zoo and fall in love with Scarlett Johansson.

“My favorite quote? It’s “All you need is twenty second of insane courage and I promise you something great will come of it.” It’s from “We Bought a Zoo,”based on a true story!

Team Breakup says they never thought they’d make it this far. Neither did we. They say their goal is to make it to the final three. Well, duh! You might also want to throw “winning a million dollars” in there, but that’s just me and Fran. We like money.

Girl Team Breakup puts on the fake mustache and Boy Team Breakup tells her she looks like a darn hot man. Here comes the Breakup? That’s not how we expected it to go down, with him wanting to go down on a dude. But whatever it takes!

The Snowbros go to a internet cafe and search “famous cartoon characters, Charlie Chaplin.” They are excited because they find something! Um, have you ever Bing’d anything? There is always a result for any stupid thing you search. It doesn’t have to be right! Just ask Sen. Rick Santorum. Or better yet, Google it.

Team WTF leaves next and they are pissed about how they keep blowing their lead! Not this time!

Team Breakup is told they’re the detectives from Tin Tin, while Snowbros argue back and forth if they are Tin Tin or Charlie Chaplin. Wow, people sure are saying Tin Tin a lot! You know what it makes me think of? When everyone’s really into the band Stillwater in the movie “Almost Famous.” Man, that was a good movie. Hey, did you know the director and writer of that movie has a new one coming out? Yup, on Dec. 23rd, it’s call “We Bought a Zoo!” I might just check that out! I bet it’ll be great. I heard somewhere it’s based on a true story.

“I’d be a wild animal stuck in a cage with him any day.” – Fran, based on a true story.

Team WTF finds out who they are as well and get their names, Dupont and Dupond (or Johnson and Johnson). Meanwhile Team Snowbros tell the cabbie they are Charlie Chaplin and they are an English comic film director. Oh yeah, remember that hilarious, famous comic strip where Charlie Chaplin gets cloned and there are two of him running around directing movies! Classic.

Team Peyton comes out swinging with football metaphors! Marcus says this leg of the race would a be a conference championship, in football terms. Then he gives us his resume, which I won’t bore you with. All you need to know is he played football, and he talks about it A LOT! But he is going to the superbowl! Of course, not the real superbowl, he’s not that good at football.

Team Breakup makes it to that kid in the blue sweater who loves the movie “We Bought a Zoo” and the illuminous Scarlett Johansson much and gets their next clue!

Teams must now travel by train to Amsterdam and fly to Pananama City, Panama. Then they must take a boat up the Chagres river up to the village of Parara Paru where they will receive heir next clue.  I guess Marcus and Amani are going to get a test run of that Panama vacation they won.

I assume they have to go to Amsterdam first because part of the challenge will be not getting so high you miss your plane and spent the next five years of your life in the red light district. At least that’s what happened to us. 1987-1992 were some crazy years for us. We did a lot of things we weren’t proud of, and a few that we were, but we can’t talk about in decent company.

Team WTF gets it next! Then Team Snowbros find Tin Tin the boy who has an uncomfortable relationship with his dog and tells him they are Charlie Chaplin, Or Buster Keaton? Or Harold Lloyd? Keep going, you’re almost there!

“Fatty Arbuckle? Lorna Doone? Hitler?”

As the sun comes up Team Peyton gets their next clue while Team Snowbros go back to the internet to figure it out. (BTW, I really hope AR starts to ban the internet in future races, this is getting ridiculous, and more importantly, boring.)

So, they go on Wikipedia and find out they are Thomson and Thompson. Wait a minute, how can a “popular” character go by three totally different names? It seems like if it was popular enough everyone would know it by the same name. Jerry Maguire only had one name! And he was really popular! Show Me The Money! You Had Me At Hello! So great! And it also happens to be written and directed by Cameron Crowe, co-writer and director of “We Bought a Zoo.” Dec 23rd. Based on a True Story. Matt Damon!

The Snowbros finally get their clue and now everyone is back on the same train, which means the same plane. Which means hurrying to Tin Tin was meaningless. Might as well wait ’til the DVD.

Time for some sexy “Adventures of Tin Tin” Cosplay!

Everybody’s in cabs in Panama trying to catch the boat, screaming at their cab driver telling everyone they are in a race, like anyone cares. Marcus Bell is holding some “magic” rocks some dude gave him that are bad luck to give to Snowbros, so he throws them out the window to get rid of the bad luck. Ominous! Or maybe just dumb, who knows.

Team Breakup and the Snowbros show up to the boats in the middle of the night and it’s kind of creepy. Team Peyton and WTF show up in the second wave right behind. Team Breakup gets their boat beached on a sandbar and are stuck.

The Snowbros run to the village where the locals are playing music and they brag about having a a 20 minute head start.

Team Peyton are next and Marcus says they are about to get a crash course in head shrinking. Uh-Oh, they should have kept those magic rocks!!

As everyone goes to sleep in their outdoor hammocks they are all worried about Snowbros and their lucky streak, the teams are really gunning for them now.

And now, the teams must get a tattoo! Well, not a real tattoo, it’s just paint. But for some reason longhair Snowbro still seems to be in pain. Teams must figure out that their tattoo that says “Francisco Bay” and has a picture of a tower means they have to go to the San Francisco Bay Towers in Panama City. So tricky Amazing Race!

The Snowbros brag AGAIN that they have a twenty minute jump on everyone and Marcus Bell gives the other teams a pep talk that they know what they’re doing and that’s all they need!

The teams gets their tattoos and run to their taxis. Team Breakup reminds us that they only need to beat one team. Team WTF is only 60/40 sure that they can do it. WTF, get it together!!

“I want it to say ‘bro’ in Chinese letters.”

Team Snowbros get to the towers and hit the roadblock, Walk Tightrope! They must walk a tightrope 35 stories above the city from one tower to the other to get their clue, then back! Crazy!

Team Breakup gets there next and Girl Breakup tells us she’s scared of heights. So of course she has to do it. Shorthair Snowbro comments how it’s actually a long ways down.

And here they go! Tightroping from one building to another only attached by two giant chains and a safety bar harness above their heads at all times holding them exactly in place! Scary!!! Imagine if you slip off the rope and have to grab on to the bar even tighter, I don’t know if I could handle that!

Of course Team Snowbro says “it’s mellow” and finishes right away and spends the rest of their time messing with team Breakup and trying to scare them. Just like Jesus would do.

They both get their clues and the teams must now figure out that the clue is sending them to a statue of Ferdinand De Lesseps where they will find their next clue. For some reason Team Beakup is now asking about finding a giant rooster? Did we miss something? Girl Team Breakup must finally be ready for a new giant cock. Reminds me of our month in Amsterdam in 1989.

Team WTF and Peyton arrive at the highwire and Cindy goes first with a nice “Holy balls!” to get her started. Amani goes second. Cindy gives Amani the advice to “walk like a duck. It helps.” Not just in this case, in almost everything. Cindy loves walking like a duck!

Not really “tight rope walking,” as much as “harness riding.”

DETOUR! This detour gives teams the chance to work in two of Panama’s oldest trades. Oldest trades? Reminds me of the years 1988-1992 in Amsterdam. Actually it’s Filet or Sole.

In Filet the teams must deliver fish to venders scattered around a market. Then the fishmonger will give them their next clue. Fishmonger? Reminds me of…well, nevermind.

In Sole the teams must take a single strap of leather (yes, yes, Amsterdam, we remember) and make a pair of sandals. When the cobbler thinks they have the perfect fit, they’ll get their next clue.

The Snowbros choose Sole and make it to the market. Team TWF chose Soles too and get a fun cab driver named Juan that is on their side!

While looking for filet Team Peyton stumbles onto the other three teams making shoes. They are all like, “helll no. We are NOT making shoes” and leave. What? They would rather be lost than catch up and make shoes? Why are they so against making shoes? Or are they just REALLY into delivering fish for some reason. Either way, this might be a game changer for them. It was fourth an inches and instead of a run up the middle they decided to leave the game and go deliver fish.

The shoes do seem harder than they look. The laces keep ripping through the leather. So Peyton arrives at the fish market and start running 50 lb’s of Barracuda to the first station!

The cobbler gives Team Snowbros their next clue which directions to the pitstop at Cathedral Square. Once there teams must figure out that the name of the pitstop is hidden on the dress of one of the dancer. Or, the much less fun way, see it on their necklace.

The Snowbros say they know exactly where it is and are on their way, running. Damn these Snowbros! They really piss me off! They are just so lucky, and even though they talk a big game about being great people all I seem to see them do is mess with people on a highwire, push people out of the way on a foot race, be jealous of each other for driving a cool car and be vaguely racist around the world. I guess Jesus doesn’t mind if you’re a dick sometimes.

Team Peyton is running around handfuls of raw fish and Amani says it’s making her hungry. Nasty! She says they’re slippery little suckers and there’s something pokey. Yup, just like Amsterdam. Christmas eve, 1993.

Back at Sole Team WTF and Breakup is having some serious shoe problems. Maybe Peyton was right. The Hail Mary pass worked! They finished and got their clue!

What happened to the little Piggy who stayed home?! Roast Beef, what did you do?!

Team Snowbros make it to Cathedral and start looking the dancers up and down real pervy like. It was like the girls were standing in a window in Amsterdam between 3 and 5AM, which is the worst time, believe us!

They find the word Balboa which is the name of the local money, so they get in a cab and are of to…money?

I hope the can driver takes them to Balboa Island and they hang out with Lucille Bluth for the rest of this episode. She’ll put them in their place!

Both WTF and Breakup finish at the same time and head to the pit stop neck and neck! Go Juan go!

Meanwhile Team Snowbros are in a taxi and their driver knows exactly where he’s going an d the Snowbros decide not to mess with his mojo. Their can drives takes them to the Panama canal and drops them off telling them this is Balboa. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Team Peyton arrive back at the real pitstop and dance around with the ladies and act their charming hilarious selves dabbing down the sweaty dancers.

The Snowbros are then told to go to the statue of Balboa and are way out of the way.

Team WTF and Breakup arrive at the pit stop and are all working together to figure out the name of the pit stop while he Snowbros pass the statue and realize there’s nothing there and keep on truckin’. Commercial break!

“Um, excuse me, my clues are up here.”

Hey Amazing Race, good work! This is actually kind of exciting and not super easy! THIS is why you win emmys!! Keep this up and maybe some day you’ll be nominated for an Oscar, just like Cameron Crowe, writer director of “We Bought a Zoo” was for “Almost Famous” and “Jerry Maguire!” He also wrote “Fast Times At Ridgemont High,” it’s like he can’t make a bad movie! Based on a true story.

Team WTF get seduced by the Balboa trick and leave as well, Team Breakup finds the building, gets the name, then leaves to go there, then Team Peyton are off to find something Balboa too. Nooo!!! STOP!!!!

Then, once again, it all come down to cab drivers, but this time in a very odd way. Team Breakup’s driver tells WTF and Peyton’s where they are headed, so they all change direction and head off to the new building. Then the Snowbros get back to the dancing girls and see Panama Viejo written on the bottom of their dress. See? Not every answer is in the boob area! They hop in a cab and they are off!

The cabs are going back and forth, passing each other and the arrive!!…at nothing. Oh boy. They are running around the building randomly until Team Breakup happens upon Phil! Literally, they just seem to turn a corner and he’s there! Team Breakup is team #1!! Wow. I did not expect that. And neither did they! They win a trip to…Well, wherever it was changed! They cut away from Phil and his voice over became rerecorded just before he said it. Weird! What place did they send them that doesn’t exist anymore?! Maybe they were going to send them to the premier of Tin Tin but realized that was LAME!!

Sorry, the mat got kinda crushed in Phil’s suitcase.

Well anyway, Team Break is in the finals!! Maybe they’ll be so surprised they’ll break up for it??? Oh who are we kidding, we might at well change their name right now. FINE!!! Goodbye Team Breakup, hello Team Stay Together for the Kid!

Next to arrive is Team WTF! Yeah! We’re very glad they are in the finals! And here comes Team PEYTON!!! This might actually work out! Those magic rocks worked! I knew God wouldn’t let us down! He just wanted us to sweat it out a bit! Amazing race triumphs again! Good things work out for good people!! The actually good people get to race in the final leg and the fake nice ones get a free car. Perfect!

In the finals racing for the one million dollars are…Team Stay Together (for the kid) Team Peyton, Team WTF!! Phil even calls out that they beat the team that has won six legs of the race! YES!! And Marcus Bell has something to say, he’s been thinking about it and he has a metaphor. Oh boy, here we go with the football BS again! But wait…no! He says,  ”It’s like David and Goliath. They were like the giant and we were the Davids and we had to face the giants and we did enough today to make it to the finals, unbelievable.”  Unbelievable indeed! Snowbros are out and Marcus’ metaphor wasn’t about football!! It’s like Christmas day! Thank you Amazing Race, thank you! You know what? I’m sorry about what I said. Maybe I will go see “The Adventures of Tin Tin” after all. It’s directed by Stephen Spielberg, and you can’t do any better than that! And it was written by Steven Moffat who wrote Dr. Who and Edgar Wright, who made Shaun of the Dead. Voices by Simon Pegg, Daniel Craig, Nick frost and Cary Elwes! It’s gotta be at least watchable!

Then again “We Bought a Zoo” has a zoo! And it’s based on a true story which is very important for some reason. Maybe we’ll make Dec 23th a double feature!

Your final six for Season 19! Stop crying Amani, you made it! You’re a David!

So, here come the Snowbros…on their walk of shame from the cab to the mat. I almost feel bad for them. Say it, Phil. Just say it. You have been Philiminated….

The Snowbros don’t feel that bad. They made a mistake and missed the clue. But they went hard and got real far and it was an experience of a lifetime. And they got to run it with each other and experience God’s awesome creation. True dat Sowbros. True dat.

And here we go into the final episode!!!! The teams are all pumping themselves up and it truly is anyone’s game! And at this point, we are happy for anyone who wins! Although we are taking bets.

And on the season finale “the dating couple with something to prove, the over achievers who often stumble and the comeback kids” race for a million in Atlanta, do a flight simulation and rock climb up a map!

For your final task you must recap all twelve episodes of The Amazing Race, Fran and Barry style………on a typewriter!

See you next week for the finals episode!