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The Amazing Race is so epic. The theme song alone makes you feel like a better person. It reminds you how beautiful and majestic Earth really is. PHIL IS QUAFFED!! He must have a new quaffer/stylist/groomer. Or maybe he’s been doing a juice cleanse. Doesn’t he look extra fluffed and energetic?
We begin this episode in Joe Jakarta, Indonesia. Not to be confused with the Joe Camel Wing of the Lung Research Hospital. Speaking of which, Berry is feeling kinda sick today. Might be from the paint thinner we refuse to properly seal and store. But I like to have it handy, just in case. If you remember Team Snowbro was first place last week so they’re off first today and headed for a colonial bike ride. Phil now leads the Asian Boy Scout Bicycle Club around town. Teams must join a group of local enthusiasts who reinact the bicycle patrols of the 1940′s.
Back when crime was tough and the law was tougher.
They have to ride around slowly with these guys. The Snowbros CAN’T NOT surf the bike, they’re catching some major lameness bro! Team Sailboat is released next. Dad Sailboat thinks being challenged in this race will bring out the best in him. The best, sharpest, rudest, a-hole he can be.
One of the members of Team Smart Boobs reveals that she has a daughter. A Toddler and Tiara daughter. It’s a little blonde ringlet of a baby. We think she is just carrying around the picture that came with her wallet.
Let’s check in with our AR field reporter @RyanStrorms! RT @RyanStorms: “sometimes you have to go all in to win the #jackpot. Are you willing to take the risk? #TheLife”
Oh @RyanStorms, only you would be concerned with the hashtag jackpot. I mean after taxes, it’s barely an H.
Team WTF leaves next. Cindy admits that she’s a control freak. She says that they’ve been super training for the AR. They’ve been taking intensive language classes, getting degrees in geography, doing sunrise bootcamps, stopped having their periods, quaffing Phil, OH!! That explains it!!! Cindy says, “Ernie’s dad is a cop so I’m thinking he’s feeling pretty at home right now.” Ernie’s a blue blood?! Never would have guessed that. She must mean his dad is a playwright who writes artsy pieces that question what society holds up to be the law.
In it to WTF it!
Team Blonde Twins leave quickly followed by Team Breakup, quickly followed by Team Cathi With An “I”. Ma With an “I” says that these teams are so much younger than them, they could be their children. They could be your children? How many babies did you give up for adoption that all of these competitors could be your children!?!?! She goes on to say, “At our age, you know we’re gonna die soon anyways so it’s all good.” Uplifting.
Team Snowbro gets their clue that tells them to go to Salakmalang Village by taxi and get their next clue at a restaurant. We hope Gordon Ramsay is there and yells at them for a while.
Team Bro/Sis (Miserable!) is crashing bikes and breaking each other’s hearts. Team Peyton gets mounted and ready to go.
DRAMA ALERT!!! Emmy award winning Drama! ERNIE’S BIKE PEDAL FELL OFF!!!!! Blair Witch camera angle!!! Serious drama. I’m getting acid reflux I’m so anxious!! OMG TEAM WTF!!!! You’re going to destroy my esophagus! The doctor said I can’t get stressed out anymore or my bile will melt my stomach lining and this pedal incident might just put me over the edge!! Ever since we made our Fran & Berry’s Amazing Race Fantasy Camp in our apple orchard and lost that man from Cincinnati to the trampoline my body’s turned on me! The doctor says it’s extreme heart burn, but my psychiatrist/life coach says it’s acid guilt! OMG!!!! But at my age, I’m going to die soon anyways so, it’s all good.
Okay, we put the episode on mute so I don’t hear the dramatic music. They immediately fixed the bike pedal with some twine. Thank GOD!! Team Peyton is chanting an Ali chant. The teams are all getting in taxis and rushing off. Marcus brought his own whistle to hail taxis! He always wanted to be a ref. How sweet.
DETOUR: Rice Field or Grass Fed
In Rice Field teams must deliver mid-day meal to workers. While the workers eat, the teams have to plant seedlings. In Grass Fed, teams must fill bags with freshly cut grass then pick up two sheep and bring both to a “shed.” A mysterious, vague shed. Maybe Jacob lives there. Then they must get water from a well and put the water in a trough.
Snowbros of course, pick grass fed. Cuz they love grass dude! They seem to be doing the task with relative ease and exceptional cultural disrespect.
Team Cathi with an “i” are doing super racist accents out their cab window. Don’t worry, they’re from another era, an era where it was totally cool to be super racist. Team Smart Boobs are going mad because their cab driver is laughing at them. Team Peyton are lost.
The Snowbros have their sheep and get to the “shed” but they didn’t have enough grass so they have to bring the sheep and grass back to get more grass. But there’s no problem with more grass bro!!! Now they’re back at the shed and getting the water up from the well. Team Sailboat caught up to them but they’re using 3 buckets instead of 2!! Oh man, Team Snowbro notices and is all, “we love to read the clues thoroughly and follow them to a T.” They now head to Bordbouder Temple and climb the stairs to get their next clue.
All the teams are doing Grass Fed except our lovely ladies of the Blonde Twins Team and Smart Boobs. All of these teams are running through the grass and falling. They must have a prairie dog problem. Those little a-holes will tear up an apple orchard real good. Makes it impossible to safely have a trampoline there.
Ma with an “i” proceeds to fall two more times. Oh, she just fell again. She’s fallen four times. Maybe she shouldn’t be wearing those Shape-Ups at her age.
Desperately looking for the porthole to hell.
The Snowbros and Sailboat get to the temple. They have to go through the international entrance and get a sarong mainly so that they look super sexy for the rest of the episode.
Buddha is going to provide teams with the answers they need for their next clue. Because he’s got nothing better to do. Teams must identify Buddha statues with four distinct hand positions. They also have to demonstrate the hand positions and have a proper count of each one.
Sailboat Dad says that he likes the Snowbros because they, “Have similar roots, a spirit of adventure, that’s why we’ve formed an alliance.” I wonder if the Snowbros know they’re in this alliance. Alliance is a pretty heavy word for a show that’s not only NOT Survivor, but kicks off Survivors.
Noodles in my mouth my god my god.
A Team Smart Boober is wearing a t-shirt that says: I only sleep in pink. Does that mean nude? Or does that mean Pepto Bismol? I had to soak in Pepto once from the acid guilt.
Ma, “Hey children, stop!” I bet she says that to all of her potential children. And then she grabs a sheep’s butthole.
“I’ll get you my pretty! And your little sheep anus too!”
Team Peyton is in last place because of their confused cab ride. Marcus has to carry his sheep. They didn’t have enough grass so they go back to do the other task. They get to the rice fields and everyone is gone so they’re thinking they’re screwed.
Sailboat Dad and Snowbro Shorthair are in fact, working together. They are helping each other count. Sailboat Baby says, “Take your time dad!” Snowbro Longhair laughs at him, “Take your time? Whatcho talkin’ bout Willis?”
Electrolytes, it’s what bros crave.
Team Smart Boobs smartly deduce that this temple looks like it’s been here for a long time. Clever girl. Team Blonde Twins are tight on their boob heels. Team Breakup’s cab broke down. They’re running. Lady Breakup is all Lisa Franked out with her purple leopard print t-shirt. Then this happened….
Emmy Award Winning Sexual Tension
All the other teams arriving are not getting the clue at all. It must be worded really strangely. They are thinking there are hundreds and hundreds of Buddhas. Sailboat Dad gets it right first. Then Snowbros. They must now search the grounds for the pitstop. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated. Stop toying with us and say WILL be eliminated!!
Team Peyton arrives and they cross paths with Snowbros. Snowbros totes give the answers to Team Peyton. Unfortunately Amani is like, way too tired from walking so she can’t remember a damn thing so Marcus has to do the task. But he doesn’t quite have it down either.
Team Sailboat is team #1! HOWEVER!! The bucket thing bit them in the ass!! Phil doesn’t seem to like them so he probably LOVED telling them to sit their asses down for a 15 minute penalty. Team Snowbro runs up and they get first place! That’s the second time they have gotten first place because they’ve read and understood the clue better than someone else. These Bros love the rules! They win a romantic trip to a shark tank in Dubai. Actually I think it’s the same waterslide/shark tank that we saw several seasons ago. Remember when that girl was too afraid to go down a water slide and it lost them the race? That was hilarious. If we were the Snowbros and won that trip, we’d spend the whole time reenacting that moment.
Marcus Bell was given the answer at the bottom of the temple, but he can’t remember how to cheat because he was carrying backpacks and stuff.
WWPD? What Would Peyton Do?
Meanwhile all of the other teams are getting together and figuring out that they have been doing it so so so so wrong. Pa with an “i” almost had it but not quite. Ma is screaming at him that he’s too loud. Berry said he’d be furious if he came to this temple on the day they were filming. He is camera shy since we ran the race. On the final leg of our stint on AR, the camera man caught him taking a dump in a pond, I mean luckily that clip didn’t air, but Berry’s never been the same around a camera since.
Pa finally gets it and Ma goes nuts screaming. Who is being too loud now?!
“Spare some change for a white dude? I had to give all my money to moochin’ orphans last week.”
Team Breakup check in with Phil. They are #3.
All the teams are finally getting it. Mainly because they are all using each other’s answers. Now, they all have to get to the pitstop. They’re making a big deal about who has to settle up with their cabs. Foot race baby! Smart Boobs can’t go any faster, not even for her fake daughter.
Phil does some classic pointing. Team Miserable is #4, Team WTF is #5. Peyton is #6. Phil to Team Peyton, “You look like you just won the Superbowl.” Marcus, “I feel like I just won the Superbowl because sometimes when you win the Superbowl you need a lot of luck at your side. Other times when you win the Superbowl, you’re like, I’m hungry for some Cheetos. And other times when you win the Superbowl you’re just tired. But sometimes when you win the Superbowl you’re like horny as HELL! Just ask Amani.”
Team Cathi With an “I” is #7. Pa, “good enough.” Ya, good enough because at your age……
Team Blonde Twins get no music. Super drama. They are turning up the Emmy winning potential with the silence. I’m getting heart burn! But they’re in.
Smart Boobs arrives last. They are having a really hard time accepting the fact that they’ve been cut. She is crying really hard because she thinks she’s failed her photograph of a girl.
“You’ve failed me mother. Mother? You’re a mother!?”
Phil is pretending to be Dr. Phil and really helping her work this out. We think Phil is gunning for a new show where he counsels relationships that have been broken by extreme stress due to reality television. Where is the application because Me and Berry want to win some stuff!!
Next week on AR: Teams go crazy in Thailand. Blonde Twins scream and Pa has to “Weekend at Bernie’s” Ma. See ya later folks!