Hey Amazing Race watchers! Fran and Berry at your service for a little AR recap action. If you remember, last week Team Edward called upon the powers of Zuul and knocked the Sexy Redheads out of the contest.
Have you guys noticed that Phil says “BEAN” instead of “BEEN.” “You have BEAN eliminated from the race.” That’s how you speak with a New Zealand accent, or whatever accent he has. You replace words with a food word. Berry and I replace anything possible with food. We’re still sick from eating our strawberry shortcake duvet.
We continue our story in Kunming, China. Brokeback leaves first and heads to the first task, they have to go drink some mango and papaya infused tea and then the man who serves it will give them a brick of the tea. What they don’t know is that this tea will come back to haunt them later. Jet wants to win so he can bring money home for his “wife” and “child”. Suuuuure.
White Daddy issues are next to get the first clue of the leg. Mallory is pissed that they are still in China, but says she knows a lot about tea. Team ASL also is bummed that they have to be in China, Luke even rolls his eyes at “tea tasting.”
“MMMMMMMM PEACHES FOR ME Y’ALL!!”
After they taste the tea, teams must fly to Kolkata, India with their brick of tea. Team Peepants joins the China hating train. D-A-M-N!! Vyxsin is boobin’ out!! Who the hell is she trying to impress in China? Not Kent, he’s a dick-man. Flight Time is wearing a Brinkley Tigers t-shirt. Berry is getting mad at me that I don’t know who David Brinkley is. I can’t help it if I don’t know who lame people are. Fake Trotters are hot to trot. They taste the tea and Zev says, “that was pointless.” Setting him up for failure later. Team Asian Daddy Issues are comin’ up next……and then all the teams make a mad dash off the plane and they are running out of the airport like they are Walmart Black Friday shoppers with a fresh VISA and their finest stomping shoes on.
Indian cab driver, “waiting for your friends?” Globetrotters “NO!! We’re trying to beat them!!!” Luckily for the teams the Indian cab drivers drive like maniacs through train tracks blowing through red lights, but be assured that the sound people had fun putting in brakes and honks and swerve sounds.
They all get to the Town Hall. It doesn’t matter what order they arrived because it doesn’t open until 10am. The Globetrotters trick a few teams into running in the wrong direction. And the award for most gullible goes to: Mallory. It takes her a little too long to realize that they are foolin’ her.
Roadblock!! Who’s ready to drink in the scenery? (If that means a dirty martini, then me. If it means hot dog juice, then Berry.) Teams will participate in the ancient Indian tradition of tea tasting, which can apparently take years to master. The teams will have to identify the tea that they tasted in China. Then will be given an iced tea (just what they’ll want, MORE TEA!!) and the next clue is on the bottom of the cap. Damn if I had to drink that much tea I can only hope it’s Bret Michaels’ Troperocka. That stuff was goooooood.
Welcome to the hall of tea…….8 of you will enter…….none of you will leave…..without having to go #1 really, reeeeally badly.
Meanwhile, a sitar rocks out hard core! Ron smells the teas and gets it right IMMEDIATELY! Wow! Well, it’s sort of food related, so no big surprise. They proceed to a cab, Ron is concerned that if the cab doesn’t know where they are going that “we gone screw his world” or maybe he said, “he’s gonna screw us royal.”
Mallory is drinking the tea like it’s raw eel. We thought she said she liked tea. Maybe she thought they meant “t-shirts.” Zev is dressed in silk pajamas, were they supposed to put on traditional Indian garb and he’s the only one who obliged? Nah, he’s just a PJ Playa to the max. TJ Maxx should have a pajama spin-off store called PJ Maxx.
“Give me a clue, I gotta get my silky nap on.”
The Grand Indian Tea Judge is very much like the caterpiller in Alice in Wonderland. Just as esteemed, power crazy, and high. Amount of legs: TBD.
“A toast, to your failures!”
At least it’s not a “no horn DOG zone”cuz then Berry couldn’t lurk there.
Jen and Kisha didn’t find the clue on the bottom of the cap, but they got really lucky by using their brains…but they’re not going to stay in the lead because they are Team Peepants and the girl just drank a shit load of tea.
This tea tasting is getting really dramatic. Especially from Kent, Mallory and Luke. These guys are really bringing their season finale dramatics to this episode.
Bobbing for self worth.
Luke is frustrated. So is Zev, he can’t do it, he gets so fed up he smashes a cup. Justin is worried that Zev might be so angry he won’t want to spoon later. Finally Zev gets it and we are treated to a totally anitclimactic reaction from him. He monotonously says, “thank you” and leaves. No screams or “woooo!!”‘s or anything. Lame!
Good night you princes of beef!
ASL and Globetrotters are the only ones left sipping tea. Team Edward gets to the detour first, they give credit to Vyx’s boob nest.
Detour: Indians have promoted education through the ages. Now you gotta choose: Hindu Art or Bengali literature. In Hindu Art, teams paint, dress and adorn a statue of Ganesha.
“Your honor, my client pleads incontinence. Too much tea!”
In Bengali Literature they have to cram their bodies and some stacks of kids books into a schoolbus rickshaw and deliver the books to the headmistress of an elementary school.
“You’re right, no human beings would stack books like this.”
By the way, Barry says if you get that book stacking joke, you and he are instant friends!
Team Asian Daddy Issues are still speaking Chinese to the Indians. Do they know that they’ve left China?
Peepants JUST figured out to look at the bottom of the cap for the clue, they are pissed, but they still get to the detour 4th. They look like a 4th place team to us.
Gary says the episode’s titular line, “I feel like a monkey in a circus parade.” Guess what Gary, you look like one too!
You kings of New Delhi..
Ron is bitching about the music being too loud and there is not any food nearby. David Brinkley Tiger Flight Time just got the right tea from the Exhaulted Tea Sultan. Luke is having a break down, Margie is proud of him anyways. At least that’s what she says with the cameras present.
Kent is way too excited to paint the elephant pink.
“We always address the elephant in the room, by bedazzling it!”
Ron gives up bitching about the blaring Indian music and gives into it. He says he can disco to it. I don’t want Ron to disco to anything. Fake Trotters get in the school bus. Zev gets hit in the head with the bus door.
India doesn’t mess around with the whole- “short bus” concept.
Brokeback gets to the book challenge, their person is going really slow.
Man, drinking tea is hard. Luke is like crying and laying on the ground and freaking out. Bollywood version of The Coneheads is taping down the hall.
“It is my turn to consume mass quantities of tea!”
Luke finally, finally, finally gets it. The tea coneheads applaud him. They lift him up and he crumbles in their arms.
The Bollywood version of the Bodyguard is really strange…..
Vyx and Kent are off to Phil. Then Ron & Christina. The chldren surround the cowboys and wave them off into the sunset.
OMG! THE Phil Keoghan?!?! Can we get your autograph?!”
Gary and Mallory are Team NUMBER 1!!!! And the prize is……..tasting the new Snapple!? What? We knew this episode was Snapple heavy but we had no idea that it was a complete and total sellout.
Okay cameraman, push in on that Snapple being enjoyed….oh yeah that’s the literal money shot.
They also win an Indian feast and a Bollywood dancenumber…….hmmm? And, oh, okay, 20,000 dollars. Wow, Amazing Race you really sold out. Goodbye Travelocity, so long Ford Focus! Hello Snapple!! I’m gonna make fun of it, but you best believe I’m gonna make Berry look at every 7-11 and Circle K for some of that shit. We get free Snapple for recapping this, right? Flipit better buy us a damn Snapple!! Amazing Race Diet Snapple, limited edition. That’s the blue bottle, Flipit!!
Asian Daddy Issues are stuck in a cab traffic jam.. He won’t shut up about how loud it is there. Maybe if he’d shut the hell up for one second it would quiet down! He’s gonna screw someone royal, or gone screw their world . But there are a lot of cabs stuck in traffic.
Where’s Indian Waldo?
ASL gets to the Ganesha detour. The Globetrotters are about to finish and then they drop brown paint all over their statues feet! Kinda looks like Ganesh had an accident, and it’s not from drinking too much tea.
We find the defendant incontinent in the 2nd degree.
The cowboys run up and go straight for a hand shake. They are team number 2. Followed by: Asian Daddy and Fake Trotters. Hey everyone! Snapple party on the mat!
“Hey Everybody! We’re all gonna get laid…..by Wendy!”
Goths get there and Jet tells them they are 4th when they are in fact, 5th. Phil can’t tell if he thinks that’s funny or horrifying. The Globetrotters finish cleaning up Ganesha’s accident, but they can’t find a cab.
Peepants hit the OFFICIAL SNAPPLE MAT 6th. And not a moment too soon, we can only assume they really have to pee. The Globetrotters are there 7th. Phil totally tries to fake them out by being all somber and asking them, “you fought to get to the mat like crazy, you did everything you could.” The Globetrotters are in tears talking about how they carry each other and touch each other. And Big Easy still has some of that Pepto Bismol colored paint on his head. They find out that they are team 7 and are still in the game.
ASL wanders in last. Phil says that they are are the last team to arrive. He signs “last.” Then Margie signs “last” to Luke. She had to translate Phil’s sign language. Did he get the one word he had to say wrong? Did Phil accidentally say, “you are the VAGINA team to arrive?” Margie can’t have Luke seeing words like that. They hug and cry and leave and everything is sad and somber and sorta silent. Luke is crying because he never thought he’d be able to be on the Amazing Race and he loves his Mommy sooooooo much!
Produced by Bertram Van Muster. His name sounds like the best cheese ever. Yuuummmmy!!
Next week on the Amazing Race, Zev gets annoyed by sounds. Must be a great episode if that’s all they could put together for a story line. Or maybe they were just saving the big sound episode for after ASL was gone so nobody feels guilty. Either way, we can’t wait. See you then!! xoxoxoFranberry
I can see the future when I close my eyes. Why is Phil spanking me?!