The Amazing Snapple Race

Recaps

By Fran and Berry | Saturday, April 2, 2011 | 1:00 pm | 35 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Amazing Race, Featured, Recaps

Hey Amazing Race watchers! Fran and Berry at your service for a little AR recap action. If you remember, last week Team Edward called upon the powers of Zuul and knocked the Sexy Redheads out of the contest.

Have you guys noticed that Phil says “BEAN” instead of “BEEN.” “You have BEAN eliminated from the race.” That’s how you speak with a New Zealand accent, or whatever accent he has. You replace words with a food word. Berry and I replace anything possible with food. We’re still sick from eating our strawberry shortcake duvet.

We continue our story in Kunming, China. Brokeback leaves first and heads to the first task, they have to go drink some mango and papaya infused tea and then the man who serves it will give them a brick of the tea. What they don’t know is that this tea will come back to haunt them later. Jet wants to win so he can bring money home for his “wife” and “child”. Suuuuure.

White Daddy issues are next to get the first clue of the leg. Mallory is pissed that they are still in China, but says she knows a lot about tea. Team ASL also is bummed that they have to be in China, Luke even rolls his eyes at “tea tasting.”

201103300101

“MMMMMMMM PEACHES FOR ME Y’ALL!!”

After they taste the tea, teams must fly to Kolkata, India with their brick of tea. Team Peepants joins the China hating train. D-A-M-N!! Vyxsin is boobin’ out!! Who the hell is she trying to impress in China? Not Kent, he’s a dick-man. Flight Time is wearing a Brinkley Tigers t-shirt. Berry is getting mad at me that I don’t know who David Brinkley is. I can’t help it if I don’t know who lame people are. Fake Trotters are hot to trot. They taste the tea and Zev says, “that was pointless.” Setting him up for failure later. Team Asian Daddy Issues are comin’ up next……and then all the teams make a mad dash off the plane and they are running out of the airport like they are Walmart Black Friday shoppers with a fresh VISA and their finest stomping shoes on.

Indian cab driver, “waiting for your friends?” Globetrotters “NO!! We’re trying to beat them!!!” Luckily for the teams the Indian cab drivers drive like maniacs through train tracks blowing through red lights, but be assured that the sound people had fun putting in brakes and honks and swerve sounds.

They all get to the Town Hall. It doesn’t matter what order they arrived because it doesn’t open until 10am. The Globetrotters trick a few teams into running in the wrong direction. And the award for most gullible goes to: Mallory. It takes her a little too long to realize that they are foolin’ her.

Roadblock!! Who’s ready to drink in the scenery? (If that means a dirty martini, then me. If it means hot dog juice, then Berry.) Teams will participate in the ancient Indian tradition of tea tasting, which can apparently take years to master. The teams will have to identify the tea that they tasted in China. Then will be given an iced tea (just what they’ll want, MORE TEA!!) and the next clue is on the bottom of the cap. Damn if I had to drink that much tea I can only hope it’s Bret Michaels’ Troperocka. That stuff was goooooood.

201103300058

Welcome to the hall of tea…….8 of you will enter…….none of you will leave…..without having to go #1 really, reeeeally badly.

Meanwhile, a sitar rocks out hard core! Ron smells the teas and gets it right IMMEDIATELY! Wow! Well, it’s sort of food related, so no big surprise. They proceed to a cab, Ron is concerned that if the cab doesn’t know where they are going that “we gone screw his world” or maybe he said, “he’s gonna screw us royal.”

Mallory is drinking the tea like it’s raw eel. We thought she said she liked tea. Maybe she thought they meant “t-shirts.” Zev is dressed in silk pajamas, were they supposed to put on traditional Indian garb and he’s the only one who obliged? Nah, he’s just a PJ Playa to the max. TJ Maxx should have a pajama spin-off store called PJ Maxx.

201103300110

“Give me a clue, I gotta get my silky nap on.”

The Grand Indian Tea Judge is very much like the caterpiller in Alice in Wonderland. Just as esteemed, power crazy, and high. Amount of legs: TBD.

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“A toast, to your failures!”

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At least it’s not a “no horn DOG zone”cuz then Berry couldn’t lurk there.

Jen and Kisha didn’t find the clue on the bottom of the cap, but they got really lucky by using their brains…but they’re not going to stay in the lead because they are Team Peepants and the girl just drank a shit load of tea.

This tea tasting is getting really dramatic. Especially from Kent, Mallory and Luke. These guys are really bringing their season finale dramatics to this episode.

201103300109

Bobbing for self worth.

Luke is frustrated. So is Zev, he can’t do it, he gets so fed up he smashes a cup. Justin is worried that Zev might be so angry he won’t want to spoon later. Finally Zev gets it and we are treated to a totally anitclimactic reaction from him. He monotonously says, “thank you” and leaves. No screams or “woooo!!”‘s or anything. Lame!

201103300114

Good night you princes of beef!

ASL and Globetrotters are the only ones left sipping tea. Team Edward gets to the detour first, they give credit to Vyx’s boob nest.

Detour: Indians have promoted education through the ages. Now you gotta choose: Hindu Art or Bengali literature. In Hindu Art, teams paint, dress and adorn a statue of Ganesha.

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“Your honor, my client pleads incontinence. Too much tea!”

In Bengali Literature they have to cram their bodies and some stacks of kids books into a schoolbus rickshaw and deliver the books to the headmistress of an elementary school.

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“You’re right, no human beings would stack books like this.”

By the way, Barry says if you get that book stacking joke, you and he are instant friends!

Team Asian Daddy Issues are still speaking Chinese to the Indians. Do they know that they’ve left China?

Peepants JUST figured out to look at the bottom of the cap for the clue, they are pissed, but they still get to the detour 4th. They look like a 4th place team to us.

Gary says the episode’s titular line, “I feel like a monkey in a circus parade.” Guess what Gary, you look like one too!

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You kings of New Delhi..


Ron is bitching about the music being too loud and there is not any food nearby. David Brinkley Tiger Flight Time just got the right tea from the Exhaulted Tea Sultan. Luke is having a break down, Margie is proud of him anyways. At least that’s what she says with the cameras present.

Kent is way too excited to paint the elephant pink.

201103300128

“We always address the elephant in the room, by bedazzling it!”

Ron gives up bitching about the blaring Indian music and gives into it. He says he can disco to it. I don’t want Ron to disco to anything. Fake Trotters get in the school bus. Zev gets hit in the head with the bus door.

201103300118

India doesn’t mess around with the whole- “short bus” concept.

Brokeback gets to the book challenge, their person is going really slow.

Man, drinking tea is hard. Luke is like crying and laying on the ground and freaking out. Bollywood version of The Coneheads is taping down the hall.

201104012220

“It is my turn to consume mass quantities of tea!”

Luke finally, finally, finally gets it. The tea coneheads applaud him. They lift him up and he crumbles in their arms.

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The Bollywood version of the Bodyguard is really strange…..

Vyx and Kent are off to Phil. Then Ron & Christina. The chldren surround the cowboys and wave them off into the sunset.

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OMG! THE Phil Keoghan?!?! Can we get your autograph?!”

Gary and Mallory are Team NUMBER 1!!!! And the prize is……..tasting the new Snapple!? What? We knew this episode was Snapple heavy but we had no idea that it was a complete and total sellout.

201104012227

Okay cameraman, push in on that Snapple being enjoyed….oh yeah that’s the literal money shot.

They also win an Indian feast and a Bollywood dancenumber…….hmmm? And, oh, okay, 20,000 dollars. Wow, Amazing Race you really sold out. Goodbye Travelocity, so long Ford Focus! Hello Snapple!! I’m gonna make fun of it, but you best believe I’m gonna make Berry look at every 7-11 and Circle K for some of that shit. We get free Snapple for recapping this, right? Flipit better buy us a damn Snapple!! Amazing Race Diet Snapple, limited edition. That’s the blue bottle, Flipit!!

Asian Daddy Issues are stuck in a cab traffic jam.. He won’t shut up about how loud it is there. Maybe if he’d shut the hell up for one second it would quiet down! He’s gonna screw someone royal, or gone screw their world . But there are a lot of cabs stuck in traffic.

201104012224

Where’s Indian Waldo?

ASL gets to the Ganesha detour. The Globetrotters are about to finish and then they drop brown paint all over their statues feet! Kinda looks like Ganesh had an accident, and it’s not from drinking too much tea.

201104012229

We find the defendant incontinent in the 2nd degree.

The cowboys run up and go straight for a hand shake. They are team number 2. Followed by: Asian Daddy and Fake Trotters. Hey everyone! Snapple party on the mat!

201104012230

“Hey Everybody! We’re all gonna get laid…..by Wendy!”

Goths get there and Jet tells them they are 4th when they are in fact, 5th. Phil can’t tell if he thinks that’s funny or horrifying. The Globetrotters finish cleaning up Ganesha’s accident, but they can’t find a cab.

Peepants hit the OFFICIAL SNAPPLE MAT 6th. And not a moment too soon, we can only assume they really have to pee. The Globetrotters are there 7th. Phil totally tries to fake them out by being all somber and asking them, “you fought to get to the mat like crazy, you did everything you could.” The Globetrotters are in tears talking about how they carry each other and touch each other. And Big Easy still has some of that Pepto Bismol colored paint on his head. They find out that they are team 7 and are still in the game.

ASL wanders in last. Phil says that they are are the last team to arrive. He signs “last.” Then Margie signs “last” to Luke. She had to translate Phil’s sign language. Did he get the one word he had to say wrong?  Did Phil accidentally say, “you are the VAGINA team to arrive?” Margie can’t have Luke seeing words like that. They hug and cry and leave and everything is sad and somber and sorta silent. Luke is crying because he never thought he’d be able to be on the Amazing Race and he loves his Mommy sooooooo much!

Produced by Bertram Van Muster. His name sounds like the best cheese ever. Yuuummmmy!!

Next week on the Amazing Race, Zev gets annoyed by sounds. Must be a great episode if that’s all they could put together for a story line.  Or maybe they were just saving the big sound episode for after ASL was gone so nobody feels guilty.  Either way, we can’t wait. See you then!! xoxoxoFranberry

201104012234

I can see the future when I close my eyes.  Why is Phil spanking me?!

Fran and Berry are not just a sexy elderly couple who competed in Season 9 of the Amazing Race, they are also us, Mike Betette and Amanda Ohly.  We are similarly married and similarly carry backpacks all over the world.  Some people ask us "how do you keep the spark alive in your marriage?"  And to that we respond: reality tv.  Tons of reality tv.  Sexy, fighty, douchey reality tv.  We are both comedians living in Los Angeles and we love Robin Hood and we did NOT contribute to the Harlem Shake.  Google us for more, ya dirty stalker!

35 Comments

  1. 1
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted April 2, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    The deaf guy’s emotional display made me wonder if he has other issues, and that’s why his mother is so protective of him. I felt sorry for him.

  2. 2
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 2, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    @ Cattyfan, there’s nothing to feel sorry about when it comes to Luke and his bitchface. Watching him implode made my weekend. For once, the previews were accurate with respect to what happened and I wasn’t disappointed. I wish F&B put more screen caps of Luke’s disintegration into madness, though, but great recap nonetheless. Hate. Luke. Glad. He’s. Gone.

  3. 3
    JC
    Posted April 2, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Agreed. Glad to see Luke and his smothering mother gone.

    Next, I will perform a blood ritual for the dark, ancient ones to ensure that Team Edward will be gone soon, too. They’re even more annoying than Team Tats from last season.

  4. 4
    itchy
    Posted April 2, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Great. Now I won’t be able to sleep. I know that line from somewhere, but the info is obviously contained in one of the cheeseholes of my brain. Oh well.

    I liked how the Oompa-loompas tried to hoist up the weepy deaf guy. Like watching my weakling relatives try to do the chair dance.

  5. 5
    zbird
    Posted April 2, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Who ya gonna call?

  6. 6
    zerocool
    Posted April 2, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Spoken by the great Bill Murray!!

  7. 7
    jumpedcut
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 2:23 am

    I laughed at Flight Time’s shirt being for David Brinkley. But actually, and I feel like a nerd for saying this, but Flight Time’s Brinkley Tigers shirt was actually in honor of his hometown – Brinkley, Arkansas. I only know that because I live in Arkansas, and the local paper has run a few stories about Flight Time and the Amazing Race.

  8. 8
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 4:26 am

    Coincidentally, my husband and I were talking about Ghost Busters right before I read this recap. How random! lol

    I am so glad Luke left. You know, I understand that he can’t hear. I have some relatives that can’t hear. But being deaf doesn’t make a grown person throw toddler-style tantrums when they don’t get their way. Could you imagine Marlee Matlin doing that?

    Thanks for another great recap!

  9. 9
    jersey4041
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Why does everyone hate Luke so much? I didn’t care for him and I feel like his mother is probably not a great person but I thought I was the only one.

    So who is everyone rooting for now? I’ve been happy with the eliminations thus far. I’d like to see Keynt and Vixen go next. I’d like Gary and Mallory for the win but I don’t think it’s going to happen…. either them or the Globetrotters…I can’t ever pick a winner though so you can immediately knock them off the win list. Which leaves you with Zev/Justin, PeePants, Asian Daddy Issues

  10. 10
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 10:59 am

    I liked Zev & Justin the first time they were on the show and felt bad for them when Justin lost the passport, so I’m glad they’re still in the race and would love for them to win.

    I also like the Globetrotters and am genuinely surprised that I’m liking Gary & Mallory. She’s as highly strung as a Chihuahua, but she seems a nice enough kid and Gary is such a mellow dad that I’m finding them more and more likable as the season progresses.

    The show wants me to like the Cowboys, so I feel it’s beholden upon me not to.

  11. 11
    Mister Dangerous
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 11:52 am

    That LUKE is a crybaby bitch. God, I’m glad his mother loves him because he’s going to be spending a lot of time with her in the future. For LUKE’s sake the apron strings need to be cut. I suggest LUKE move into a gay, socialist commune where all the 2012 republican candidates are mocked & made fun of and the fight for gay rights is the foremost goal for everyone in the commune.

  12. 12
    itchy
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    I’m not rooting for anyone, I’m still pissed Brooke missed the boat. Well, okay, I kind of like the Trotters, they seem like nice guys, having a good time, always nice to each other and generally to the others too.

    That’s right. Mark this date in the calendar of world history. For once my favorite on a reality show does not have breasts.

  13. 13
    Scratchy
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Love the recaps!! Which is why I notice that one is missing. Is there a bonus recap coming soon of the episode where the cheerleaders screw up the dinosaur and set paleontology back a few years (the March 20, 2011 episode)?

  14. 14
    Clair Clair
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    I really like Luke and Mom and they were my favs. As an easy weeper myself, I know how it is to deal with frustration that way.

    I don’t have a new favorite yet… maybe the cowboys…

  15. 15
    fatladysings
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    The sign that Phil made to team ASL when they got to the mat was “team” it was not “last.’ Not that it makes any difference…

  16. 16
    Robin Robinez
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Hi Scratchy, Here is the re-cap you’re looking for. :>

    http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/amazing_race/the-amazing-race-dolls-dinosaurs/

    TC, Robin

  17. 17
    Flipit
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    Thanks robz. I don’t know what happened there!

  18. 18
    Robin Robinez
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    YW but all I did was cc&p the link lol. I knew I had read it and it was there when I looked! The internets prob skipped a beat.

    TC, Robin

  19. 19
    Flipit
    Posted April 3, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    It was posted last week, but it got unposted somehow!! so no one was going crazy, i just had to republish. i confuse even myself sometimes! LOL!

  20. 20
    soapboxx
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 12:31 am

    Just because a person is deaf they don’t have to be a douche bag, tantrum throwing, momma’s boy. “Boo-hoo-hoo I can’t find the tea!!!!!!! Mommmaaaa! Waaaaaahhh!” Blech! Glad they are gone. I want Gary for my dad. My dad was an alcoholic, 3 job working, WWII fighting, Kant loving, paranoid intellectual introvert who probably yelled 3 words to me in my lifetime. I would love to have had Gary in my life! Great moments in drunkin’ dad history: He once threw the Christmas tree out the front door onto the lawn. He got pulled over for driving drunk going 5 mph on a main thoroughfare. He tried to drink water from a hairbrush….And after he’d just had his teeth pulled for dentures he drunkenly blended a cheeseburger,onion rings and a strawberry shake that he tried to eat for dinner. Sad horns…

  21. 21
    itchy
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 12:33 am

    I suppose it was inevitable that a Scratchy would show up here.

  22. 22
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 1:33 am

    Ha! Now all we’re missing is Poochie.

  23. 23
    jersey4041
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 1:40 am

    I was a fan of Gary and Mallory on their first season (the most recent one) I think they’re sweet and I think they genuinely appreciate the experience. They’re not nasty to each other or the other contestants. I was glad to actully see them come in first, finally.But when Phil was announcing the prize, I was getting pissed for them. Like all they get is Snapple and a dinner? So glad when he mentioned the money. I used to love the Cowboys, on their season, but they just don’t have that likability this time around. I don’t know, maybe I don’t see enough of them. I don’t like KyVixen. I don’t think it was fair that they were able to UTurn the red heads and I think they’ve gotten lucky. I felt for Luke because I’ve been frustrated like that before…I didn’t mind the crying that time. I didn’t like him though because he did seem like a brat.

    I think the last few episodes will be good ones. I’m excited.

  24. 24
    itchy
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 2:24 am

    Thankfully Poochie died on the way back to his planet. This does not explain, however, why Scratchy never returns any of my calls. I said I was sorry, what more can I do?

  25. 25
    germgurl
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 2:33 am

    I didn’t watch son&mother or the two Jewish friends in their first seasons but imo it is understandable that everyone needs an outlet for frustration at some point in the race… for the guy that can not curse or scream it might be tears, that’s his deal, but the guy that threw a cup on the floor in front of the Indian tea master was far more disrespectful in his outburst!

  26. 26
    itchy
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 3:31 am

    He has Aspergers, that’s his excuse. I too have an excuse for my tantrums, I happen to have an advanced case of assholitis, more commonly known as Trump’s Syndrome.

  27. 27
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 3:33 am

    @germgurl, the difference is that Zev has issues and owns them. He is autistic so he has difficulties with some processes in the race. I also suspect that is why he is going to have a hard time next episode with the noise. Luke, on the other hand, is deaf. They have never explained any other reason why he would act like a 2 year old when faced with challenges. He was somewhat better this season, but if you watched his season, he routinely threw tantrums whenever he couldn’t figure something out. Crying may be a normal reaction to frustration for some adults, but tantrums are not. When he was melting down with the tea, even is mother mentioned his tantrums in the previous season. I think the point that we were making (at least I was) is that deafness doesn’t cause emotional retardation*. So either he was raised in a way that didn’t allow him to develop those skills normally or he has other issues.

    *Note: this is the correct usage of the word. So no lip about calling someone retarded. ;-)

  28. 28
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 7:23 am

    @Sarcas & itchy – Not that he posts here or anything, but my brother’s name is Poochie.

    And jersey4041, I was getting pissed at Gary & Mallory’s crap prize until Phil mentioned the money. Way to bury the lead.

  29. 29
    itchy
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 7:36 am

    I sincerely hope for his sake that Poochie is just a nickname. ‘Cause, you know, my real name isn’t Itchy…

  30. 30
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Yes, it is…and just a family one at that.

  31. 31
    Robin Robinez
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    I guess it is just a matter of how folks display their frustration and how it would affect the team, as opposed to any physical limitations they may have.

    A week or two ago Vixen was freaking the hell out when she was trying to find the airport. I thought she was over the top and if I was her partner, her meltdown would have affected me too.

    On the other hand, Zev, who does have limitations, merely slammed a teacup down to show his frustration and if I was his partner it wouldn’t have affected me or our team. It was a pissed off moment. As far as Luke is concerned, he is certainly handicapped and there is no getting around it. I am sure that the race is more difficult for him than it is for others. That said, I had a boyfriend in my early twenties and his parents were deaf. They met in deaf school. They raised 3 children, both worked full time, had career’s and took pride in all accomplishment’s. When I see Luke it makes me sad that his Mom has done this to him. Having a sensitive soul is never a bad thing. But I think that he needed to be toughened up a bit. Especially when you know that your kid is unfortunately going to have to live in a world with some screwed up people that will take advantage of him and his handicap.

    TC, Robin

  32. 32
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted April 4, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    I thought I’d read that Luke actually left home right after high school to attend college and that he hadn’t been living with his parents when they did the race the first time, so he’d been away from home, at the time, for about four or five years. He does seem to go from zero to meltdown rather quickly, but I don’t think it’s because Margie smothers him

  33. 33
    Scratchy
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 6:58 am

    Itchy, the reason I’m not returning your calls is that we are through!

    Look for the “Scratchy Comedy Revue & Happy Fun Time Hour” this fall on FOX. Killer lineup this season: Tim Conway, Morgan Fairchild, Scott Baio, Charo, Erik Estrada, and the return of Pink Lady!

  34. 34
    bitchristine
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    A grown man bawling and sobbing like that is inexcusable, unless there is a legitimate medical condition.

    What an embarrassment. What an asshole.

  35. 35
    itchy
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    I cried when my cat died. And when Scratchy left me. Sniff.

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