The Amazing Race: Fuchen the Kuchen!

We’re back and I must say I’m looking forward to this season more than previous ones! Last week we learned the season will be full of top notch morons, good-hearted souls and vindictively evil bastards. What a show!

The leg starts off with last week’s first place team, Team Big Bro. They start off on a great first step by screaming “BUS” at their taxi driver. They speak a foreign language as well as my mother does – by which I mean they scream English slowly and with great exaggeration of the hands. Watching these two scream-speak their way across many countries is gonna make it SO worth watching!

Teams find out they need to take a 5 hour bus ride and then a boat ride to get to their next middle-of-fucking-nowhere destination. Apparently the next challenge is to reenact the film “Deliverance”. The Lover Brothers are PSYCHED!

Team Big Bro gets to the bus station to find out that it’s closed so all the other teams will have time to catch up. I just hates that! This gives the teams time to reflect on the last leg. Team Beaver Cleaver says they recant the smack they talked about Team Big Bro because now they’re the team to beat.

“The dog speaks Spanish!” Yup. Definitely the team to beat. Ay Dios mio.

Meanwhile the rest of the teams talk about whether or not the cowboys are a threat. Well…

If you’re worried about being knocked up by one of their hats… I’d say the threat level is 50%.

The models are pissed because the lesbians asked where Ms Teen’s tiara was. Don’t get pissy – they just wanted it so they could melt it down and use it for metal-working.

Being the crafty lesbians they are, they decide to join forces with Joe and Heidi because Joe is strong and can speak Spanish. Yikes. They pick partners like they’re shopping outside of Home Depot.

All teams are now bussing it to Santiago, Chile. Once there, teams get in line to get tickets for the next bus trip. A Category 5 shit storm breaks out because Joe tries to save spots in the front for Team Beaver Cleaver. Team Private Dicks is NOT happy about it and their voices become more and more shrill as the situation gets worse.

Joe ends up buying FOUR tickets for the bus and – uh oh – they’re the LAST four tickets! The lesbians are then ballsy enough (go figure) to turn around and announce that everyone can get the next bus that leaves an hour later! BITCHAZ! Gotta love that they have no shame.

Teams are pissed and go looking to other terminals for better tickets. Grandma tries to stay positive and she’s really sweet about it. I can’t WAIT ’til she snaps and brains somebody with a knitting needle!

“OH – YOU DON’T THINK I COULD BENCH PRESS YOU?! Just KEEP smiling bitch. WHERE’S MY KNITTING NEEDLES?!!”

After doing some detective work, most teams, except for the actual detectives (sigh), find out that by taking a bus trip with a connection, they can actually get there faster. The Cowboys get better tickets, as do Team Big Bro and Team Such As – who are now working together! Wow – that might be too much pretty/stupid going on for a unification – it certainly didn’t work for Germany and Austria.

While Team Beaver Clear and Team Zzzzzz… finally take off on their one-way bus, the other teams take the short bus to Temuco. However, once there, the Cowboys realize that while their next connection is a bit later – their bus is at that station – while Team Big Bro and Team Such As were, unknowingly, suppose to go to another station for their connection. It’s all very “Who’s on first?” Sometimes I feel like I’m watching “Lost”.

The Cowboys have a cow-slappin’ good time watching the pretty boys and girls panic shit when they figure out their bus is at another station. Of course their reaction is “Well they’ll just HAVE to hold it for us!!!” Yes. Because Chilean bus lines are mostly known for their customer service and desire to please American tourists.

They make it to the station just in time… to get told their bus left. Bwah hahahaha! Even better, they scramble back to the first bus station just as the Cowboys get to wave goodbye!

“Yeeeeehaw! Get along little doggies!”

BTW my new favorite saying is “Oh my gravy!” The Cowboys love to say it. And I love gravy. I think I’m kind of in love with the Cowboys too. Sweet, charming AND they love gravy?! Uh… we could lead very happy lives.

Teams Pretty Stupid then frantically try to find another bus while all other teams begin to board busses at the very first station. How do they @$% up something like this?! If I was on the race my ass would’ve been parked RIGHT in front of that bus!

The Cowboys now arrive in Puerto Varas (1st place Cowboyeees!) while Quad Team Pretty Stupid is way behind. One of the Cowboys says he feels like he’s gonna see Juan Valdez and his burro at any time…

Study this map, Cowboy.

The Cowboys arrive to the next stop early and decided to “SNUGGLE” for the night since the entrance gate is closed til morning. Their words not mine. But I looooves it! Snugglin’ and makin’ some gravy!

The next morning, other teams begin to arrive. The area they’re in is BEAUTIFUL. I actually think it’s one of the nicest places “TAR” has gone in a long time. All it needs is a sprinkling of a film crew, money-hungry Americans and Phil! Ahhh just right!

The Cowboys make their way to the boat docks and are still the only team there. Cord mentions that he hopes they’re not swimming – he forgot trunks – but he HAS been skinny dipping before. Alright – that’s enough! These two are Playgirl poster children! I JUST KNOW IT!

Teams Pretty Stupid (if you haven’t figured it out yet it’s the name I’ve given to Team Big Bro and Team Such As) finally arrive to the lake as well. The lesbians are already in the boat but are getting sea-sick from all the waves.

Ugh. If they barf there’s gonna be tuna-smelling granola all over the place.

Meanwhile, Monique and Shawne are falling behind because of driving a stick shift. She says she hopes there are other teams that don’t know how to drive stick as well. There’s one I can think of – and they’re up ahead getting seasick on a boat.

Also having problems with the stick shift?! Team Lover Brothers! What the WHAT?!

Who would’ve thought he’d make this face when confronted with a handling a stick?

Oh – ya know why it wouldn’t work? THE EMERGENCY BRAKE WAS ON. Way to break stereotypes Jordan! I think Maria from last season did a better job than you do.

The Cowboys finally find the clue box and get their “DEETUUR”! Oh they crack me up. The Detour is “Llama Adoration” in which teams must pleasure a llama…

“Je adore… now get the nipple clamps and the whip.”

Or the Condor Challenge – which is to dress up like a Condor and hurl yourself off a dock into the lake and drown. In all seriousness – the llama challenge is to throw a friggin’ scarf and blanket on a llama while the other one – well – I was serious about that part. Who the hell’s gonna choose the condor one?!

The Cowboys choose the Llama Challenge and are followed by the lesbians (Team Beaver Cleaver). And then, Team Such As chooses the CONDOR challenge! I suppose I should be happy. This is going to be great.

Back at the Llama farm…

The cowboys take the whole “adoration” thing seriously and try to “jack” them. Luckily with Llamas, there’s always plenty of spit.

Turns out it worked because Jet, “The Llama Whisperer”, gets a good one and they dress it up in minutes. They get their next clue and are off to “Onces BellaVista Farm” and what looks like a first place win! Yeeeee haw!

Team Beaver Cleaver and Team Zzzzz are now trying to dress the llamas but one spits in Heidi’s face! AWESOME! If Jordan doesn’t nail this task he’s getting his gay card revoked.

Meanwhile over at the Condor challenge…

This guy’s beating the drum like he HATES it. And I’m guessing he’s been doing it for hours. I wonder how many enemies “TAR” makes around the world?

So Team Such as dresses up as a giant condor and take a long walk off a short pier…

Two birds… and me with not one stone. Pity.

They make it about 3 feet past the edge of the dock and drop like a pageant girl on Mario Lopez. But they manage to swim out and grab the clue anyways.

Hey Steve, How far is your heart gonna shoot out of your chest when you run and then plunge yourself in freezing water?! Yup. Thought so.

Team Private Dicks head over to the llama farm while the Lesbians wrastle themselves a llama and Team Zzzz still can’t pull it off.

Team Ma-neur makes it to the challenge and chooses the “Yamas”. Awww – good pronunciation – wrong language.

Team Big Bro is now doing the condor jump. They drop straight into the water too but make it to the buoy fine. They actually seem like a sweet couple. And many of you readers seem to love them. But I’m not on the boat yet. It takes more than personality and charm to win over ol’ bBitz! Like pecs. Helloooooo Cowboys!

And then there’s Team Lover Brothers. Still fucking around in the car and unable to find out where the hell they’re going. You know they’re livid they can’t use their iPhones.

Meanwhile Steve secures their place in the qualification round just in time for the free skate.

Back in last place, Team Before & After (Jody and Shannon) are trying to say positive. They are seriously so nice and SO positive that it’s incredibly hard to make a crack about them. Suffice it to say that I don’t think I’ll have to worry about writing about them for much longer.

Back with the brothers…

I would’ve put these two on the map above but it didn’t include CHINA.

Now would be a good time to release that emergency brake.

Back at… well the BACK, Granny and Shannon are still driving as well. Granny says she’s so glad to be with Shannon because out of all her grandchildren, she admires her the most. You can guess how many grandkids she has. Just take the number of self-inflicted gun shots you just heard and subtract it by Shannon.

Team Ma-neur catches up to the Private Dicks who are NOT happy. Especially since the sisters quickly complete the challenge and peace out! The Dicks don’t give up though and they finally trap a llama and dress it up. The llama then resents them for the rest of its life. Mission accomplished!

The Cowboys arrive to the final challenge of the leg…

And promptly reply, “Make the what?! Hey, we ain’t queer!”

Luckily for the boys, a “kuchen” is a German dessert and they only need to gather the ingredients for it around the farm. The task is ENTIRELY too easy though! Aside from milking the cow, everything’s easy to get. They could have at least made them squeeze the eggs out of the chickens or made them beat the butter… with their kuchen.

Cord flies through the task quickly and even stops for a bite of Kuchen. He LOVES it. Mmm hmm. “Oh my gravy!” The best part is he meets back up with Jet and teases him that it was a hard task and that he never tried the kuchen. Awww – these two are so cute together! I’m totally gonna wear a cowboy hat to their commitment ceremony.

Next at the farm, Team Zzzz (Joe & Heidi) and Team Beaver Cleaver. The ladies decide to work together and support each other as they milk the cows. Carol immediately paws at Heidi’s breasts for milk but is unsuccessful.

Inside the cow barn, Carol bitches about it being gross and unlike the 5 star hotels she’s used to. Luckily for us, the cow understands and promptly kicks her.

“How about a 5 star kick to your love muffin?”

Carol actually gets kicked in her hand – her good milking hand too! Oh, it’s also the one she uses to milk cows. Hey OH!

The girls get done just as Team Such As arrives. Model boy takes the challenge (if he takes a hoof to that perfect lil’ face there is a God) and Ms. Teen just stands around and spits. No, seriously. The lesbians say they really want to beat them because Caite’s so stupid. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think that just made me root for Caite.

Brent breezes through the challenge while Jeff is still milking the cow. And the Lover Brothers have now (FINALLY) arrived to the Llama challenge! HOLY SHIT. It might come down to them and…

“Let’s just enjoy the sights and enjoy the dickens out of it!” If I was Shannon, I probably would’ve snapped at this point, grabbed Granny and shook her while screaming, “YOU KNOW WHAT I’D ENJOY??! IF YOU’D SHUT UP AND MADE ME A MILLION DOLLARS!!! BECAUSE IF WE LOSE I’LL BE THE FIRST TO YANK YOUR LIFE SUPPORT!!!”

Another fucked team is the Private Dicks – who READ the clue that says “Once Bellavista” then READ the sign that says “Once Bellavista” and then KEEP DRIVING. LOL. How many bible-readings do you think they’ve crashed because they got the directions to a crackhouse wrong?

Team Ma-Neur and Team Father/Daughter are now at the farm milking away. We’ve heard ZERO about them really so either they’re just barely gonna make it or they’re boresville. I’m guessing both.

Meanwhile, Jordan is giving a little strip show to the female spectators at the Llama Farm…

If there was a raging bull in there too this would’ve been sooo much more entertaining.

Team Granny arrives right behind them and while Granny soothes the llamas with “La Cucuracha” (?!?!?!), her granddaughter suggests…

Yes. That’s EXACTLY what your team needs to do. Enjoy Elimination Station!

Up ahead at the finish line, the COWBOYS CHECK IN FIRST!!! Awesome – I love these two. And they win a sailboat! Which should be AWESOME to use in the landlocked farmland of Oklahoma.

Following with a close 2nd and 3rd – Team Zzzz and Team Beaver Cleaver. Meanwhile Team Ma-Neur and Team Father/Daughter finish the farm challenge while Team Such as comes in 4th.

Something tells me Ms. Big Brother should be the next Ms America.

Meanwhile, Jordan’s enjoying his time on the farm…

Umm Jordan… you’re not yanking on the udder.

While the Lover Brothers finish up at the farm, Team Granny finally arrives and Team Big Bro runs into the Private Dicks. Guess how excited the Private Dicks are that they…

Oh! Jordan loves “fill-in-the-blank”! “Is it FAHK?!? I WIN!”

So Team Private Dicks races back to the farm while Team Ma-Neur and Team Big Bro check in at the mat.

Team Private Dick is in such a rush that he wipes out in the kitchen and throws butter everywhere. Oy. These two are fuuuuuuck ups.

This was her reaction when someone told her what the Private Dicks do for a living.

Awww – then Granny gets kicked in the HEAD while she’s milking the cow. Poor, sweet lady just gets right back up again. I don’t know how much more of this I can watch. I really don’t want to see “TAR’s” first-ever casualty.

Team Father/Daughter check in as Team #7 and Team Lover Brothers as #8 while Team Dicks catch up with Granny.

THEY ACTUALLY TAKE A MOMENT TO EAT THE CAKE WHILE THEY’RE ALMOST IN LAST?! FAIL!!!

As they race to their car, Michael shouts, “Let’s drive it like we stole it!” How was THAT not the title of this episode?!

The final two teams race to the mat and UNFORTUNATELY Team Dicks beats out Team Granny. Awwwww…. Well it’s just as well. It can’t be easy for Phil to lug that defibrillator around all the time “just in case”.

Well… at least she can keep her shirt. If she adds a “should” to it. Love you Granny!

That’s it! What’d everyone think?! Surprised by the shuffle up?! Love the Cowboys?! Loathe anyone?! Come on kids – dish it!!!