The Amazing Race: Blame Jesus!

Hey kids! Last week we learned that the lesbians are inherently evil, kuchen tastes better than it sounds and Willie Nelson was wrong… Mamas you should let your babies grow up to be Cowboys! Why? Cause they’re kicking ass on “THE AMAZING RACE”!

Teams begin where they left off, in Chile. Our Cowboys are the first to take off and hop on a SIX HOUR BUS RIDE to Argentina! Ugh. If Greyhound is operating in Chile they should just give up now. I mean… have you ever used a restroom on those things? After six hours that bus is gonna smell like a rotten kuchen

Maybe don’t ask them what they had for dinner anymore. Yikes.

Next off, Team Zzzzz and the Lesbians head out. Meanwhile, the Cowboys wisely talk to some local girls to find out about where they’re headed to.

Yes. That’s exactly how many shots the Cowboys will need to sleep with you. NOW BACK OFF DORA! Keep those digits to your mapa!

Caite and Brent wake up to Caite yacking her brains out. Good times. I GUARANTEE if I was ever lucky enough to be on this race I would get sick. It always amazes me that people hardly ever get sick. I’d get the flu before we even made it to LAX. Anyways, they’re off to the hospital. That taxi they’re in is gonna have to be burned by the time they get there. You just can’t wash the smell of kuchen wretch out.

Next off, Team Ma-Neur and Team Big Bro head out.

While Caite takes the time to reenact her performance at the Ms. Teen Pageant.

All other teams depart with Team Such As last after their “IV” pick-me-up at the hospital. Let’s hope it was a mixture of fluids and cocaine in that thing. AKA The Chilean Rise N Shine. They gotta lotta ground to recover!

They end up running into the Private Dicks and are excited to see they’re not too far behind. I love how everyone looks at them like they have the plague!

“Oh? Food poisoning? You sure? Would you mind taking a step back and… oh… maybe swallowing this jug of bleach while we bath you in hand sanitizer?”

The Lesbians soon catch up to the Cowboys and start grilling them about how they got in the lead. I love how the LESBIANS are stereotyping the Cowboys as being stupid and are sooooo surprised. I’d LOVE it if the Cowboys said, “Well, I’m sure if there’s a Home Depot challenge or a Pants Suit challenge you’ll totally take the lead, RIGHT?!”

Teams take 2 different buses to Argentina and enjoy the sights along the way. Although I’m guessing Brent and Caite are enjoying the view of the bus lavatory most of the way? Can you imagine?! I DIE.

Teams all arrive and grab the cars that were reserved for them. However, everyone seems to follow the Cowboys. They catch on and pull over with a “We’re lost!” to let the other teams blow by. I hope it works. Especially because the Lesbians got all snotty about it. Look who’s bluffin’ with their muffin now!

The second bus of teams seem to be having a harder time. Team Such As gets lost while Team Lover Brothers stall their car out. Jordan decides to hop out and help.

Jordan then learns that not every problem can be solved by pushing it in the rear.

Team Cowboys, Lesbians and Zzzz all arrive at the saloon first and sit down to play the Roaming Gnome at 5 card stud. Apparently blatant product placements know how to play cards. Team Zzzz actually wins first while the Lesbians soon follow. The Cowboys are left behind with several losing hands.

Team Zzzz and the Lesbians discover what the next Road Block is… Steer roping! HAHAHA… The Lesbians are gonna SHIT when they see the Cowboys breeze through this. They’re totally gonna demand that there be a clam-eating / ice cream cone-licking contest in the future.

The Cowboys finally finish and join and Jet’s comment is “I saw the ropes – I don’t know what we’re doing – but I like it!” Ahhh love it. And RIIIIGHT away the Lesbians start bitching! Cord makes a good point that they didn’t bitch when the Lesbians knew Spanish but they didn’t. Wow! Good point! I thought for sure he was gonna go with “Lesbians are a waste of vagina” argument. Which personally I disagree with. One man’s trash is another woman’s treasure.

Team Big Bro catches up and gets to the card challenge just as Cord ropes the “straw steer” on his 2nd try. Ummm kinda hot. Meanwhile Carol is….well…

Once again, foiled by limp rope that could change her life forever.

However, she’s the next to lasso a steer! Well hot diggity beaver! The Lesbians are off, as are Team Zzzz while Jeff is still trying.

Awww Brent and Caite are miserable and driving around while arguing. Usually I’d make fun of people in this situation but I can totally relate. If I was sick I’d be driving around looking for Phil to tell him to take the Roaming Gnome and shove it.

Steve & Allie finish the card game and are off to lasso while the Cowboys and Lesbians are still looking for the next clue by cliffs overlooking the river. The Cowboys get there first and find the next “DETUUURRR!” It’s “Horse Sense” or “Horse Power”!

In “Horse Sense”…

Teams must juggle a loaded gun for 5 minutes without murdering themselves or their teammate.

I kid. But wouldn’t that be great TV?! Actually they just have to follow an old timey map and find buried treasure. Meh. Oh wait – are there land mines?! (Side note: WTF does this have to do with horses?!)

In “Horse Power” teams must motorboat Angelina Jolie’s muffin until she orgasms 3 times… JUST KIDDING! Fooled you Lesbians! I bet your SO PISSED I was kidding!

In “Horse Power” teams must ride these adorable looking things and play polo. Awww. I bet this is what the Cowboys had when they were young… to practice the love makin’.

The Cowboys, of course, go for the horses while Big Bro Jeff finally lassos his steer. Old Timer Steve quickly ropes his and this father/daughter team manages the least of amount of screen time so far this season. Something’s up with these two. Dear God I wonder if they’re lovers. Let’s run with it!

While the Cowboys play polo on the field it sounds like someone’s running a turbine right next to them. I don’t get it until we get this shot…

Really “TAR”?! You needed to rent a helicopter for this shot?! Wow. That’s some National Geographic shit right there. You could’ve filmed Anywhere Midwest, USA and inserted it without ever causing suspicion. If I was Phil I’d be pissed they cut my nip n’ tuck out of the budget for this.

Back in their car, the Lesbians are getting testy testicles with each other over the directions! They finally find the river while arguing and I imagine there will be blood when they see the Cowboys halfway done.

Meanwhile, this sweet Argentinian uses her traffic cones to warn Team Zzz they’re going in the wrong direction. That should wake him up! Aye carumba!

While the Cowboys finish up their game, the Lesbians choose “Horse Sense” and head out while snatching at each other. Snatching? I think I just made that up. But it sounds entirely appropriate.

The Cowboys then get their next clue on the bottom of their Polo trophy…

I know they’re smart Cowboys but I still kind of expect them to say, “Oh my gravy! The letters are jumbled on this one!”

Holy Crap! It turns out that’s the next pitstop!!! We’re only halfway through the episode and they’re already on their way to the pitstop! Yeeeee haw!

Buddy, I’d stop screwing around with those guns cause you’re gonna need them loaded and ready when the enraged Lesbians find you. And I hope those are silver bullets.

Back at the CARD GAME, the Lover Brothers are finally getting to that point. I almost forgot about them. Pick it up fellas! Though it’s no surprise the Lesbians are kicking there ass. I love how this show can break stereotypes (Cowboys) and play right into them (case in point) at the same time! At least the “straight” one’s doing the lassoing.

Up ahead, Team Big Bro is starting out on “Horse Sense” while the Lesbians start digging at, what I’m guessing is, a wrong spot. Unless there’s a box of lipstick wrapped in flannel down there, someone’s gonna be aaaaangry!

Team Zzzz chooses the “Horse Sense” challenge because Joe has a compass on his watch. Wow! Good thinking Joe! That might be the first interesting thing about you! I mean – I may have changed my mind about you because— Zzzzzzzzzz…. Nope, lost me again.

Oh wait! He then turns to Heidi and says, “We don’t need those numbers! The steps are for those that don’t have a compass!” Ooohhh… now you’re a pompous ass. Congrats! I hope Heidi makes him eat those words AND the watch when they get lost.

Meanwhile, Steve and Allie are running to catch up when he falls and breaks his hip. Granny should’ve really left her scooter behind. Just kidding. He hops right back up. Sans dignity.

Luckily, Allie laughs at him and earns herself a bitch slap when the cameras stop rolling.

Then, lost in the fields of Argentina, the UNTHINKABLE happens!

A lesbian is driven to madness and LITTERS!!! She is SO not invited to Al Gore’s “Ladies Who Lunch” event this spring.

We see an interview of the two, at the end of the day, in which they explain what they were feeling. I hate this. It really ruins the “will they or won’t they gut each other in the middle of Argentina” suspense. Anyways, they end up changing to the horse challenge. Thank God real horses aren’t being used.

Back at the back of the race…

And you’re horrible at choosing racing partners. I’d call it even. And BTW – are you really throwing stones about how to read a MAP?! I would think any subject regarding “maps” is off limits to you for the rest of your life.

Caite continues to bitch that Brent can’t drive a stick shift but she can. GOOD LORD?! WHO THE HELL GOES ON “TAR” WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO DRIVE STICK?!!? It’s like the ONE thing you can plan ahead on!!!

Back at the ropes challenge, Team Ma-neur and Team Dicks struggle…

While Lover Brother Dan ropes a queer — STEER. I meant steer!

Well… either way by the looks of it.

Out in the fields, Team Big Bro finds their buried loot but turns it into the wrong bandit!

Who’s the doppleganger of “Martin Keamy” on “Lost”. Go ahead, Google it. I did.

While Team Zzzz finds the wrong loot and turns it into the right guy, Team Big Bro finds the right loot and turns it into the wrong guy. Clusterfuck City! No one’s gonna find shit after these bags have gotten all mixed up.

Team Dicks lasso their steer while Team Ma-Neur is left behind. And up a the polo game…

Steve shows us how to throw your back out. Side-saddle dammit!

Carol says, “Pretend it’s my face!” Wait. Is she talking about the ball or the horse?

Steve winces painfully over the finish line while Team Zzzz takes a spill!

Since when does a PA/Producer rush to a team’s aid!? They’re suppose to let them crash and burn! RATINGS, PEOPLE! Let’s keep our eye on the prize!

Meanwhile, waaaaaaay behind, Team Such as wins their card game and Brent starts trying to lasso a “steer”. Looks like it’s between them and Team Ma-Neur for last place – until Brent lasso’s it on his 2nd try!

She gets it! And as soon as she utters, “Please Jesus!” it slips right off. Ahhh cracks me up every time. It’s like Jesus is screaming, “Yeah – I got world wars, famine, earth quakes and Karl Rove to deal with – but let me get right to helping you win a million dollars! You know what?!” SLIP!

Side note: Where the hell did they find that many fake steer heads in Argentina?!

Team Ma-neur finally gets it! Jesus must’ve rearranged some priorities. Sorry about those after-shocks Chile!

Oh my gravy! The cowboys reach the mat and are TEAM NUMER ONE! AGAIN! And they win a trip for 2 to Patagonia! How romantic!

Phil asks the boys about their giant belt buckles, to which the boys reply…

“It’s how we gird our loins from them thar Lesbians!”

They actually replied, “We go much faster than if we had our pants around our ankles.” WOW. Ummm not always. I’ll leave it at that.

Meanwhile, Team Dicks try to map out where to find their loot…

“The hatch is over there, which means if we make a left at the statue with four toes, we should arrive to the Swan by midday.”

I love how they play the “bumble fuck” music whenever the “Dicks” are on. Classic. Although it definitely works for the Lover Brothers as well. Best part is that the dicks find Team Big Bro’s loot for them. Thanks boys! And Team Big Bro finally figures out that they’re bringing it to the wrong person…

Thank God this was caught on tape. It can be used against them if they ever try, right?!

Surprisingly, Steve and Allie check in as Team #2! Wow! They raced so fast they blew by most of the cameras! Right behind them, the Lesbians check in as #3. They hug, kiss and make up. Darn it.

Back on the polo field, the Lover Brothers spend time picking out the cute polo outfits and fart around on the field. Jordan’s funny but if I was that far behind I’d be a little more “LET’S DO THIS!!!” and a little less “The blue jersey matches my pants!”

Up at the front, Team Zzzz checks in while Team Ma-neur and Team Such As finally arrive to the Polo field. Just in time to see Team Lover Brothers fall about 10 feet short of the goal. I give Jordan credit, he stays really calm as his brother fucks up the last shot.

As the other teams flail about, Jordan reigns in his talent for ball-handling and starts whacking away at it with brute force! They complete the challenge and head out as Team Big Bro checks in as Team #5. Girl Jordan cracks me up – she totally busts on Phil for being enigmatic.

Team Such As crosses the polo line leaving Team Ma-neur and Team Dicks to fight for last. And it doesn’t look good for the Moms. ESPECIALLY since they just decided to switch to the other detour! OH MY GRAVY!

Team Such as and Team Dicks then check in as #7 and #8. Approximately 3 days later, the sad music plays and Team Ma-Neur checks in as Team #9 – the last team. They cry and talk about how beautiful the world and its people are. Awww. Of course we get to see how nice these women are just as Phil declares, “ELIMINATED!”

Personally, I’d blame Jesus.

And that’s it! This was a pretty great episode – a little of everything! What’s everyone think so far?! Did I miss anything?! Surprised by the Cunning Cowboys?! Love the Lethal the Lesbians?! And how awesome does next week look with drunk Cowboys and the gays pairing up?! Come on kids – love to hear from ya – DISH IT!!!