The Amazing Race: Remorse Code!

Hey kids! Sorry for the delay… don’t be mad like, ya know, angry lesbians that might gut me and feast on my internal organs while I’m still alive. “But they’re just friendly lady lovers!” you might say. No. Maybe they once were but now they are Satan’s little muffin lovin’ children. WHY!? Because they’ve chosen the dark path of “THE AMAZING RACE”!

Teams start off where they left in Hamburg, Germany and the Private Dicks will be the first to head out. I’m still in shock that these two are in first. I blame The Beatles. However, there’s a little twist this leg! Teams are being bussed to a random location and starting from there! That’s pretty neat. Although it would’ve been much cooler if they drugged them and woke them up while they were all dangling over a cliff. Just saying. WHY am I not working for this show?!

While on the bus, teams all make grand resolutions of how awesome they’re gonna be in the next round – especially Joe from Team Zzzzz…

One can only hope that the kilo of coke they scored is gonna get them through.

While Joe brags about how awesome he is on one leg, the Private Dicks slowly simmer and bitch about how Joe has it coming to him. They DO not like Joe for some reason. I would love it if Joe started bragging he was “more Italian” than the two of them. That bus would’ve flipped in under 5 seconds.

Once in the undisclosed location…

Lord Fauntelroy: “Who the bloody hell is on my lawn?! Is that a film crew? Oh my! Are they filming a sequel to “Goodfellas”!?”

Teams start heading off from the location (they’re clearly in France) and are told to head to a “Boulangerie” in…

The Dicks TOTALLY pronounced this “Saint Man Hole”. I died laughing.

The Dicks brag that the race is just like being a cop – dirty and no sleep. How much you wanna bet they’re just security guards for the local market?

Next off is Team Daddy Daughter. Yet another team I’d never guess to be in the lead. They’re a cute team though. They haven’t ripped into each other yet which is more than I can say for most of the teams.

Team Zzzzz heads out while loving each other (“I love you!” “No I love YOU!”….BLARG!) and the Cowboys are close behind them. And of course they don’t know what a “bah-goo-ett” is.

After feasting upon a baby kitten, the Lesbians head out and then make a promise that it’s them against everyone else. Goooo team! Vicious.

The Lover Brothers then head out and celebrate having an automatic car. Wait until they find out they’re headed to the down of Saint Man Hole. They’re gonna lose their shit.

Team Dicks finally arrive to the Boulangerie. YUM. After I wiped most of the drool of my screen, I see them receiving their baguette – with the clue baked inside!

My dream job. Work in a French bakery where my only labor is to hand a loaf of bread to the baker.

Team Daddy/Daughter arrives in the small town while Team Zzzz… is looking for the “bagel shop”. I hope he gets to the baker and throws a fit when the baguettes aren’t round.

However, by the looks of it, his taste isn’t all that refined. Pick a winner Joe!

Meanwhile, Team Such As is excited to get to the bakery because, as Caite puts it, she wants to take the baguette and “shove it down my throat”. Sometimes this shit just writes itself.

The Private Dicks make it to the Detour first and have to choose between “In the Trenches” or “Under Fire”. “In the Trenches” requires them to translate morse code while shit blows up all around them, while in “Under Fire” they must crawl through a maze while shit blows up around them. Either way, shit…blowing up.

“I feel like I’m the hulk and I’m gonna rip out of this.” Oh shit. This is where the whole cast dies from exploding cotton shrapnel.

The Cowboys pick up their baguette with the Lesbians right behind them. The Lover Brothers pick theirs up as well. And finally, Team Such As finds their way and chows down. Ms Teen said she was gonna deep throat but…

He’s a pro.

Team Daddy/Daughter and Team Zzzz… arrive to the detour as Team Dicks start heading through.

The best detectives money can buy. And way to make a WWII vet spit out his teeth.

Back at the start, Team Big Bro is finally taking off. They say they’re kick ass even more now that they’re so behind. They then get completely lost for the next 20 minutes. High hopes kids… high hopes. Stay in school.

Up ahead at WW3, the Private Dicks are dragging their fat asses through the course. Louie is just about to have a heart attack. Seriously. Does it ever come to mind for any of these teams to get in shape a bit before the race? Or maybe learn to drive a standard car? It’s the little things.

The Private Dicks finally reach the messenger and must crawl back to deliver it. Meanwhile, Team Zzzz and Team Daddy/Daughter are beginning to catch up. Get the lead out Louie!

The Lesbians and Lover Brothers finally found the Detour by using their wit…

Elementary my dear Watson!

Surprisingly, the Cowboys are slightly behind them. Pick it up boys! The Private Dicks have already finished and this is while Louie is hacking up his spleen. They make it to the “U-Turn” though and DECIDE TO U-TURN TEAM ZZZZ! OH SHIT! That’s cruel – screw the bombs, Joe’s knee is going to EXPLODE.

I shit you not, Brent’s reaction to this was “Oh cool – they’re up in some sort of flying things.” If these two procreate, I give up on humanity.

Team Such as finally arrives and decides to crawl, as do Team Lover Brothers. Apparently they’ll be good on all fours. HEY OH! That is , if they make it there. Jordan seems to be having a difficult time running AND making jazz hands at the same time.

Everyone’s crawling now and shit’s blowing up everywhere. While Jordan puts on the “Jordan Show” as they crawl across, the Lesbians are BITCHING about having to do it.

Let’s check in on how well Team Big Bro is doing…

Yup, that sums it up.

Team Daddy/Daughter and Team Zzzz finish their detour and head toward the clue box to find out they got SCREEEEEWED by the Private Dicks!

Team Private Dicks are tooootally not gonna get invited to their Annual Zzzzzz…. What?! Huh?! Where am I?! Oh. These two. Nevermind. It’ll blow.

So Team Zzzz… heads over to the morse code challenge and (bitterly) start the task. Meanwhile the Dicks make it to the next clue box (they’re well in the lead) and find out the next task is to ride an antique bike (a la old-fashioned Tour du France style) to the pit stop which is 4 miles away.

It would’ve been so awesome if this was the bicycle they had to drive.

Yikes. “Private Dicks” just took it to a whole other level.

Back at the trenches, Team Zzzz is still trying to figure out the morse code and it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be…

“I think I just ‘ . . . . . . . . . – ‘ myself.”

The Lover Brothers and Cowboys finally make it across the trenches and get their message…

While Fat Jean Reno tells Team Zzzz… they’re way off.

Team Big Bro is still looking all over the place for the Detour. I wonder if it’s going to be hard for Phil to find them and tell them they’re eliminated. I hope the “TAR” bus can find them where ever the hell they are.

At the trenches, the Cowboys are impressed by all of the explosions and say it’s “pretty real for a deetuuuur”! Meanwhile…

Brandy dropped her “rabbit” and can’t find it anywhere.

The Lesbians are PISSED that they have to crawl around in the dirt. Ugh – they’re ALWAYS complaining about the challenge like they’re being forced to compete. I know they’d be happier if it was carpet, but it’s the “Amazing Race” – deal with it!

Oh. Did the contract say “Weekend at Sandals” at the top of it? Just wondering.

On the other hand, Carol’s reaction when she breaks a nail isn’t much better.

The best part is, after all the fun the Lesbians made of Ms. Teen – HER reaction is a “Woo! This is fun!” Awesome. I mean, I’m sure Ms Teen thinks she’s at a theme park or something, but she’s having a good time!

What is “Sign up for ‘The Amazing Race’ and then cry/bitch about everything?”, Alex?

Over at the “Morse Code Challenge”, Team Zzzz isn’t doing very well. Come on Joe! You’re on TWO legs now! Imagine how good you should be doing!

The Lesbians are now finished with the trenches while Team Daddy/Daughter is racing to 2nd place. Up ahead, Team Dicks take FIRST PLACE yet again! Wow. I am seriously shocked. They win a big TV. Perfect. Exactly what Louie needs. More time on the couch. Why don’t you throw in a triple stack of pancakes and a sausage pie, Phil?

Live from “The Jordan Show”, “I don’t like guns, I like swords.” Ugh. We get it, Kathy Griffin.

The Cowboys then going running by the Lover Brothers who seem to just mosey along. It kind of pisses me off that they seem very “Well… we’ll get there when we get there” about everything. MOVE!

Up ahead, Team Daddy/Daughter come in 2nd and manage to make it through another episode without any of us being able to form an opinion one way or the other about them! Congrats!

Back at the trenches, Team Zzzz is still stuck at “Morse Code” while Team Such As finishes up and reads the “head south to the clue box” clue.

Oh shit. Hide the shovels or Ms Teen’s gonna start digging. “Don’t stop until we’ve hit The South Africa!”

Of course, they head off in the wrong direction because they think “south” means “down the road”. Oh boy. I discover something new about stupid people every time I watch this show.

Up ahead, Team Lover Brothers bicker their way into 4th place. Meanwhile, Team Big Bro FINALLY finds the detour but must complete their road bump first. I’d say they’re beyond screwed but Team Zzzz isn’t making any progress with the morse code. Team Big Bro has to pile sticks in the trench to reinforce the wall. Not too tough. Maybe someone could throw water on them while they do it? I mean, am I the ONLY one concerned with ratings here?! And yet, they may never get there if Jordan doesn’t learn how to tie her shoes. I mean, seriously, sometimes I wanna give up.

Selfish. We all know this should be a homicide/suicide.

At the finish line, the Lesbians check in as #5 and Phil is spared their wrath. If they ever come in last he’s gonna lose those eyebrows.

On the other hand, Team Such As catches up but only because they skipped the clue box that leads them to the “bicycle” clue and hop right on the bikes. Well, at least they’re being proactive. Right? (sigh) They check in as Team #6 BUT…

Take a guess what Phil says between these two shot shots.

So Team Such As hops back on their bikes in search of the lost clue box. They ride off in the sunset, heading South by Southfucked.

Back at the trenches, Team Big Bro is stacking sticks while Team Zzzz… is STILL trying at the Morse Code. Joe’s gonna take his bum leg off and beat the Private Dicks with it when he gets to the pit stop.

NOPE. Wrong again. Wouldn’t be awesome if it was something random, like “Petting an Angry Chinchilla”? Better yet, I think at this point it should read, “You have been eliminated from the race.”

Team Big Bro finishes their Speed Bump quickly and luckily for them, they choose to crawl instead of mind fuck their way through Morse Code.

Team Such As finally makes it to the right clue box and almost shit themselves when they realize they could’ve gotten U-Turned. That would have been an AWESOME reaction shot if they had.

Meanwhile, Jordan slowly does the “I could give a shit less because I’ve already won a million dollars” crawl through the detour.

Good lord don’t tell her that! She’ll literally take out the implants and then proceed!

Meanwhile, Team Big Bro finds their messenger in the trenches…

Question, how fun is it to be a PA on “The Amazing Race”?!

Back with Team Zzzz at Morse Code..

“E…L…I…M…I…N…A…T…E…D… OH SON OF A !@$%!”

On the other side, Team Big Bro finishes the trench and head off to the bikes while Team Zzzz has started to admit defeat. Yikes. Probably best that these two weren’t actually fighting in WWII. I’ve never really enjoyed sauerkraut.

Up at the pit stop, Team Such As finally check in as Team #6 and… Team Big Bro makes it in (WOW) as Team #7!

Sadly, back at the trenches, defeat has settled in…

You wouldn’t give them a bump of coke.

Phil finally appears in the trenches, after what seems like hours, and let’s Team Zzzz know they have been eliminated.

“The word was… ‘CAT’.” How awesome would that have been?!?

It was “We will prevail. Vive la France.” Ouch. Irony, anyone?!

That’s it! This was a pretty awesome episode. I love stuff that is a little more challenging instead of easy crap. It really brings out the worst/best in teams. What did everyone think? Any favorite parts? Predictions? Hit me up folks! Come on and dish it!!!