The Amazing Race: She’s Got Hiiiigh Hopes!

Time for the Germany leg we’ve all been waiting for! How do we know when we’re in Germany?! Cause when lipstick goes from butch to bitch, you know you’re watching “THE AMAZING RACE” German-style! SHIZA!

Our lovable Cowboys are the first to depart and discover they’re off to Hamburg, Germany! Yeah! They must be so psyched to be headed to the home of the Whopper. (You know they’re thinking it.)

The Private Dicks head off and are pissed that they’re not doing better than they thought they would. Ya think they might correlate that with athletic ability and smarts by any chance?

Meanwhile, the Lesbians, after a morning breakfast of baby limbs and Care Bear hearts, head out and promise to respect each other. We can only hope… otherwise.

The Lover Brothers take off and Dan complains that he hates to travel. WHO hates to travel?! I don’t get it!? Why would you ever be like, “Nah – I’d rather see the same shit and experience nothing new for the rest of my life.” Ugh. That has to be one of the worst traits I can think of in someone. Except when someone pronounces “white” as “wha-ite”. MURDER.

All teams hop on flights to Hamburg via two different flights. Once they arrive everyone hauls ass…

The lady in black is totally thinking, “Did Lillith Fair tickets just go on sale?! SLOW DOWN!”

The Lesbians and Lover Brothers then arrive to the train just as it pulls away…

Brandy then realizes her parents were right and it really was “just a phase in college”.

Other teams then catch up to them while the Private Dicks and Cowboys leap ahead on the train. The boys get to the clue box which is an “Intersection” in which they must work together. The task? Two of them must bungee jump together from 150ft up. I would be SERIOUSLY nervous being strapped to the 300lb Private Dick. I hope that rope’s reinforced.

They then get a clue from the bra of this pregnant German chick.

The other teams then arrive on the next train and start to team up at the intersection. Team Zzzz says they want to team up with Steve and Allie because THEY come from a good family. I think that’s a crack at the Lesbians/Gays but I’m not sure. Or maybe it’s because the Lesbians appear to be born of Lucifer and Jordan from Liza.

Jordan and Brandy decide to team up for the dive. Jordan says Carol is like the lesbian Aunt that he always wanted. I guess that makes Brandy the little brother he always wanted. Brandy’s not excited about the jump at all. I would NOT wanna be strapped to her on the way down.

Next up, the meeting of the minds, Caite and Jordan decide to join IQ’s so we can see how an 8th grader might do on the race. They immediately get on a train going in the wrong direction. My bad. I meant 4th grader.

Jet & Michael make it to the bungee jump first where some German guys greet them with:

If it involves lube and something called an “UBER SHIZA!!!”… RUN.

Michael tells Jet they have the most dangerous jobs so they’ll be fine. I SO wish Jet would’ve turned and said, “I ride angry bulls and you… might choke on a donut?”

THE BEST is when it makes Jet nervous that they all yell “GOOD LUCK!” That’s awesome. BUT they didn’t need it – they had Jet’s hat – that never came off!!! What a cowboy. Giddy up!

By the time Joe & Allie arrive, Jet and Michael have left. Then Brandy & Dan arrive. I think they should all pair up like this more often. Joe & Allie almost make a halfway interesting team together. Only because I think Joe’s gonna try and feel her up on the way down though. He’s SO John Gosselin. They jump and…

Allie lost her virginity right around there.

Brandy watches from the ground and isn’t happy…

She’s like the love child of Lewis Black and Ellen.

The Dicks and Cowboys head out and back to their partners. The next clue is to look for the statue of Kaiser Wilhelm. The Private Dicks grab a taxi with “Edga” (her parents hated her from the get go apparently) and head off.

Brandy and Dan then take the plunge…

And Dan has his balls torn off around here…

They then head out while the Dicks (how are they beating the Cowboys?! Damn you Edga!) arrive to the Detour: Soccer or Sauerkraut. In soccer, teams must shoot through 5 targets on a soccer field (and make out with David Beckham?!!? No?! Fuck you Phil!) and in Sauerkraut, teams must eat a whole plate of it before musicians finish a song. Ugh. EASY!!! I hope the song is like 15 seconds long. I wanna see the Dicks hurl.

Caite & Jordan take the bungee jump and luckily suffer no more brain damage.

Up at the Sauerkraut challenge, big surprise, the Private Dicks INHALED their plate…

Even Viggo from Ghostbusters is impressed. Now bring him the baby!

Now the Dicks must head off to a bar and share a giant beer. SERIOUSLY WTF?! Did the Frat brothers from Season 13 plan this leg of the race?!

All teams seem to start catching up, although for some reason Team Big Bro decides to take a train to Kaiser Wilhelm instead of taking taxis like the others. The Private Dicks, now well in the lead, arrive at the pub. And get this, MICHAEL, says he doesn’t drink beer!! WHAT?! I guess he’s a Apple Martini kinda guy. He’s SO Samantha.

Team Daddy/Daughter and Team Zzzz then arrive at the soccer stadium. I’m sorry, but Joe, you’re knee is about to explode, and you choose the KICKING detour over eating?! FAIL. I hope Heidi turns and kicks YOUR balls.

On the other side of town, Team Big Bro decides to eat the Sauerkraut…

Jeff: “You better shove it down like nobody’s business!” Everyone at home: “THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!!!”

Team Daddy/Daughter finishes the soccer challenge and their success convinces Team Zzzz to give up and head over to the sauerkraut. Seriously – what the fuck was Joe thinking?! Team Cowboys shows up to kick some balls just as they leave. They seem to be pretty good with their balls. As I suspected.

While chugging, Louis tells us that he used to chug beers in college…

I think we all speak for Michael when we say, “NO SHIT.”

They finish the challenge and at told to head to “Beatles-Platz”, then they’ll have to run through the red light district, collect 3 different STD’s and find the club where the Beatles first played in Hamburg.

Meanwhile, Caite is getting impatient with Brent…

Take it down a notch, Justin Bieber.

Back with Team Big Bro, their taxi driver seems to be bringing them to…

Cabby: “No it’s cool, just gonna drop you off up here at the intersection of Rape and Murder.”

Up at the front of the race, Edga tells the Private Dicks about the area they’re going to visit…

Perfect! Get a pint, dance at Sprockets and buy that leather mask with the zipper mouth you’ve been eyeing.

They blow by the pubs, discos and “Der Fuchen Shoppe” and quickly arrive at the pit stop as TEAM #1!!! WOW. Definitely did not think these two would ever get first place.

And btw…

If the real Beatles looked this good they would’ve never broken up. Side note: Dear Travelocity, If I give you a shout out enough would you give me a trip to Germany? CUTENESS!

I might also add that I think this is the 2nd time “TAR” has EVER had a good looking greeter at the mat. Czech Republic being the only other one. Thoughts?

HOLY SHIT – and they both win a $5000 gift card. I’d be PISSED if I was a previous leg winner. That trip to Patagonia’s probably gonna cost about $300 bucks not including the money you lose paying your partner’s ransom.

Back at the soccer field, The Cowboys handle their balls well and pass the test. While up ahead, Steve CHUGS the whole boot of beer all by himself! Awesome. Let’s hope it brings some personality out. Wild Child? Drunk Dialer? Domestic Abuser? Ya know – anything.

Up ahead with Team Zzzz at the Sauerkraut challenge, Joe swallows the whole plate and they win the clue right away…

Ok seriously Travelocity, I’ll give you a couple hours to gift me a Germany ticket. Otherwise, I’m just buying my own.

Up next at the Sauerkraut challenge, the Lesbians dive right in.

But Brandy goes down on the wrong dish and gets a pube stuck in her teeth. (YEAH! Grossest joke I’ve ever made on TVgasm!)

Carol says she couldn’t eat too fast because of her gag reflex. Silly amateur Lesbians. Jordan would have that shit down before he realized he swallowed.

But instead he’s off sucking at soccer. Luckily Dan is getting them all in though.

The Lesbians finish their plate the first time through while the Lover Brothers finish scoring and they’re all off to the pub now – which the Cowboys and Team Zzzz have just arrived to.

The Cowboys get their beer and Cord says, “I’ve never drank a beer my whole life!” WHAT?!?! I don’t understand!!! Where the hell are the stereotypes in this show?! It makes it very difficult to make cracks. So then poor Jet has to drink most of it and it’s bigger than him. Ugh. And here I was hoping “Experiment with Each Other” was gonna be the next challenge. You know the Lover Brothers have their fingers crossed.

Up ahead, Team Daddy/Daughter check in as Team #2 – another shocker. Back at the pub, Team Zzzz and the Cowboys are having a rough time with the beer.

Then Joe finishes and lets out a burp that sounds like he sharted in his mouth. HOT.

Team Big Bro finally makes it to the Sauerkraut challenge but…

Apparently Helen Keller would’ve had a better shot at this challenge than Jordan.

They lose the Sauerkraut challenge after one try and storm off to the Soccer challenge. However, Jeff is my new hero for saying he hopes someone’s “fallen off a bridge with cement shoes on”. Telling it like it is!

Things then turn tragic as Team Such As is at the soccer field. Caite’s apparently a soccer pro but her leg hurts and she’s screaming in pain every time she makes a shot. It sounds awful. She’s like screaming in pain. Ugh. Make it stop! Say something stupid it’s much more entertaining!

Up ahead at the pub, the Lesbians find their arch enemies, the Cowboys, about 1/2 way through their beer. Jet greets them with a sniff and a drunken, “Good luck!” LOL. Love it. They better get movin’ though because Team Zzzz has just checked in at the pit stop.

Yikes. Shit Faced and Wasted are not looking so good! Get ‘er done!

They finish the beer after a bit (I have to admit, if the Lesbians walked in and slammed that beer in under 5 minutes I would’ve taken back everything I’ve said) and head back out to their taxi. Too bad part of the challenge wasn’t for them to take bicycles to the next pit stop. That would’ve ROCKED!

I truly hope their Cabbie scotch-guarded that backseat.

The Lesbians actually did a pretty good job with the beer and head off to the pit stop as Team Such As grunts through the soccer challenge and gets their clue.

As the Lesbians leave the pub, Team Lover Brothers arrive and are not happy about the size of the beer…

Baby? About? Happy? I don’t get it.

Up ahead, the Drunkie Cowboys check in as Team #4 while back at the soccer field Team Big Bro is struggling to get their soccer goals. Team Lover Brothers polish off their boot (thank goodness for Jordan’s shoe-fetish) and make a break to beat the Lesbians to the mat.

BTW were they at a gay bar?! “Auf wiedersehen, Jordan!”

The Lesbians check in as Team #5 as Team Such As reaches the beer challenge…

Oh good Lord Ms Teen, it’s not like it’s Smart Food, just drink it.

The Lover Brothers arrive, rather toasted, to the pit stop and take Team #6. Back in last place, Team Big Bro is still shooting goals and their only hope is beating Team Such As – which could happen since Brent is…

Hey! That’s Carol’s job! (Get it? GET IT?!)

Brent finally forces the rest of the beer down and they leave just as Team Big Bro arrives. Unless Team Such As fucks up the directions, it looks like Jeff & Jordan are on the cutting block. But Jeff, being the hot jock he is, pounds the brewski and they head out. It could be close!

Both teams wander the red light district and Team Such As gets to the pit stop first!

But Brent’s never looked like a tool box more than this moment. Just sayin’.

Caite starts to cry which is actually kind of sweet. It’s nice to know she cares enough.

Team Big Bro then finally arrives AND THEY’RE SAVED BY A NON-ELIMINATION ROUND! Wow – that’s kind of great but at the same time, they didn’t seem as thrilled as they should be. GOD DAMN IT DANCE FOR US! I think Phil should reserve the right to be like “Ya know what – you’re not excited enough – fuck you – you’re done. Here’s $5 and a coupon for a taxi to the nearest bus stop. Best of luck on your trip home.”

And that’s it! What did everyone think?! The challenges seemed a little too easy. Eat, drink and kick?! They could’ve at least done the bungee jump over a pile of burning books. I mean it WAS Germany. Come on kids and DISH IT!!!