The Amazing Race: The Death of Justin Bieber

Last week we all learned the Private Dicks are more prickish than dickish (just ask Team Zzzz), Team Big Bro has probably used all the “lucky breaks” they’ve had coming to them and finally, we should all be thankful that none of these people had a chance to fight against the Germans. Why? Because if they had, I’d surely be writing, “Gutentag! Meine damen und herren, dies ist “The Amazing Master Race!”

Teams begin in the fields of France and the Private Dicks take off first (can you believe it?!) to the city of Reims, France. Once there, they must find a statue of Joan of Arc and a lady playing a “singing sword”. Ironic since these two were probably up all night playing “find the singing sword”.

Michael tells us that the cold weather of France is nothing like living in New England and that usually he’d be getting his newspaper in his boxers. Michael, I believe I speak for all of your neighbors when I say, “Please don’t.”

“Oh lord. Honey! Michael’s emptying his shitter again!”

I love how these two continue to BRAG about being so awesome when that’s why they “U-Turned” Joe and Heidi. In the words of the great Justin Timberlake, “What goes around comes around.” And I hope you two both get knocked up by K-Fed.

Next off, Team Daddy/Daughter get a little lost and she snaps a little at him. WHAT?! Do I detect some emotion/personality from these two?!

The Cowboys head out and can’t find “Reims” on the map. Jet suggests stopping at a 7-11. I think he’s kidding but I hope he’s not. I’d love to see what 16 hour old hot dogs in France look like.

The Lover Brothers and Lesbians start out in good spirits. The Lesbians comment that they love the area but Carol tells Brandy, “I don’t know if you could find your oils here.” Gross. I knew she was a sex robot.

And I don’t wanna know what happens when she’s properly oiled.

Meanwhile the Lover Brothers, aren’t doing so well with the language barrier. A french woman tells them to look for the “Cathedral” and they hear…

Yes. Cathy Drone. Find some French lady named “Cathy Drone” and slay her with your singing sword. Morons.

Dan goes on to say, “People do not speak very good English here.” You mean they don’t speak it “WELL”?! I guess that makes 2 of you.

Team Such As finally heads out while Team Daddy/Daughter is the first to find the statue and receive their next clue – a champagne cork! I like it when they keep things a little more mysterious with the clues instead of just handing them written instructions.

Team Cowboys then make it to the church square where the statue is…

“How big ya think the horses are in THAT barn?!”

They get to the clue with the Private Dicks right behind them. The Cowboys then head straight to the town of “Champagne” but I think they might be missing something. Uh oh. I think their lucky streak is about to hit a serious bump in the road.

The Lover Brothers find “Cathy Drone” and the musician in front of it. They, like the Private Dicks, decide to go to the Tourism Office and ask them. Which is really the best idea. Why doesn’t every team double-check with a locale before running off?! Oh Cowboys. Turns out they need to go to the town of “Apernay”.

“How do you make Champagne? Is it wine with some club soda?” Dear Jordan, Your gay card has been revoked. Sincerely, All Gays

The Lesbians rejoice when they get the clue and Brandy is thrilled! I guess we definitely know what gets her oiled up now. They’re gonna end up getting drunk and wake up with an adopted French kid.

Team Big Bro, currently in last, then heads out looking for Joan of Arc. Jordan says “he’s the one with the animals”. Jeff, being able to speak fluent MORON, is able to understand her. If Jordan was around for the great flood I’m guessing Noah would’ve been like, “Uh yeah… this is awkward but you probably shouldn’t get on the arc. Kind of in everyone’s best interest for the future. Here’s a shiny trinket. Now move along.”

Team Dicks and Team Lover Brothers arrive to “Leclerc Briant” first and get their Road Block. Teams must search for a hidden Champs bottle amongst many in the wine cellar far below and then use a sword to knock the top off. FUN!!! I hope they get to keep the swords. It could only make Carol’s next tantrum more interesting.

Louis and Jordan both decide to take the challenge and Jordan heads down first…

Look at all the track lighting! Apparently the tunnel’s a time-warp to the 80′s.

Team Daddy/Daughter then arrive and Daddy decides to take the challenge. Meanwhile, the Cowboys realize that they totally went all the way to the WRONG TOWN! Oh my GRAVY what did you do?!

Down in the cellars, after some searching, Jordan finds the hidden bottle, runs upstairs (there were STAIRS?!) and quickly chops the top of the bottle off! I CAN’T BELIEVE he did it the first try! Very impressive. The new clue reads “Taittinger” which is a chateau in the town over.

Up next…

Some outside help is needed to lower Louis into the cellar.

Back at the back, Team Such As is still looking for “Joan” and Ms Teen is excited because they found a statue with “animals” (Noah reference again). My vote is in right now for Caite and Jordan to be a team together on the next “All-Stars” edition of “TAR”!!!

This is my biggest complaint about some of these teams. At no point should ANY team be STROLLING. It’s a RACE!!! Where’s the urgency!?! Ugh. FAIL!

Up ahead at the Champs cellar, Steve is still searching for the bottle while Louis knocks his top of right quick. They’re all flying through – but there’s trouble brewing over with Team Such As. Ms Teen is copping a ‘tude with Brent and seems pretty disinterested in the race at this point. They finally find the church while bickering the whole time. Ugh. Children.

Meanwhile, the Lesbians get to the Champs cellar and Brandy is PISSED she has to do another height challenge!

Hmmm… I wonder why….

“Yessss… drop quickly into the abyss my precious… never more… never more…”

Carol hopes that Brandy won’t be in a “piss ass mood” when she comes back up. Oh Carol. As my mother always said, “Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.”

The Private Dicks find some locals to help them out and one even offers to show them the way. We then see the guy hop into his car…

I’d die laughing if he peeled out and left the Private Dicks sitting there.

But the Dicks say they’ll be able to follow him because they’re cops and professional car-followers. They’re REALLY starting to aggravate me. I hope the next challenge is to “arrest another team” and Jordan slams the two of them onto a car hood. One can dream. I know… I’ll just shit in my hand.

Team Such As finally gets the cork at Joan of Arc while Brandy finds her bottle and knocks the top off…

Ok. Well. NOW we officially know what happens when she’s oiled up. MOVING ON!

The Lesbians head out after talking to a local about where Taittinger is. I’m kind of confused because everyone seems to be in 8 different places and none of them are finding it. This is getting good!

The Cowboys, still trying to catch up, make it to the Champs cellar and Cord does the challenge faster than a bull nailin’ a cow in the summertime! Yee haw! (I’m trying.)

Well I can’t think of a better way to make sure you get less camera time.

I love how this episode has really played on the language barrier – even when they’re saying the same thing…

Frenchie: “Rehhhelghhmms.” Cowboy Translation: “REEEEEMS!” They do a great “Reims” job.

The Private Dicks take a huge leap ahead thanks to the helpful French dude in the porsche. After arriving at the Chateau, they find the detour: “Tower” or “Terra”. In “Tower”, they need to build a tower of 600 glasses and pour a bottle of Champs down it without it falling/breaking. FUCK THAT!!! Are you kidding?! No way. This is a hard one – and will be GREAT to watch! In “Terra”, teams must scour a kilometer of vineyard to find a cluster of grapes with a “TAR” flag on them. I’d do that. At least you can know there’s an end – those glasses are le trouble!

The Dicks VERY wisely choose “Terra”. Can you imagine those two stacking glasses?! Although they ARE cops – so they’re really good with booze. Right boys!?

The Lover Brothers realize that the pretty girl that gave them directions was wrong (I guess it doesn’t always help to ask a local!) and must turn around and head to the mansion.

Team Such As has finally arrived to the Champs cellar and Brent decides to do it. Meanwhile, Team Big Bro is still lost…

But happen to see the sex shop where Brandy bought her last lingerie.

Team Such As leaves the Champs cellar while Team Big Bro hasn’t even gotten there yet. They better start busting ass or their luck has finally run out.

Up ahead, Louis is huffing and puffing his way around the vineyard…

I hope that’s the patron saint of triple bypasses.

Back at the Champs cellar, Team Big Bro arrives and Jordan is afraid to do it because she doesn’t want to be stuck in a dark place…

Honey… how do you think your brain feels?

Jeff is a little scared about it but jumps right in. I wish he’d learn that if he took his shirt off it would be better… for us.

Maybe don’t piss off the guy with your life in his hands. But nice one!

Jordan waits up above and hopes another team has gotten lost. At this point you better hope another team is taking a flight on Oceanic 815 because otherwise you’re FUCKED.

Speaking of FUCKED…

“I’m sensing trouble ahead… someone’s let Grandpa drive aaaaand—” BAP! AH @#%&$%@ SHIT!”

OH MY GOD!!! THAT’S AWFUL!!!

Ahhh… that’s much better. Oh baby, baby, baby…

Best part is, Daddy’s only reaction is “We’re gonna have to fix that” and he heads off for the clue. Nice! I’d love to see the reaction of the “TAR” cameraman standing there like, “Ummm should I call someone?”

After getting help on their clue, Team Daddy/Daughter takes off but then must pull over when a horrific sound is coming from the damage on the car. Daddy suggests pulling something out while Daughter drives the car forward. Unfortunately (for our entertainment), she thinks better of that idea.

So Daddy does what Daddy’s do in problematic situations, USE DUCT TAPE! And it totally works! Good lord, Dad’s everywhere (mine included) are watching this and yelling, “SEE! I TOLD YOU!!!”

Back at the Champs cellar…

Well… you’re already dead last, so might as well. My hero!

Up ahead at the vineyard, the Dicks actually find the hidden grapes! Michael says that if he can “find crack in someone’s rear end, (He) can find grapes in a vineyard.”

Michael, we ALL know this is the only crack you ever find in an ass.

Once the Dicks get their next clue they find out it’s “L’Orrca” – the next pit stop! I CAN’T BELIEVE THESE FOOLS ARE GONNA PLACE FIRST AGAIN!

Back with the Cowboys, they find out that they’re in the wrong spot (again!) and must head to Piery. Talk about their good luck streak ending. They stay in good spirits though – so you gotta give them that.

The Lover Brothers arrive at the vineyard and decide to choose the glass challenge. They say it’s better to pick a “skill” challenge over a “luck” challenge. We’ll find out I guess.

Something tells me there’s another reason Jordan decided to stay indoors.

The Lesbians then arrive to the vineyard and start looking for the grapes. Let’s all set our stop watches for how long it takes for bitching to commence. Aaaaand go…TIME! Yikes.

Up at the front of the race, the Dicks easily find the pit stop and…

Luckily the Joker is there to murder them both.

Hey Phil, How many mimes does it take to creep you the fuck out?!

ME TOO!!!

The Dicks end up winning a trip to Cancun! Well, at least they’ll be able to party, murder a hooker AND investigate her disappearance all in one trip. Viva Cancun!

Back at the vineyard, the Lesbians find the hidden grapes and rejoice. Brandy randomly wonders aloud if the “children are happier here because their parents were always drinking champagne.” Well… I’m sure you’re mother was during pregnancy. HEY OH!

Back inside at the glass challenge, the Lover Brothers are stacking away while an orchestra plays…

“Ok… next let’s do “Walking on Broken Glass” by Annie Lenox in the key of G.”

Team Daddy/Daughter/Duct Tape arrive and choose “Terra” while the Lesbians ask some policemen where the pit stop is. Team Such as spots them asking and DECIDES TO FOLLOW THEM!!! OMG! How many clue boxes do you idiots need to skip until you learn?!! Well – at least I can’t wait to see Ms. Teen’s face this time.

The Lesbians then check in as Team #2 with Team Such As right behind them. Slooooowly (it’s like watching syrup pour) Team Such As figures out that they missed the Detour and turn around. Meanwhile, the Lesbians stand there rolling their eyes. I would’ve LOVED the Lesbians reaction if Phil just said, “You know what kids? Don’t worry about it. We’ll just check you in.” He should’ve done it just to fuck with the Lesbians. They would’ve lost their shit.

If this show had a reunion episode, this would’ve been my favorite clip to play in front of everyone.

At the mat, the Lesbians gloat that they’re gonna win and that they’re trying their hardest. Ummm… Brandy were you THERE when you bitched all the way through the war challenge?! They are definitely in the running for my “Team that makes it to 2nd place so I can see the look on their face when they lose”.

Back at the vineyard, Team Daddy/Daughter finds their grapes as Team Big Bro finds out that they’re STILL lost and can’t find the vineyard. In other brainless news, Team Such As finds the vineyard and chooses to look for the grapes as Ms Teen bitches about Brent. These two are made for each other. They better “giddy up” cause the Cowboys just arrived and are looking for the grapes too.

Team Daddy/Daughter arrives at the mat with the best line of the episode. Daddy tells Phil, “I hope you guys are insured.” AWESOME! I really wanted Phil to walk out to the car and react like any parent would – screaming, placing blame and tearing out Team Daddy/Daughter.

The Cowboys find the grapes faster than Team Such As. Why? Because they were TRYING HARD! Go figure?! The Cowboys head off and their success encourages Team Such As to give up and switch to full-time bitching/whining at each other. Good strategy! Their argument literally turns into “You’re stupid!” vs “Well you’re stupid-er!!!”

Back inside, the Lover Brothers have come up a few levels short on the glasses and decide to put 3 single glasses on top of each other! They begin to pour…

And Jordan’s fear of “wine + club soda” isn’t helping them.

Apparently, neither is what he’s doing to Dan’s butt.

While they’re pouring, Team Such As arrives and bicker while they work. He’s now regressed to calling her “Miss Perfect”. Something seriously stunted their maturity. I’m guessing their mothers used Kool Aid instead of milk.

Brent’s comment was, “I just wish I could look smarter.”

Team Cowboys check in as Team #4 while the Lover Brothers…

HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT!!! Although I think urinating on it was unnecessary.

And then of course they take the time to sip and enjoy the champagne. Is “urgency” just completely out of their vocabulary?!

Back in Germany(?!), Team Big Bro is still trying to find their way. It looks like the two brainiest teams are vying for the last spot.

Team Such As Is aaaalmost finished when…

PRICELESS.

All things aside it was AWESOME watching the tower fall like a glass pyramid of dominoes! They then retreat and decide to look for the grapes while Team Big Bro FINALLY arrives and heads to the glass challenge.

Out in the field, Ms Teen tries to be optimistic about not winning the money, to which Brent replies, “CAN YOU WALK FASTER?!?!” LOL. It actually works since they FIND the grapes and run off as Team Big Bro’s glasses (and hopes) crash to the ground. They run off and become Team #6 as Team Big Bro continues to look in the field as the sun sets. They finally find the grapes in the dark and Jeff comments, “Phil’s gonna be so pissed.” Awww. I’ll miss his comments.

Team Big Bro checks in last and is ELIMINATED. Awww – good kids but they definitely don’t cut it on this show.

Best of luck on “Celebrity Apprentice”!

That’s it! What did everyone think?! I thought this was a pretty good episode! The challenges definitely got better which always makes it more interesting. Highlights? Thoughts? Come on kids and DISH IT!!!