The Amazing Race: Make 7, Up Yours!

Welcome back everyone! Last week had us watching the “slower” teams fall apart and some really frustrating challenges. Personally, I blame the French. You know why? Because I gained 30lbs over the last couple of years eating nothing but Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast in protest of the French. SOMEONE had to do it. I’m a PATRIOT! It’s almost like I have the brains and the stomach to be on “THE AMAZING RACE”!

We start out (saddened by the loss of Team Big Bro) with Team Private Dicks heading out first — HOW are they still in first?! It turns out they’re all going to the islands of Seychelles in the Indian Ocean. Oooh! Teams are all flying on the same airplane. I hope the Lesbians and Team Such As get those seats that face each other.

The Dicks say that they’re doing a good job putting up with each other. Louis complains that Michael snores loudly – although the fact that Michael also sleeps naked and rubs his back makes it worth it.

Next up, the Lesbians are THRILLED to go to the Seychelles, especially so Brandy can wear her bathing suit. God I wish they made the opposite of 3D glasses for this episode.

Team Daddy/Daughter are excited to go to the “Seashells” while the Cowboys are going to the “Say-kill-ees” where they’ll enjoy some chilaquiles. I love how they have NO idea where it is but they’re excited anyways.

The Lover Brothers take off and learn that once on the island, they need to “take a number”. Hopefully this will mean Jordan will move his ass when they land instead of skipping along and making jokes.

Last to depart, Team Such As heads out and Ms Teen says that it’s “not easy being in the back” and that “it’s easy to tell who the bad kids in school were.” Brent, however, says he wasn’t bad in school.

You? An honor student? I’m gonna guess your teachers were mostly horny women or gay. I bet if you say the words “Extra Credit!” to him he instinctively takes off his shirt.

The Cowboys and Dicks decide to go for breakfast while Team Such As and Daddy/Daughter are smart enough to choose their seats (up front!) on the flight first.

The Lesbians get the 25th row and while Brandy notices that might be too far back, Carol replies “Dude, it’s fine.” Ya better bring your bong to beat Brandy off of you when you end up in last place, DUDE.

Teams all board the plane and once they land in Mahe, scramble to find the clue box. And AMAZINGLY enough, Team Such As finds it first and grabs Spot #1 for the helicopter ride to the island of La Digue. Daddy/Daugher and the Lover Brothers grab 2nd and 3rd respectively. They’re all on the first flight! The other teams then arrive and Brandy does her sarcastic “Well that’s fucking great!” thing that we’ve all come to love/hate.

On the helicopter ride, Brent teaches us his cool street lingo, “the views are sick” while Daughter praises God in a prayer. Thanking Him for…

Holy shit! Daddy created the Seychelles with God?! I bet God can be a real dick to work with. SOMEONE probably has to be right ALL the time.

Meanwhile, the Lover Brothers take flight and Jordan notices…

It’s not following you, Jordan. It shoots out of your ass 24/7.

Back at the helicopter waiting room, Carol comments that the three strongest teams are all waiting behind. Hmmm… I’m not a huge fan of the other 3 – but if they’re already on the other island and your ass is still sitting there whining about it – I’m gonna say you all lost your self-imposed “strongest team” title.

Wasn’t Ricky Martin enough for you?

Team Such As arrives at the clue box first and finds the detour: Turtle Toddle or Ox Trot.

Teams must bait a poor, old turtle with a banana… Or…

In Ox Trot, teams must fill up a large cart with coconuts and have an Ox pull it to the market but most likely just to their deaths.

Team Such As starts on Ox Trot while Team Daddy/Daughter arrives and chooses “Turtle Toddle” because at Daddy puts it, “you can never trust an ox.” Wise words. Once they arrive at the turtles, Daddy promptly drops their one banana into the turtles head and he does NOT look happy about it.

The Lover Brothers choose the Ox challenge as the helicopters head back and pick up the other teams. Meanwhile, Daughter, the “Turtle Whisperer” is having a blast with the turtle…

“Bitch, I’m not chomping on the banana when I get close enough.”

Team Such As takes off on their Ox cart while they leave ONE coconut behind. I love how the camera guy totally picks up on it but they’re completely oblivious.

However they’re too busy calling each other “Dummy” and “Friggin’ Idiot”…

Their Ox exclaimed.

Meanwhile, over at the turtle challenge…

How great would it have been if the turtle up and died right there. I’m guessing PETA would’ve made a guest appearance.

“Bitch, you better have a friggin’ wet-nap waiting for me at the finish line.”

In other news, a photo has surfaced of a Playboy Bunny feeding Hugh Hefner’s penis a banana.

Team Daddy/Daughter take off for the market with the bananas (needed to get their clue) but FORGET their back packs! Arg! Amateur mistakes this episode! That turtle’s totally gonna take a dump in their bags.

Team Daddy/Daughter make their way down the road and catch up to Team Such As just as Brent is whipping the crap out of his Ox. I’m almost sure when Brent gets back to the US, Betty White’s gonna be waiting for him at the airport with a baseball bat and a sock full of nickels.

So for the first time I can tell which one’s the gay one. DJ Jazzy Str8 and the Fresh Princess.

The boys comment how they did a good job on keeping an eye on each others nuts, as not to lose them. Pretty much their daily grind. Then, once they hop behind the Ox, he has a surprise for them!

Magic coins…change purse?! A rainbow… mangina?! Dan… closet?! Tell me!

The Lesbians then arrive and choose the “Turtle” challenge while the Dicks and Cowboys arrive and choose the “Ox”. Once the Lesbians arrive to the Turtles, they spy Team Daddy/Daughters forgotten bags. Who here was shocked when they didn’t set fire to them?!

Big surprise – even their turtle doesn’t like them…

Unfortunately for the Lesbians, they choose the one Christian Conservative turtle on the island.

The Cowboys are working hard to catch up to the Dicks at the Ox challenge. Jet comments that he doesn’t even know what the coconuts are. Why’s it so cute when they say things like that but if Team Such As said it I’d want to backhand them?

Up ahead, Team Dad/Kid (I’m short-handing it from now on) completes their banana delivery and find out that teams must now take a boat to a nearby island…

Why Hellooooo Mr. Hasselhoff… Ew. Now I feel dirty.

Meanwhile, back at the Ox challenge…

If there’s a God that listens to an Ox’s prayers, this thing’s gonna roll over.

OMG and Dan just cracked the best joke! The Lover Brothers blow by Team Such As on their Ox cart and Dan yells back to them, “Make love to it!” Which is also tragic because Ms Teen immediately performs a “Catherine the Great” on the poor thing.

Shortly after, Team Such As delivers the coconuts to find out…

“Eeez no. Superman no eez here. Eez no.”

Brent, being the man of the situation, then throws a complete temper tantrum and says he’s “gonna quit!” Ms. Teen doesn’t seem too impressed…

I agree with Rastafarian Snoop Dog back there.

Up ahead with Team Daddy/Daughter, they’ve realized that they forgot their back packs back at the Turtle challenge…

Perhaps you wouldn’t have missed them if you weren’t wearing an 80 year old’s Blubockers.

Daddy convinces her that she’s so cute she doesn’t need the make-up in her bag. Ew. Creepy. Alright Billy Ray – take it down a notch.

Back over with the Lover Brothers…

Things are about to get REAL. Cover your eyes kids.

Brent decides to hold back the tears and soldier back to the coconuts. Meanwhile Ms. Teen bawls the whole time. If these two win the race I’ll eat the keys off my computer like tic tacs.

Team Dicks finishes loading their nuts while the Lesbians are still trying to get their turtle to go in the right direction. It’s not going so well…

The turtle totally snatches the banana and peaces out. HA! Love him.

Meanwhile, at the front, Team Daddy/Daughter makes it to the Road Block:

More importantly – WHO’S THIS GUY?! Cause he’s certainly not a racer and we should probably see more of him.

In this Road Block, teams must risk drowning to dive for bottles filled with…

This completely fucking useless map. Yeah! Unless there’s a 4 story beach ball somewhere on the island.

Dad decides to strip down and take the plunge. I’m shocked he didn’t turn to daughter and say “You’re wearing a two-piece right? Go for it!”

Over with the Lesbians, they’re still unsuccessfully turtle-baiting. So Carol says, “Baby wanna go do the Ox?” Wow. Is that some sort of Lesbian lingo that involves 2 dildos and lots of snorting?

Up ahead, Daddy is diving away but the thought of Daughter without make-up brings “something” up…

WOW. The biggest ones are always black.

Soon, the brothers arrive and Jordan decides to go down. (Hey oh!) I have to admit – Dan’s a little hot. Just saying. Jordan’s a lucky guy. How did he land a man like Dan?

It must be his Kung Fu grip.

Jordan takes a couple tries to get the bottle while Team Such As is making its way back for the forgotten coconut. They cross paths with Team Dicks who have finished and are on their way to deliver their cart. Once Ms Teen realizes it was only 1 – she laments, “This is SO unfair!” I know right?! It’s like those pageant questions. SOOO tricky!

Back at the coconuts, they run into the Cowboys who are still loading theirs. They finish and take off and EVEN AFTER CHECKING they STILL leave ONE coconut behind! DAMMIT BOYS! Take care of your nuts… or I will. Just sayin’!

Meanwhile, over with the Lesbians…

Brandy “does the Ox” on Carol. Is that a motorboat I hear?

Just kidding – even better – Brandy dropped a coconut on Carol’s foot. Much bickering ensues.

Indeed.

On the beach, Team Daddy/Daughter assembles their map and tries to figure out what it says…

The Lover Brothers are right behind them but Team Daddy/Daughter checks in as Team #1! Awww – they deserve it. And Phil tells them that the theme of the day is “7 UP” (that was why they @#%! map looked like a 7?!!? OH “TAR”. SELLOUT.) and that they’re both winning $7K and unlimited 7UP! WOW. They can put they money towards the new set of teeth they’ll need after all that 7UP.

Oh Jesus – then Allison goes on and on about God’s plan. Honey, if God had anything to do with this race you think there’d be gays and a Teen Queen that HASN’T been mauled by an ox yet?

Speaking of, the lover brothers find the pit stop and check in as #2.

Aaaaand cue Marvin Gaye.

Back at the carts, Team Dicks finish delivering theirs and head off to the water while the Lesbians are still filling their boxes. (GET IT?!)

However the Lesbian’s miss one coconut…

Stay tuned for the Lesbian recipe, “Shredded Coconut”.

The Cowboys and Team Such As are racing to deliver their coconuts. Team Such As then checks in and FINALLY has all their nuts while the Cowboys find out they’re one short. Jet says he’d like to grab the coconut guy and bash his head into the coconuts. LMAO. That would’ve been the best disqualification ever.

The Lesbian’s take off, leaving the lonely coconut behind. I can’t believe most of them missed ONE!!! Holy shit. I bet Brandy actually IS going to bash that guy’s head into the coconuts.

Out on the water, Team Such As whizzes by Team Dicks and they’re pissed! I can’t wait to watch them beat the stupid right out of them.

The Lesbians see the Cowboys heading back and Carol comments, “I hate to say it but that goes well for us!” I hate to say it but you’re gonna looooove what’s in store for you! I’m practically giddy!

PAYOFF! HAHAHAHA! Side note: Why the fuck is Brandy wearing gloves?

I feel so bad for the poor guy that has to keep delivering the news. You know the producers are the ones telling him they didn’t get all the coconuts. He keeps looking off-camera like “Duuuude – they’re getting PISSED. You’re covering my medical, right?!”

AND OF COURSE as they make their way back, Carol has to start blaming Brandy for missing a coconut. I haven’t seen a couple blame each other this much since Lindsay Lohan was born.

Out on the water, Team Such As gets their clue and Brent starts diving. Which is when I realize it was footage of HIM in the water! ICK ICK ICK! I feel dirty. Like a need to shower in text books to get the dumb off of me.

Over on the other boat, Team Dicks decide Michael should take the plunge…

Would’ve been nice if Allison lent him her two-piece.

So Michael jumps in and…

Nice knowing ya, Seychelles.

Actually it was nice to hear the boys appreciate where they were. I’m definitely jealous. It looks beautiful there. Too bad Americans will never be allowed in again after the Lesbians commit genocide over a coconut.

The Cowboys finally deliver all of their coconuts and hop into board shorts which they pretty much seem like they’ve never seen before.

The bull goes through the lasso, cowboy.

Always with the hat on. PS – Christ needs you to shave. The poor guy’s choking on a hair patch.

Team Dicks makes it back to shore and Louis has a hell of a time swimming. He blames it on the “heaviness of the shirt” the was wearing.

“This shirt – it’s 5.6 million thread count interlaced with lead. I swear!”

Out in the water, the Cowboys get their bottle while the Lesbians finally check in with all of their coconuts. Good thing. Otherwise that poor guy was gonna eat a coconut whole.

The Lesbians then head out to the boat…

“GET A PULLEY AND A TEAM OF HORSES!”

Add that to the list of horrible places your finger has been.

After picking a winner, Brandy dives in and grabs the bottles while on land, Team Such As and Team Dicks check in as Team #3 and #4.

At the check in, Phil makes a crack about Louis’ weight and officially becomes my hero. Louis then flexes…

Here’s a photo of the outside and what his heart looked like on the inside.

Phil asks the teams if they all agree that the Lesbians should be kicked out and Brett replies…

He meant “unaminous”. Never get fat and lose your looks, Brett.

Back out on the water, the Cowboys swim back to shore but forget the GD bottle on the boat. Sure enough they make it to the pit stop without it but Phil decides to break their lil’ hearts – THEY NEED TO GO BACK AND GET THE CRAP MAP! Ugh. All because the !#%! map has a 7 on it and needs more product placement time I’m sure!

“You know what guys? This episode hasn’t been easy for me either.”

So the poor bastards head back to the boat only to find out that the thing’s way out in the water. But that doesn’t stop them! They dive in and start swimming! I love these guys!

Meanwhile, the Lesbians make it to the beach before them and head into the wrong direction! BUT UNFORTUNATELY they make it there before the Cowboys do!!! DAMMIT! The Cowboys check in after them and are declared last. HOWEVER – they’re still in it!!! YEAH!!! That is awesome. As Jet says, “Champions don’t ride the most bulls – they’re they ones that get kicked off and get on again!” Oh my gravy… I love these boys.

That’s it! What did everyone think?! Happy for the Cowboys? Not fans of the Lesbians? Am I too hard on them?! Who do you think will be eliminated next week?! Hopefully 7UP. Come on kids and DISH IT!!!