The Amazing Race: Nuts and Poles and Chingays, Oh My!

Welcome back lovahs! Last week we learned that turtles may be slow but they’re amazing judges of character, if coconuts could speak they might’ve said “SUCKERS!!!” and 7UP now owns your soul. This week, according to the previews, there are snakes at some point. I can’t tell you how much I HATE snakes and I’m probably guaranteed a nightmare after this. BUT I’ll soldier on for you all! WHY?! Because I’m a God damn hero and THIS is “The Amazing Race”! (And I’m a martyr.)

Teams start of in the Seychelles on a beach once frequented by pirates. But first, we get a glimpse of Team Daddy/Daughter’s 7UP buffet…

“I JUST ATE THE !@#% TURTLE?!!?”

Team Daddy/Daughter then find out they’re headed to MALAYSIA! Ooohhh! And then they’re headed to the Snake Temple…. MOTHER @#$!$!%. Ok… I can do this.

Team D/D is happy to discover that the weather is warm where they are going since they have no extra clothes (they left their bags behind on the last leg). Daddy tries to buy the shirt off a guy’s back and it’s so sad/sweet. Luckily they have 14K to buy a new wardrobe thanks to winning the last leg. Just think, now she’ll be able to upgrade to EVEN BIGGER sunglasses…

“Thanks 7UP!

Next off, Team Lover Brothers are excited to be in 2nd and Dan is happy that Jordan’s living his dream. It’s actually very sweet. They then sit in the dark and ponder what to do for the next 6 hours. Cue porn music aaaaaand….

Team Such As and Team Dicks then take off with the Lesbians close behind. The Lesbians aren’t happy about going to the Snake Pit. I’m SHOCKED. I’m sure it’d be a different story if they were headed to the Clam Pit.

Team Dicks meet up with Team Such As at the boat launch and says they’re “kids that you’d be proud to call you own children.” I’d definitely agree with them on the “children” part. They already have the temper tantrums and back-seat bickering down pat. On the other hand, Ms Teen calls the Dicks, “Daddies”…

“Daddies?! Yeah… that’s it! Hahahaha… we’re your DADDIES. Heh heh…heh…boobs.”

They then go on to talk about the snakes, which leads to talk about serpents, which leads to them agreeing that CAROL is the SERPENT OF THE RACE! All things aside, I got to hand it to Carol for being reviled/feared by all the other teams. Wait a minute…

AHHHH!!! Carol is the Cobra Commander!!! Brandy – pay attention and RUN!!!

Team Dicks even train Ms Teen to “U-Turn the shit out of ‘em!” (meaning the Lesbians). Awww – she can be taught!

Our lovable Cowboys then take off and while they’re in last place, they’re in high spirits and vow not to give up. Come on boys – our faith in humanity depends upon it!

Up at the boat lunch, Team Dicks decide to be kind to Team Daddy/Daughter and give Daddy some underwear since they have no other clothes…

Ummm… Steve? You’re gonna wanna check out the other side of those before putting them on.

All teams then take off on the boat to the airport and are off to Penang, Malaysia. After 21 hours of traveling, teams arrive and grab taxis to the Snake Temple. Jet asks Cord, “How do you say “fast” in Malaysian?” and Cord replies, “…Fast.” LOL. He must be using the lesser-known “English-to-Malaysian-back-to-English” dictionary.

The teams all race in their taxis and the Lover Brothers get the best one – blowing by all the other teams. They’re the first ones to arrive at the temple and find the Detour: Buddhist Tradition or Chinese Custom. In Buddhist Tradition, teams must carry gigantic incense sticks up a giant staircase and light them on fire (I hope the Temple has insurance) while in Chinese Custom, teams must carry a CHINGAY on their forehead.

God I wish these were the Chingays they had to balance on their forehead.

The Lover Brothers decide to do the “Buddhist” challenge and are pissed when they realize it’s at another location and they already sent their “super taxi” away.

More teams arrive to the Temple, treating me to 3,000 shots of snakes jumping at the camera. Seriously. Nightmares for weeks. FML.

The Lover Brothers finally find a new taxi and head out while Team Daddy/Daughter arrive and choose “Chinese” and everyone else chooses “Buddhist”. The Cowboys get screwed though because their taxi takes off without them…

Malaysian for “SON OF A @#%!@”

The Cowboys end up choosing “Chinese” while the other teams race each in the taxi’s and the Dicks pull into the lead. Michael compares himself to “Jason Bourne” – which I’d agree with – they both have no idea what they’re capable of.

The Cowboys finally get a taxi and Cord looks like he’s gonna have a nervous breakdown. There’s such a HUGE difference in the amount of intensity and determination between them and Team Such As (and previous teams). Which is one of the reasons I’m totally cheering for them.

The Lesbians make it to the temple first, throw on their workout gloves (I LOVE that they’re the only one’s who brought them) and get right to carrying the huge incense sticks up.

While the Lesbians have already finished a lap up the temple, most of the teams are still trying to make it there. Some of them even ditch their taxis in the traffic in favor of running there. Cue Louis’ exploding heart… NOW!

The Cowboys make it to the giant flag challenge first, Cord jumps right in and NAILS the challenge in like 2 minutes! (say it with me now) OH MY GRAVY! Jet has a harder start though – apparently Cord is the master of his pole.

Meanwhile, the Lover Brothers and Team Daddy/Daughter are scrambling to find their way and actually try to chase after Team Dick’s cab! I would’ve die laughing if they had their driver slam on the brakes. Pile up! However they just speed off. I love how as the season progresses we move from “Gee – we felt really sorry ditching them” to “SEE YA LATER, YOU DUMB FUCKERS!!!”

The Cowboys QUICKLY finish their challenge and speed off to the next clue box at “Teluk Bahang” and another temple. They’re super excited since they know they need to be in the lead with a “Speed Bump” ahead.

Back at the “Buddhist” temple, Team Such As, with their youth & vitality, is starting to pass the now disgruntled Lesbians. The Dicks arrive and start lugging the incense. I seriously hope there’s an ambulance on standby for Louis. Or maybe Phil is warming up the defibrillator.

Louis! This is no time for a lunch break!

The Cowboys arrive to their Speed Bump to discover that they must go to a spice garden, choose a tea according to the spice they smell and deliver it to a meditating guru. Well that’s just TOTALLY up their alley!

Back at the Buddhist temple, the Lesbians are POOPED while Team Such As is powering through like I’ve never seen before. Is this really the same team that whined when they had to walk through a vineyard for too long?!?

Louis, on the other hand, is coughing up a lung, spleen and several other organs. He does not sound good! Talk about a PSA to stop smoking.

The Cowboys make it to the spice garden and sniff away. They find what they think is the right tea and deliver it to the Guru. But the Guru says “Eeeez no. Superman no eeez home” (I can’t help myself!) and they must go back and try again. They bring a second pot to the Guru and it’s the right one! Cue the stereotypical Cowboy music!

At the back of the race, Team Lover Brothers and Team Daddy/Daughter have been running for what seems like miles and decided to hop back in the cab they ditched in the first place. When they hop back out again to see WTF they are, the Lover Brothers unsuccessfully try to steal it!

To be fair, it was clearly their cab. Can you feel the love?!

The Lover Brothers continue hoofing it all over Malaysia and finally get into another cab. Dan is pretty awesome and totally hangs in there for Jordan when he starts to have a melt down.

Team D/D are still lost and have changed what challenge they want to do so many times that I’m completely confused. It’s hard to tell if they or the Lover Brothers are more screwed at this point.

However, unscrewing themselves quite nicely, is the Cowboys who have now arrived to the Road Block! Teams must smash coconuts until they find one with a bright color on the inside and then use those pieces to make a “float offering” to put out to sea. I hope the Lesbians don’t get wet though…

Everyone knows you can’t get lesbians wet!!! AHHHH!!!!!

Jet decides to take the challenge and starts slamming away at his nuts.

Back at the temple, teams are on the verge of complete physical meltdown as Team Such As finally completes the task.

She was totally Demi’s stand-in during “GI Jane”.

Just as Team Such As leaves, and the Lesbians finish, the Lover Brothers FINALLY pull up! Team Such As is THRILLED that they beat the “evil Lesbians”. I have this odd feeling that these two teams will be the final two. And that odd feeling is called “Television Maaaaagic!” aka “The Amazing Race: There Will Be Blood” Edition.

After Louis successfully hacks up all of his innards, Team Dicks finish and head off to Teluk Bahang. Meanwhile, Team Daddy/Daughter finally gets to A challenge and after 2 minutes… DECIDE TO DO THE OTHER CHALLENGE!!! What?!? She tried to carry the pole on her head and immediately have up. If I was “Daddy” I probably would’ve been like, “Ummm – it’s kinda for a million dollars so maybe you could just… oh I don’t know… SUCK IT UP!!!!” Apparently all the 7UP went to her brain.

Brought to you by the Tourism Board of Malaysia!

Up at the coconut challenge, Jet finally masters the nuts (after getting screwed by them in the last leg) and finds a pink nut! He then performs “arts & crafts” and quickly makes the mini-float.

Team Such As goes from delight to sheer terror when they realize that their cabbie has not only brought them to the wrong location but there’s not even a TEMPLE there…

Here we are! The corner of “Murder” and “The Dumb Blonde Blvd”!

On the other hand, the once “last place” Cowboys set float to their offering and are on their way to the pit stop! What?! Crazy! The best part?! The Lesbians arrive just in time to see them take off!!! HAHAHHA! Foiled again! Carol jumps right in and starts rocking nuts like she was born to do it. NOBODY takes first place from her!

Speaking of having their lead lost, Team Such As finally gets the correct directions and their taxi driver gives it a second try…

“This would’ve never happened if the Malaysia had maps and such as… for the children!”

Team Daddy/Daughter finally arrive to the Buddhist temple and find the Lover Brothers huffing and puffing away.

Two vs One?! Way to make the gays proud Jordan! Giving it the ol’ double fist!

At the coconut challenge, Carol quickly smashes her way to a colored coconut and starts making an offering as Brandy screams, “Think of a good thought for me!”

At this rate I’m pretty sure Carol’s thinking of making a sacrifice but it ain’t a coconut.

Team Dicks arrive and Louis takes the challenge and finds the right coconut on the SECOND try! Lucky bastard! It must be all that detective work. (Was anyone else SHOCKED he didn’t say it?!) Team Such As then arrives and Ms Teen is PISSED they fell behind again so she gets all crazy with the nuts.

And up ahead at the pit stop, TEAM COWBOYS IS #1!!! CRAZY! First time in race history that a team has gone from last to first AND done a speed bump in the process. And they win a romantic trip to Hawaii! AWWW!

Back at Temple, the Lover Brothers are about to light the candles but Jordan seems to be having a problem which causes Dan to scream “STOP SHAKING AND PUT IT ON THE FUCKING CANDLE!!!” WOW! Why wasn’t THAT the title of this episode?!

The Lesbians then finish up with their offering (Brandy’s head remains intact) while they leave the Dicks and Team Such As behind. Ms Teen is CLEARLY thinking of their heads as she chucks those coconuts to the ground. I love the tension! I wish there was a “Reunion Tell-All” at the end of this show!

Louis then makes his offering and gets his clue…

How long do you think this poor bastard had to wait around in the water all day?!

The Dicks cheer on Team Such As as they head out. It’s hysterical since you just KNOW they want them to stay in the race because they’ll be easier to beat.

The Lover Brothers finally finish the Temple challenge and head off, leaving what looks like the doomed Daddy/Daughter behind. Meanwhile Ms Teen has completed her offering and brings it out to the water…

Guru: This had better be a fucking beverage or so help me Buddha I will skull fuck her.

Up ahead, the Lesbians check in as Team #2 with Team Such As following close behind. Back at the temple, Team Daddy/Daughter finally finishes up the challenge and head out. They’re pretty screwed but they might have a chance thanks to the Lover Brother’s taxi STOPPING TO GET GAS. Love it! This shit happens ever season.

Although Team D/D isn’t doing much better in their cab. He’s pissing Daddy off somehow and Daddy is throwing all sorts of attitude at him. Luckily Daughter calms him down and tells him to stifle it – saving them from a case of “Cabbie Could Give a Shit if You Win a Million.”

Team Dicks check in as Team #3 with Team Such as checking in as Team #4. It’s now a race between Team D/D and the Lover Brothers! The brothers arrive at the coconut challenge first and pull far ahead until Jordan just brings the split coconut into the water. Like that’s an offering! It’s like he has no concept of the proper offering to the Gods! HELLOOOO! It needs to be on a mini-float with flowers and shit. The Gods loooove accouterment!

Jordan quickly builds an offering and the boys are off before Team D/D even arrives. Wah wah waaaah…. Team D/D finally arrives and Daughter starts cracking the coconuts. Luckily it doesn’t take her long since the poor bastard in the water is now chaffed beyond all recognition.

Team Lover Brothers, is stuck in traffic so bad that Dan comments, “Everyone in Malaysia and their mothers are here!” Actually it’s true – it’s Mother’s Day and there’s a Cheesecake Factory in that square. TOTAL nightmare.

But gay love prevails once again and Team Lover Brothers check in before Team Daddy/Daughter. Phil sadly tells them that they’ve been ELIMINATED! Of course they cry and it’s sweet. Except when Daddy says how strong Daughter is I soooo wanted Phil to say, “Well… not strong enough to carry a pole with her head – but ya know. I’m sure she’s great.”

“This won’t be the last time I ask you to put a pole on your face!”

And that’s it! What did everyone think?! Can you believe first and last place totally switched?! I tell you it was the 7UP! And what about the feud between the Lesbians and the world?! What do you think Team Such As does to them next week? I’d bet money it’s a U-Turn! But I hope it’s something more creative. Any thoughts? Highlights from the last episode? Come on kids and DISH IT!