Last week in the Seychelles we learned to never underestimate a man in a Stetson, never drink 7UP (apparently it makes you run slower, what?! crazy!) and when in doubt, screw the Lesbians! Why?! Cause this is “THE AMAZING RACE”!!!
We begin in Malaysia where the Cowboys are the first to depart to their new destination, Singapore! There they must meet the host of “The Amazing Race: Asia”…
Oh. Why hello there. Phil – YOU NEED TO STEP ASIDE.
The Cowboys rejoice over their big jump to the front last week. Even when they’re down, their mantra remains, “Don’t sweat it!”
Apparently that’s a figurative phrase only. Ick.
The Lesbians are proud that they worked so well together in the last round (no tears and/or blood was shed) and are looking forward to stealing the Cowboy’s “mojo”.
AHHHH! I know how they’re gonna steal their mojo!!!
Next off, Team Private Dicks and Team Such As head out with their cross-hairs set on the back of the Lesbians’ heads. Meanwhile Team Lover Brothers head out and talk about their “Nice Theory” in which they say being nice to the other teams has allowed them to stay under the radar and not get “U-Turned”. I couldn’t agree more. I’d be the same way. Or I’d fuck with people and blame it on everyone else.
The Cowboys and Lesbians get ahead while the Dicks, Lesbians and Lover Bros head out on a later bus. While on the bus, teams discuss who they’d U-turn and the Dicks jump on the Lesbians (hot mental image) because they say the girls are “world-travelers”. Ummm weak. Just because they’ve gone on a couple “R Family Cruises” doesn’t make them world travelers.
Team Such As chimes in with “Yeah – fuck the Lesbians!” while Jordan feels it’s just because they don’t like them. The Dicks have a great thing going – they’re clearly more of a threat than the Lesbians but they’ve convinced Team Such As to U-turn them. Ms. Queen is miffed over the “tiara” comment from the first episode and doesn’t need a map to tell the Lesbians where they can go.
And Brent agrees – Ms Teen deserves a break after all the…
Dick? Brain hemorrhaging? Allergic reactions to rational thought?! TELL US!
The Cowboys then get to the train station to find out the other teams will be catching up since there’s only one train.
As they board, Carol smells something awful…
Don’t be mean to Brandy! She’s your partner and she can’t help it. Eating the brains of innocent children does a number on one’s digestive system.
All teams board the “sleeper train” and Jordan’s less-than-thrilled with the conditions…
Especially when he finds Ms. Teen’s Biore pore strip on his pillow.
Meanwhile, Louis asks, “What happens if ya fart?” “I shove a dryer sheet and a bar of soap up your ass” would’ve been MY immediate response.
Teams head south to Singapore and before the train even comes to a stop the arguing has begun! The Lesbians think they should be able to shove their way to the front for some reason and everyone else is kinda thinking, “OH HELL NO.” Best line of the season so far? Brent: “Ladies get their way. Bitches don’t.” WHY WASN’T THIS THE TITLE OF THE EPISODE?!
Teams literally push, shove, race each other out of the station. Here comes Ms. Teen around the corner – AAAAND SHE EATS SHIT ON THE STAIRS…
Brent: “DAMMIT CAITE! There’s no time for this! Which one of you yelled “Gang Bang”??! HUH?!
Teams struggle for taxis and the Cowboys get screwed out of a few. They’re behind again. But they do their best work when they’re behind. Trust me.
The Dicks arrive to the Memorial first and search for Allan Wu. The Lesbians arrive and head inside as well but it’s the Lover Brothers who find Allan Wu first! Allan asks, “What can I do for you?” and Jordan lets all of us down by not adding “Take off your shirt!” to the sentence “Give us the clue.”
The Lover Brothers get the clue and it’s the “Fast Forward”! The challenge is to climb from one capsule to another on the top of the giant ferris wheel known as the “Singapore Flyer”.
I hope today is the day they chose to wear adult diapers.
The Lover Brothers decide to go for it while the other teams are still looking for Allan. The Dicks and Cowboys are the next to find him. They get get their “Detour”: Pounding Drums or Pounding Pavement. In Pounding Drums, teams must learn how to play a drum song from what appears to be child-workers…
Careful! There’s a good chance that’s not a clue – they’re adoption papers.
In Pounding Pavement, teams must carry supplies and set up a traditional Singapore ice cream shop and sell 25 ice cream sandwiches…
Which totally looked like how I butter my bread.
The Dicks, Cowboys and Team Such As all choose the drums while Lesbians are still looking for the hot guy. (Not their strongest skill – be kind.) However, after Carol announces that she knows he’s a “handsome young man” (LAY OFF CAROL) they finally find him.
Alright Richard Grieco, take it down a notch.
The Lesbians snatch (GET IT?!!) their clue and choose the drums as well. But what about the butter sandwiches?! They looked so delicious!
Over at the drum challenge, the Cowboys can’t keep a beat to save their lives but Ms Teen seems to think she can. In the words of the great Ricky Martin…
“She bangs, she bangs!”
Ms Teen says she can’t “sing for crap” but she’s got rhythm. And why wouldn’t she be? It works for birth control – it can work for this!
The Dicks say they have no rhythm because they’re “as white as white can be”…
Oh. They weren’t kidding.
Meanwhile the Lesbians aren’t haven’t much luck either…
Maybe, don’t adopt any time soon.
The lil’ man whacks away at the drums with a fury that scares the Lesbians away to another teacher while the Dicks give up altogether and head to the fast forward. HOWEVER, the Lover Brothers are already there and starting the challenge! The Dicks might be able to do it thought because Jordan admits…
I’d reply, “That’s crazy! ‘Cause I just discovered that I can lift AND throw your body weight.”
The Dicks arrive but only in time to find that the Lover Brothers are definitely attempting the Fast Forward. Instead of sticking around to see if they complete it, they head back out for the other challenge. However they get held up since their Taxi driver took a pee break. Poor guy. Can you imagine what two giant Americans are gonna look like jumping around and yelling when he gets back to the car?
However the Dicks have a plan…
Ummm… I don’t want to know how you’re gonna make it.
Back over with the boys, Jordan’s climbing across the top of the flyer.
Does anyone else question the usefulness of a bicycle helmet when it’s protecting the head from a 524 foot drop into pavement?
Back at the drums, the Cowboys are having a heckuva time getting the beat. It’s probably the first time I’ve seen them get frustrated. And (of course) the Lesbians are starting to get snatchy with each other. Someone’s finally gonna get the beat right but on a brain…
NO BRANDY! It is NOT OK to hit! No matter how much it’d entertain the rest of us.
Back over with the boys…
Forecast for the folks below? Cloudy with chance of the shits.
I gotta give Jordan credit. He just keeps repeating, “I’m doing this for a million dollars!” which is exactly what he should be focusing on. It KILLS me when teams just fail out with an “I can’t!” like they forget it’s for A MILLION DOLLARS. I’m talking to YOU water-slide girl from last season!
Dan then boogies right across and the boys get their clue for the Pit Stop! Wow. Way to go kids.
Down below, Team Dicks are now setting up their ice cream stand and preparing to sell…
These guys selling shit from the back of a truck?! Fugeddaboutit!!!
And side note:
This ice cream to wafer ratio for $1?!?! I need to go to Singapore immediately.
The Dicks get right to selling the sandwiches and actually do a good job. Either that or the locals fear the ice cream mafia has moved into town.
The Cowboys finally muster the cajones to perform their drum song onstage but Cord can’t handle the beat and they must relinquish the stage to Team Such As. In an amazing feat of hand and eye coordination, Team Such As actually COMPLETES the song and gets the clue! Oh shit. The Lesbians are in total Screwsville.
Team Such As heads to the U-turn and Ms Teen’s SUPER excited! Hey Ms Teen, on a scale of 1-5, how excited are you?!
A nine out of 5? Yikes.
Over at the pit stop, the Lover Brothers take 1st place! And win a motor bike! (sound of record screeching to a stop) The boys tell Phil they’ll never use it but appreciate the gift. Poor guys. That’s literally the butchest prize so far this season. Maybe they can trade one with the Cowboys.
Over with the Dicks…
Someone just told this guy how the Dicks “bang them out”.
Up ahead Team Such As U-TURN’S THE LESBIANS!!! Oh shit. Hang on to your hats folks. There’s a Category 5 shit storm brewing.
Their clue reads for teams to proceed to a shipyard for their next challenge. Meanwhile, the Dicks have sold 25 heart attack sandwiches and are on their way.
But back at the drums, the Lesbians just barely finish their song onstage…
I’d pay $50 to see that Chinese dragon surprise mount her.
The Lesbians actually complete the challenge and happily race off to what’s gonna wipe the smiles right off their face. They reach the U-Turn aaaaaand are FURIOUS! Carol smacks the photo of Team Such As on the sign. CAROL! Is that appropriate?! This is reality TV. Save it until you see her and THEN let her have it!
In the cab on the way to the OTHER challenge, the Lesbians rant and rave about the stupidity of Team Such As. Brandy also does a fascinating impression of Brent…
WOW. A retarded southerner? Enjoy that publicist-mandated community service with the Special Olympics.
Does this mean Caite dies in the end? Spoiler Alert!
Brandy keeps going off about Team Such As and Carol tries to calm her and tells her that they can quickly sell sandwiches with her charm…
“Harm?” “Disarm?” “Shove it up your ass sideways?” Which one?!
The Dicks finally find the clue box and are thrilled their little minions chose to U-Turn the Lesbians. Convincing Team Such As that the Lesbians were a bigger threat than they were was probably one of the smartest moves of the race. Nice job boys.
Up ahead at the docks – ROADBLOCK: Count chain links. Teams must count all of the links in a giant chain while loud work goes on around them.
I know what “DSL” means. Soooo… this should be good.
Brent gets to counting and his lil’ brain is just rattling from all of the “work noise” around him. UGH! I hate it when honest work gets in the way of being pretty and playing a game for money! Douchebag even yells “Shut up!” at the workers. AAAhhh – such ambassadors to the world!
Back at the drums, the Cowboys take another crack at the performance and finally make it! Cord even throws his hat! He’s SO unbridled and wild!
Over with the enraged Lesbians, they’re now fighting over who should carry what shit to set up their stand. The term “bitch” is thrown around so much it feels like the backstage area of a drag show. They then go on to argue over where to set up their stand. They really put the “me” in Team. And as for selling ice cream?
In their defense, that is printed on most imported Asian foods.
Back at the shipyard, Brent is getting frustrated with the background noise but it almost done counting.
I think I know which Teletubbie is gay.
Brent finished the counting… and gets it right! Wow. Ms Teen says she’s impressed and I am too! I thought for sure he’d be screwed after he ran out of fingers and toes. Team Such As then gets their clue and heads off to “MegaZip” – Singapore’s premier strip club?
The Cowboys are celebrating as well because they just discovered that they’re not the ones being U-Turned. The boys head off to the shipyard while the Lesbians are 7 ice creams away from being finished.
If only they could find someone who wants 7 ice cream sandwiches. If only…
On the other hand…
How the fuck are the people buying these things so skinny?!? He’s eating a goddamned brick of ice cream wrapped in bread and he’s super model gaunt. I think I need to move.
At the shipyard, Team Dicks arrive and Michael gleefully takes out the counter he brought with him. GOOD ONE! Wow – are these guys not as stupid as we all thought?! Speaking of, the Cowboys come racing in and get to counting links like cows in a herd! YEEEEE HAW!
The Lesbians are having a few problems with their ice cream sales. Dropping the knife in the garbage was probably a bad idea.
Oh here it is! Right between the herpes tissues and the hypodermic needles. Just wipe it off on that bloody towel and it’s good to go.
They’re totally gonna get a “C” rating. C is for ice Cream! Yikes.
However, they leave behind so many happy customers!
The Lesbians take off before a riot begins while Team Such As is now completing the final task. They must take one of the longest ziplines in Asia! KICK ASS!
While Team Such As is flying through the air, carefree, the Lesbians are still muffed about getting shafted by the straighties.
This is Brandy’s impression of Ms. Teen. But I swear I’ve seen it…
Yup. That’s it.
Brandy goes on and on. Pretty much it would be AMAZING if these two made it. It’d be the most hostile “TAR” finale ever.
Team Such As flies through the challenge and heads to the pit stop. While over at the shipyard, the Dicks and Cowboys finish up counting and head out as the Lesbians arrive.
FINALLY something appropriate to wear. Don’t forget the face mask!
The Cowboys speed off in their taxi but unfortunately the Dicks are left behind without one. So what do they try to do?! LIE AND STEAL THE LESBIANS CAB!!! I swear – if that happens, Brandy will seriously lay waste to the entire continent.
Thankfully, the cabbie refuses and stands by his women. The Dicks end up paying some chick to hop out of her cab and give it to them. They then speed off and leave her for dead.
Up ahead, Team Such As checks in as team number 2! Which leaves the Cowboys and Dicks racing for #3. There’s no way the Lesbians are gonna catch up unless one the teams does something incredibly stupid…
Case in point. Oh Cowboys.
However they do make it to the pit stop alright and take the #3 spot. Phil asks about their awful drum playing and Jet says, “The closest we ever got to playing an instrument is turning on the radio.” SO ADORKABLE. Love them.
Team Dicks are on their way to the zipline – the Lesbians only hope is that Louis’ heart gives out – or the rope that’s holding him up. However, the Dicks land first and then the Lesbians fly through.
Teams race each other via taxis to the finish line. But that doesn’t mean Brandy’s gonna stop saying awful shit about Team Such As.
That’s Carol-speak for “Shut the hell up before we become the most hated/bitter team in the history of this show.”
Team Dicks check in as Team #4 and beat the Lesbians! IRONICALLY, if Team Dicks hadn’t convinced Team Such As to U-Turn the Lesbians, they would’ve been last! They literally saved their own asses!
Team Lesbians check in and they are… ELIMINATED!!! Ahhhh DAMN IT!!!! I had so much fun busting on these two!!! Brandy goes off on yet another tirade about Team Such As. If I was Carol I’d seriously think about booking a separate flight back home or buying those noise canceling headphones. Even Phil looks like he wants to slap her. I’d be pissed too though… IF I GOT BEAT BY MORONS!!! FAIL!!! HAHAHAHAHA!
That’s it! What did everyone think?! Any highlights? Shocked about the order of things? Glad the Lesbians are gone? Sad, like I am, to see them go? And how about those ice cream sandwiches?! Love to hear your thoughts! Come on and dish it!