Leaving on a Jet Plane

We’ve now had two episodes without Romber, and I have to admit… I don’t miss them. Of course, we don’t need to miss Romber, because all you have to do is scroll through your channels and you’ll find them somewhere on some other show.

But more importantly, there has been so much going on that I’ve realized that we don’t need them! My feelings for them have been completely overcome for my feelings for Mirna and Shmirna, our very own CrazyPants. It’s not that I love Team CrazyPants (not by a long shot) but I can’t stop watching them. Each episode, I find myself looking forward to see what Crazy they will bring.

So let’s find out what they did this time!

This episode opens in Maputo, Mozambique. Phil explains that the Pit Stop in Maputo was a fort built to save the city from foreign invaders. Ah, TAR irony, for they brought our very own Race foreign invaders to the fort! Phil also tells us that Joyce and Uchenna were the last to arrive at the Pit Stop. Since it wasn’t a non-elimination leg, they are still the Race, but they have been marked for elimination.

Mirna and Shmirna are the first to leave, since they came in first last leg. Let’s not re-live that pain. Let’s just read the clue: Teams must fly more than 1,400 miles to Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. When they land, they must travel 10 miles by taxi to a ferry terminal, where they must get a number for one of four ferries. The ferries will take them to the island of Zanzibar, where they will receive their next clue.

Reading clues is boring, but you know what’s not boring? Mirna. Crazy and delusional, sure, but never, ever boring. She babbles on about taking risks to win, and then we cut to Team CrazyPants in their car. Mirna immediately starts in on the driver: “Can you go a little faster? Be careful of the people! Don’t hit the people, Mister!” The driver seems really excited about Mirna’s feedback on his driving skills.

Guess you should have rebuilt that fort to keep out the foreign invaders, buddy.

The BQ’s are the second to leave. They interview that they’re hoping to be first this leg of the race, although they’re scared about competing with Too Hot to Handle.

If we didn’t already have the name Team CrazyPants, I might consider switching to Team Too Hot to Handle, because that makes me laugh, too. But I’m sticking with the Crazy. After all, if someone is joining our recaps midstream, and Crazy isn’t wearing their shirts, a new person might not know who “Team Too Hot to Handle” is, but there can be no question in anyone’s mind who “Team CrazyPants” refers to.

Teri and Ian are third and are still boring, so why bother recapping what they said, because it was essentially “We are old and boring.” Team Cha Cha Cha is the fourth team to leave. Oswald Vanna Whites their clue:

Then they dance off to their car with a little “Move it, move it” action. And that makes me want to sing. Everyone join in: I like to move it, move it! You like to move it!

Now that song can be in all of our heads for the rest of the day…

Oswald then talks about not getting caught up in the competitiveness of the Race and how it’s important to have fun. And then they start saying their driver’s name, Andre, over and over and laughing. I have been told that this is a Project Runway reference, but since I don’t watch the show, you’ll just have to laugh amongst yourself over that one.

Team Guido leaves next and they are almost as boring as Teri and Ian. And then Eric and Danielle, who leave at 10:33pm. Dani says that doing the Race with Eric is very important because they’re both forming opinions of each other. Luckily, I am forming opinions of them too, and my opinion is that this relationship isn’t going to last for long. It’s not that I think talking about your girlfriend’s boobs every week on national television isn’t awesome (because it is). My concern can best be expressed by examining the interaction between them.

Here’s what they talked about in the car after finding out they were going to Tanzania. Eric: “Heh, heh. Tanzanian Devil.” Dani: “It’s the Tanzamania Devil.” Eric: “I was just kidding.” Dani: “Ha ha.” Eric: “Heh heh.”

Good God. It’s like recapping Beavis & Butthead. First of all, is the Tasmanian Devil really that hard to remember? Second of all, did none of these teams look at a map of the world and familiarize themselves with one or two countries before the Race? And finally, I would expect a conversation like that between fourteen year old boys, but not between a dating couple.

Joyce and Uchenna are the last to leave, and I can’t help noticing that they leave at 10:36 – which means that although they are marked for elimination, they only came in 3 minutes between the Guidos and Eric and Dani.

Team CrazyPants is at the airport, which is dark and looks closed. Mirna and Shmirna find the one open office, where a woman who looks cold and tired tells them to come back the next day at 5am when the counters open. Mirna really wants to call South African Airways, and both Crazies start doing their weird broken English thing, telling her “We try, we try.” The nice woman replies “It’s not possible.” (You know, ‘coz they’re closed!) But Mirna keeps asking “What number do you have to dial out? 9?” as if phones in Africa are set up exactly the same as phones in her law office in Maryland.

Meanwhile, Charla is harassing her with “Why not possible? You just dial. Hit, hit, hit” while she mimes out dialing a phone. That woman is lucky Team CrazyPants came along to explain phones to her. Up until then, she sat there at her desk, looking at her phone, wondering “Why does this calculator not add?!”

Mirna finally decides that they are wasting time and they decide to go back to their hotel and return in the morning. The BQ’s are right behind them, and decide to go back to the hotel too.

But Teri and Ian decide to spend the night in the airport. Well, to be precise, Ian decides to spend the night in the airport. Teri would like to go back to the hotel and get some sleep. But guess who wins? In typical Ian fashion, he asks probing questions like: “Do you want to be at the back of the line, or do you want to be a little bit inconvenienced?” Yes, the choice is exactly that, Ian. Damn Teri and her desire to sabotage you!

The next morning at the airport, the teams learn that the 8:30am flight to Dar es Salaam is full. Everyone is trying to get on standby for the flight when they learn that there is a flight from Johannesburg to Dar es Salaam. While the flight to Johannesburg has tickets, the flight from Johannesburg to Dar es Salaam is booked. It’s risky because if everyone else gets on the direct flight, the team that flew to Johannesburg could be way behind.

Team CrazyPants quickly decide to take the risk and rush off for the Johannesburg flight. The other teams worry about being stuck in Johannesburg (worse than being stuck in Maputo??) and decide to stay put and hope for the direct flight.

But hopes are dashed when a disembodied voice that appears to have been added later comes on to tell us that the 8:30 flight to Dar es Salaam is full and no teams will be getting on. The next best option is through South African Airways, which will require them all to fly to Johannesburg anyway. Or, as the Guidos put it “Now Mirna and Shmirna look like they’re geniuses.”

Team CrazyPants arrives in Johannesburg and is determined to be on the Dar es Salaam flight. Mirna says “I found a friend in Johannesburg. His name was Christo.” I will translate from the original Crazy for you. What Mirna means is: “We latched onto a poor unsuspecting guy named Christo who was too nice to send us away when our looney tunes came out.”

Christo is trying to help them get on the flight, when Mirna grabs him and says “Let’s just hold hands one moment and think about this. Please, please, let us get on this flight, our friend Christo is working overtime for us.” Then she turns to Christo and says “Are you praying too, okay, please pray.” It’s really awkward.

In an interview, Shmirna says “It was awkward.” But what does Mirna think? Well, Mirna says “He enjoyed it.”

What must it be like to live on Planet Mirna??

And awkward becomes the theme of the next few minutes of the show.

Shmirna is hiding under the counter: awkward

Team Crazy getting the tickets and Mirna kissing the ticket agents hand: awkward.

Shmirna popping out from under the counter to hug her: awkward.

Finally they rush off to their flight, and for some reason TAR didn’t show us the footage of how relieved Christo was when they were gone. He would call you and tell you about it, but the girls didn’t take the time to explain how to dial a phone to him.

While Team CrazyPants is boarding the flight, the other teams are still trying to find a flight out of Maputo. Down at the ticket counter, Eric notices that the South Africa Airways office is open and decides to go upstairs. The BQ’s, Cha Cha Cha and Joyce and Uchenna follow him.

Teri and Ian and the Guidos decide to stay at the ticket counter. The Guidos believe that the other teams are “just doing something to be doing something.” Which is true — they are getting tickets to be winning, Guido! And Ian declares that “Standing in line is the thing to do.” Also true, as long as losing is also the thing to do.

In the South African Airways office, the teams learn that there is an 11:45 flight to Johannesburg and a connecting flight to Dar es Salaam. He books the teams to Johannesburg and then puts them on stand-by for the Dar es Salaam flight. Back at the ticket counters, Teri and Ian and the Guido do the exact same thing.

Everyone flies to Johannesburg and rushes to get on the stand-by flight to Dar es Salaam. But only 8 people actually make the cut to get on the flight – Cha Cha Cha; Uchenna and Joyce; the BQ’s; and Eric & Dani. Teri and Ian and the Guidos don’t get on the flight – guess waiting passively hoping that tickets would magically come to you because you deserved them wasn’t the best strategy after all. Sorry for the inconvenience, Ian.

Eric and Danielle board the plane. Eric can’t believe it’s happening, and says “I’m still waiting for somebody to run after us and tell us to stop.” Maybe Eric shouldn’t have said that right after rubbing the magic lamp, because lo and behind the genie made it come true. It seems that Eric and Dani were accidentally given someone else’s seats and they are asked to deplane.

As they pack up their things and get off, TAR plays ominous music and cuts to a commercial. Normally when this happens, it’s the old trademarked move: TAR False Alarm to Scare Usâ„¢ and by the time we get back from commercial, the problem is solved. Remember when they tried to convince us that Teri was going to drown during the rafting challenge?! As if! But this time, Eric and Dani are still stuck and frustrated post-commercial break (or, as I like to call it “Run and Grab That New Stephen Colbert Ice Cream Break”).

Eric and Dani are approached by a Trying To Be Helpful Airport Messenger (don’t shoot him!), who tells them that he has put them on Priority Standby for a flight that leaves at 9:55 the next morning. Eric and Dani aren’t too thrilled with this, but that’s all that Trying To Be Helpful Airport Messenger (TTBHAM) can do.

Then TTBHAM has to go back to Teri and Ian and the Guidos, who attack him with: “Are you going to help us now? Are you going to abandon us? What can you do for us?” And I feel very sad for TTBHAM, because it’s not his fault that TAR has decided to have our teams travel during a Muslim religious holiday where all the flights are booked because everyone is traveling to Mecca. TTBHAM totally should have bumped people – what’s an immortal soul versus one million American dollars?!

Nothing, apparently, because TTBHAM gets all our folks on standby and the group gets ready to spend another night in the airport. They all realize that they are now in a three-way tie for last place. Or, as Ian put it: “We’re on the same sinking boat.” Ian then threatened to hit the boat for having the audacity to inconvenience him.

Meanwhile, Mirna and Shmirna land in Dar es Salaam at 2:52pm. It is ridiculous how far ahead they are. They get to the dhow and learn that because of bad weather, it will not be leaving until 5:30 the next morning. TAR then cuts to some clouds in the sky, trying to make us believe that a storm is about to happen.

But when you look behind Team CrazyPants, we can see how blue the sky is.

I’m not saying that TAR is lying to us and deliberately delayed Team CrazyPants to make it a closer race… but it does seem suspicious, doesn’t it?

The plane carrying Cha Cha Cha, the BQ’s and Joyce and Uchenna lands, and there is the typical rush for cabs to take them to the dhow. As Cha Cha Cha’s cab pulls up, the cab driver tells them “This is the ferry area.” Cha Cha Cha loves it, and apparently re-interpreting the idea of “ferry area”.

Cha Cha Cha gets the second spot on the 5:30 am ferry, while the BQ’s and Joyce and Uchenna will be sharing the 8:30am ferry.

At 4:30 in the morning, Cha Cha Cha is waiting for the dhow. Oswald approaches Danny, playing Gay Hooker in Africa (just like I did growing up!), asking “What are you doing at this lonely dock this late at night? Are you looking for some company? I come cheap.” When Team CrazyPants arrives, Oswald tells them, “This is our corner, we work this bench.” Team CrazyPants moves away, saying that they’ll sleep on another bench. Oswald replies “There’s no sleeping, honey. You didn’t get the joke.”

At first I thought that I had yet another reason to hate them – it’s in the TVgasm bylaws to hate people with no senses of humor. But then I realized that we were all better off that way. If they had understood the joke, they would have joined in, and we would have been subjected to sex jokes by Mirna and Shmirna. I’d much rather have them humorless.

Back at the Johannesburg airport, Eric sets up the ropes to make sure that the waiting lines are clear. When Teri and Ian stand elsewhere, Eric asks “You guys aren’t going to honor the line.” When Ian says he didn’t think that there was a line, Eric points out “These ropes are for lines.” Ian says that they don’t want to fight over standby, Eric agrees that they shouldn’t fight, but then points out that he and Dani were there first. While Eric is saying all of this, he is twitching and rocking back and forth. And while the whole “waiting in line” thing isn’t that interesting to me, it is interesting that Eric managed to score some coke in the Johannesburg Airport.

Then we find out that Ian’s lackadaisical attitude about the line for standby was misplaced. As expected… Ian gets mad (at Teri) when he makes the wrong choice, but then doesn’t seem to care at all about things that he could control. Because there are only two seats being given to standby passengers on the 9:55 flight, and those two seats are going to Eric and Danielle. Teri and Ian and the Guidos are left behind in Johannesburg. I hope Eric hooked them up with his dealer before he left.

On the second dhow, Uchenna is explaining the route they are taking was the same route used to bring the slaves away from Africa. Then Uchenna tells the BQ’s “Now it’s your turn.” The BQ’s laugh uncomfortably, and I don’t blame them. What was he talking about? Does he mean that he’s going to sell the BQ’s into slavery? I do think that a pair of blonde beauty queens would fetch a fetching price and it would certainly help Joyce and Uchenna get their 30 minute advantage if the girls suddenly disappeared.

We cut to commercial, where we find out that we can actually discover what music helps the BQ’s through the race. Answer: Life is a Highway. Well, I guess they can sing it to each other when they’re both in the harem of a Saudi prince.

On the first dhow, things seem lovely at first. The teams relax on the boat, and Oswald considers trading Mirna and Shmirna for food. And then Shmirna starts to puke over the side. I really could do without the heightened audio for that, Show.

The interesting thing is that while Shmirna is puking her guts out, Mirna is leaning back in the sun, smiling, offering no help to her teammate whatsoever.

It’s Oswald who gets up and applies a cold compress to the back of her neck to make her feel better. Shmirna is grateful, saying: “They’re like doctors. You guys know a lot of beauty tips.” And I learned something here, because now I want to sue my doctor for medical malpractice because he’s never given me beauty advice. But since when was “apply a cold compress” beauty advice? This could actually explain a lot about how Team CrazyPants looks they way they do – They think the secret to looking made up is “Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.” You should see what they do with an ankle brace.

Back in Johannesburg, Teri and Ian and the Guidos finally board an Air Malawi flight to Dar es Salaam. As they’re boarding, the first dhow is arriving in Zanzibar. They quickly find the kiosk and get the clue, where they discover that they have to choose between Solve It (solving a 62 piece puzzle) or Schlep It (loading 2 50-pound logs into a court and delivering them to a shipyard one mile away).

Both Team CrazyPants and Cha Cha Cha decide to do the puzzle. Neither has much trouble, although that doesn’t stop Mirna from picking at Shmirna: “Don’t talk too much, and work.” “Charla, pick up the pace. Come on, Charla, don’t stop.” Give it a rest!

Cha Cha Cha finishes first and gets their next clue. They have to make their way 15 miles into bush country to the village of Kikunwi, home to members of the Masai tribe, where they’ll find their next clue.

Cha Cha Cha takes off in a taxi. They stop on the way to get fruit, because being out in the sun all day has dehydrated them.

Team CrazyPants finished the puzzle and is not far behind. Mirna immediately sets into their cab driver: “Can you go a little bit fast, we’re not here for a leisurely stroll.” I love how Mirna assumes that the African cab driver will be personally invested in her quest to win.

The Fruit Stop turned out to cost Cha Cha Cha valuable time in getting to the Road Block, because Team CrazyPants arrive first. They learn that they have to use a traditional wooden weapon called a rungu, which they must throw 65 feet to destroy a target that has the clue hidden inside. Cha Cha Cha shows up, but isn’t able to make up for lost time. Mirna finishes first and there is a lot of high-pitched screaming.

Team Crazy takes off for the Pit Stop. Oswald declares: “Mirna got one. She must have been praying to her grandmother, her grandfather and her eternal lineage.” I could not love Team Cha Cha Cha more. I wish that we could get them in the TVGasm studio and have them to do a live blog of the episode while we all watched together. Sigh.

Danny finally hits the target and they get the clue. They race off and the Show tries to convince us that it’s close by showing us footage of Crazy going into the wrong building. But it’s clearly a misdirect and moments later Phil checks them in as Team #1. I can’t believe that happened two weeks in a row.

But it actually ended up being on of the funnier first place finishes. Normally there is joy and excitement at the first place, followed by joy and excitement over their prize. But when Phil tells the girls that they each won a catamaran, everything stops. “Huh?” “What is that?” Phil explains that it’s a boat. Other things that really confuse Mirna and Shmirna: catalogues, catastrophes, cat-o-nine-tails, catfish, dictionaries.

Cha Cha Cha checks in as Team #2. This is about the same time as the second boat lands. Or, because the BQ’s are aboard, the second boata lands. Joyce and Uchenna decide to do the puzzle while the BQ’s decide to do the logs. Joyce and Uchenna don’t have much trouble with the puzzle. The BQ’s don’t have much trouble either, but the task takes longer and is more physically taxing.

Meanwhile, Eric and Dani have landed and get their very own dhow. While they’re getting their clue, the plane carrying Teri and Ian and the Guidos lands. They rush to the ferry, and learn that they won’t be leaving until 8pm.

Back at the Masai camp, Uchenna is throwing the rungu. He also finishes this without too much trouble. It’s interesting to me that none of the tasks in this leg actually give the teams any trouble. Who wins and who loses is based entirely on what flight they got on.

Uchenna and Joyce are leaving for the Pit Stop as the BQ’s show up. This is also about the same time that Eric and Dani start on their puzzle. Everyone finishes without anything interesting happening. Joyce and Uchenna arrive at the Pit Stop and Phil starts the clock. They want us to be nervous here, but no one else checks in during that 30 minute lag, so Joyce and Uchenna are Team #3.

The BQ’s arrive and check in as Team #4. Meanwhile, Eric and Dani get to the masai. Dani is in charge of throwing and Eric is incredibly supportive of her. And by supportive, I mean that he tells her that she’s doing horribly and laughs at her. Sigh. At least he’s not talking about her boobs. Eventually she hits the post, but the impact knocks down the target and breaks it so they get their clue and take off. They get to the Pit Stop and check in as Team #5.

Meanwhile, the last dhow finally lands and it’s a race for last place. Teri and Ian and the Guidos both choose the puzzle. Teri and Ian seem to be just randomly sticking puzzle pieces anywhere, so the Guidos finish first. Way to use those detective skills, Ian!

The Guidos rush out and get to the target. When they arrive, it looks like dawn is breaking, so presumably it’s the next morning? I wish Amazing Race gave us check-in times, but by my guess, the teams are at least 12+ hours behind Team Crazy, right?

Anyway, the Guidos hit the target and take off before Teri and Ian arrive. Ian gets the clue pretty quickly, though… or so it seems. The Guidos are in the car mentioning being lost as Teri and Ian are in their car talking about going fast. When they arrive at the fort, the Show even shows us the Guidos going in the wrong door.

But in the end, the Guidos are the first to the mat, and check in as Team #6. Teri and Ian check in afterwards and get Philiminated.

In memory of Ian, I use my detective skills, and I think the light changes pretty significantly from the time that the Guidos check in to the time Teri and Ian do. I think, yet again, the Show just edited it to make it look like it was a tight race. But either way, Teri and Ian are gone. And honestly, I don’t feel strongly one way or the other about them being gone.

As a side-note, is anyone else watching Elimination Station? Ian talks about how he mistrusts Danny and Oswald and how they’re playing a dirty game. Check it out. I’m not buying it. Team Cha Cha Cha forever!

Anyway, I’m super excited for Sunday’s special two hour episode. I hope it’s a good one. I have to say that while I enjoy every single episode of the Race, I found this one an odd mixture of exciting and boring. No one got lost, no one had any trouble with the tasks, no one had any trouble dealing with the locals. I want more!

I’m also dying to see how the Show handles these huge disparities with the check-in times. I’m pretty sure that they won’t let Crazy and Cha Cha Cha have a 14 hours head start over the Guidos… Right? So let’s hope for a fast forward or a detour or something awesome! And we know for sure we’ll have more crazy adventures from Team CrazyPants!