Whine and Cheese

When we last left our plucky group of adventurers on The Amazing Race, hefty traveler Gus and his quietly supportive daughter Hera were eliminated when a simple fording of the Danube river proved to be more difficult than a simple apology from Jonathan to Victoria. So now we’re left with six teams. Six glorious teams of models and complainers and generally undeserving couples (except Kris and Jon, of course). What to do? Well, head off to the next clue!Teams were first sent off to the town of Borudvar – or “Buddha F-ck” as they uniformly pronounced it (one or two modest teams were kind enough to simply say “Buddha Fock” — clearly big fans of Ben Stiller in-law comedy). As teams scampered to the location, we were privy once again to Victoria’s delusions as she explained “I’m not the type of girl that needs someone to hold my hand and be overly affectionate,” which is good because she’s, you know, a battered wife. But seriously, according to Victoria, she and Jonathan just have a unique relationship: “We always seem to kiss and makeup.” And then, you know, he gives her a love beating. You wouldn’t understand. It’s special.

Meanwhile, Hayden established herself as Cranky McBitchalot this episode as she adopted a sour frown from the getgo. Before anything had even happened, Aaron leaned in for a kiss, causing his mongrel teammate to scowl away as if he had extreme halitosis issues (which is not entirely out of the question following last week’s Hungarian soup debacle). Somebody call Red Lobster. Looks like Hayden’s throwing CrabFest 2005.

Elsewhere, Rebecca was babbling again about how she loves Adam but she’s not in love with him. “I do love Adam, but that’s not enough to make a relationship work,” she explained. Yeah, it’s hard to get a relationship to work, and that whole thing about him being gay is NOT helping. Good god, how many times are they going to set me up for this joke?

Teams eventually made their way to Buddha Fudge where they discovered the next clue would not be available until 10 AM the next morning. Time to make like a bum and sleep in the streets again! Some chiropractor is making a shitload off this show. The next day, teams scurried into a winery where they braved low ceilings to get to the next route marker. Amazingly, Freddy managed to safely navigate the corridors without hitting his melon once. Rumor has it he wore a hard hat just in case. Yes, a hard hat. Made of stupidity.

Around this time Phil popped up on our screens to alert us that everyone would now be making their way to Corsica, aka Still Europe. There they would have to find Napoleon’s (Bonaparte, not Dynamite) childhood home and receive a clue from – OH MY GOD – Napoleon himself!!! Oh wait, no, that was just an impersonator. Or at least I hope so. If people in Corsica dress like that normally, I’d be a little alarmed.

Teams all hopped in cabs for the airport. Ever the international communicator, Hayden flapped her hands as she said “Take us to the airline.” Apparently she was planning on riding a flock of doves and hummingbirds to Corsica. Kris and Jon, meanwhile, found themselves calling for tickets ahead of time, all from inside a random veterinarian clinic. Even more bizarre was that the vet allowed the two to use a phone inside the examination room —  during an examination. Another reason why vets make bad gynecologists.

Later at the airport, Adam complained that Rebecca had been treating him like a kid by not allowing him to purchase tickets. He then added “But I wanna do it!!!” and then wailed until Rebecca gave him his Five Alive juice box. Amazingly, Adam accused Rebecca of being dramatic (the most dramatic person EVER, I believe was the actual label), and to prove just how dramatic she was, he went off to a bench and sulked. When asked later why he was being so dramatic, Adam explained “I know you are, but what am I?”

Outside the airport, Jonathan was giving himself props for visiting a travel agent ahead of time. “I can outthink them,” he said, immediately focusing on his new chief rivals, Lori and Bolo. Look, outthinking Lori and Bolo does not correlate to success. Just about the only thing that can’t outthink them are Lori’s implants, and even that I’m not so sure about. Still, Jonathan felt threatened by the wrestlers. “I’m looking at her [Lori] with her masculine voice,” he said… in his effeminate voice.

Aside from the occasional drama flare ups from Adam, all seemed to go well for everyone at the airport — except for Kris and Jon. Even though they had made reservations under the watchful eye of a shaggy dog at the veterinarian clinic, the airline no longer could honor their booking. The show cut to commercial as we worried, “Is this curtains for our last tolerable team?” Silly us! Upon returning from the break, the airline employee announced that he could give them tickets, but they had to be… PAPER TICKETS! Oh the horror! The airline guy recoiled as he removed the vile specimens with protective tongs and handed them to the ugly Americans. Meanwhile, Jon and Kris grabbed their tickets as if they were diamond encrusted and boarded the plane.

In Corsica, teams nabbed their next clue from the fake Napoleon whose sly wink to the camera was unappreciated, I might add. I like my historical figures stern and unapproachable, not saucy and coy. Nevertheless, the ever elusive Fast Forward reared its neon green head again, tempting the likes of Rebecca, Adam, Jonathan, and Victoria. Unfortunately for our favorite abusive couple, Adam and Rebecca reached the challenge spot first where they were to don antiquated diving gear and retrieve the Fast Forward from a lobster trap. Dejected, Jonathan and Victoria noisily left the Fast Forward and joined the rest of the teams heading to the next route marker.

Perhaps a tad flustered by the pressures of the race, Hayden’s brain froze as she slid into the driver’s seat of a car and yelled “I don’t know how to do this!” How does one suddenly forget how to drive? I mean, she managed just fine with the Trabant in Hungary. Maybe she incurred some brain damage along the way. I bet that fake Napoleon got a bit too randy with her. That or a brick fell on her head. Either way, I’d like to see the footage.

Meanwhile, at the Fast Forward, Adam and Rebecca were having two wildly varying experiences. Rebecca had no trouble with her metal suit, and to the tune of an “aaaahhhh”-like Enya melody, she booked it underwater to the lobster trap. Unfortunately Adam had major difficulties working the valve in his suit. Instead of plummeting into the depths of the ten foot abyss, the frantic personal trainer floated along on his back, occasionally rolling around like a log making its way down a river. Adam yelled out for help by whining various combinations of “The valve!”, “I can’t reach it!”, “It’s not working!”, and eventually the entire Corsican dive team was in the water desperately trying to submerge him beneath the waves. When this approach was a bust, the crew hauled him out of the surf with about as much effort as it takes to rescue a manatee. It was okay though because Rebecca had snagged the Fast Forward. But wait, there was a catch. They weren’t able to use it until Adam went underwater and touched the lobster cage too. As Rebecca was so witty to say, this was more of a “slow forward” than a “fast forward.” Wow – you’d think she used to write for “Sex and the City.” Anyway, Adam finally calmed down and pulled off the dive, allowing the team to zip ahead to the Pit Stop and land first place. Upon arrival, Phil shot them a look as if to say “WTF? Since when do you two come in first?” Simmer down Phil.

As for everyone else, Jonathan and Victoria managed to fall behind the pack, which of course led Jonathan to scream, “It’s all your fault!” Huh? How? Why? But when Jonathan managed to pass some teams who were stopped at a gas station, he changed his tune to the more humble “Damn, I’m good.” Who else can’t wait for this guy’s obituary?

Meanwhile, expert navigators Freddy and Kendra anticipated that they’d reach the next marker ahead of Lori and Bolo. “They’re as dumb as a stick in the mud,” said Freddy, whose biggest claims to fame are being unable to avoid a falling gate and drinking his own vomit. Question: how is a stick in the mud dumber than a stick not in the mud? Couldn’t he just say “They’re as dumb as a stick?” Just wondering.

With Aaron driving like a little old lady — at least in his teammate’s view — Hayden suddenly remembered how to operate a moving vehicle and took over the driver’s position again. Aaron requested that she control her road rage, but Hayden simply rebuffed the notion by balking “control my road rage?” She then went on to add “You don’t tell me what to do, sissy boy. I have turds that have bigger balls than you!” It really didn’t make any sense, but we all got the picture.

Anyway, teams finally received their next clue which was the Detour. People could either scale a wall, grab a medallion from a random French legionnaire, and then rappel back down; or they could jump on a boat and scour the sea for buoys with clues. Everyone chose the wall except Jonathan and Victoria, who brought their marital disfunction out to the high seas. “Let’s go, you moron!” Jonathan yelled at Victoria after examining a faulty buoy. Just about all that was missing was a whip and some spurs. Meanwhile, overwhelmed by the futility of the task, Victoria channeled her own rage onto the ocean, yelling that she didn’t see any buoys anywhere. She then screamed “Why are you doing this, ocean! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!”

Amazingly, even though Jonathan and Victoria seemed hopeless out on the waves, the two still finished before a good number of the other teams had wrapped up their wall scaling duties. Freddy and Kendra led the way to the Roadblock, which involved stomping on grapes to make five bottles of wine. A teammate then had to down a glass of the freshly squeezed liquid in order to receive the next clue. Oddly enough, at the mention of wine tasting, all U.S. Film Critics stopped what they were doing and anointed The Amazing Race the Best Film of the Year.

Freddy and Kendra zipped through the roadblock without any problems. What I couldn’t understand for the life of me though was how Jonathan and Victoria had managed to arrive second. Nevertheless, Jonathan put his nasty feet into the bucket and stomped away, imagining every grape was Victoria’s face.

Around this time I thought to myself, “This roadblock is fun, but it doesn’t seem very difficult. There’s no skill required.” Of course moments later I ate my words as dexterous Jonathan managed to clog up his barrel and bring his wine progress to a complete halt. Excellent… While Jonathan tries to conquer the complexities of a nozzle, all the other teams (minus Hayden and Aaron who were off on some Corsican joyride) arrived and got to work, much to Victoria’s shrieking dismay. To be fair, Victoria wasn’t the only one nagging her spouse. Lori managed to drive Bolo nuts to the point where he raised his arm in a Three Stooges gesture that seemed to say “Why I oughta…” Lori then tried to poke him in the eyes, but Bolo stuck his hand between her fingers (and then a bowling ball fell on her head).

Eventually teams overtook Jonathan and left for the Pitstop, leaving Victoria with nothing to do but become a shrill mess. “There’s another rock inside the funnel!” she yelled, although to us it sounded like “Ihjaslkd asdofiuasdflkj!!!” I swear, she was speaking in tongues. Listen for yourself. In a happier mood though was Kris who described to Jon how she used her knowledge of “I Love Lucy” to power through the challenge. She then extorted her mouth into what was supposed to be a Lucille Ball expression, but Jon later informed us that it was merely just her blowjob face.

Meanwhile, lost in the misty forests of Corsica, Aaron and Hayden continued to bicker the day away. They finally reached the Roadblock, but were so far behind that even Jonathan and Victoria were gone. Up at the Pitstop, Freddy and Kendra – still wearing their medallions (they won first place in the Massive Tools competition) – checked in second, followed by the wrestlers – who almost toppled off the cliff as Lori, in her festive Riviera bikini outfit, careened into Bolo.

Hayden and Aaron zipped through the roadblock and then miraculously became geniuses with directions to the Pitstop. Jonathan and Victoria meanwhile hit traffic and fretted about their position. Oh stop producers. We know that the pornstars are way ahead of Hayden and Aaron. Stop patronizing us with this editing. Oh, but wait! As Jonathan and Victoria ambled towards the Pitstop, suddenly the Dating/Actors roared out of nowhere to rally for fifth place. Whaa? Damn you Amazing Race and your intensely exciting foot races!

Alas, in the end, Hayden and Aaron came in last, but wouldn’t you know it? Non-elimination round! In retrospect, I’m glad Jonathan and Victoria weren’t last because I don’t know how I would have dealt with such a tease of elimination.