ApplePie here, subbing for bluzgirl this week. So excited! Everyone got their dead baby head? hallucinogenics? popcorn? I do! Let’s do this!
So we open with our typical flashback, but this time it’s only 2010, when we meet “Dee Gaaaayys” that Realty Marcy – and this show’s entire storyline – stereotype like nobody’s business. AND they got Zachary Quinto to play one member of the doomed couple? Trés good timing, Ryan Murphy. The couple has an angry, passive-aggressive conversation about Halloween, cheating, “power bottoms” and other things that don’t seem to belong in the same paragraph together. I get the gist when not-Zachary-Quinto says, “[We’re] Hallow-Queens arguing over pumpkins” and then stomps out of the house to his power bottom personal trainer. This is not a couple with an Elton John/David Furnish level of happiness.
Like most couples, their problems can be solved with some chardonnay.
Rubber Man, impregnator extraordinaire, comes in to drown Quinto and break his neck in his own apple-bobbing bucket just before not-Zach returns to BAD INVESTMENT HOUSE in his cowboy Halloween costume. And …. Scene! Credits. Guess it wasn’t a murder suicide after all.
The Happy Harmons are having a brainstorming meeting with Realty Marcy. Surprisingly, the house has not sold even though it’s been on the market for a few weeks. Marcy suggests that the Harmons need a “fluffer” (can we shove ANY MORE overt and subtle sexual connotations into this show?) to bring a touch of style and élan to the place. We find out that Twinger Ginger egged the house last night from beyond the grave. Why? Don’t know … back to fluffer plans. Side note: McD really knows how to eat a sandwich.
Wait, lettuce can’t get pregnant, can it?
I can’t even pretend to be surprised that HH2 decide to go with the gay fluffer Marcy suggests; he IS cheaper than the British lady she knows.
Let’s visit Emmy-In-The-Bag Lange’s house. Addy is sitting next to Couger Fodder Travis, who is very sweetly reading a book about the history of Halloween to Addy. Aaargh, dude! Unless you’re talking about the basketball team, “Celtic” starts with a hard “C”. Other than that, it’s a very heartwarming scene (those are few and far between in this show). Constance stomps into the kitchen and sends Travis McFreeLoader off to the store for replacement chocolate chips and some cigarettes. She then warns Addy to stay away from Travis and ominously asks, “Remember what happened to the last one?” Apparently, Constance’s last boarder took some liberties with Addy, and I would guess he’s dead now. Assuming anyone from Constance’s past is dead is always a safe bet.
Larry comes trick-or-treating to HH2’s door, looking to score that thousand bucks he’s blackmailing McD for keeping quiet about Hayden’s death and the baby. McD refuses, amusingly punts Larry’s plastic pumpkin across the front yard, and goes inside to return to everyone’s favorite patient, Tate.
Maybe I should have borrowed Addy’s Snoopy costume.
Tate cries and begs as McD tries to break off his professional relationship with Tate. Following the pattern he does in his personal relationships, McD caves and says he’ll continue to meet with Tate, just not at BAD INVESTMENT HOUSE.
McD’s better half is meeting with an attractive security system installer who gives her the details of the system while she makes googly eyes at him. We know this guy from some other show or movie, but I can’t remember which one (Gasmii?).
I know a movie I’d like him to star in.
The mom from Six Feet Under has been busy carving some serious pumpkins for Halloween decorations, and when she finishes, asks Vivien for Halloween off so she can “visit her mother”. Vivien acquiesces and takes a finished jack-o’-lantern to the porch, where she sees our new favorite dead people, Chad (Quinto) and Patrick (not-Quinto), who identify themselves as Marcy’s fluffers (sure!).
And then shit gets weird … Chad and Patrick verbally spar in front of Ben & Viv while they all carve pumpkins under the auspices of turning BAD INVESTMENT HOUSE into Best Halloween House Evah so they can sell it. Chad tells B&V that the no-one-suspects-its-a-mass-grave-cover-gazebo has got to go if they want to sell this house. A understandably nervous Ben cuts himself with his carving knife at this idea. Luckily, Patrick’s ghost is an EMT so he takes Ben upstairs to the bathroom to sew up his hand. What comes next? An offer of fellatio! Even though we all know it’s not cheating if he’s a ghost – and you’re not gay if you’re the receiver – Ben turns him down and walks away.
I just use my hand instead of propositioning strange men in bathrooms, Patrick.
Meanwhile, Chad offers Viv some helpful pointers on how to catch yo’ cheatin’ man.
Just one snip and he’ll never cheat again, Vivien.
Violet’s in her room NOT cutting herself, thank goodness.
I feel pretty … oh so pretty
Addy, hiding under Violet’s bed, reveals herself by grabbing Violet’s ankle and asking Violet to make her pretty like Violet is. Violet begins the makeover and like any stylist worth her salt, talks to her client about sex. We find out Addy is NOT a virgin, but Violet is. Addy tells Violet she likes Violet’s house because “all her friends are here”.
And my mom killed all my friends.
And then we come to the saddest scene in the whole ep (and that’s saying a lot). Constance yells at Addy to take off the makeup and then says a lot of other horrible things to her poor daughter that suggest she may need a part-time caregiver for Addy. Mommy is burned out and needs a break!
Mother of the Year
Violet walks down the basement stairs, calling for Tate (apparently midnight is date time). He appears in the rubber man suit!!! What? Is he the father of Viv’s baby? Did he kill Chad? Is this just a coincidence?
I am a man of many layers … and one of them is neoprene.
Tate attempts to entertain Violet by providing all of us with more back story. He tells Violet that the home’s original owner, Dr. Charles McFetus, had many abortion patients and one of them told her boyfriend about him, who promised through a sinister phone call to the house “an eye for an eye” type of revenge. After hanging up the phone, Nora realized the import of this and runs upstairs to see an empty crib and a ladder against the window sill. When the police show up a few days later with a box marked “Evidence” (really?),
Family notification has come a long way in 90 years.
which contains baby parts preserved in jars of formaldehyde, Dr. Charles decides to create Franken-Baby. Nora wishes he wouldn’t.
An eye for an eye, a hand for a hoof.
Violet calls bullshit on the story and insists Tate take her out on a real date instead of meeting her in the basement all the time. Since tomorrow’s Halloween – and the DEAD WALK FREELY ON HALLOWEEN – he offers to take her out tomorrow.
The next day, Tate meets McD at a local park where trick or treaters and pedophiles are having a great day! McD must be on his period, because he gets all weepy and starts opening up to Tate about Violet’s penchant for scary Halloween costumes as a child. Who’s shrinking who here?
You’re giving me a discount on your hourly rate right now, right?
Cut to Addy in her own bedroom (for once), staring out at the dark night, miserably. Mommy of the Year has come through with a “pretty girl” mask with attached wig. Abby brightens considerably, even after Constance mentions she may be able to find an old maternity dress that Addy can squeeze into to complete her pretty girl costume. I am feeling sooooo much better about my own humble parenting skills at this moment.
Viv & Ben are getting dressed for the Best Halloween House Evah party and she confronts him about contacting Hayden, since Chad the Cheater Detective told her about checking phone records. Ben promises Vivien repeatedly that he hasn’t seen her, he has told Hayden not to call again, and that she is “over” (I guess “over” is code for shovel to the face). Viv says Hayden may call back since she left Hayden a message. With soap opera timing, the Blackberry rings and it is Hayden’s phone calling. Viv throws the phone down without answering it and says she’ll have to call Hayden later. Does that mean Larry took Hayden’s phone before burying her and is using it to get the head shot money? Hmmm …
Downstairs, Chad’s putting the finishing touches on the Best Halloween House Evah and derides Viv & Ben’s “Rite Aid” costumes. He quickly drops the subject to focus instead on “the bobbing station”, aka the site of his demise aka another opportunity for the writers to throw in a double entendre. He goes all “NO WIRE HANGERS” on McD, who foolishly bought Gala apples instead of Granny Smiths, as Chad had ordered.
Are you fucking kidding me right now, Chad? No one yells at McD but me!
Viv kicks C&P out after Chad refuses to calm down about Situation: Apple, but Deee Gaays tell Viv & Ben that the house is not theirs – the Harmons know it, Chad & Patrick know it, and the house knows it. Viv resorts to screaming and throwing things to get C&P to leave, which works. I’m going to have to try that method.
Since she’s on a roll, Viv kicks Ben out, too, but before he can hang his head in shame and apologize for communicating with Hayden (I bet he plans on crying, too, that pussy), Viv doubles over in pain, screaming that her fetus is painfully kicking her organs around (apparently, their baby is David Beckham playing soccer in his wife’s spike heels in there).
Who needs Abstinence Education when you have American Horror Story? I bet the teenaged mother birth rate goes down next year.
The Happy Harmons decide to leave Violet home while they go to the ER but make sure to tell her not to answer the door. More great parenting, brought to you by American Horror Story. Violet, home alone? Shitty idea, even without the home invasion PTSD, the fact that it’s Halloween, that she’s a cutter … there are many reasons why this chick should not be left alone right now. Addy comes to the door later to trick or treat, but since Violet’s iPodding it up in her room, she doesn’t hear the bell. And then shit gets real (this is a good ep, no?). Addy follows the slutty pre-teen trick or treaters
Thank you, Britney Spears, for changing the clothing rules for tweens everywhere
who arrived at Casa Harmon, took a piece of candy from the bowl B&V found the time to set up outside while her baby was going Pelé on her insides, insulted our favorite Pretty Girl, then left. Addy attempts to cross the street to catch up with the baby whores and gets run over by a car that immediately drives away. I bet Larry was driving! He doesn’t see well at night with just that one good eye and everything.
This is what happens to pretty girls who chase popularity.
She lays there on the road while we go to the hospital to check in with HH2. A nurse comes in and tells Viv the pains were probably just gas. As she starts the ultrasound, she tells B&V that the baby looks a lot bigger than 8 weeks. As they protest that they’re sure of the date, she wisely turns the screen away while she continues to investigate Viv’s womb of horrors. We see the nurse search the screen, obviously see something un-human-fetus-like, and then pass out. But I’m sure everything’s perfectly normal with Baby Harmon … perhaps the nurse simply has been working the last 18 hours straight and has low blood sugar.
Should’ve had a V8.
Back in front of BAD INVESTMENT HOUSE, bystanders bring Constance up to speed as EMTs try to save her Pretty Girl’s life. Constance mysteriously insists – against both medical advice and common sense – that Addy has to be brought over to Best Halloween House Evah’s front yard before she dies. I guess that’s the only way her spirit will stick around there? Addy dies just as Constance drags her body onto the front lawn. Does she get to REALLY party with Twinger Ginger now?
She DID look nice in that dress.
Meanwhile, The Maid of Many Faces has gone to visit her mother in an assisted living home. As she enters, she encounters a feeble elderly man shuffling down the hall with his mobile IV stand and leaky catheter tube.
Where does a guy have to go to take a leak in private around here?
Now, this does not gross me out as I have had three C-sections in three years and am intimately familiar with all the disgusting challenges that catheters offer, but I’m starting to think that one of the writers is a disgruntled former nurse. All this leaky catheter/killing chicks in nurse uniforms/fainting ultrasound nurses is overkill. You have a problem with nurses, we get it.
Anyway, I digress … Moira continues on to her mother’s depressing little room, where a respirator is keeping her alive. Moira apologizes to her mom for not being there for her and then removes the breathing tube. Her mother dies and then her spirit appears behind Moira, asking her daughter to come with her, but Moira sobs that she can’t. The spirit disappears and Moira’s left to cry on dead mom’s bed. Perhaps she should vacate the premises before one of the nurses (who should have appeared the second the machine started its distress call) finally waltzes in. Again, I’ll believe the best about nurses here … maybe there’s only one nurse on duty and she’s having trouble reattaching that man’s catheter tube.
Meet the President of the I-Hate-Ryan-Murphy Club
Violet has turned off the iPod and comes downstairs because someone is taking out some anger on her doorbell. It’s everyone’s favorite burn victim cum brain cancer patient cum blackmailer, Larry Harvey. He’s bellowing about the $1000 Ben owes him and Violet, who has wisely brought her cell phone with her (she’s learned a lot since that pesky home invasion) from her bedroom, calls her dad
I’m totes fine, Dad. Pls keep ur crazy patients away from me, k?
and he promises to come home right away.
Best Halloween Ever
Too bad rubber man is standing behind Violet in the kitchen.
Oh, Tate, you romantic devil.
B&V return from the hospital (what, no follow up on the fainting nurse or Rosemary’s Baby?) and frantically search for Violet, who appears to have been abducted. Viv’s upstairs as Ben answers one final knock … and we find out that the shovel did NOT deviate Hayden’s septum. Hooray for the dead walking freely!
I heard that girls in trouble could come to this house.
And with that, we’re left to wonder what will happen in the Halloween: Part II episode! Thanks for reading!