This is…the most boring American Idol ever.
Tonight is Billy Joel night. Stab me in the face. What is this? 1991? This shit is scraping the bottom of the barrel. Also, I have a cold and am highly medicated so I am more pissed off than usual. This should be fun.
To start off our happy show they show us a montage of the contestants crying over Shannon leaving the show. Boo fucking hoo. Suck it up you wahoos! If somebody got voted off a show I was competing in I would be ECSTATIC that I was one step closer to winning. Instead I feel like they all went off camera, sang Kumbaya and slit their wrists while sitting in a circle. Lord help us, if this is a sign of the night to come.
Tonight’s mentor is Diddy. The guy who raps. Perfect fit for a SINGING competition. Jeebus Murphy. I need to have a sit down with this show’s decision maker and slap some sense into that human. A rapper mentoring a Billy Joel night. That’s like an anorexic mentoring a group of aspiring chefs. Fucktards.
Let’s get started shall we?
DeAndre Brackensick – Only the Good Die Young
What in the tar is with his wide legged hop walk? And he’s back to flipping his damned hair. Why has no one cut that off yet? (Looking at you Hilfiger who loves his hair you idiot) Seriously though, I am over this kid’s voice already. The vibrato and the fake happy just didn’t do it for me.
Letter Grade: R for Ritalin
Steven – It was a little too happy but isn’t that what the world needs? (no)
Jennifer – I like that it was laid back. (who were you watching? that was ADD not laid back)
Randy – I wasn’t jumping up and down. (‘sall good. DeAndre jumped enough for both of you)
Erika Van Pelt – New York State of Mind
When she first hit the stage, I was wondering why Liza Minnelli was on Idol. Oops! That hair is more middle aged hag than Pink. Overall the song was slow and boring. But at least she didn’t over sing it and I will give her credit for not having an over the top vibrato.
Letter Grade: F for Find a better song
Randy – Yo! Yo! You have the look. Loved the vocals (Yo. Clean your glasses and ears)
Jennifer – Love the vocal, move around more (Or stay put and sing better)
Steven – Needs more character (Liza isn’t a character? Jeesh)
Joshua Jones – She’s Got A Way
He looked sad. Then he went from flat to gospel. No thanks! This song was a fail for Mr. Jones this week. Randy didn’t even clap at the end.
Letter Grade: D for depressing
Jennifer – Just needed to feel like you were connecting more (He needed to give a shit tonight)
Steven – You sang the sweat out of it (if by sweat you meant the feeling right out of it then yes)
Randy – Half and half (half bad and half worse)
Skylar Laine – Shameless by Billy Garth Joel Brooks
I was actually shocked to hear that this was a Billy Joel song. I have ONLY ever heard Garth Brooks sing it. Who knew? I love Skylar you know that but tonight? Oof. It was too soft, the key was too low and then suddenly she was screaming it. What in the hell happened? This was a really bad song choice.
Letter Grade: O for Ooooooh nooooooo
Randy – Yo! Key was too low and it was pitchy (I agree)
Jennifer – I love your attack (that wasn’t an attack that was a full out war on vocals)
Steven – You have conviction in your chorus (there is WAY more to a song than chorus)
Elise Testone – Vienna
Thank ROB she didn’t wear the high waist-ed bell bottoms recommended by Mr. Hilfiger. Jeebus man. You are off your game!! I like Elise’s voice. She could sing a great torch song. Too bad I hate this song. I have never heard it before and I will only be too happy to never hear it again.
Letter Grade: G for Good job on a song I hate
Steven – You were all over the place but still in the room (it’s called a stage Steven)
Jennifer – We saw your personality for the first time (her personality needs better songs)
Randy – You had a moment tonight (that moment was when the song ended)
Phillip Phillips – Movin’ Out
Clothing guy tells you grey sucks so you wear grey with grey. Singing guy tells you no guitar so you bring your guitar. I like this kid’s moxie. Tonight Phillip sang a cool smokin’ weed on the back porch watching the Northern Lights version of this song. Not that I know what that means but that is how that felt. Wink. I like this kid but I am starting to feel like he is a one trick pony. I need him to find a song and WOW me. He does sing well though.
Letter Grade: M for Mary Jane
Jennifer – Be who you are(for real? how much more him do you want?)
Steven – Don’t ever stop being you (wait are we in an after school special?)
Randy – Those that do should (yay! Randy killing the English language is my favorite)
Hollie Cavanaugh – Honesty
Not much to say. Girl sang the heck out of a BORING AS FUCK song. This show is killing me slower than being pecked to death by chickens. Jeebus. She finally dressed young and then sang and old gross song. Hopefully next week she can put it together.
Letter Grade: H for Help her someone!
Steven – Pitchy, over sang it but good (do you even listen to yourself speak?)
Jennifer – Need to learn all the notes (or she can forget the song completely)
Randy – Need to nail the verses (who listens to the verses on this show really?)
Heejun Han – My Life
Heejun does this dumb as fuck fake out at the beginning where he pretends to sing a slow song and then jumps into this up tempo number. It’s OK to be funny but after a while it just feels like he is trying too hard. While his singing sucked my left foot, he was the ONLY contestant so far to have fun and knock me out of my coma. He gets five points for that.
Letter Grade: B for ‘Bout damn time someone did something not slow
Jennifer – Breath of fresh air (yup)
Steven – You should take this business more seriously (yup)
Randy – At least you had a good time (yup)
(It’s like they listened this time hmmmm)
Jessica Sanchez – Everybody Has a Dream
At first I thought Jessica was doing OK. She toned down her vibrato a bit and actually sang and held the notes. BUT then, at the end, she jumped into her vocal gymnastics and lost me again. Just sing the damn song for once. If she would just tone it down for a whole song she would be great.
Letter Grade: N for Not they olympics kill the gymnastics
Steven – When God was giving vocal cords, she was at the front of the line (and then she abused them)
Jennifer – It was your defining moment (no it wasn’t)
Randy – Yo. You have a moment every week (a moment. meaning one not the whole song)
Colton Dixon – Piano Man
I was coming back downstairs from peeing when I heard him singing. I seriously thought that Jared Leto from 30 Seconds to Mars was singing. It took me a moment to realize that it was Colton. Seriously. Go find a 30STM song and LOOK and LISTEN. Exactly the same. He did really good for Jared Leto. Next time he should be Colton. Although if we are playing honest I wouldn’t kick either one out of my bed for, well, anything.
Letter Grade: D for Doppelganger
Jennifer – Goosies. (I thought we talked about that word Ms. Lo)
Steven – Stunning (I know I was stunned)
Randy – Touching, moving, so simple (simply someone else)
And that was it for tonight. What did you think? Were you as bored as I was? Did you up your dose of cold meds trying to make it interesting too? No? Just me? Liar.
Also, do you like the letter grade the night of the singing or when Jimmy and I critique? Lemme know in the comments.
Till Next Time,
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