This is…American Idol! And we hate criminals!! And liars!! And vibrato!! OK that last one was me. What the hell is up with all the singers and the major vibrato. After watching tonight’s episode I realized it isn’t just the contestants but the majority of “popular” singers today. Demi Lovato and Daughtry, guest stars of tonight, both have it too. When did it become OK to be an OK singer because “heck we gots the autotune”. Are you listening Jimmy Iovine? No more vibrato. Get these kids some damn vocal coaches. Or do what my old choir director used to do and make them stand in the corner for the rest of the night if they start using the vibrato. I would watch that shit! Man I hate the music industry today. But enough of my ranting lets get on to the show.
Ryanne Seacrest starts off by reminding us of last nights elimination of Jermaine “The Gentle Giant” Jones. You know, the guy who hid four outstanding warrants, one of which was for assault. But it’s OK. There was no assault. He was just messing with a friend and he had nails in his shoes. What the fuck?? Who in the Sam Hill wears nails in their shoes? And where were these nails? LOL this dude is off the charts crazy! I wish he would have tripped out on the producers last night. That would have made for some good TayVay!
Betcha my next stylist likes orange
Next up was the judge fuck part of the show where the judges brag about their latest accomplishments that have nothing to do with American Idol. Tonight’s whore? Jennifer Lopez.
Ms. Lo has the honor of gracing the cover of Vogue this month. Not only that but it’s the first digital edition ever. Well duh. With the amount of airbrushing that went on, it’s only fitting that it was the digital edition. Oh and she has another song and video coming out. Whatda ya figure? 1 week on the charts?
Will someone go find Jenny from the Block’s REAL ass please?
We also find out that next week Mr. Tommy Hilfiger will be the contestants
stylist image consultant. Not a moment too soon I say. Who ever in the hell has been dressing these kids and JLo needs to be put out in front of a firing squad. Plus, it’ll be nice to have someone specific to blame for the tragedy that is usually these kid’s clothing.
Yeah. So PBD has me in her cross-hairs. I’m skerd.
Then they play some dumb fucking Ford commercial that looks like it was shot by a grade 2 health class. Stop doing that shit NOW Idol/Ford.
Finally we get to why we are all watching. Ryanne calls up the first four. Phillip, Skylar, Elise, and Joshua. Before we find out who is saved and who makes it to the Summer Tour (whothefuck actually buys tickets to that shit show?) Jimmy and I grade them.
Phillip Phillips – Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes
Jimmy says, “He went far beyond the Call of Duty and gave a whole new meaning to sick day on AI.” I say, “Not bad for someone who was undoubtedly, high as a kite.”
Letter Grade: P – for Percocet.
Skylar Laine – Love Sneakin’ Up On You by Bonnie Raitt
Jimmy says,”I have faith in her, although it wasn’t the right song or melody.” I say,”I can’t say I loved it but I still like her personality so she can stay.”
Letter Grade: B – for Bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
Elise Testone – Let’s Stay Together by Al Green
Elise – Jimmy says,”I believed her, she owned it, knew where it was.” I say,”It was a good song for Elise. And if that was a good song for her, she should just go back to Karaoke.”
Letter Grade: O – for Owned the suck.
Joshua Ledet – When A Man Loves a Woman by Michael Bolton
Joshua – Jimmy says,”Nobody don’t sing it better.” I say,”Oh Jimmy! You are both challenged by the English language AND right!”
Letter Grade: W – for Werk it!
Joshua, Skylar, and Phillip are in the Summer Tour! And Elise gets sent to the Island of Chairs for Losers. Sad face but I called it! Yay me!
After the break we are treated to a performance by Demi Lovato. I’ll let my notes speak for me: VIBRATO fuck off. I hate autotune. Holy shit she’s out of breath. FROM WALKING! Even my fat ass doesn’t get winded from walking. Mostly. Also my cat left the room and my Teen quit playing his video game long enough to say,”Wow. That sucks so bad it hurts my feelings.” I repeat, my TEEN quit playing his VIDEO GAME to voice his disgust. ROFL!
Even my hair is trying to get away from this mess
We come back and Ryanne brings up the next four. Colton, Shannon, Jessica, and Deandre.
Deandre Brackensick – Endless Love by Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey
Jimmy says,”He did well in rehearsal but not so much on stage. And he has to remember this isn’t T-Ball. Everyone doesn’t get a trophy and an orange slice.” I say,”HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jimmy I lerv you!”
Letter Grade: O – for the Orange slice you don’t get.
Colton Dixon – Broken Heart by White Lion
Jimmy says,”Steven is gonna be hard on him, because he’s the rock guy.” I say,”Colton is not the rock guy. He’s the emo/indie pop guy. Now fix his hair.”
Letter Grade: O – for Obscure doesn’t mean good.
Shannon Magrane – One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men
Jimmy says,”She’s best when she doesn’t push too hard. But she pushed too hard. In the weeks to come she will have to tone it down.” I say,”She had to push too hard. She was singing a five part harmony ALONE. Song choice FAIL. Jeebus Murphy.”
Letter Grade: M – for Multiple Personality FAIL
Jessica Sanchez – Turn the Beat Around by Gloria Estefan
Jimmy says,”I support her choice to sing up tempo songs.” I say,”I support her choice to never, ever sing that song again. Ever in life.”
Letter Grade: N – for NO.
Colton, Jessica, and Deandre are IN. Shannon goes to the Island of Chairs for Losers. I would have sent Jessica but I am Canadian so I can’t vote. (although apparently I can, I’m just too lazy)
In an effort to drag the show out a full hour we get another “performance”. This time the guest is Daughtry. Again I will let my notes speak: Oh for fucks sake. The mike stand is too tall for the little cupcake. Can’t someone fix that shit? What in the fuck happened to real singing? Hate this shit. Jimmy Iovine R U listening?!?
When I am a big boy I won’t need a step stool.
That’s right folks, I’m a bitch in my living room too!
Finally Ryanne calls up the last three. It’s Heejun, Hollie, and Erika.
Hollie Cavanagh – The Power of Love by Celine Dion
Jimmy says,”Straight A’s. But they dressed her too old.” I say,”British Texan kid done did good. I liked it.”
Letter Grade: Y – for YAY!
Heejun Han – Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
Jimmy says,”There is going to be an Asian Pop explosion maybe led by Heejun, maybe not.” I say,”Richard Marx wants Heejun to quit breathing his song.”
Letter Grade: S – for Sing it next time.
Erika Van Pelt – Heaven by Bryan Adams
Jimmy says,”She over sang the song.” I say,”She sang?”
Letter Grade: H – Heavenly it weren’t.
Heejun and Holly are in the Summer Tour and Erika skulks over to the Island of Chairs for Losers.
Ryanne goes to the judges for their thoughts on the nights events.
JLo says that she is not happy with the bottom three especially Elise. She feels that Elise shone.
Steven agrees with JLo and then says that the kids just need to find the right song and sing it right.
Randy’s words of wisdom? “Very strange.” Seriously? You have the vocab of an 11th grade gangster wanna be and all you can say is very strange? Disappointed dawg.
We are not amused.
Ryanne tells Elise that she is safe!
Then he tells us that the final person on the Summer Tour is…Erika! WHAAAA? I really thought that she was a goner. But Shannon is up to “Sing for Her Life”. LOL that always makes me feel like these kids are going into the back and getting fed into a wood chipper if they fail. Also something I would watch!! Hahaha!
Anywho, Shannon does an AWFUL version of last nights train wreck (a feat in an of itself) and the judges choose NOT to save her.
So long Shannon!!
Wait. Stop the presses!!! I know exactly what happened. Am I the only one to notice that both contestants that tower over Ryanne left this week? Oooooh. I smell a delicate flower conspiracy. I see what you did here Seacrest. Well played. Well played indeed.
So whadda ya figure? Did the right contestant go home?
Follow a bitch on twitter PearlBlackDragon @PearlBDragon
Till Next Time,
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!