This is…still American Idol.
So tonight is what I consider the “official” start of the competition. All the chum has been tossed over board and we are left with some people who have a chance to win. I can’t say they are the best of the best because I really don’t give a flying fuck about some of them and I’m Canadian so I couldn’t vote for the people I liked. I get to judge not only the singers but America and the judges. YAY ME! Heads up – it’s a full moon and a full bottle of wine. All the makings of a fine recap.
As usual Ryanne Seacrest gives us her little recap of the competition up until now. Blah, blah, boring and stuff. But then she hucks a crowbar our way and tells us that there is yet another twist this season. Ryanne tells us that tonight will be Boys vs. Girls. The boys will be singing Stevie Wonder hits and the girls will pay tribute to Whitney Houston. Bobbayy! Tomorrow night the girl and the boy with the lowest number of votes will face the judges who will then decide who gets eliminated. Smells like X Factor to me. Also smells like a not so veiled attempt to get rid of the extra boy.
The judges enter and while I look for my drug addled Romeo, Steven, I see JLo. What in the love of all things is that woman wearing? Was she dressed by a blind straight man? Holy cripes. Not one human being on earth should ever wear that white one piece thing ever again. Ever.
It’s a sad day when Steven is better dressed than you.
Now I haven’t watched AI in a number of years so the addition of Jimmy Lovine giving tips along with the guest “mentor” is actually welcomed by me. He’s harsh and I like that. Tonight’s guest “mentor” is Mary J. Blige. Now while I am not the biggest fan, I will give bitch credit for coming through. She gave great tips and seemed like she knows what she is talking about. Eek. I was nice for a whole paragraph. Let’s stop that nonsense and get to the singing shall we?
Joshua Ledet, “I Wish”
The choir boy was supposed to give us “soul”. He gave me a seizure. Jeebus son, stand still! All his bouncing around was annoying. He didn’t really lend any emotion to the song and his James Brown doing a rendition of Stevie did nothing for me.
If I had to give him a letter grade I would give him a P. For puke.
Randy – You wore it out dog. It was flavorless – I mean flawless. (You had it right the first time.)
Jennifer – Felt the performance. (No sweetie. You felt a giant camel toe creeping up your throat.)
Steven – You have snap. Nailed it. (Snap? Really? WTF does that even mean?)
“Greatest Love of All” “I’m Your Baby Tonight”
First thing – what in the fuck is up with the stylist? That brown and orange monstrosity she wore should be killed with fire. While the stylist wears it. Oh sweet mother. She sang too low, too slow, and that horrible attempt at a “sexy” wiggle just highlighted how uncomfortable the performance was for everyone. Everyone. And stop with the growling already. Wrong song for growling. Unless you are singing to a bear. In that case, please growl to your hearts content. Letter Grade – E. For enough already.
Jennifer – Struggling to hard to make it your own. Didn’t do it. (amen)
Steven – Good but missed the Elise in it. (She was right there in the ugly dress)
Randy – Felt like you were boxing with the song. (Well she definitely wasn’t singing it)
Jermaine Jones, “Knocks Me off My Feet”
Boring! The only good part about Jermaine being on stage tonight was that he made Ryanne look like a petite young girl – just like in high school. It was like somone dubbed a slow boring song over a happy large man singing. Not good at all.
Letter Grade – Z. For Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Steven – Song fits like an Armani Suit. (Considering Armani does not make giant suits, I agree)
Jennifer – Needs to connect with the song more. (Connecting won’t fix flat tone)
Randy – Did not enjoy how the chorus was changed up. (I’ll take your word for it dawg)
Erika Van Pelt, “I Believe in You and Me”
Blech. Her nerves were as bad as a virgin on a Navy vessel. She messed up the beginning by singing much too low and then emphasised the tragedy by singing some parts OK. A rock chick should have NEVER chosen this song. She needed a valium and a shot of vodka from Steven, and something more upbeat.
Letter Grade – M. For Meh.
Randy – Amazing tone. Dude, don’t think – go. (I agree – go right off the stage)
Jennifer – Goosies. (I reserve the right to punch JLo for using that word. She is not two)
Steven – Thought it was beautiful once she let go. (the last 4 seconds don’t count)
Colton Dixon, “Lately”
I couldn’t understand a word he sang. And then he added in the Alanis Morrisette screech thing. Fucking stop that now. I guess he hit the notes OK but it was too slow. He could have made this into a killer rock cover but instead it should just be covered with a large rock and hidden away from the world.
Letter Grade – X. For xldhrfsarl.
Steven – You are only as good as your last note. (All I could understand were the notes)
Jennifer – Amazing when vulnerable. (Ah. Makes sense now. You can’t understand me when I cry either)
Randy – Yo. Last 8 bars were flawless. (Not a compliment Randy)
Shannon Magrane, “I Have Nothing”
Why? This was just a big mess. It was flat and she growled through it. Stop growling. You aren’t that edgy. Plus the nerve bug got to her in a big way. She looked like a deer in the headlights. Kind of funny actually.
Letter Grade – C. For clean up on aisle 3.
Jennifer – Think the thinking got the best of you. (or she was so scared she didn’t think)
Steven – Crashed and burned in the turn around. (if by turn around you mean the whole song)
Randy – You are here because you can sing. (Just not tonight)
Deandre Brackensick, “Master Blaster”
As soon as he embraces the her part of himself he is going to be spectacular. But hiding his herself in the closet lead to some very nervous energy that made him jump all over the stage. I couldn’t concentrate on his singing because his vibrato was making my teeth hurt. At least they tied his fucking hair back so he wasn’t flinging it all over the place.
Letter Grade – H. For hyperactive.
Steven – Different vibe. (you noticed it too huh Steven?
Jennifer – Love what you did with the song. (Really? Were we listening to the same person?)
Randy – Yo. Feeling it. You are a great balladator. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Skyler Laine, “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?”
Confession time. I like this kid. She is funny, sweet, and I just like her. Her singing tonight reminded me a lot of Reba McIntire. That isn’t a compliment though because there is already a Reba. It was a little flat in the beginning but she dug her feet in and pulled it out. Nothing mean to say.
Letter Grade – Y. For Yay! I like her.
Jennifer – Gave the biggest moment of the night. (Considering the others duh)
Steven – Climbed up that ladder and nailed it.(Um huh?)
Randy – Yo. Great country girl. Can sing any song. (Remains to be seen)
Heejun Han, “All in Love is Fair”
This kid slays me. He be funny. During his mentor session he gave Jimmy a picture of himself that said I love you. Then he gave Mary J. a picture that said I love you more than Jimmy. HAHA! I don’t care if he can sing but I want him to stick around for as long as possible for comic relief. As for the singing he looked really nervous and started out way too soft. It was building nicely but then he went soft again. That’s what she said! I kill me. It was good but for sure not his best.
Letter Grade – U. For unique.
Jennifer – I love you. Wonderful. (someone is trolling for a picture)
Steven – Fantastic. Love the voice. Special. (Special special or good special?)
Randy – Dude. Not perfect but really good.(wants a picture too)
Hollie Cavanagh, “All The Man That I Need”
This little girl sings really well but she shows no emotion. Like none. It was like watching a mannequin and that made her very forgettable. I had to look up her picture to remember who she is.
Letter Grade – Q. For quickly forgotten.
Randy – Man. Dude. You nailed it. (man. dude. you need a vocabulary)
Jennifer – The finale is going to be a girl sing off. (but Hollie won’t be there)
Steven – Really nice. Nailed it. (stop saying nailed it.)
Jeremy Rosado, “Ribbon in the Sky”
I want to like him but I don’t. I just don’t get the love fest for this kid. His song was awful. His eyes were closed for most of it – possibly so he couldn’t see himself fail or maybe he was trying to channel Stevie. He was so nervous and the low parts were so flat. I was so uncomfortable for this kid that I left the room. But the judges must be deaf, blinded by love, and high because they loved him.
Letter Grade – E. For ew, get your infected ass away from me.
Steven – Velvety smooth. (um what in the hell are you smoking and can you mail me some?)
Jennifer – Liked the interpretation. (stay out of Steven’s stash)
Randy – Song needs more swag. (A ballad with swag? Dumbass)
Jessica Sanchez, “I Will Always Love You”
Sweet mother of all things holy. I am going to punch this kid right in her vibrato. When did having really bad singing habits make you a good singer. Jeebus. To give her credit she did in fact hit all the right notes.
Letter Grade – V. For is that my vibrator in your throat?
Randy – Legit. (shut up now.)
Jennifer – Just amazing. The last three notes were beautiful. (i’ll give ya this one)
Steven – Made 40 million people cry. (actually 39,999,999. Unless I don’t count)
Phillip Phillips, “Superstition”
He looked like he was going to lose it to nerves in the first 3 seconds but then he caught himself and was great! He puts great emotion into his singing and he looked like he was having a lot of fun. Nothing bad to say.
Letter Grade – G. For get down!
Steven – A lot of forget about it in your voice. (what? seriously. mail me that shit)
Jennifer – Made it your own. Nailed it. (I am going to make a drinking game out of nailed it.)
Randy – Driving your own car in your own lane. (did you have a stroke today Randy?)
So. That was that for this episode of American Idol. What didja think? Let me know in the comment section below.
Until Next Time,
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