This is…the most confusing episode of American Idol ever.
Wow. Up is down and down is up. Contestants that have consistently given the suck turned it around tonight and, dare I say, the good contestants bit the green weenie. My head is reeling. Tomorrow night’s elimination will be a gooder.
As the judges enter stage left we get our first glimpse of Ms. Lopez and her gold lame atrocity. It makes her look like a washed out Oscar statuette. Fire her stylist. Now, I don’t want people to think that I am only picking on J-Lo because she is a girl. Nope. The boys have worn the same outfits with different colour variations every week. Too easy to make fun of.
Anywho…tonight the contestants will sing two songs. One from the catalogue of supergroup Queen and one of their own choosing. I love me some Queen – both musical and drag. These kids have some pretty big shoes to fill and I can only hope they don’t fuck it up too much.
But first, in an Idol change up, the kids sing a group number with Brian May and Roger Taylor of the aforementioned Queen. I hate the group sings and to butcher Queen will make me stabby. Here we go.
OH MY FART. This is the most boring Queen show EVER. But hey the guitar and drums were great! I mean the vocals didn’t suck but these kids never really gel on a group song so the bad high school musical always comes to mind when they do these things. Sorry Mr. Mercury, I guess they tried.
This is not the picture under “unity” in the dictionary
First up tonight
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
This is what my nightmare’s look like
Nobody but nobody sings this song like Freddie. And Jessica doesn’t even come close. She is too young and too well adjusted to give this song the right angst and grit that it needs. And how on earth is it possible to underwhelm while over singing. BLECH!
Letter grade – N. For No! Bad Jessica! Put down the Queen catalogue.
Steven – Rock isn’t your forte. (No it is not)
Jennifer – It needed a better rock performance (or just some performance)
Randy – When you sing a rock song channel Tina Turner (How bout we just don’t sing rock)
Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross
Now I wanna dance with MY dad
I wanna slam her for this song because I HATE HER VIBRATO. But. She did so well. This was an excellent song choice for her. Her vocals and emotion blended beautifully that I truly cannot fault her for this song. You win this round Ms. Sanchez.
Letter Grade – B. For ’bout damned time!
Jennifer – Best I’ve ever heard that song sang. (It was good)
Steven – I don’t think you could sing a song bad. (She can it just wasn’t this one)
Randy – You are truly amazing (This time)
The Show Must Go On by Queen
Not full of the shout
Holy shitballs! She sang! She didn’t scream this song at all! Well done. It’s nice to see her pull back and actually sing a song. Skylar is back!
Letter Grade – H for Hello!
Steven – The energy, the passion. That was fab. (Sure was)
Jennifer – Goosies. (Go to your room JLo)
Randy – Yo. That was incredible. Best to date. (I concur. dammit.)
Tattoos on this Town by Jason Aldean
Know why you can’t see my uvula? I’m not shouting
First of all I have never heard this song before. And Skylar’s blase performance of it makes me OK with never hearing it again. I miss her spark on this one. Again she didn’t shout but it was only OK.
Letter Grade – N for Need a match to light that fire back up
Randy – Another great performance. (Were you listening?)
Jennifer – You are very comfortable up there. (Dare I say a little too comfortable? Need a shake up)
Steven – You didn’t take that song where you always take a song. I miss that flare. (That’s what I said)
Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen
I can’t even look at you
Oomph. He is SO off key and it’s really noticeable because he’s trying too hard. Too much. Yuck.
(Judge standing O because, I believe, they are huffing glue)
Letter Grade – H for HELL to the NUH UH!
Randy – Unbelievable (Unbelievably bad)
Jennifer – The Josh part of the show is my favorite. (Put. The. Glue. Down.)
Steven – You sound like nobody else. (Thank goodness)
Ready for Love by India Arie
I’ve lost the suck. I can look at you now.
This time is SO much better. When he pulls back he has a great voice. Wow. Kid pulled it out.
(Judge O but this time I’m in the glue because I agree)
Letter Grade – H for HELL to the UH HUH!
Randy – Another unbelievable performance (Unbelievably good)
Jennifer – I don’t know what to say (So then why did you babble on for five minutes?)
Steven – I smell the finish line (Nope. That’s glue)
I Want it All by Queen
This is me watching my chance of winning leave
Great vocal but boring performance. This is a song where she could have really let loose but she seemed very closed off. Sad for her because she could have killed this song as rock is her gig.
Letter Grade – X for Xanax. As in don’t take any before performing
Steven – You found your stride (And then left it stage right)
Jennifer – You are in your element (Now sing like it)
Randy – Brilliant man (Wrong on both accounts)
Bold As Love by The Jimi Hendrix Experience
I can’t watch anymore
She hit every note but she just stood there. She needs to pull herself together. This was the wrong song for her and she could be going home this week.
Letter Grade – E for Egads that was boring.
Steven – You gotta do songs that everyone knows (Amen)
Jennifer – You slayed it so hard (And not in the good way)
Randy – Wrong song for this part of the competition (Or any part of the competition)
Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen
There he is
Hell yes! Perfect song choice for him! BUT he needed to move around more. He could have done so much better if he had just thrown in some of his awkward enjoyment.
Letter Grade – S for Slippin’
Steven – I love watching you sing, you have character like no one else has (And you should have let it out)
Jennifer – You remind me of Phillip Phillips (Good thing that’s his name huh?)
Randy – Liked it, didn’t love it (How are we on the same page tonight?)
The Stone by The Dave Matthews Band
But yo daddy would still let you date me right?
OH NO. This was much too low for Phillip. This was the first Phillip performance that I have not liked. At. All. So sad.
Letter Grade – F for Falling farther down the slope
Steven – Very off the wall (And not in the usual good way)
Jennifer – Too obscure and artsy (Who taught JLo a big word?)
Randy – You are an artist and I loved that you showed your artistic side. (NOW we disagree)
Save Me by Queen
Closing my eyes means emotion
Well she’s back in Hollie-ville. Sang well and saw a bit of emotion. Now if she will just expand on that!
Letter Grade – P for Partway there
Steven – I love the way you sang it (Now add performance)
Jennifer – I really felt you feel emotion but that’s when you fell off (Where in tarnation did you see emotion?)
Randy – Good performance but you don’t have to pull back so much (Fair statement)
The Climb by Miley Cyrus
Even the producers know she is fading away
Much better than the first song. Still needs to perform and connect more but she is slowly getting there. The question is, is it too little too late?
(Judge standing O. They really have no rhyme or reason for these)
Letter Grade – K for Keep it up!
Randy – Hollie is back. Perfect (Not quite)
Jennifer – That was stepping it up (Now keep going)
Steven – You sang that song like it was going out of style (It has gone out of style)
And that was that.
So what did you think? This week was so off kilter for me. Do you think that some of the frontrunners are getting a little complacent? Can they come back from this major fail? Who do you think is going home tomorrow night? Lemme know in the comments!
Love and Poolboys,
Follow a bitch on twitter @PearlBDragon
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